Sexual Spanking Goes Mainstream

Okay you gotta watch the video first.

For those that don’t follow The Big Bang Theory, Amy and Sheldon are girlfriend/boyfriend, with Amy vastly more interested in Sheldon than the other way around.

In this episode Sheldon has deigned to give Amy a little extra attention when she’s been sick, so her illness has taken rather longer than expected to improve…

My first thought is even though it’s a comedy, it’s been quite sometime since I can remember a male-spanks-female scene on TV. I remember some I Love Lucy episodes where that happened. Maybe some have happened since then, but it’s quite remarkable that one of the main networks aired it.

What you’re looking at is the Fifty Shades of Grey effect. Those books have sold so incredibly well, that male-dominates-female-and-its-hot is now getting targeted as a market that will turn a profit. Twilight kinda sorta influenced it, but Fifty Shades of Grey has pushed male sexual dominance into the mainstream. There will be a lot more of this coming in the near future I can assure you.

Feminists are going to cry, but the Amy’s of the world won’t listen. The happy moist vagina being preferable to a sad dry one.

Anyway…

Let’s talk about erotic spanking and discipline spanking.

Erotic spankings are done for the sexual/emotional turn on. It’s an intense experience and that intensity can easily transfer into erotic potential. It may make no logical sense to the woman why being spanked turns her on, but for many (not all), “I don’t know, it just does”.

As an aside, I can explain why it does work, but it’s a lot like finding out how hotdogs are made. Once you find out, you generally no longer want to eat a hotdog, and are a little mad at the person that explained it all to you. Ignorance is bliss, I mean you don’t really want to find out that spanking is so tasty because it’s packed with the sexual equivalent of pig snouts. Just eat your hotdog.

Discipline spankings are tied to negative behavior. The spankee does something wrong, bad, half-ass and the spanker dishes out a punishment to correct the behavior. Or put another way, it’s exactly the same logic as a parent would discipline a child by spanking.

My feeling is that women are only going to consent to any spanking, if they like/want it. Otherwise it’s just some guy hitting you, which they really don’t want. This means essentially all spankings default to being erotic spankings… even if they are done ostensibly as discipline spankings. As you can see in the case of Sheldon and Amy, any hope of Amy behaving better in the future is going to backfire. She likes the spanking. So she’ll keep being bad to get what she wants.

So my advice if you want to actually use discipline spanking, is to tie it to good behavior on the part of the spankee. It’s a reward, so they’ll work for it. If they fail to reach whatever the positive behavior goal is, they lose the special attention from their lover that they crave… a much worse negative than a sore bottom.

If you want to skip some of the mind games and just have an erotic spanking, cool. Just ask for it, or allow it to happen as basic kink / foreplay / lovemaking. It’s not wildly different to hairpulling or whatever. It’s simply an intense stimulation between consenting adults.

The way spanking really works to turn women on, is by tapping into the true physical power differential between a man and a woman. In a straight up physical fight between a man and a woman, the man will always have a major advantage. For example I’m a foot taller than Jennifer, out weigh her by about 80 pounds, have a longer reach and pound for pound am significantly stronger than her. I always have a constantly rolling dominance effect, simply by my size and strength. Quite obviously I don’t hit / shove / pinch / bite / punch / kick her in daily life, because she would call 911 on me and that would be that. But things like hairpulling, neck holding and spanking during sex tap into the erotic potential from my physical dominance.

It’s not something either of us expected we would ever do in bed when we married, but in moderate amounts it works for us. Erotic physical dominance is in essence, sexual playfighting.

And because people will ask… Jennifer and I don’t do discipline spankings. We had spanked the girls once in a while when they were little, but generally found rewarding good behavior and reducing attention to negative behavior got faster and better results.

All that being said, I do know people who practise discipline spanking for negative behavior and they say it works out really well for them. I do understand why and how it works, but there are some rather dark impulses at work here. There’s no assurance that once tried it’s going to be a good experience, or one that’s easily forgotten. I would urge extreme caution and communication before discipline spanking for negative behavior. Or at the very least, trying erotic spanking for a while and see how far that gets you first.

 

Comments

  1. Hah, I loved that clip… I’m not really sure why we haven’t gotten into watching BBT yet, it’s right up our alley.

    As for doing bad things to get a discipline spanking… After our first foray into that, I don’t think I would ever do that. Because he made it hurt like a motherfucker. It wasn’t enjoyable, until after the fact, waaaaay after the fact. The physical dominance was the turn on, but the pain made it something that would certainly deter me from doing something to deserve it. Which is the point, right?

    If I want him to spank me for pleasure, I’ll just ask for it instead of acting out. :P

    Like I said, its only happened once, and not sure if we’ll ever do it again, but just wanted to throw that thought out there.

  2. Just ask for it. Maybe that would work for other things too? I’ve seen comments from women here and elsewhere like “If I told him to Alpha up and he did it, it wouldn’t count because he’d still be doing what I tell him to”. This is logical but is it true? Because while people can use logic it isn’t mandatory, we’re not even very good at it.

    At first, sure, but if he sticks to it would it really matter how he got there in two or three months, or five or six?

    Re Sheldon and Amy, I don’t watch the show but what I’d expect is that if she doesn’t just ask for it then at some point her acting out will cause him to just walk away. Annoying someone who is less into you than you are to them doesn’t seem to be a winning tactic to me.

    Just ask for it might be uncomfortable but it’s probably safer than expecting him to read your mind.

  3. I am only into pleasurable, fun spankings (which by no means implies soft or gentle) So I didn’t read the post cause I don’t wanna spoil it. Thank you for the hot dog warning!

  4. “This means essentially all spankings default to being erotic spankings… even if they are done ostensibly as discipline spankings.” Yes – either people don’t know that what they really want is an erotic spanking or they can’t admit it. Anyone who needs a spanking in order to “behave” is not a fully functioning adult. Sorry, I’m sure the DD crowd will jump all over that, but it’s true. The goal is high-functioning First Officer, capable of taking the helm at any time, not woman-child who needs some sort of husband-father figure to discipline her.

  5. Am I the only one who thought that was just outright creepy? He talks about how his dad used to spank his brother and she gets got and bothered? I know it’s comedy, but that exact dynamic makes spanking non-appealing to me, and I don’t know how I could ever get around it. I don’t want to treat my wife like a child in any kind of sexual frame. A hard slap on the ass during some good sex? You bet. A little pain with your pleasure can be a good thing. But the whole, “Bend me over your lap and treat me like I’ve been a bad girl” thing… just don’t get it, even after reading Athol’s explaination above. And I think I’d be a little creeped out if my wife asked for it, though I’d certainly give it a shot. If the goal is to establish physical dominance during sex in order to turn her on, why not just be physically dominant?

    I know there are a lot of couples who get off on this, and I know this post reeks of condescending judgment, and I’m truly sorry about that… I support everyone’s right to get their rocks off in whatever mutually consenting way they can find to do it. I’m just not crazy about the mainstreaming of it.

  6. Eric, I completely agree with your post. I think you have started to get at the heart of the problem with your comments about the woman being turned on by hearing about the brother who was beaten with a “rod” and even more key, your statement that you don’t want to treat your wife like a child in any sexual frame.
    In my opinion, none of this would “work” if it were not for children being imprinted physically and mentally with the sensation and idea that spanking = love. “I do it because I love you.” Beyond just love, there is the power difference that by default turns erotic. What does this mean for children? It can’t just suddenly become erotic when the subject turns 13 or 16 or 18. This is wildly concerning and the childhood roots of abuse need to be delved into to further understand this alarming mainstreaming of erotic violence. (See Alice Miller re: child abuse) (BTW, I am not really familiar with the Big Bang show but “Sheldon” does not appear normal or natural when he speaks. Is he supposed to have some type of disorder?)

  7. I was not surprised Chuck Lorre (producer) has been leaving pearls of SMP wisdom on the show since the begining Howard mentioned the Mystery Method, they mentioned sex by the third date, how some guys prefer masturbate to an imaginary 9 than have sex with a real 6 (although refreshingly enough he pointed out that this was stupid and Howard got a wife out of it), they also talk about father’s abandonment, divorce, marriage fights and how it affects the boys (Sheldon really can’t stand couples fighting). And Amy mentions Evolutionary Psychology every other episode.
    The Big Bang Theory rules! :D

    @Eric and @Polly
    You don’t watch the show so this is an out of context scene, Sheldon is asexual and Amy was but in the presence of such superior genes she has develop sexual desires for him, this scene is a bit of a Freudian slip he chooses a “punishment” that is most of the time considered erotic, old Sheldon would had done something nerdy not physical if he really wanted her to pay. His subconscious is slowly seeing Amy as a sexual creature and not his Girl that is a friend. I was actually a great character development, so soon enough hopefully Shamy will be making smart babies! :D

    I actually asked my hubby to spank me during sez, like a year ago he was hesitant about it at the beginning, but he enjoys it a lot now as I do. I didn’t lose attraction but I’m not the “I need my man to guess I want him to be dominant” type, and we agree that I’m in charge of suggesting new stuff since he has this fear that he is one sexual slip away from me taking a plane back to DR, in spite that he knows I like porn so there is very few things I’m not familiar and I’m sure I’m willing to try anything at least once…this society really likes to mess up men IMO.
    Note my parents never spank me (they did used physical punishment but for some reason they smacked other body parts culture I guess) , I think is more about a combo of dominance and the nervous connections that get shaken than any pervy association, YMMV.

  8. Discipline spankings work because they put an end to bad feelings, clear the air, and restore the status quo. Tying them to good behaviour would not work because that would remove the element of dominance which is what makes them effective. if I feel my husband is asserting is authority when he spanks me, it makes him more atrractive in my eyes, and makes me more likely to want to do what he tells me. if he uses spanking as a ‘reward’ it robs it of all meaning. Also, spankings are very painful, and while I like the effect they have on me, I don’t actually like them while they are going on, so using them as a reward simply would not work.

    It is not the same as spanking a child, because for a child the spanking is a wholly negative experience, whereas in an adult relationship the effect is to bring the couple closer together and increase attraction, as well as improving behaviour.

  9. As noted above, if an adult needs a spanking in order to “behave” that’s a problem. Sorry DD folks, but self-regulation is a core skill of adulthood. If you can’t do that, you’re not really a grown-up.

  10. EmptiedTheBottle says:

    For those who don’t watch BBT there’s a lot more to this scene than erotic spanking. The dominant character throughout is Amy.

    BBT presents Amy as a PhD in neurobiology with significant insight into human/mammalian response. She is also sex/attention/intimacy starved by Sheldon who is somewhat Aspergers like and touch averse. In past episodes she has used her neuro-behavioral knowledge to manipulate Sheldon out of his shell.

    The actress is good enough to reach beyond what most sitcoms would set up only as ha-ha cognitive dissonance within the character. Instead Amy is written to reject internal struggles emanating from her “facts-only” cerebrum and accepts and nurtures her limbic sexual being. Neuroscience tells her that’s the way nature set things up – who is she to reject fact? She has no internal conflicts about her needs.

    The spanking is humorous because we know her extreme desperation pushes her to support her lust with rationalized science. With that first stroke those PhD brain cells are matching her now pink behind with a macaque in heat with hopes that Sheldon soon “gets the message”. All it would take is an attractive dominant person (Amy seems to be bi-curious) for Sheldon to become a distant memory so the “she in more into him” concept only applies because he’s available and she’s horny.

    I don’t see how spanking is any more erotic/dominant than any other physical assault or S&M that an individual wishes to accept during sex play. If you spank without asking first be prepared for a return physical assault just as punching a woman may force her to reach for the Walther.

    I’ve known men who enjoyed violent face slaps during sex. Did that make me “dominant” to knock the crap out of them at their request?

  11. “It is not the same as spanking a child, because for a child the spanking is a wholly negative experience, whereas in an adult relationship the effect is to bring the couple closer together and increase attraction, as well as improving behaviour.”

    I agree it isn’t the same as spanking a child, but there is an aspect surrounding it of a paternal authority figure who determines what behavior is acceptable and doles out physical punishment for transgressions. As the male in that situation, it would FEEL like I was parenting a misbehaving child, and to get a sexual response from that would just be pure bonerkill. I’m not at all averse to displaying authority in our household, but my authority over my wife is consentual, she allows me to have it and it is something I have to earn through my actions… whereas with children the parent’s authority is critical to their very survival, so it is demanded and justifiably taken by force if necessary. I just don’t get the erotic impulse behind conflating those different sources of authority. I understand it exists, I am happy for people who find consensual excitement in it, but it just seems foreign and kind of wrong to me… like balut. And we don’t have a prudish sex life. We shake the walls.

    I do wonder, based on Anacaona’s comments above, if there is any correlation between couples who enjoy erotic/discipline spanking and couples who use spanking as a discipline method with their children. My wife and I both came out of households where spanking was the punishment for extremely bad behavior, and spanking is a tool we keep in our parenting toolbox, even if we rarely pull it out. Maybe the act of spanking your children makes it less desirable to spank your wife under a similar sub/dom frame of mind.

  12. As far as spanking children, there is only a very small window where it is practical.
    Firstly spanking should only be for stuff like playing with matches and stoves and electricity, especially after repeated warnings ( You will know when you are not spanking for the right reason, for you will be angry at them).
    When they are very young i.e. 4 and under, there is no place for it – you should be eagle-eye watching and nipping stuff in the bud. On the other hand, 6 and up they are testing limits, and they will end up with resentment and anger at our inability to discipline them rather than having remorse/contrition.

  13. Long time ago (pre-internet) I’d read that there were erogenous nerve endings on the gluts and that for the stimulation to get through the fat it had to be firm. That ‘grabbing ass’ with can be a turn on and initiate sex is kinda ambivalent. Is she responding cause an erogenous zone is being manhandled or is she being turned on cause a mans taken charge? Maybe a bit of both, I think.

  14. I think I’m weird… I do not get anything sexual or out of spanking at all. The idea of it makes me wrinkle my nose; when my husband slaps my ass too many times in a row and my cheek starts hurting, I just feel angry; the idea of bending over a bed or over somebody’s knee so that they could hit my butt multiple times and with some force … it just doesn’t do anything for me. Am I missing something here?!

    My husband really only does one or two slaps on the behind at a time – and not [usually] very hard. It just doesn’t do anything for me. Just a couple of slaps at a time seems to be all he really wants anyway.

    That said – the clip was hilarious. I laughed so hard my kids jumped and then just stared at me blankly… :D

  15. “That said – the clip was hilarious. I laughed so hard my kids jumped and then just stared at me blankly…”

    Probably stunned at mom’s pervyness….

  16. Flynn_Lives says:

    I also remember an episode of Scrubs where Turk is having fantasies about Elliot, here’s my favorite….

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=irEnZqT2siU

  17. whatmeworry says:

    Awww, c’mon. You can’t drop a hint about the hotdog making and then hold back. Post it hidden with spoiler tags or something.

    You know, for *science*.

  18. I feel I have to contribute something to that topic.

    Some people, for whatever reasons, have certain fetishes. I know I do. For instance, a spanking fetish. This seems like a no-brainer, but I’d advice extreme caution when introducing this into a relationship. Practicing mutually consented discipline spankings was one of the stepping stones of my divorce. I came off lightly, but when Mrs. decides she doesn’t want it anymore, did in fact never want it, you should have a backup plan. So either find someone who actually shares your abnormalities or stay clear of practicing what can later be used against you.

    And further, if you think your (moral, Christian, whatever) spouse wouldn’t ever consider divorce: I used to think the same.

    Just my two cents. But if my experience is good for anything, it is to be a warning example.

  19. @Eric
    Not sure, according to Freud we all are perverts that take some sexual cues from our parents.
    I particularly find a mustache the most unsexy thing in the world and I doubt is a coincidence that my father have had one since I can remember, also daddy is black hubby is white. They share a lot of things like personality traits but they are physically opposite so maybe like many things is an spectrum? Some people get spanked by parents and somehow becomes a turn on while is the opposite for others? Dunno but I don’t think associated everything sexual with a perversion is a healthy way to look at sex, YMMV.

  20. As the saying goes “Stop using your privates to think and stop using your brain to fuck”.

    One of the allures of physical dominance in sex specifically with extra material symbols of dominance (various types of bondage, spanking, all the way to the japanese shibari – very NSFW to google BTW) is
    - externalization of decision making by the dominated person.

    For dominated person being tied up is the signal, that he or she can stop thinking about how to perform, about how to pleasure the dominant partner, about household chores, about the next episode of Homeland – that’s it, for the next hour you don’t have to think about ANYTHING.
    You simply follow orders.
    And like a muscle enjoying NOT working out, this person psyche enjoys NOT making any decisions and not worrying about the future outcome.

    Not surprisingly, the higher the pressure of decision making during the daytime, the higher the need to externalize decision making in the downtime. Not everybody does it through kinky sex – some do it through booze. Why? That’s right – “Alcohol made me do it”. Same externalization of decision making.
    Some bondage with a loving and trusted partner is actually much safer, that spending an evening in the pub :)

    It’s more true for some, less for others, but it is as natural and as healthy, as someone preferring to lay down in the sun after a day of hard physical work.
    Instead of doing a full day of hard work and than coming to bedroom for another round of P90X in front of you coach.

  21. My experience with this has been mostly positive… I have dated a lot of different women, out of the ones that turned into long term relationships, 2/3 of them enjoyed being spanked erotically, my wife included. It was never my idea either, I always just framed it, that I will do whatever it takes to get my hands on their ass! I have only done with with my open hand, never any objects because that would defeat the point…. I have found that women enjoy it even more when you tell them to put thigh highs on and give instructions on what they should do. The most important thing though, show enthusiasm being with them.

  22. “rewarding good behavior and _reducing attention to negative behavior_”

    Bingo. When I first started in the game, I wanted to know what people really wanted (women in particular). I’ve since found that with a lot of women (not all), for some types of behavior, negative attention (e.g. punishment) is as desired as positive attention and vastly preferred to a lack of attention. It’s like an absolute value that throws away the + or – sign. Think of fitness tests: often the right move is to avoid addressing the test at all, or to do so while hinting that you understand she’s testing you and aren’t going to play the game.

    It’s analogous to the kid who acts out so as to be noticed and doted on. Ergo, the answer is to deny attention entirely for certain types of attention-getting behavior.

    For the most part, guys don’t really work that way, so it’s another instance of getting accustomed to a different way of thinking than you’d prefer for yourself.

  23. Tony Conrad says:

    Thanks goodness someone sees the point. The internet is full of punishment. I don’t think that is healthy at all but I love spanking. As it happens my wife doesn’t like it so we have switched and now she has been the spanker for the last twenty or so years.

  24. Gracie Beauchemin says:

    For me personally in my relationship we practice Domestic Discipline which I need, even crave. Why? I don’t know and it doesn’t matter. Discipline spankings and erotica/sexual spankings are two very different things. Has a discipline spanking ultimately lead to sex…..yes, after the cuddling and comforting, but that doesn’t happen all the time. As long as the people involved have given consent, that’s all that matters.

  25. Tony Conrad says:

    You are free to do what you want Gracie. For me it was refreshing for it to be away from punishments. The internet is full of that stuff and I don’t feel personally that that is what marriage is about.

    A lot of husbands or wives understand the erotica of spanking but that doesn’t mean they have to enter a punishment scenario. For me it would be very wrong for my wife to be punishing me for things I might do wrong. That would be awful. Therefore I find it very refreshing when people express clearly their detachment from that scene but still keeping the spanking. I mean, canes and whips and all that? Ugh! How awful. What one sees on the internet now is horrific.

  26. Audrey says:

    I completely agree that DD spanking is inherently sexual. I’ve erotized spanking since I was a very young child; I can remember playing spanking games with the little boy down the street when we were maybe six or so (back in the 70s when kids went out to play unsupervised). We might have been young, but we knew enough to find a private spot to do it. I didn’t recognize the feelings as sexual when I was a child, but they were.

    By my early teens, I had very strong fantasies about being spanked. In those scenarios, the spanker was always someone older than me (like a friend’s older brother), but never a parental figure. If it matters, I have no memory of ever being spanked by my parents. I suppose it’s possible that I got a swat or two as a toddler or preschooler, but if I did I can’t remember it.

    I have no idea why thoughts of male dominance playing out this way is so erotic to me, but I stopped worrying about that years ago. I just enjoy it now. It took me a very long time to tell my husband about my dark desires, but I finally summoned the courage to ask him to spank me about ten years ago. He didn’t take me seriously at first because he thought I was talking dirty to him and he had the normal male concerns about hurting a woman, but he got over both of those things. Why? Not because I pressured him (I was really careful about that because I still felt ashamed about the desire and didn’t want to feel burdened by a freaky wife), but because he could see how hot it got me. Your run of the mill red-blooded male is frequently up for doing something that will result in wild monkey sex 100% of the time. ;)

    Introducing spanking into our marriage not only turbo-charged our sex lives almost 15 years into our relationship, but it brought us much closer too. When you take off your masks in front of your partner and allow him/her to see you at your most vulnerable, sometimes you find a bit of magic. It might sound corny but it’s true. It also gave him permission to open up to me. All good.

    I get spanked before sex the majority of the time now, and not at my initiation. He claims to enjoy it now too. He’s always been a confirmed butt man and he assures me that there’s nothing remotely distasteful about having a squirming naked woman across his lap while smacking her ass. He’s not nearly as gentle as he used to be and he spanks hard enough for me to really be wanting him to stop by the time he does. He’s said that he enjoys playing with power and demonstrating his physical strength that way.

    He’s spanked me many hundreds of times at this point, but not one of them has been “real”. He has absolutely no desire to actually punish me, nor would I allow it. Playing ‘bad girl’ is one thing; having my partner see me as someone he has to “raise” like our children is distasteful to both of us. I’m a highly responsible high functioning adult with a senior role at a large organization. He doesn’t have to make me be “good” – I do that all by myself or I life would have disciplined me in the form of lost jobs or missed promotions, lack of successful relationships with others (family, friends, lovers, etc.), trouble with the law or the like.

    I know many in DD relationships will vehemently disagree, but my own opinion is that the (the majority?) of those spankees eroticism punishment and express it in this way. Otherwise, I guess I’m not sure why it would be tolerated. The women I know in DD relationships all admit that they find it erotic after the fact, if not in the moment. That’s very different than women who just hate being spanked. It may be different for the spankers; they may enjoy simply being in charge and able to enforce their rules. Not what i’d want in a marriage but to each his/her own.

    For me, it’s all about sex and I make no apologies for it. ;)

  27. Tony Conrad says:

    I find that very encouraging Audrey. You are like me but in reverse because I am a man. Of course as a man I do not rate domination in a woman but that is related to sexual gender I would have thought. I lead from the bottom so to speak and keep it very very private.

    When I first asked my wife to spank me she said why what have you done wrong. I instinctively knew I shouldn’t go down that road and I have never regretted it.

    Thank you so much for what you have written Audrey. It is rare to see something written so well. I also feel so close to her since it has opened up. I know exactly what you mean.

  28. Audrey says:

    Thanks, Tony. I’m glad this has brought further intimacy and happiness to your marriage. I know several couples for whom that’s true.

    As an aside, I clearly need to keep long posts to computer entries. I now see a bunch of typos of the iPad quirky auto-correct or perhaps screen to small for post-40 eyes to detect variety. Oops.

  29. Tony Conrad says:

    I didn’t notice any typos in your writing Audrey.

    I don’t think your desires are dark considering you did not enter the punishment scenario.

    That puts it in the area of a glorified massage I would think.

    One does wonder where this thing came from. A lot say it was because one was spanked as a child but your testimony proves that wrong. I was never spanked either but I did witness one at age four and I remember being frightened in case it happened to me. I am thankful to now have a legitimate outlet within marriage. It doesn’t seem to go away however it happened. My wife says she is very comfortable with it so there isn’t a problem, so long as I make sure I satisfy her in her way.

  30. For those that actually want the answer as to why they like spanking during sex – it’s because you were spanked as a kid, and at some point, it got intermangled with arousal and they got linked together. In essence, you like it because it reminds you of how you felt when your parents abused you. Just like the author said, you won’t like it once you know why.

  31. Tony Conrad says:

    Doesn’t fit the two previous e mails Ken. neither us were spanked as children.

  32. I think it’s all just Dominance & Submission.
    Just like enjoying being held down during sex. I can’t imagine many people experienced THAT as a child.

  33. Tony Conrad says:

    I don’t see it that way at all. In fact I avoid those activities persoanlly.

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