Divorce and Cheating Comes In Waves

For some strange reason there’s a distinct lack of cheating whores wanting to be friends with Jennifer….

…let me explain.

I now know of this situation happening with some degree of variance in four different sets of couples…

 

Anna and Alex are married. Brad and Brenda are married.

Anna tell tells Alex that Brenda is having an affair and cheating on Brad.

Alex is somewhat friends with Brad, but Anna swears him to secrecy. Alex complies and doesn’t tell Brad. Besides, how do you tell someone that they are being cheated on. So awkward.

Anna starts to get snippy with Alex over little stuff.

Anna starts telling Alex how annoyed she is with Brenda and how she’s changing and doesn’t like it.

Anna gets annoyed with Alex over lots of different things.

Anna tells Alex that Brenda is going balls deep with her OM.

Anna invites Brenda and Brad over. Alex extremely uncomfortable making small talk with Brad because he he knows what Brenda is up to. Alex says nothing.

Anna tells Alex how unhappy she is in the marriage and is considering moving out to figure herself out.

Alex begs Anna to stay, asks for counseling et al.

Anna agrees.

Magically the counselor suggests a separation.

Alex helps Anna find an apartment.

Alex waits patiently for Anna to find herself.

Anna finds herself in a variety of sexual positions with different men.

Alex cries alone in the dark and masturbates to the memory of Anna.

And so on and so on and so on…

 

Maybe it’s just me… but if I ever tell someone to blow the lid open on someone else’s affair, it’s also to protect them as much as anything. When your spouse throws that in front of you, your passive acceptance can be interpreted as weakness. If you’re weak to awkward… you’re weak to a great many things.

So maybe it’s my big mouth that doesn’t give a shit where the chips fall, that creates a whore avoidance field around Jennifer. Though it’s not like she attracts the Girl’s Night Out crowd in the first place.

And yes of course the cheater will be mad when you spill it. Fuck ‘em. They shouldn’t be whores and douchebags if you don’t want that coming around and hitting them in the ass. If they couldn’t shut their mouth or be discreet, they’re stupid, stupid, stupid.

And yes of course the cheated on person may not like you for telling them. Oh well, not like you could continue the friendship as it was, knowing they are being duped and always having to talk around the elephant in the womb.

And yes of course your partner will be mad when you spill it. Good. They won’t have any illusions what you’ll do if they ever cheat. Give them the heads up first of course. Real simple. “I can never let you think I won’t take strong action about cheating. If you didn’t want me to do something, you should never have told me.”  They may not like it, but they will respect it.

Divorce and cheating comes in waves, you gotta stop it at the source.

Keep reading. Divorce is contagious, stop it at the sniffles.

Comments

  1. Be thankful for that blessing, both of you. No one needs poison in their lives.

  2. Best to tell the guy with an anonymous email or letter. You just want the couple to have a blow up over the affair a soon as possible but you don’t need to be part of it.

  3. Not mention cheating whores aren’t exactly ideal couple friends- who wants a bitch like that circling their man? Two, “elephant in the womb”? Do you mean “room” or are you trying to imply there’s an elephant dick in the cheating whore’s vag unbeknownst to her spouse???

  4. In addition to reaffirming a “no cheating stance” within the relationship, spilling the beans (and being known for doing so) establishes the couple as bad peeps for parking secrets. Any cheating friends in the future will avoid confiding in the person who will definitely repeat it to their spouse and then back to the cheater’s spouse, and as a result, the cheater has no opportunity to be a negative influence to that couple’s relationship.

  5. I really like this post.

    Any thoughts on the wife that doesn’t seem terribly disdainful of her friend’s affair?

  6. taterearl says:

    Her friends will have a bigger impact on the relationship than you.

    I literally was dumped by an old gf because she was projecting what she was thinking onto a friend…who in turn agreed with her. Therefore it was her friend who was doing the dumping for her. Aren’t women grand at getting out of sticky situations?

  7. rest of the story:

    – Alex cries his eyes out and finds some of pickup sites
    – Alex first is disgusted, but keeps reading
    – eventually Alex tries new-learned stuff. As he’s man in his prime time and has good job – he almost effortlessly pulls some slut from local bar
    – re-discovered Alex pulls another girl and another… He eventually is able to pull a high-quality woman
    – meanwhile, Anna is seeing her sex rank dropping. She has more and more difficulty to meet another men
    – Anna decides she had enough and it’s time to settle for her. Unfortuanetelly, mean who she had sex with don’t want to commit to used slut she is
    – eventually, Alex and Anna meet again. Anna notices how attractive Alex become. Alex finds out the time was not so nice for Anna. She’s chubby, has wrinkles and her skin is not so smooth.
    – Alex remembers all girls he has been with after breakup, but he decises to sport-fuck Anna one more time (with keval condom). He escalates, lays her and deletes number afterwards.
    – Anna sends him a message to meet again, because ‘old flame still burns’. Alex ignores this bs and fucks his 20yrs old regular the very same night

  8. Women herd and seek group approval for just about anything, which is a general pain in the Ass and has created this whole garbage media of “being famous for being famous” . The only women who are not approval seekers from the feminine herd are those with personality disorders Eg. BPD…..When a woman tells you of infidelity among friends and tries to get you to keep it a secret it is more than just a test, it’s a warning she approves of it.

  9. Great post. Never realized that this stuff was contagious or would plant seeds in other people. Was in a situation with a good friend where a bunch of his friends (and I) knew he was being cheated on, but no one told him (until my now-wife balled up and did). I wish I was a better man then to push through the awkward and told him as I feel we all did him a disservice by not letting him know.

  10. Yeah, the part where Anna demanded that her husband keep her friend’s disloyalty a secret was a shit test.

    Alex failed it, and set himself up for ruin and despair, when he failed that test.

    The better route would be to take the husband aside, tell him the truth, and give him the name of a good divorce attorney, and either a private investigator (or the tools to collect evidence himself).

  11. I only tell guys things I want kept a secret. Most of the time they will stay that way.

    I consider anything I do or say to a woman to be used against me in the hamster court.

  12. Guys, how about different approach – let Anna decide wat she want to do AND then let her life with her choice?

    If she’s bitch enough, then gold bless her and next. Alex can fix himself up pretty fast – year or two.
    Anna will lose ver value trough all those sex positions and will find herself with cat afterwards.

    Why Alex would want to live with that kind of woman? She will mercilessly continue to shit-test him anyway to the end of his life. Better cut loses fast and say bitch bye-bye!

  13. Well, if Alex was Alpha enough to begin with he would’ve told his wife to stop hanging around her friend no matter how good a friend she was because her friend crossed a line that is not respected from our point of view. If she continued to see her “friend” there would have to be some consequences. That’s the way to stop that shit… If Alex was man enough, he should’ve told Brad something was up and then told his wife to stop hanging with that supposed girlfriend of hers. If it had gotten to the point that she wanted to “find” herself, then Alex needed to go right to a divorce lawyer. BTW, never listen to a counselor that suggests a separation, either get a divorce or stay together…

    BTW, I am seeing something funny going around here in my neighborhood right now. Thank god my wife and I went through our little problems a couple of years ago. It started with a woman that was getting pretty darn overweight and her superfit/alpha husband was starting to hit on all the other wives around here. She drops like 50lbs and looks great, now I am seeing maybe 7-8 wives putting serious effort into losing some serious weight. I predict, in a couple of years, we are going to see a wave of divorces sweeping our neighborhood if some of these guys don’t get their act together…

  14. 2manypasswords says:

    Yep – infidelity and divorce are (socially) contagious. I think this partly why the small town where I grew up had a fairly high divorce rate, even in the ’70s – early ’80s.

  15. Humm. A good reminder. Coast is clear so far in my small neck of the woods, but good to keep in mind.

  16. John Q Galt says:

    Average Married Dad: “Great post. Never realized that this stuff was contagious or would plant seeds in other people. Was in a situation with a good friend where a bunch of his friends (and I) knew he was being cheated on, but no one told him (until my now-wife balled up and did). I wish I was a better man then to push through the awkward and told him as I feel we all did him a disservice by not letting him know.”

    It happened to me. We moved for my job….her old friends were all happily married; her new friends in another State were all on their second husbands.

    Actually, it reminds me of college, where after the first man in my circle of friends got engaged, they all either broke up with long term GF’s or got engaged within a few weeks. It’s like the girlfriends all delivered ultimatums and the men either complied or bailed.

  17. John Q Galt says:

    A reminder that women are herd animals.

  18. mmaier2112 says:

    Steve said: “Best to tell the guy with an anonymous email or letter. You just want the couple to have a blow up over the affair a soon as possible but you don’t need to be part of it.”

    You know what? Screw that. Blow it RIGHT the Hell up.

    Tell the person “your stupid wife told MY wife/S.O. and SHE told me that your woman is a cheating whore and I think you need to know.”

    Who cares? Own it. You didn’t want to know, someone told you. And you’re exposing a whore for what she is.

  19. I suspect that whats wrong with marriage per say is that it seems to me to be a divisive union from the start. If a husband or wife cheats, its pretty much because neither of them are getting what they need or want from their partner. It seems to me that many couples are not open in what they want & need and this is a stumbling block between them. If both partners where honest with themselves and each other about what they want and need and there was open communication between them about this then perhaps divorce would not be an option.

    I have some friends who are living the D/s lifestyle and for them there is pretty much perfect balance between them, not perfect mind you but less tense than what the mainstream marriage involves. …………..30

  20. Yes I understand Athol’s context, but I’d say think it through before you do anything.

    My first reaction would be to look after my own business before minding someone else’s. It might be a good time to talk about infidelity and establish protocols to deal with issues in your own relationship so you can avoid temptation.

    In some cases it’s better to stop the silliness before lives are ruined even more – perhaps a gift of the Primer and some quiet advice to check what is going on? Remember you have third person and hearsay evidence only, so don’t go in sounding like you know everything.

    HOWEVER …say someone wants to divorce and have a life, but remains in the marriage as breadwinner while having an affair because the spouse simply cannot look after themselves (ill, dementia etc). The “cheated” on spouse is better off knowing nothing as they cannot seek divorce and will just have to live with the added pain – leave them in peace. Similarly, in some cultures it’s common for wealthy men to have a second wife while the first wife continues living the good life secure in her marriage – the first wife does not need loss of face in front of her friends and society. She might also welcome some peace from unwelcome sexual demands, especially if the marriage was not a love match. Again, let sleeping dogs sleep.

    A final warning – I know a woman who gave her husband hell over some 50 years of marriage because she wrongly believed he had an affair after a tip off from a well meaning friend. She relentlessly turned his kids against him and made his name mud. SO MUCH UNHAPPINESS! KIDS LIVE’S SAD AND UNHAPPY.

    Meddling in other people’s lives can have huge consequences, try to think it through and not rush in like a zealot on a crusade.

    Thanks for listening to another view! C

  21. MrBurgundy says:

    Good point about verification, Candice. I’d heard a rumour in our church community about a well-respected senior couple having marriage difficulties… it was Chinese whispers, turns out that they were helping out a younger couple with *their* difficulties. The older couple had been on a church-sponsored mediation course and had been approached by our priest to help out!

  22. I actually kind of blew up a marriage once like this.

    Mrs. Ironwood had just started with a new company, and became fast friends with a co-worker. The co-worker was having marital problems, but was trying to work on it. They had a bunch of us over for her birthday, and after the regular festivities things divided, as they inevitably do, into the boy/girl groupings.

    So I’m standing there with four dudes I don’t know, including her husband, talking shit. Her husband is in route sales, and suddenly starts talking about how he’s seeing this chick on his route, how he’s secretly meeting up with her and how he keeps a spare cell phone for that purpose, and basically hands me — a complete stranger — every salient detail of his affair.

    Dumb ass.

    I mulled it over, but the fact was I didn’t like the dude very much. Beyond the infidelity, he was generally kind of a tool and not too bright to begin with. I’m all for respecting a man’s request for discretion, if it’s invoked — I dislike getting involved in the personal lives of strangers unless it is either lucrative or has entertainment value — but this idiot hadn’t bothered. It may have been a technicality, but it was enough for me. On the way home I spilled everything to Mrs. I.

    She hemmed and hawed about it, but her friend really was a sweet girl who was doing everything she could to save the marriage. She told her the next day – after she told Mrs. I about the horrible fight they’d had after everyone left. She was devastated. She had been ready to go back to counseling after the fight, but my revelation was the last straw. She was also out by the next weekend.

    Now she’s happily married to a high-status man with good income, and they have a beautiful daughter. I don’t feel bad about betraying him at all. Not only did he not invoke my confidence, there is nothing in the unofficial masculine code of conduct that says I have to protect a guy too stupid to not reveal his infidelity to a complete stranger . . . who’s wife is friends with his wife. He deserved to get busted just for that piece of idiocy. The Ironwoods have few family rules, but one of them is: “Don’t pal around with stupid people”.

  23. Such a strongly, powerful post, Athol. Thank you!

  24. alphaguy: “If Alex was man enough, he should’ve told Brad something was up and then told his wife to stop hanging with that supposed girlfriend of hers.”

    Actually, if Alex had told Brad, he may not even have to tell Anna to stop hanging out with Brenda – once Brad and Brenda’s marriage blew up, there’s a good chance Brenda would have stopped talking to Anna anyway out of anger and spite. Alex stood a very good chance of getter a two-fer there – doing the right thing (telling Brad) and separating his wife from a possible bad influence all in one go.

  25. Ian, then you and Mrs. I actually created a good marriage. Focus on the good!

  26. Alex’s response to the information should be firstly to tell Anna to inform her friend that unless she tell Brad what is going on then he will.
    Having this information means he is implicated in the deceit, but he should give Brenda the chance to come clean before he goes to Brad.
    This also allows Anna to correct her own behaviour and get back on the right side.
    He needs to make it very clear that he is not prepared to be an accomplice to cheating.
    48 hours notice should be enough.

  27. Ooooh no, you NEVER give the cheating spouse that kind of warning. That just gives them time to spin things to make you out as a liar or crazy or a trying to bust up their marriage to have your own shot or something like that. No, either you tell the betrayed spouse what you know or say nothing.

  28. @MacNut, I guess it depends why you’re telling him. If you’re doing it because you think she’s a bad person and it should be blown open then you can just tell him.
    If you’re doing it because you have a clear ethical position about being involved in deceit then you can inform her of that and give her a chance to take responsibility. How she spins it is not your concern.

  29. Stupid telling your friends if you’re having an affair anyway. Much better keep quiet about it. Brenda must be pretty dumb to have told Anna in the first place.

  30. IF a woman has too many beta orbiters hitting the like button on her facebook pictures,its enough of a reason for the husband to start worrying about his future.

  31. Nugget to think about:

    Some friends or people around you right this very moment are not friends of your marriage or true friends of yours. Don’t throw the word friend around lightly to label the people in your life when more than likely you mean that they are an acquaintance. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure that one out, but for anyone who hasn’t caught on yet I thought I would make that public service announcement.

    A non-friend of your marriage could be someone trying to get traction on your spouse or, and this is especially harmful, a divorced or single friend of your spouse who is a train wreck. They will want to live the single life and drag your spouse along with them. Many tales of woe are spun from such circumstances.

    Sometimes you need to be a “dick” and put the foot down (whether you are the husband or the wife) and ‘splain to your spouse that that person is no longer welcome around your home, marriage and family. Your spouse might pout and throw a hissy fit. (In fact they will. “You’re trying to control me!” Waaa!!!!! Waaa!!!!.) Tough shit.

    I guess they need to decide which is more important to them, hanging out with their friend Suzy the recently divorced cougar who goes out three nights a week trolling for dick and wants to drag your spouse along with her, or having an intact family. If your spouse can’t figure it out on their own or refuses, you might want to seriously do some thinking about the long term prospects of your union and formulate a backup plan just in case accordingly.

    “OMG! That is so controlling and caveman!” Like I said, tough shit. If you’re married, you aren’t just free to come and go as you please without repercussions. You can’t turn into a drunk or drug addict without repercussions in your marriage. You can’t rob stores without repercussions in your marriage. You can’t live like a single person or hang out with destructive people without repercussions occurring.

    (Now I’m not talking about some weird cult – stalker thing where a spouse is trying to alienate their spouse from all their friends and family. A person like that has mental issues and needs to be gotten away from. I’m talking that if there are one or two hens in the group of hens that everyone knows are up to no good, you’re spouse doesn’t need to be hanging out with them. And hey – hate to break it to you – but your spouse just might be one of those kind of people that others should not hang out with. Really? Yes, unfortunately, really.)

    If an affair or divorce happens, everyone has a LOT to lose, even if they don’t realize it at the time. You have to step up and protect your marriage, especially at times when your spouse is being an idiot and is unwilling or unable to. The Herd is strong. They will drag your spouse into “I don’t know what happened, it just happened…I was drunk…whatever….” scenarios quicker than you would imagine.

    Now, obviously as a free adult you really can do what you want in this life, as long as you are prepared to accept the consequences that your behavior will deliver to you. A lot people seem to run into problems where they think they can do what they want and then other people will not give them consequences or that they are so smart that “the rules” do not apply to them and such things will not happen to them. Sigh.

    Give ya an example from my real life:

    I was sitting in marriage counseling with my then wife. (The Lolz!), She said “I feel worse about what I did to my friend (she was sleeping with her friend’s husband) than what I did to him (me).” “I can repair the relationship with him (me), but I don’t think my friend will be friends with me anymore…”

    No shit? Yep. No shit.

    Self: Did she really just say what I thought she said?
    Self: Yes Self, she really did just say that huge mouthful of dumb. What are you going to do?
    Self: I wasn’t 100% sure before, but I think I know now.

    The LOLZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Yes, I divorced her. Thank you. Thank you very much.

    On the main post topic: Always tell. That’s my policy. I don’t give a crap. I didn’t do the dirty and I don’t condone it, and I’m not going to be a party to keeping your dirty secrets. If you tell me about it or I find out about it within my social circle, I’m going to spill the beans even if all the haus fraus shriek in mock rage. Because of my own past experiences, as you can imagine, I have zero tolerance for a lot of foolishness like this that goes on. If you’re not my friend or an acquaintance, I’m just not going to associate with you further if I find out that that is the kind of person you are.

    I also learned the hard way about banishing people from being around you and your marriage that are bad news. A warning from the trenches if you will. Birds of a feather and all that… It should also give you food for thought if you find that this is the type of person your wife or husband routinely chooses to gravitate to and “be friends” with. Again, birds of a feather.

    Maybe who you thought you married is not who you married or that is not who they are now. It happens. We can very easily build up a mental image of who we think (or wish) our spouses are that is very different from who they really are. Not talking about “spouse goggles” and overlooking some wrinkles or thinning hair. I’m talking about almost willful ignorance on your part to keep this mental image going because facing the facts about who they really are is too much for you to deal with. You don’t want to believe it.

    In some circles it is referred to as a pedestal or oneitis. In other circles it is known as a mental self defense mechanism to protect the reality you have constructed around yourself at all costs because to have to crumble or unravel would be very painful indeed. I know. It’s okay. It’s not your fault. We’re built that way.

    Which brings up a thought, if you tell someone some news like this, and the person you tell had no clue whatsoever, they will likely not believe you until they get cold hard evidence in their face on their own because of this “truth bias” they have towards their spouse over you. Makes perfectly logical sense really. If they had suspicions, this will come as no surprise to them. If they have no reaction at all, they are likely cheating too. The Lolz!

    Finally, I learned to never listen to things your partner will say to you in regards to relationship status towards you, except in one circumstance. Always watch what they do. That is who they really are and how they truly relate to you.

    The one circumstance in which you should listen to them loud and clear is when they say “I don’t love you.” If you are told that, believe them. Yes, they really do mean that and their actions, as will soon become revealed to you will bear that out in my experience. Both my own and others I have observed going through hellish situations. As sad as you might be at this revelation, pick up your pieces and go find someone who does love you.

    Or, Mangina out and plead and beg and buy flowers and cards for her while she’s boffing some other dude, and mention “what about our kids?”, start doing all the housework to show you care, and cry and whatever. Or just skip all that shit and get on with it man (or woman as the case might be).
    Good luck.

    Despite my anti-marriage stance (me getting married again) I really, really do wish that those who are currently married can have good ones and be happy. I wish I could wave a magic wand and all these crummy things that people do to each other and have to go through and put their kids through would not happen. But I can’t.

    The Lolz!

  32. Recovering_Beta says:

    Athol:

    I wish I had found your book in 2004 when I got married. My wife left me in the summer of 2012. I spent 7 years trying to do everything she wanted…classic nice guy….we moved cities for her career and then moved back to our original city at the beginning of 2011.

    To make a long story short, she started talking to a counselor who had been thrice married and also hanging out with a girlfriend who got divorced after a 6 year marriage in 2009.

    We had had trouble but in Sept 2011 I got the “I love you but am not in love” and a promise to use 2012 to work on things. “I’m not leaving before Dec 31, 2012″

    2 sessions with a counselor and she wants no more therapy. March 2012 she tells her boss we are separating. June 2012 her aformentioned friend buys an investment house she can live in and she’s out at Labor Day. By Halloween she starts dating a new guy who she is now in love with and who I think she’ll marry/get engaged to as soon as our divorce is final. Luckily no kids and I’m getting off well financially. Working the MAP (have lost 15 pounds) and am recovering milquetoast trying to get over Oneitis.

    The kicker…her thrice married counselor, her divorced friend, and her are all ordained ministers. Her new guy is a prominent lay person in the church who left his wife 2 years ago (they had three kids).

    F this denomination (not all, but this one) and thanks for writing MMSL, which I’m now reading, and thanks for this spot on post

  33. holdingallthecards says:

    If a spouse is cheating, it’s because they’re too much of a coward to divorce and be on their own, or it’s because they’re too cheap to end things. Either way, if you’re dumb enough to tell me you’ve got wandering tendencies, I feel no pity for the repurcussions of your trashed marriage when I inform your spouse. What everyone does when everything’s out on the table is their problem then. But at least both people can start making some educated decisions.

  34. Recovering_Beta… let me guess… either United Methodist or UCC

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