Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex

Reader:  I’ve spent over $3K on counseling (couple and separate)and read every Christian and secular marriage book and kinky sex tips website (not that I needed any) but your site has gave me more insight into what is actually happening in our relationship and how I feel and things I’m doing wrong.

So- my husband was an English teacher when we met, he didn’t graduate until he was 30yo, I had a fairly successful self employed career and was divorced with one kid. We dated for 10 months then accidentally got preg. I did not want or mean to get preg or married. We had 2 kids back to back, he was laid off from job and so I have been the only income for almost 3 years. He agreed to get a job once unemployment ran out- about 10 months ago. He’s not looking.

I know this because I put a tracker on our computer because we don’t have sex. It started out as 1 time a week and has moved to once a month. I figured early on it was because I was preg. Then I lost all the weight and initiated and told him I wanted wild crazy, loving, any kind of sex.  I have heard every excuse in the world to its me, him, kids, job, etc.  He had always looked at porn. That’s one reason I put the tracker on I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want sex. I was never opposed to porn before, I was like that’s cool and that’s hot. Hell, I have offered 3somes for him. Anyway, he always lies about the porn, I will make it obvious that I’m taking off work and want one on one time and he will look at it before them and not be interested afterwards. This has happened countless times.

Ok- SR I think we are fairly equal. Not sure. He’s says I’m a 10 for my age-36 an an 8 for overall. I get hit on by hot fit 20yo. And women lol. I’ve been holding on for 4 years, last 2 are killing me. I need/ want sex/love with my husband and I want him to want me. He says he doesn’t. He is very beta acting in some ways and only alpha in a passive aggressive way.  I have became alpha in my ways because who’s going to take care of things????

I also can’t trust him with $ because of gambling problem and just very irresponsible things like selling his car that I paid for for gambling debt or getting loans with no intention to pay back! I have realized that I have been extremely focused on my career and am trying to pull back and be a better beta wife in the way I talk and treat him. But I can’t live like this much longer. I haven’t had an affair  but really want to just have that release and closeness with somebody. (To be wanted) All thoughts are appreciated and I appreciate cruel bluntness :)

 

Athol:  Okay here’s the deal… you’re simply “talking to the addiction” rather than to him. Internet porn is like “rock concert loud” on the dopamine receptors in his brain and essentially deafens him to further stimulation… unless it’s also “rock concert loud”. So you offering him sex just isn’t “loud” enough to get through to him.

It’s very common for wives with porn addicted husbands to jump through all kinds of hoops trying to get his sexual attention – lingerie, toys, more porn, date nights yada yada yada… and getting still near zero response. Usually the wife gives up and then the husband just has zero impulse to break free of the porn further and it all cycles around again deeper and deeper.

The gambling and the porn use are also linked addictions. There’s sort of an addictive bubble where cutting back say on the porn, would suddenly make him want to gamble more… and cutting back on both… would make him want to do something else new and addictive. Both sex/porn and gambling are powered by dopamine and he needs crazy amounts of it to feel just normal. So there’s no easy solution where you just can talk him out of being addicted, you have to really take action and force him to make a decision to work on things.

Or in other words, you have to play things into a position where losing you is a bigger deal than losing the addiction. So you basically need to run the MAP toward an ultimatum where he dumps the addiction or you punt him. Basically right now he sounds fairly dependent on you, so a firm “Option A or B” dicussion with divorce papers on hand to sign for Option B might work very quickly. See Chapter 27 in the Primer for a run down on the approach. Porn addiction and an affair are dopamine powered so neurologically it’s not really all that different of a process you’re trying to break up.

Sounds harsh, but it’s about the only way to get there.

As a potential follow up to an Option A where he chooses to work on the marriage: I’m increasingly liking the idea of using Wellbutrin as a band-aid to get through the withdrawal phase of the addiction (and/or affair recovery for the cheating partner). The primary action being to increase dopamine and norepinephrine… thus supplying a controlled dose of what they got from the addictive behavior, without actually having to perform the addictive behavior itself. Wellbutrin also doesn’t cause sexual side effects and can even increase sexual function as well. Plus the norepinephrine can act as a kick in the pants energy boost.

Porn is an increasingly complicated issue. I personally don’t have a moral problem with it, but it does seem that there’s a crap ton of men (and women) that get addicted to internet porn. It’s all a good time until your dick starts failing to stand up straight in the presence of your wife. There is a link between excessive porn use and erectile dysfunction.

Also, come join the forum. I seem to be having a sudden influx of “Porn Widows”.  http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/

Also http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ is an important resource.

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Comments

  1. Ian Ironwood says:

    Spot on, Athol.

    It’s important to distinguish between common porn use and actual porn addiction. What the reader describes is addiction, pure and simple. His wife is not going to have near the allure of porn at this point. If she’s smart she’ll hide the computer for a while.

    But I think perhaps part of the larger problem is the structural issues, specifically the job situation. Unless he’s a man of exceptional caliber, few men can remain economically dependent on their wives and still feel enough Alpha for regular sexual function. A sense of shame and defeat over not being able to be a provider for his family encourages escape through porn and gambling. Instead of interacting with his wife, who has little respect for him left even if she has a lot of love, he hides behind every rationalization he can find.

    My answer, in addition to Athol’s excellent advice, is to encourage him STRONGLY to get out and discover a new career. Probably not in porn or gambling. But once he’s contributing significantly to the household, he may generate enough self-respect to start edging back toward his marriage.

    Good luck!

  2. 2manypasswords says:

    I have 2 questions for the reader – 1) What exactly does your husband bring to the marriage? Not clear if he even takes care of the kids at all…2) How are you benefiting from all this? I mean, you must be benefiting in some way if you’re willing to plunk down $3K for shrinks, on top of all the money he’s blown on his addictions. I’m guessing that if you were single & we put you in a room with 50 guys, you’d gravitate toward the most screwed up one of the bunch. Am I right?

  3. pdwalker says:

    *picks jaw off floor*

    I would never have believed it.

    That poor woman.

  4. whatever says:

    Not sure about addiction. But knowing you aren’t going to find a job and banging your head against the wall is very, very depressing, especially in America where bosses have, in large part, adopted the “How-much-more-can-I-demand-TODAY” attitude. 20% of men of prime working age are unemployed. It’s stupid high.

    So depression may have more to do with the lack of sex drive than addiction.

    Also, and let’s be honest here. Did she accidentally get pregnant or was it an “accident”. I’ve seen a lot of women with such “accidents” complain that their husband appears to have no motivation. Yes, yes, I know, she is a girl with lying super-powers and no mere stupid man-animal could see through her moronic lies! Her mommy told her so! But does he really know? Is he more than a little vengeful?

  5. whatever says:

    Of course, her trying to be more “valuable” could work just fine. So, men value beauty and loyalty as the top.

    Where does letter writer stand on those two?

  6. just visiting says:

    Being in shape and on top of my girl game didn’t help in my case. Addictions are fecked up that way. The only thing that worked to get my husband to quit abusing pills (and rendering our sex life null) was an affair. I didn’t want to divorce him and screw up the kids. But I couldn’t face the years of celibacy until the kids were grown.

    He promised to quit, I promised to end the affair.

    The thing with addictive personalities, is that it’s a bit like cutting the head off of a hydra. It grows back . When we were young, this was expressed with risk taking and dare devil activities and extreme sports. Our marriage had periodic episodes of addiction on his part. The last addiction ended the marriage. His drug of choice made it impossible for him to be a good husband or father. And I wasn’t going to start seeing another man to get him motivated.

  7. Shimshon says:

    The wife doesn’t mention it, so I don’t know if it’s applicable or not. I know of two separate marriages where the porn addiction was so bad the husband could not get hard with a real live woman. They were genuine omegas (that both somehow landed wives). That could be the case here, but the husband has been able to hide it.

    I have a separate question on porn itself. I’ve discussed this issue with a red pill friend. We both agree that porn is beta. I mean, it’s understandable that the AFC resorts to it. But if you’ve a ready and willing partner, is there any time when jacking off by yourself is NOT beta (I’d say it’s actually omega, as these two erectilely-challenged men were/are)?

    I think even without the moral element, this would still be the case.

  8. Shimshon says:

    I think that should be jerking off (:-).

  9. taterearl says:

    “is there any time when jacking off by yourself is NOT beta”

    Even without a willing and able partner jacking off is beta.

  10. Trimegistus says:

    Bail out. Sounds like that marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of wasting her earnings supporting this guy, she should cut him loose. She’ll be happier, he’ll probably be happier. Not sure how much benefit the kids are getting from having an unemployed porn/gambling addict father in the house anyway.

  11. whatever says:

    As a practical matter, this guy is probably aware that women are now “saving” all teaching jobs for other women and his degree might as well be set on fire at this point. He was probably fired for being a non-dominant man. Odds are he knows that to. I know that it isn’t the wife’s fault, even though I’m sure she defends the behavior when he brings it up. Full support for behavior that is wrecking his life does not constitute being RESPONSIBLE for such behavior of course. This is because of female super-powers. Increasingly this is a super power even males believe they possess. Things are going to be great.

    He needs to change careers. Post 30. With an unemployment rate of 20% among male workers between 25 and 54 years of age. And he isn’t motivated. Of course, his whole degree, his whole work experience, everything has been set on fire. Well. Yeah for everyone.

    Her best bet is to take whatever foolish plan he has PROVIDED IT MAKES MONEY NO MATTER HOW LITTLE and support it. No matter how little money it makes. I don’t mean start a business that requires money to start up. That is suicide now. DO NOT DO IT. DO NOT DO IT. DO NOT DO IT. But if he thinks he’d like to tutor kids, support that. If he wants to become a car mechanic, support him finding a job that works towards that. Whatever stupid career he wants to try, support it. DO NOT GO TO COLLEGE. DO NOT GO TO COLLEGE . DO NOT GO TO COLLEGE. And if he makes a step towards doing it one day? Don’t SAY it’s good. Say you love him. Pet him on the head. Kiss him. Make him a nice meal. Positive reinforcement people. Positive reinforcement.

    It is possible, also, in the same way winning the lottery is possible, for him to get another teaching job. Not saying it can’t happen. Just saying it’s a bad bet.

    Again, for the slow. NO MONEY INVESTMENT IN NEW CAREER. NO COLLEGE. NO LEASE. NO CAPITAL PURCHASES. I CANNOT EMPHASIZE THIS ENOUGH. DO NO DO IT. COLLEGE IS MOSTLY A SCAM FOR THE LAST DECADE ANYWAY.

    The very stupid “solution” that will fail miserably:

    Bail out. Sounds like that marriage was doomed from the start. Instead of wasting her earnings supporting this guy, she should cut him loose. She’ll be happier, he’ll probably be happier. Not sure how much benefit the kids are getting from having an unemployed porn/gambling addict father in the house anyway.

    Single problem with that. Just one. See, she was a single mother at 33 years old who divorced her husband and got to experience the EPL lifestyle first hand. It was great, let me tell you. She then used the “get preggers” trick to get another man. As such she is more than a little painfully aware of her chances of tricking another man into marriage… and she probably doesn’t want more kids so that “play” is out of the question at this point.

  12. 2manypasswords says:

    There’s a book that came out last year called “The End of Men” by Hanna Rosin. The more I hear about guys like this, the more I think there’s alot of truth to the title & content of that book. I don’t know which is more astonishing – this guy being unemployed for almost 3 years & spending his time like this…or the wife tolerating it for so blasted long.

  13. whatever says:


    There’s a book that came out last year called “The End of Men” by Hanna Rosin. The more I hear about guys like this, the more I think there’s alot of truth to the title & content of that book. I don’t know which is more astonishing – this guy being unemployed for almost 3 years & spending his time like this…or the wife tolerating it for so blasted long.

    That’s because you are brutal and stupid.

  14. SW-AL says:

    Just how does a man wind up so far down the hole that he’d pass on the pleasures offered by a real, living breathing woman who quite clearly wants him? Kinky sex too? It simply boggles the mind.

  15. Joe_Commenter says:

    @SW-AL: maybe this woman isn’t all that she claims to be. Is she *that* hot? Is she the benevolent all patient loving mother that she is portrayed to be? IDK.

    I have personal knowlege of wives that claim to be all ready for action and desperate for the hubs attention, but when you start questioning how they really operate, you find out that they are kind of bitchy and demeaning towards their man. The man is taking the logical step of dis-associating from the bitch. IDK if that is the case here. We just don’t know

    I am not willing to tar and feather this man as some kind of beta-pussy-defective-example-of-a-man. There are 2 sides to every story, and we do not know his story. I’m sorry but I find it distressing that on a website dedicated to men, that the men here are so eager to throw this man under the bus. How do you know that this is not some fairy tale being spun by the hamster? It is never ever that cut and dry. I guarantee it.

  16. AJW308 says:

    …alpha in a passive aggressive way…
    Now there’s an oxymoron I’ve never seen before.

  17. Jack says:

    Ultimatium and then get rid of the internet connection in the house. Make him go to the coffee shop to watch porn.

    But pretty much spot on what Athol says. I’ve been addicted to gambling and it is a feeling that is so powerful it is hard to describe. It consumes you.

  18. L says:

    OMG dying for these posts! You may be posting less but it’s right on target as usual. I have been in a relationship damaged by porn addiction for almost ten years now. It’s gotten better but really hard to get over all the hurt. How the F*** do you move past it?

  19. Trimegistus says:

    Whatever:

    I agree that the dude has to start doing something . . . but this marriage just sounds like a total loss. Why shouldn’t she break up with him? What’s the downside for her?

    No support? She’s got that already. Plus she won’t be supporting him, so it’s a net win for her.
    No sex? She’s got that already. Plus at least she’ll have the chance to find someone else.
    No love? Sounds like she’s got that, too. Plus he’s being an immense emotional drain on her.

    I’ll stipulate that all this dude’s problems are someone else’s fault, probably women’s . . . but it still doesn’t sound like the marriage can or should be saved.

    Bail out is my advice and I stick to it.

  20. whatever says:


    I agree that the dude has to start doing something . . . but this marriage just sounds like a total loss. Why shouldn’t she break up with him? What’s the downside for her?

    No support? She’s got that already. Plus she won’t be supporting him, so it’s a net win for her.
    No sex? She’s got that already. Plus at least she’ll have the chance to find someone else.
    No love? Sounds like she’s got that, too. Plus he’s being an immense emotional drain on her.

    I’ll stipulate that all this dude’s problems are someone else’s fault, probably women’s . . . but it still doesn’t sound like the marriage can or should be saved.

    Bail out is my advice and I stick to it.

    So you’ll “stipulate” that other people caused his problems, before moving on to how you don’t care who did what. As I said. You are first stupid. Then you are brutal. Oh, and without loyalty as well.

    It’s interesting that a creature such as this believes it has anything to be self-righteous about.

  21. Trimegistus says:

    Whatever:

    What the fuck? I’m supposed to be “loyal” to an addicted fuckup just because he’s got a dick? That’s the same kind of corrosive idiocy that feminists have been pushing for fifty years.

    Brutal? I’ll cop to that. Sometimes you’ve got to cut your losses. Too bad your Mom didn’t think of that when she got the pregnancy test results back, you mewling sack of bile.

  22. RedPillWifey says:

    Well, that escalated quickly.

  23. K_C says:

    Yes, whacking off is beta. I just wished I’d learned that when I was a teenager rather than a couple of years ago! Of course, the typical reasons men are sold to avoid porn and masturbation are too weak: it’s a sin, it degrades women, it’ll make you go blind, etc. Then I read Athol’s post “Constantly whacking off to porn is not an alpha skill’ and it changed everything. Once I learned that they are beta-reinforcing behaviors it totally changed my mindset and switched me from white-knucking it to an excercise in upping my alpha. Alpha is not watching porn and whacking off; not watching porn and whacking off is alpha. I think it’s so key that it should be one of the explicit steps of the map if you fall on the high beta/low alpha side of the spectrum.

  24. Sam Weston says:

    It’s only a matter of time until she cheats on him. I have seen it before and it sounds like that will be the case here since she is a hot woman and in need of a good release. Maybe he will realize how much she wanted it when she leaves him for the hot young 20 year old… Man, who would have thought Porn could be this addicting…

  25. luciloveless says:

    Ok. I’m the wife and original poster. I thought this was only going to be on the forum so I just now am seeing all of these posts which are obviously different from the forum. I would like to respond to all but I can’t right now. Athol- I understand my sexual attempts do not compare/compete against the porn. But I still try, I can’t not. I have exhausted all of those so then did the ultimatum- a few times. He promises to stop and to read yourbrainonporn. That never lasts. I have talked to a few attorneys and he knows it, I filed. He says I’m taking the easy way out and never wanted to be here anyway. The counselor and myself have asked him to please take an anti-deppressant. He said no way. He’s always stressed out and grouchy. He is taking T and says he feels better, I see some difference but not alot and no increase in sex. I know that takes time as well. Ian and whatever- I have encouraged him in ANY job endeavor. I have paid for certain classes that he could get a license and make good money with certain refferals I could send his way. He wouldn’t take the final test. He has brought up some ideas for starting a biz and I was completly supportive although I thought they were not the best ideas. I never said a negative word and encouraged him to do it. Never moved from the idea. I did however refuse to pay for him to go back to school or sign for a loan. It took him 10+ yrs the first time for a B.L.A. and I’m not seeing that’s going to help anything. 2manypawwords and whatever- husband does take care of kids during the day and a small amount of housework. I hire maids to come in once a week to help out. I try to cook as much as possible. I have to say here that the only think I’m really getting out of this relationship at all is learning how to be a good wife and things that I’m doing or have done wrong. I don’t think people look at themselves often enough and this experience (esp this website/ manosphere) has developed in me a tremendous self analysis, what I truly believe in and what I’m doing to help or hurt any/this relationship. I know I’m going to get reamed for my Christian beliefs on this site but yeah- that’s why I’m commited to my marriage and kids. And as for the accident, yes it was completely, however I don’t think anything I say will make you beleive that. He is the one that wanted to stop wearing condoms. He was the one that told me he loved me first. He wrote first on a blog that this is the girl that he could see with a ring on her finger. No- I didn’t insist to put it on, drs said I probably couldn’t have another child so I wan’t really concerned. I was happy with my work and only child. This is a good place to note I’ve been reading Dalrock’s entire blog and completely agree with 99% of it. In my original post I stated I appreciate the cruel bluntness. I mean that- Why else would I be on this site asking for opinions/guidence. I can get the feel good feedback ANYwhere else -friends, alpha males, the church. (justified, etc) Also, I would be happy to send Athol a pic to rate myself/husband. But even if I/a girl is hot- if she is a total unsubmissive bitch then that sort of negates the hotness right? So I hope you can take my posts and words here as sincere. Yes- one can make themselves into anything they want to be on the web. So judge as you wish. One last respond to getting preg on purpose- and I really didn’t want to post this- I work with high alpha males, lots of $ (I’m not an assistant). I’ve had lots of offers, not affairs, legit I want you to be my wife, verified backed up with pre nups, cash up front crap (no I didn’t lead them on like you would like to think I did) These are ALPHA males that have $ that can buy your unteathered wifes/girlfriends :) . All my friends, fam says I’m stupid for not taking them. That’s for each person to decide for themselves. But I’m not going to be bought with money. Knowledge is what tempts me. My husband knows probably everything dicussed here but just doesn’t act.

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