Beta Orbiting Peek-A-Boo-Boo

With babies, playing peek-a-boo is a classic game. It both delights them and teaches them an important cognitive skill. Just because you can’t see something, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Mommy is there and then mommy is gone… and peek-a-boo! Mommy is right back! Yay! And mommy is gone again… peek-a-boo! OMG she’s back! Wow. And she’s gone again… peek-a-boo! Oh this is hysterical, mommy you’re a wizardly genius! Dinner and a show.

Once the kids get mobile, the game gets a little more serious. Because mommy can completely disappear from one room, and be in another room. Which is fine for a minute or two, because there’s just something about this squeaky toy hammer that enthralls me. It causes no injury whatsoever, but my brother Thomas seems enraged by it hitting him. Why is that?

And…

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s mommy? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Mommy…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s mommy! She’s in the laundry. Hi mommy. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh mommy your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So….

Fast forward say thirty odd years….

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s wifey? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Wifey…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s wifey! She’s in the laundry. Hi wifey. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh wifey your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So stop it. Stop chasing your wife through the house like a toddler. She’ll be right back. Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT.

Sure if you hear some sort of cascading crash and her anguished cries for help… go check on that. Likewise if more than half an hour has elapsed… it’s fine to lay eyes on her. Just don’t chase her through the house.

This is how your wife experiences endlessly seeking her out…

Also…

You are not goddamn Barney the Dinosaur. Not every single incidental passing in the hallway needs to involve cuddly-wuddly hug, kisses and gushing demands of verbal commitment.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT. IT MAKES HER VAGINA SEAL ITSELF SHUT.

If you’ve been running about your house like Virginity Pledge Care Bear and need a good rule of thumb for displays of affection to get yourself under better control, use the ye olde Roissy Golden Ratio approach. For every three instances of her initiating the display of affection, you should initiate two times.

Ideally your two times should involve things like kissing the back of her neck, lightly dry humping her ass, deep kisses where you lightly touch her face or gently pull her hair.

Anyway…

Ugh…

I need a palate cleanser.

Captain and First Officer When The Marriage is Slamming Into Icebergs

Some follow up from the last two posts.

(1)  I’ve had a small explosion of email, messages and forum comments of people vomiting their guts up about their own personal Elephant in the Room. This is all good.

(2)  I’ve also had a fair number of emails and comments to the effect of, “Okay I admit to having screwed it all up, having missed how unhappy she was. But then she did [totally inappropriate behavior]. Am I really to blame for all that?”

Too long didn’t read….  hit an iceberg and it’s the Captain’s fault.

Long answer… and please, remember this is a blog post using the broad brush…

Whether the husband knows it or not, and even whether the wife knows it or not, almost always their biology is going to assume a male Captain, female First Officer arrangement. We can fill our heads with anything we want to believe about relationships, but for almost all of us, when the going gets really tough, our Body Agenda simply asserts itself and starts making making decisions based on a Captain and First Officer model.

Or put another way…you can have a wonderful equal relationship for years on end… but when something really blows the hell up… *poof!*  suddenly you’re the Captain and she’s the First Officer.

I realize that sounds like a terrible cop out I’m handing the wives, but I’m just saying that this is exactly what happens routinely in times of relationship stress. This is exactly what women are designed to do. Women are programmed on a deep biological level to seek out and attach themselves to men who are “winners”. So when you suddenly start racking up some serious losses, women start reassessing the entire relationship.

That reassessment isn’t a hair-trigger thing. You’re not going to be dumped for one bad day or individual failure. Wives look at their husbands a little like a sports fan following their favorite team. You aren’t expecting a perfect season, but you want to at least see some sort of reasonable hope that this year you could get to the playoffs… and if not this year, at least it looks like someone made some coherent choices about it being a rebuilding season. But obviously watching endless grinding failure after failure… well it’s all hard going continuing to follow this team if you know what I mean.

So all usually goes quite well for a while, until there’s some sort of terrible screw up. If the screw up is hers, suddenly she’s the First Officer and she cries her eyes out and limps to the Captain to save the day. If the screw up is his, the First Officer thinks the Captain is an idiot and expects him to clean the mess up… and if the clean up isn’t good enough… it’s at this point she starts checking out of the marriage.

So almost always, the critical error that starts the real relationship momentum downwards, is the husband’s.

And once again just to be clear – that sounds like I’m blaming the man and giving the woman a free pass – I’m not, I’m just explaining what actually happens. I get that on a rational level as you read it, it’s insulting to both men and women.

So there’s some sort of critical incident that happens, and it’s very likely a completely legitimate “Dude WTF were you thinking?” incident, that the wife is pretty well justified in feeling hurt or angered by. Then the checking out process starts for the wife and the relationship starts to decline over a period of months, or vastly more likely… years.  During that time of decline, the wife is typically making several attempts to signal her unhappiness with her husband, but they also are typically not heard well enough for the husband to recognize and make amends.

Eventually enough attempts to communicate that go unheeded take place and the wife gives up on the relationship completely and stops making attempts to signal distress. Typically at this point the husband can mistakenly believe the relationship has improved because she stopped complaining. In fact though, it’s in a very bad place. Once the wife is fully checked out, that’s when all the truly nasty stuff that a wife who holds her husband in contempt starts happening. The lies, the cheating, the divorce papers, the gathering up the children and fleeing out of state et al. This often takes him by complete surprise because he thinks the relationship is fine.

So… let’s assign the blame…

For the husband, whether he knew it or not, he was always the Captain. He was always the one more responsible for the relationship outcome than the wife was. Just like in any other team arrangement, the team leader is more responsible for the team than the other team members are. So the totality of the marriage is more his fault than her fault. This is an extraordinarily bitter pill for a man to swallow in the aftermath of the failure of his marriage.

For the individual critical incident where the husband screwed up, well obviously that’s his fault. I think that’s simple enough to understand.

The failure of communication about her distress to him, is again his fault. It is always the team leader that is responsible for a team’s communication. Likewise if a team leader screws up something, it should not require dramatic efforts on the part of a team member, to draw the team leaders attention to the mess. My advice in my last post, How To Fair Warning a Husband That Doesn’t Listen (Before Things Are Too Late To Fix) , lays out some suggestions for dramatic efforts for the wife to gain her husband’s attention when he is ignoring her.

In terms of all the crazy, nasty, evil shit the wife did when she’s checked out of the marriage…all of that is her fault. She’s making conscious choices when she fucks around on her husband et al.

Plus by the time the relationship is really getting bad, both parties are usually treating each other with varying degrees of anger, insult and contempt. That’s equal blame.

In terms of cleaning up the mess and starting over, that’s a whole other post’s worth of stuff to get into. Suffice it to say though, without a clear admission of wrongdoing and genuine apology for their part of the mess, it’s not going to work very well as a clean up. There’s always something for both sides of the couple to be genuinely sorry for, before major relationship drama can be gotten past and healing take place. I strongly advise NOT to try and persist in rebuilding a marriage after an affair has taken place, unless both the cheater and the betrayed spouse can understand their roles in creating the situation where an affair happened AND they make a genuine admission of apology.

Unless you can find the root cause of the affair (Often it’s The Elephant in the Room) and fix that, you’re very likely only going to have a temporary lull in the decline of the relationship.

But don’t misunderstand this point either. Sometimes so much damage is done as the relationship falls apart, that one or both halves of the couple simply cannot move past it. There may also have be serious structural changes happening that impede fixing things. Genuine apology is never a bad thing, but it’s also not a magical cure either.

That being said, I’ve seen MMSL work some impressive recoveries.

Explaining more… buy the book.  Need support… join the forum.

How To Fair Warning a Husband That Doesn’t Listen (Before Things Are Too Late To Fix)

One of the common beliefs in the Manosphere is that men are calm, rational, thoughtful creatures, and that women are emotionally driven and irrational. The common word used to describe the pseudo rational verbiage to support the decisions of an emotionally irrational mindset is called The Female Rationalization Hamster. It’s where women manufacture all the crazy bitch parts of their personality.

It really is true. Women have a large part of their brains devoted to all these hamstering thoughts. It’s called a Neo-Cortex… which is obviously quite confusingly the same place men do all their calm, rational, thoughtful thinking too. I might have noticed it before now myself, except my hamster told me not to look too hard and not worry about it, because it probably makes better sense as a paradox.

Anyway…

Men clearly, just as women do, have massive hamsters capable of the most amazing rationalizing nonsense you can imagine. As soon as a guy gets a touch of Oneitis for a girl, his mind spins an endless whirlpool of her charms and finds reasons to love her even more. The guy that circles the hot girl as her Beta Orbiter, has a constant internal chatter… “Hovering about her forever and masturbating in secret is a fantastic plan that will pay off eventually.”

That whole thing where Nice Guys spin up covert contracts in their mind that their wife has no idea about? That whole contract was spun up into existence during a conversation between him and his hamster. “If I just do even more nice things for her, then she’ll have to fuck me won’t she!”  “That’s exactly right!” said the hamster, “Pure genius!”

Anyone who has ever said, “No. I know my wife really well, she would never cheat on me”…. squeaky squeak squeakum. I’m totally serious on this one. There are some men who even in the face of some pretty blunt evidence, deny that their wife is involved with other men. As in really blunt evidence. As in “Dude, she left in a huff for three nights, she’s on the pill but there’s an empty box of condoms in her car, there’s thousands of text messages to a number you don’t know.”

Or how about the standard line of guys saying to themselves… “Look I know she’s married, she’s the one that wants to cheat on her husband. If I don’t sleep with her, some other guy will anyway.”  “Exactly,” said the hamster, “you’re not a douchebag at all. In fact, you’re probably stabilizing the marriage and doing the husband a favor!”

And the most important one of all… “Only women have hamsters, men are the rational ones.”  “Exactly!” said the hamster, “you can see on the MRI the tiny little walnut size of the female brain, and when you put a male in the MRI scanner… well… it’s just supermassive in comparison. Obviously two completely separate branches of evolution took place here.”

 So… here’s where the husband’s hamster screws up the marriage…. and why the wife screws up her communication to the husband.

The only reason that really motivates a man to have an interest in a woman is sexual. I realize I’m painting with a broad brush here, I’m sure all you ladies reading have wonderful appealing personalities and whatever else it is you think you bring to the table. Trust me… your wonderful charming man that’s great with the kids… he married you for your pussy and that’s about it.

As long as he’s getting pussy from you… his hamster tells him he’s in a good relationship. Things are going great.

Now this is where the wives come in and screw it all up. Women talk about everything. Non stop. Endlessly. Continuously. Some of it’s good stuff, some of it’s bad stuff, there’s a lot of drama, a lot of emotion in there too. The wives Fitness Test and Loyalty Test and whine and nag and complain and recycle arguments from twelve years ago. Then they bring up something that happened five years ago, to another couple she knows, applies their situation to your relationship as a hypothetical scenario, which you fail to take seriously enough, which ruins a perfectly good ride home from her mother’s house.

After a few years of marriage, most men start experiencing the words coming out of their wife’s mouth as of form of white noise. It’s all just talk.

And there’s still sex once in a while, so… his hamster tells him he’s in a good relationship. Things are going great.

Then something happens with the wife and she finally stops being a whiny bitch and cuts back on the white noise.

And there’s still sex once in a while AND she’s stopped complaining, so… his hamster tells him he’s in a really awesome relationship. It’s never been this good.

Then on a perfectly normal Tuesday, everything explodes. Divorce papers / affair discovery / Restraining Order / she flees with the kids / something else really beyond the pale. Cue up the stunned and enraged husband…. “WWWHHHhhhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!!?!!?!?!?!?”  “Exactly.” said the hamster shaking with liquid anger, “after everything he’s done for you over all these years. Suddenly I see you for the evil gold digging hypergamous whore that you are!” 

For some reason I always hear the male hamster as being voiced by Steve Urkel. Try it. Say that line in your head in Urkel’s voice. “Why Laura… After everything I’ve done for you over all these years. Suddenly I see you for the evil gold digging hypergamous whore that you are!”

So ladies. Bless your hearts. I get that you were unhappy about things, but you were simply talking to a man you knew wasn’t listening to you. Then periodically you’d give him sex, and tell him by your actions that things were still okay. Then you nuked the entire relationship into the ground by you doing something totally over the top, and instead of trying to fix a relationship with your orginial problem set, now you’ve added a second set of issues and things are much worse.

So the real question is what works to get through to a husband that things are really NOT going well in the relationship. That you have a genuine, major and reasonable complaint that must be addressed. I’m not talking about dumb stuff like “The kitchen cabinets need refinishing”, I’m talking about stuff like, “It’s been five years of erectile dysfunction”, “We’re losing the house”, “You’re addicted to gambling.”

Well what does work are the really serious stuff like - divorce papers / affair discovery / Restraining Order / she flees with the kids / something else really beyond the pale. But those are all problematic and damaging… though do notice that they are all actions as opposed to talkSaying “I want a divorce” carries next to no weight compared to being handed actual divorce paperwork to sign. 

Some suggestions….

(1)  Separate the bedrooms.

(2) Remove your wedding rings.

(3)  Ask him to move out.

(4) Tell him that you are not in love with him anymore.

(5) Lock him 100% out of your online presence and communication devices.

(6) Have either his father or your father tell him you’re on the verge of leaving him. (Authority figure + not a “white noise” female talking)

(7) Tell him you are starting to consider sex with other men.

(8) Shouting out for myself, buy him the Primer and tell him to join the forum.

(Related post: http://marriedmansexlife.com/2012/09/what-your-partner-reading-mmsl-really-means/)

(9) Start running your own MAP and immediately hitting the gym and looking better.

(10) Investigate your state’s divorce / alimony / child support laws, and figure out the math on what he’d be likely to have to pay, based on a 50/50 custody agreement and non-combative parting of the ways. Give him the number.

I would also recommend doing several of those options in one heavy hitting strike. Your goal is to hit him so hard, that it bypasses his hamster and makes him sit up and take it seriously. Yet also that it’s a non-fatal blow that doesn’t then create additional problems to clean up. He’s meant to feel exactly like he heard a gunshot and felt the whistle of the bullet go right by his head. He’s meant to be freaked the hell out and start going into panic mode.

After that? Well I don’t know exactly what happens. He might pull his shit together, he might not. All I can say is most husbands when push comes to shove, really do want to fix things with their wife rather than call it quits… the odds of that being much better if she keeps the moral high-ground and he can see she was warning him out of loyalty and love, rather than cutting and running to another guy.

Men really do love their women.

 

The Elephant In The Room (Help Me, Help You)

Athol: I’ve now seen thousands of cases of struggling marriages, infidelity, near misses with cheating, sexless marriages, walk-a-way wives and sudden divorce drama. I really do mean thousands upon thousands. MMSL has had a busy three years.

As someone who has been part of the Manosphere and now slowing drifting mainstream, I have a rather disappointing realization. The core problem in the relationship is almost always the mans fault. Are there some really quite questionable laws slanted against men – yes. Is there a systematic miss-education about what makes up a good relationship – yes. Is the Manosphere basically right about everything…. yep pretty much. Once you dial down the rage and listen to the deeper messages, there’s not too much I disagree with.

But I gotta tell you, I’m starting to get tired of individual men not facing up to the truth about their active role in their failed relationship.

There are unquestionably a very small percentage of women who are evil, bait and switch golddigging cunts, who deserve to experience a poorly skilled plastic surgeon. But the truth is that most women who become wives, are all in once they marry. You have to actively do something wrong to mess that loyalty up. Do they still Fitness Test and generally whine that the house isn’t big enough… yes… but that’s what they are designed to do. This is normal female behavior. If you don’t want to hear occasional complaints about your income, marry an ugly chick.

Jennifer: Dear you should edit out “ugly chick”, you just lost 60% of your female audience.

Athol: But I can lead with “Everything is the man’s fault” and that’s okay? Wouldn’t that drive 60% of my male readers away?

Jennifer: You have a point.

Athol: I think you’re my sexist oppressor.

Jennifer: Don’t push it lol.

Athol: Anyway….

The hard truth is if you go long enough with the case history, every single time after the husband’s rage has died down… and it may take years for that to happen…. he makes an admission of a gross lapse of his judgment during the marriage. I really don’t mean a little tiny thing either, I mean something bad enough where you suddenly sit back in shock and can’t help but mentally re-evaluate him as 20 IQ points less smart. As in, “Holy crap dude, why didn’t you do something about that?” “Really? She told you about XYZ and you just ignored it?” “She wrote you five letters about ABC?” “You had ED for how many years before she cheated?”

It’s the Elephant in the Room.

I’ve also several times now given appallingly bad advice because readers have withheld information from me. Some classic examples being not telling me about the abortion the husband asked the wife to get, erectile dysfunction spread over several years, endless job losses for poorly explained reasons, obvious mate guarding failure, swinging, bankruptcy, the husband’s own affair, medical issues and addictions. When someone tells me about their wife’s Batshit Crazy behavior for months on end, neglecting to tell me the whole time that just prior to the start of her Batshit Crazy behavior he had been caught with his pants down… I’m just going to give the dead wrong advice. Likewise if your wife leaves you for another man and then after six months of contact with me, you finally reveal that the other man was someone you’d done several threesomes with… ugh. Just ugh.

So here’s the deal. That thing that you really don’t want to come clean about. That thing that you don’t want anyone to know about. That’s the thing that’s fucking up your whole marriage. That’s the thing you need to face up to and get out into the open. MMSL isn’t going to be able to save your marriage, while you try and keep three tons of elephant droppings from seeing the light of day.

There have been a number of times where I have straight up told a husband to divorce his wife because of her [Totally Unacceptable Behavior], as in behavior so bad I’ve personally gotten angry and lost my temper simply reading about what she did. Then I’ve had to listen to the husband rather calmly tell me she was getting another chance because of [The Elephant in the Room].

Well maybe if you told me about [The Elephant in the Room] five months ago, maybe your wife’s [Totally Unacceptable Behavior] wouldn’t have happened. It’s almost like you planned it to happen… which is cool if you’re into that sort of thing, but please don’t drag me into email exchanges about it. And stop lying your ass off about how “I didn’t realize it was important.”  You damn well know it’s important… you sure guard it’s knowledge from leaking out into conversation like it’s got fish hooks in your balls.

And to be 100% clear here. I’m not going to judge you for your problem. The only thing I care about is fixing your problem. As in if you’re a total porn addict, I’m not going to tell you you’re a horrible person that should be ashamed of yourself, I’m just going to tell you how to kick it and get on with a happy marriage. Everyone comes with a bag of trash to MMSL, no one is perfect, we all need help. I just can’t stand the lying and the time wasting trying to get your life sorted out.

So what I’m saying is help me, help you.

So tell the truth about The Elephant in the Room. That’s where you’re going to get 50% of your total progress from. Buy the book, and join the forum.

Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex

Reader:  I’ve spent over $3K on counseling (couple and separate)and read every Christian and secular marriage book and kinky sex tips website (not that I needed any) but your site has gave me more insight into what is actually happening in our relationship and how I feel and things I’m doing wrong.

So- my husband was an English teacher when we met, he didn’t graduate until he was 30yo, I had a fairly successful self employed career and was divorced with one kid. We dated for 10 months then accidentally got preg. I did not want or mean to get preg or married. We had 2 kids back to back, he was laid off from job and so I have been the only income for almost 3 years. He agreed to get a job once unemployment ran out- about 10 months ago. He’s not looking.

I know this because I put a tracker on our computer because we don’t have sex. It started out as 1 time a week and has moved to once a month. I figured early on it was because I was preg. Then I lost all the weight and initiated and told him I wanted wild crazy, loving, any kind of sex.  I have heard every excuse in the world to its me, him, kids, job, etc.  He had always looked at porn. That’s one reason I put the tracker on I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want sex. I was never opposed to porn before, I was like that’s cool and that’s hot. Hell, I have offered 3somes for him. Anyway, he always lies about the porn, I will make it obvious that I’m taking off work and want one on one time and he will look at it before them and not be interested afterwards. This has happened countless times.

Ok- SR I think we are fairly equal. Not sure. He’s says I’m a 10 for my age-36 an an 8 for overall. I get hit on by hot fit 20yo. And women lol. I’ve been holding on for 4 years, last 2 are killing me. I need/ want sex/love with my husband and I want him to want me. He says he doesn’t. He is very beta acting in some ways and only alpha in a passive aggressive way.  I have became alpha in my ways because who’s going to take care of things????

I also can’t trust him with $ because of gambling problem and just very irresponsible things like selling his car that I paid for for gambling debt or getting loans with no intention to pay back! I have realized that I have been extremely focused on my career and am trying to pull back and be a better beta wife in the way I talk and treat him. But I can’t live like this much longer. I haven’t had an affair  but really want to just have that release and closeness with somebody. (To be wanted) All thoughts are appreciated and I appreciate cruel bluntness :)

 

Athol:  Okay here’s the deal… you’re simply “talking to the addiction” rather than to him. Internet porn is like “rock concert loud” on the dopamine receptors in his brain and essentially deafens him to further stimulation… unless it’s also “rock concert loud”. So you offering him sex just isn’t “loud” enough to get through to him.

It’s very common for wives with porn addicted husbands to jump through all kinds of hoops trying to get his sexual attention – lingerie, toys, more porn, date nights yada yada yada… and getting still near zero response. Usually the wife gives up and then the husband just has zero impulse to break free of the porn further and it all cycles around again deeper and deeper.

The gambling and the porn use are also linked addictions. There’s sort of an addictive bubble where cutting back say on the porn, would suddenly make him want to gamble more… and cutting back on both… would make him want to do something else new and addictive. Both sex/porn and gambling are powered by dopamine and he needs crazy amounts of it to feel just normal. So there’s no easy solution where you just can talk him out of being addicted, you have to really take action and force him to make a decision to work on things.

Or in other words, you have to play things into a position where losing you is a bigger deal than losing the addiction. So you basically need to run the MAP toward an ultimatum where he dumps the addiction or you punt him. Basically right now he sounds fairly dependent on you, so a firm “Option A or B” dicussion with divorce papers on hand to sign for Option B might work very quickly. See Chapter 27 in the Primer for a run down on the approach. Porn addiction and an affair are dopamine powered so neurologically it’s not really all that different of a process you’re trying to break up.

Sounds harsh, but it’s about the only way to get there.

As a potential follow up to an Option A where he chooses to work on the marriage: I’m increasingly liking the idea of using Wellbutrin as a band-aid to get through the withdrawal phase of the addiction (and/or affair recovery for the cheating partner). The primary action being to increase dopamine and norepinephrine… thus supplying a controlled dose of what they got from the addictive behavior, without actually having to perform the addictive behavior itself. Wellbutrin also doesn’t cause sexual side effects and can even increase sexual function as well. Plus the norepinephrine can act as a kick in the pants energy boost.

Porn is an increasingly complicated issue. I personally don’t have a moral problem with it, but it does seem that there’s a crap ton of men (and women) that get addicted to internet porn. It’s all a good time until your dick starts failing to stand up straight in the presence of your wife. There is a link between excessive porn use and erectile dysfunction.

Also, come join the forum. I seem to be having a sudden influx of “Porn Widows”.  http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/

Also http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ is an important resource.