Reader:  After reading MMSL and have started to turn my marriage into what it should be…slowly. I had a friend, who knows I’ve read MMSL, come up to me this morning and ask me “Is it too beta to make coffee every morning and bring it to your wife in bed.” He said it’s a way to show her that you appreciate her everyday. I told him I would not do that everyday. Is that too Beta? Am I wrong?

Athol:  It’s a comfort building move, so yes it’s Beta. I’m fairly often up before Jennifer and I always make a beeline for the coffee maker myself. Takes me an extra minute to make Jennifer a cup as well if she wants one. As Beta moves go it’s a fairly quick, easy and direct one.

But the real question is whether he’s generally Alpha or not. The formula looks like this…

Alpha + Beta = WIN

Beta = LOSE

Women love Beta. Love, love, love Beta…. but only from a man that has Alpha.

There really is no “bad Beta” unless you mean it in the sense of “the cup of coffee you bought her this morning was a terrible cup of coffee.” As in, something that was meant to be nice and comforting, was actually kinda yucky. If you cooked her dinner and she gets food poisoning, that’s “bad Beta”.

But usually what people mean by “bad Beta” is a Beta move delivered with a Display of Low Value / terrible Alpha. That’s what gets her contempt circuits starting up.

You don’t scamper about like a lost puppy looking to be let outside, bringing her a cup of coffee. You don’t wince at her slight frown of displeasure with the first sip. You don’t return to the kitchen to “try and get it right”. You don’t bounce up and down on your heels waiting for praise for bringing mistress her coffee. You don’t hope you get your dick sucked for bringing her a cup of coffee.

You just make her a cup of coffee.

Then get on with your Alpha day.


  1. I slightly disagree.

    People naturally loose respect for someone they SEE performing “servile” work. (Work they could do themselves easily, not involving any skill or important decision-making.)

    Waking up before your wife, making coffee, and when she wakes bringing her a cup is positive Beta and neutral Alpha.

    Making coffee while she watches you make coffee is positive Beta but negative Alpha.

    (Ask her about how different it feels when she watches you empty the dishwasher versus when she wakes from a nap and she notices you empied the dishwasher while she slept. The former is servile. The latter is magic.)

  2. You can get away with this, but it has to be provisional. I bring my gf a glass of water every morning (better for you than coffee, think about it) only because she shows me appreciation for it. She knows that if she doesn’t sincerely thank me, she’ll be getting her own damn water and I won’t do it for her again. Alpha + Beta is simply being nice without being a doormat. Have that line in the sand and defend it!

  3. Alpha coffee- “I made coffee- you’ll take it and like it.” *naughty grin* bonus points for ass slappage:)

  4. I wouldn’t necessarily say that making coffee is servile. For me, making coffee is magic. No matter how many times I’ve watched it being done, had it explained, read the instructions, I cannot make a decent cup of coffee. Standing there watching my boyfriend making me a cup of coffee is like watching a magician. It’s totally awesome because it’s something I can’t do. I have a lot of skills that are pretty awesome but that? Just not one of them.

  5. BetaTester says:

    I make coffee every day but do not bring it to her. I abstained from coffee for the last six weeks as part of lent (and this morning is my resurrection). She complained there was no coffee made. My response was tough crap. Take 5 minutes and set up the coffee maker yourself and make your own. I am guessing caffeine withdrawal could be the closest a man could come to PMS.

    So this morning she was very appreciative (big kiss, promise for reward later, and an boob flash) when I made coffee and brought it to her.

  6. This post reminded me of Jonathan Coulton’s song “Glasses”
    It is basically a song-long description of a life of a couple with kids. And it has the line
    “The thoughtless kindness of a coffee cup waiting by the door.”

  7. gaoxiaen says:

    As a 55-year-old bachelor,I generally cook, clean (a little), make coffee, etc… for myself. It takes very little effort to do it for two people. If I do it for mistress(es) they appreciate it or they get invited to do it her(them)selves. Shuts them up or they do it for me. I really don’t care one way or the other. Very often they volunteer, unless it’s just a booty call.

  8. This is actually part of our daily ritual, in a Red Pill sort of way. I make the coffee every morning (I used to work in Specialty Coffee, I’m a snob about it). Back in my Beta days I would bring her a cup without fail. Over the years, however, if I was upset with her I started not bringing it — I know, a little passive-aggressive. But it conveyed a signal. Happy Ian = coffee Unhappy Ian =/ coffee. As I took the Red Pill, I reframed it into a reward system, and used it to establish the boundaries of our relationship.

    But I absolutely agree with Athol. Whether or not a move is Beta in a good way or bad way is utterly dependent on the context of the rest of the relationship. Bringing her a cup of coffee out of strength is gracious. Bringing her one out of supplication is pathetic. If you have a superabundance of Alpha then when you do display Beta, it is psychologically acknowledged as the quirky exception, not the boring Beta rule.

  9. I’d never do it again, I was an early riser and almost always made coffee & breakfast through the week. It came to be seen as what it wasn’t, a beta act. It simply made more sense for us because I had a home office, was already up and working by 6:30 and did not have to be somewhere else at 8:30, she did. Any time you do anything for someone on a regular basis they begin to see it as a sign of subservience or feel entitled to it. If I had it to do all over again I’d have let her get her own breakfast and coffee and not had a home office.

  10. I rarely if ever drink coffee. I hate it actually. And I never make it. I don’t even have a coffee machine. So I can’t be Beta on that front.

  11. My husband is a morning person and I am not, but we both have to get up and go to work. He gets up every morning and makes the coffee, then brings me a cup. We sit in bed and drink our coffee and talk for about 20 minutes. It is one of the defining rituals of our marriage. I do not see it as subservient in any way; I appreciate it greatly and let him know that. He also gets a great deal of sex. Everyone is happy.

  12. I have a hard time believing someone could put this much thought into making coffee and be alpha. My coffee machine has a timer, if this dilemma is tying you in knots that’s probably a feature to look into.

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