Beta Orbiting Peek-A-Boo-Boo

With babies, playing peek-a-boo is a classic game. It both delights them and teaches them an important cognitive skill. Just because you can’t see something, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Mommy is there and then mommy is gone… and peek-a-boo! Mommy is right back! Yay! And mommy is gone again… peek-a-boo! OMG she’s back! Wow. And she’s gone again… peek-a-boo! Oh this is hysterical, mommy you’re a wizardly genius! Dinner and a show.

Once the kids get mobile, the game gets a little more serious. Because mommy can completely disappear from one room, and be in another room. Which is fine for a minute or two, because there’s just something about this squeaky toy hammer that enthralls me. It causes no injury whatsoever, but my brother Thomas seems enraged by it hitting him. Why is that?


OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s mommy? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Mommy…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s mommy! She’s in the laundry. Hi mommy. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh mommy your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.


Fast forward say thirty odd years….

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s wifey? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Wifey…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s wifey! She’s in the laundry. Hi wifey. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh wifey your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So stop it. Stop chasing your wife through the house like a toddler. She’ll be right back. Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.


Sure if you hear some sort of cascading crash and her anguished cries for help… go check on that. Likewise if more than half an hour has elapsed… it’s fine to lay eyes on her. Just don’t chase her through the house.

This is how your wife experiences endlessly seeking her out…


You are not goddamn Barney the Dinosaur. Not every single incidental passing in the hallway needs to involve cuddly-wuddly hug, kisses and gushing demands of verbal commitment.


If you’ve been running about your house like Virginity Pledge Care Bear and need a good rule of thumb for displays of affection to get yourself under better control, use the ye olde Roissy Golden Ratio approach. For every three instances of her initiating the display of affection, you should initiate two times.

Ideally your two times should involve things like kissing the back of her neck, lightly dry humping her ass, deep kisses where you lightly touch her face or gently pull her hair.



I need a palate cleanser.


  1. Ian says

    What do you do to get things started though? If she does no displays of affection, the mmsl 2011 says to take the lead and if you want to kiss her, kiss her while giving her space. How do you balance this?

  2. alphaguy says

    Athol, another great post! If you see yourself in this situation, you are a complete Nice Guy and need to work on some structural issues with your relationship…

  3. says

    @Ian – the short answer is don’t worry about it and continue MAP until the point she starts seeking you out more, then engage her.

    The longer answer is the complete relationship review to figure out any points of emotional blockage.

  4. Emi Jay Jones says

    Ok, I am just getting into this whole red pills and blue pills stuff – (Our relationship is still being figured out.. I’m done being Captain and I need my Husband to step up)
    BUT – YES… as a woman… YES.. I do NOT want my hubby following ME around like a lost puppy
    Great post.
    What turns me on is a guy who doesn’t need me all the time and NO I don’t need his help – if I did, I’d say “Hey babe! My arms are full, can you help me get this laundry out the door?” and he would get up from whatever he was doing and hopefully say “Sure buddy”….
    I’m not saying to ignore me and or my needs all the time.. but following and or asking “What should we do?” drives me insane.
    I have often told my Husband that I am like a cat…

    Men can initiate some lovin’ if you need it.. maybe watch for some clues from her?
    Don’t get me wrong, women like lovey cuddle stuff sometimes (unless she just cold all the time) or sometimes maybe they just want scooped up and tossed on the bed and uhm… well. you know…..

    I’m sort of different – I seem to want sex more then my Husband sometimes, and I’ll often try to catch him undressing or about to go shower… and look for play there. There are times when I’m cool to him and just distant… but that’s mostly because I’m worried about the mortgage or kids or something.. he will usually sense that I’m uptight and try to get me to talk, or even tickle me and let me know things will be ok with a hug… once my mind is at ease, I’m way more into being loved and then…. sexy time!
    Ladies like to feel secure.
    I’m not experienced with this whole thing, so I’m not good for advice I guess… I just wanted to say I agree with this post.
    Thank you, have a nice day.

  5. Josh says

    Isn’t there a difference between Barney hugs, kisses, and cuddles and kissing her (and grabbing her ass) to arouse her?

  6. Eric says

    I agree that you shouldn’t be groping and hugging on your wife every single time you lay eyes on her.


    I think if I followed the 3:2 ratio of affectionate touching described here, we’d have a lot less sex Giving my wife a lot of erotically affectionate attention throughout the day is how I charge her responsive desire. It’s what makes her ready for sex at night. If I waited around for her to do that kind of stuff to me, that fuse wouldn’t get lit nearly as often.

    I think the key is to NOT be like a puppy or child following her around. Be more like master chef who needs to keep an eye on the temperature of the feast he’s cooking up.

  7. DRocK says

    Never was quite THAT clingy fortunately, but backing off and working on invoking responsive desire has been among the more obvious yet effective components of my MAPping to date. Win.

  8. lily says

    Yes. Yes. Oh my God, yes.

    We have two large-breed rescue dogs. Both are extremely needy and follow me around the house all day long. I cannot get up and go get a glass of water without them coming too. And they are BIG and take up a lot of space. (They only follow me, not my husband. Argh.) Then there is the four-year-old always wanting to know what I am doing, and barging in on me in the bathroom. When my husband gets in on this action it certainly does not give me tingles, it just makes me want to run away just to get a few feet of personal space!!

  9. holdingallthecards says

    Pleading, begging, clinging = such a turnoff. If you have to ask for it (kisses, hugs,etc.), then you have not created the mood or environment of love.

    You just can’t cold call your wife. This will be treated in the same manner as when a telemarketer calls you at dinnertime to beg for money.

    I know that I will desire a man if he moves around with confidence, just doing his business. I get all hot and bothered by watching him cook me dinner in the kitchen, or getting sweaty doing yard work, or just running/pumping iron during a workout.

  10. Factory says

    There is one more important thing with Peek a Boo you have to keep in mind…it’s an excellent defence against the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal. Well, them and other creatures stupid enough to think if you can’t see it, then it can’t see you.

  11. ffp20 says

    I admit, i did those things…and stopped them before i started the MAP (before i read the book). She finally just told me she hated me doing that…and i asked if it appeared clingy. I knew what the true answer was so i stopped. It was hard somtimes to hold myself back but i did it. She was much happier because i had the strength to hold back. But there is a balance to reach or else she’ll think i dont care anymore. For a while i didnt but i started the Map and things are now very much on track.

  12. Bert says

    I side with Ian. My wife shows me little affection and my SR is higher than hers. I’m the only one reaching out, it’s a huge turn off. I feel like the right answer maybe is to initiate once, walk away and then ignore her the rest of the night, but then i get no sex. Does that make sense? What do i do if my SR is already higher by 2 points?

  13. Recovering_Beta says

    I wish I had found this blog in 2004 when I got married instead of 2012 when I got divorced. I did this behavior constantly, my wife even pointed out how annoying it was and I still did it. Why? Because i had the biggest cases of ONEitis and pedestal placing I can imagine

  14. 2manypasswords says

    I wish I’d had MMSL info – plus some of the better PUA material – back in the ’80s and ’90s when I was in college. Although MMSL is obviously geared toward married folks, I could have gotten laid 10x more then with a MMSL frame of mind.

  15. Shadow_Nirvana says

    Wow, this post is hilarious as well as informative.

    Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

  16. holdingallthecards says

    @Bert: there are also the possibilities that your wife doesn’t have as high a drive as you, or that you might be trying to get laid every time you touch her, which is a reason to avoid your advances. In other words, give her a quick kiss and then back off immediately — literally go busy yourself with a project in another room and leave her alone. She’ll be curious as to why you didn’t push the matter. She may even believe that you were simply being affectionate with no expectations.

    Just a suggestion.

  17. Doc says

    Not that long ago I was at a fair with a sweet-young-thing (SYT), I usually see it as her job to stay with me as I wonder around. If she wants my attention it is up to her to get it either by taking my hand or otherwise gaining my attention. So I was surprised to find her gone. I figured, I have a cell phone, if she needs me she can text or other wise reach me, and continued to explore. Of course, she managed to find me when I was chatting with another SYT and had just gotten her contact information via borrowing her phone and texting myself. Rather than doing the “I have something to hide” routine, I introduced her and brought her into the conversation. (The claws were only slightly hidden.) Since then, whenever I am out with her, I tend to never be out of her sight since, “I don’t want to find my ride gone, off giving a ride to another woman”. She got the message and I have had coffee with the other SYT since she works not that far from one of my offices.

    A woman has to constantly work to keep you – if she doesn’t, she will quickly lose interest. It may not be nice, but it is the nature of women. A woman that has “gotten” a man, is looking for the next one to hook. So you have to keep her constantly focused on keeping you – if guys learn nothing else in life, this is the one thing they must learn. It will keep them happy, and the women they choose to be with. It is what keeps a woman happy – competing with other women, and winning… You are the prize – if you ever forget that, she will find another prize. That choice is yours…

  18. ZLX1 says


    Yes. Well played.

    As many of us are aware there is always one party in the relationship that is slightly less interested in keeping it going. Now this could be pretty mild such as you just like a lot of “me” time on up to you have a bunch of other women on the side. Whatever.

    What I have gleaned from watching my own interactions and those of others play out, is that things generally go smoother and everyone is all around happier when it is the man that is the party that displays least interest.

    It seems to give the woman the drama and emotional stimulation she needs (amount required varies) and it acts as a check on the man to keep him from slipping into care bear territory, which is universally unattractive.

    Call it dread game or whatever. I just call it being a dude. If you’re over the age of sixteen the days of following some girl around all glassy eyed or being hypnotized by a pair of tits (they are strangely hypnotic no?) should be behind you. Do your thing. She will follow. If she does not, then you know what to do.

    Could this lead to a game of brinksmanship or battle of who care less? It sure can.

    If you find yourself in such a situation you should spend a bit of time thinking about how you wound up with a woman on your hands that wants to play that game with you. It’s in a chick’s nature to seek you out and to be warm and fuzzy. It’s in a dude’s nature to be more reserved with all that and dole out the occasional heart to heart moment to her. If these roles are reversed, I don’t think either one of you are going to be very happy campers and you’re probably going to both be experiencing a lot of relational anxiety and angst.

    As a guy you will just have to live with the fact that yes, you have a lot more emotions inside you and warm fuzzy feelings than the world or women will give you credit for. The problem is, the world and women don’t want to hear about it. That’s what guy friends are for, to a point. Beyond that point, you’re on your own. It’s just the way of things.

    As much as you want to gush and tell her all your deepest yearnings, thoughts and herb-tastic feelings. As much as you want to explode in a verbal volcano of beta Don’t. Don’t you dare.

    Yeah. I know it’s kind of messed up. You’re just going to have to learn to live with it.

    Yin and Yang and all that.

    Chin up gents.

    The Lolz!

  19. says

    As a woman, I can most certainly agree that no one wants a clingy man as described in the post. However, I certainly don’t want my man to appear disinterested either. I don’t want to be the only one showing affection, and I certainly don’t want the only affection I receive to be when he just wants to get it on. Talk about a turn off. The occasional unrequested shoulder rub with a soft kiss on the neck, a random hug while I’m cooking supper or even reaching for my hand while we’re watching tv goes a long way. Take it from the pro, boys, Athol said it best “Ideally your two times should involve things like kissing the back of her neck, lightly dry humping her ass, deep kisses where you lightly touch her face or gently pull her hair.” Welcome to the big leagues.

    BTW- great post. I’m glad I stumbled on your site.

  20. Geo L says

    Hilarious! you have my life for the last couple of years and especially the last 2 months totally pegged! Don’t know where this oneitis comes from. Can only figure it must be my age, and the fear of losing the wife and having to start over again, when my best physical years are past! I really looked forward to getting old and wise, ‘cept that modern life has now made it possible to stay young and hot even into our sixties. Thinking I was born about forty years late. Oh well!.

    Thanx Atol for this post, is a good reminder that though I yearn to join completely, spiritually, mentally etc. wife my wife, those times seem to be way behind us in the West.


  21. Flaming_Man_of_Iron says


    Sounds like there are other issues going on. Why don’t you make a bigger post in the forums, if you haven’t already?

  22. says

    Great advice and some great responses. There is strong and well informed following on this blog.

    I noticed someone mentioned the guy appearing “disinterested”. To that I’d would say it’s all about balance. The post isn’t saying be disinterested or ignore you wife (or woman) it’s saying don’t hang onto her trouser legs like a f**king toddler. You can still be affectionate, like everything it’s just about balance.

    I noticed Emi Jay Jones above mention that she tells her man she is like a cat. This is exactly how I describe a woman’s behaviour. Seriously, if you’re struggling to understand this (which is understandable because doing this right is an EXTREMELY fine line, sorry girls but it is) watch how a cat works a room the next time you get a chance. It will explain everything.

    The cat annoys everyone one at a time, jostling them for attention, however as soon the cat gets a bit of attention it’s straight of one persons lap and pestering for attention.

    This a fantastic reflection of how woman behave. I know some woman will have a problem with that but it seems even some of you agree. The other key thing you should remember, throughout history and evolution the strongest powerful men won (or took) the affections of woman. We are the ancestors of those people.


    (Win don’t take)


  23. gunslingergregi says

    We have two large-breed rescue dogs. Both are extremely needy and follow me around the house all day long. I cannot get up and go get a glass of water without them coming too. And they are BIG and take up a lot of space. (They only follow me, not my husband. Argh.)””””””

    sounds like it is time to get rid of the dogs

  24. says

    scientific FACT-

    moms have an 11 “mom” limit before they go into ass-beating mode. don’t push it. lol. been there, done that, wasn’t pretty. i’m sure the missus will validate.

  25. moving forward says

    Ughhhhhh. This is exactly my life for the last 10 years. EXACTLY. If it’s late and we’re both tired I say can we please not talk about this now bc it’s not going to be productive, OMG, he literally follows me from room to room and talks my ear off. *clamp*

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