Energy Sets and Unintentional Benefits of MMSL

Obviously I’ve been writing with the goal of fixing sex lives and repairing marriages, but one of the striking things about MMSL is that so often I get reports of fairly unrelated benefits from having run the MAP. The biggest and most obvious one I hear is weight loss. All I’ve said is “get to the gym” and people report back all kinds of weight loss and improved body shape. If I was running a weight loss program I’d probably be boasting about average pounds lost or something. I mean some people really do report back with 80+ pound losses.

I also hear a lot of “things got a lot better at work” and “the kids behave better now”.

The truth is that I tend to see a lot of things as a sort of “energy set” where multiple things are kinda crappy throughout someone’s life. House kept crappy, relationship crappy, job prospects crappy, fat… that’s a set that goes together. Then as one thing gets resolved for the better, eventually everything else gets easier to manage too. Eventually everything steps up to a higher set of energy. Like stepping up to… house tidy and repaired, relationship good, job better, in good shape.

Almost everything I teach boils down to having a high and positive energy. High energy is sexy. Half the reason I tell people to work out is just so they feel better and more positive about themselves.

I’m curious. Apart from more / better sex, how has MMSL helped you? Have you seen that pattern of low energy sets changing into higher energy ones?


  1. I’m a 34 year old male. My boss is a 65 year old female. I have been working out and lifting weights for six months, lost. 20 pounds and bulked up quite a bit. I used to hate going to work. I am in sales and my boss would treat me like shit if my numbers were down for the month. She would insult me in front of the other sales staff ,barge into my office and question me on my dedication to the office sales goals. Lately, things have gotten much better. The insults have stopped. Generally, my sales numbers are up overall without changing any sales techniques. I did have a poor month last month and my boss just brushed it off like it was no big deal. By the way, my wife is begging for sex now.

  2. Catalyst says:

    Landed a great new job after I got in shape and started working on my body language. Wife still hates me, but I’m a hell of a lot happier with myself, and that’s what really matters.

  3. The discipline that running the FAP (I still think of it as that, sorry) has required has helped me with the all important home life, the full time college course and the full time working that came a few months into it. Come to think of it, I think the working out, and being shown how to combine a drive to do something with my life while still being womanly and nice, actually helped get me the new job/course in the first place, so there’s that. The combination has made me utterly ruthless with my time. It’s astonishing what you can actually do (work, study, sex, some cleaning, sex, working out…) when you stop whining, take a deep breath and just decide go balls to the wall, to the best of your abilities. I honestly can’t remember the last time I watched the Tee Vee.

  4. I’ve also cut out a lot of dead wood, not in a malicious way, but more in the sense that there are some people I don’t have time for. Talk about your dreams, but do nothing to make them come true? We’ve lost contact. Go to the pub several nights a week, but self pityingly complain when you “can’t afford” €25 to come with me to see an opera at the cinema (in a nasty spirit of “isn’t it well for you?”)? We’re done. Generally have no plans and no direction? Sorry, can’t be bothered.

    It’s kind of refreshing, actually.

  5. For all the talk of the C/FO and the Need to Lead, I’ve found that understanding and internalizing it relaxes me wrt both things I should be responsible for, and things that are really not my job to direct and so I can be hands off. For example, I know now the benefits of being decisive on “what do you want to do today” or “what should we do for dinner.” And I’m OK with owning that, because owning that produces relationship benefits (b/c she is affirmed of my ability to be in charge when she doesn’t want to be). However, on things like “let’s watch a movie…I want to watch THIS movie” I don’t really feel the need to protest or to insist that MY movie get watched. Unless it’s a really girly movie or something like that.

    Of course, reading when she wants me to take charge and when I don’t need to is a key meta-skill for M/R game.

    So much of the difficulty in coming to a good C/FO attitude is that most guys I know really don’t need to “have it their way” all the time. We’re not that concerned with where we go to dinner, what colors the towels are, etc.

  6. NaughtyZoot says:

    Wow, it’s hard to put into words how I believe MMSL has helped my husband and I. Apart from more and much better sex, I haven’t seen him on the couch once since he read the Primer (unless he and I are on the couch together). He used to be obsessed with reading CNN and BBC on his phone, to the point of completely ignoring me when I’d speak to him. That was so hurtful, but he hasn’t done that once since MAPing and we hardly watch TV when we’re together anymore. We try to go out and do something every weekend and have such a great time together whether we’re out or at home. This is the quality time I’d always needed but never really received. In turn, I naturally give him the physical contact that he’s always needed but wasn’t really receiving from me, from simply running my hand across his back as I walk past him in the kitchen to full on throwing down on the aforementioned couch =)

    Also, he’s been working really hard to understand his life script of avoidance, isolation, and mistrust. He seems to have such an acute awareness now of how and why he became and stayed that way and a very focused determination and plan to “cut a new path” rather than simply following the well-worn one he always has. The Primer really was the catalyst for him opening up to, researching, and accepting some psychology principles because he was desperately looking for answers and the Primer described us in so many ways. I’m so impressed and proud of his positive initiatives. Seeing his progress motivates me even further to understand and change my life script of mistrust, fear, and to (I’ll just say) calibrate my moral compass. Sometimes while driving I would burst into tears thinking about how far I’d sunk myself into despair and how hopeless our marriage was. But now I randomly smile at the upwelling confidence that we’re making ourselves healthier and happier people and our marriage something truly great and meaningful.

    I know there are many more factors at play here in our success so far (e.g. both of wanting to salvage our marriage, both of us wanting to change our behavior, etc.), but I genuinely don’t think that we could have gotten to where we are right now without the Primer.

  7. One of the interesting/frustrating things about MMSL and game and all that is that you can be working really hard on things, but working in the wrong direction or on the wrong things, and changing what you are applying your effort towards can dramatically change your payoff. It can be humbling to realize you’ve been wasting your effort on the wrong thing, like trying to supplicate and make your wife happy instead of becoming more decisive and attractive.

  8. I been pondering this. The obvious is the weight loss.

    I think that without MMSL, I would truly be in a dark place right now, because I wouldn’t have a rock (Captain M) to cling to in all the chaos going on in our lives for the last year and a half. I think it’s pulled me out of a pretty deep depression that I wasn’t dealing with in the slightest.

  9. KansasFighter says:

    I read the book and saw a lot I was doing already. However two big things I hadn’t been doing was being the Captain and conflict resolution. I used to be a “raging bull”. I would put up with a lot of things until I boiled over and went nuts-so on whatever was getting under my skin. However a conscious decision of saying, “this is how a man should act”, has allowed me to not only go nuts-so when it’s appropriate but I also head off a lot of problems long before things would reach the boiling point.

  10. Fortyish says:

    Running the MAP has made me a better supervisor at work. I manage my men much the same way as I run the house… Decisive. It works, and has been missing for years both from my marriage and in life in general. I agree with another poster who said something like; I just didn’t care what we ate or what we did saturday night. The thing I’ve learned is, although being indecisive isn’t a crime… it isn’t SEXY.

  11. Before:

    Me: Do you want to go out and do something fun this weekend?
    Her: Not really. I’m a bit tired.


    Me: I want to go out dancing on Saturday night.
    Her: Sounds great.

  12. So in terms of unintended benefits…

    my social life is fun again!

  13. Joe_Commenter says:

    Before MMSL, I would wait around and see if my wife wanted to lead a situation. OFten we had leaderless moments.

    AFter MMSL: I recognize where I need to lead and do it. Things seem to flow so much better.

    And like Athol says, when you fix 1 big thing in your life, other things start falling into place. What I find is that the positive vibes I radiate make me appear so much more leader-like, Makes me more attractive, and people just seam to gravitate to me now.

  14. If you believe the concept of being a Captain, then the analogy has to be taken a bit further to believe that your life is “”your ship”. And ships can only go in one direction at a time – the problem is, we only recognize the direction when it’s seriously off course [OMG, She’s really moving out, and what, she’s been fucking some dude for the past 6 months, where have I been?]. And then you start to notice other things…Get I got really fat; I don’t sleep all that well; these kids act like entitled little brats; boy, my work is kinda off and I’m not excited about it much any more; etc and so on.

    We “wake up” in the bright shining moment and realize how far off course our “ship” has gone. Thus, when we start to correct the course, the whole thing starts to get better….Wow, I feel great and look, I can wear those 34″ waist jeans again; maybe a I need to think about changing jobs; Why did I ever quit playing golf; I really enjoy seeing my kids, they say the wildest things; oh yea, I’m glad she moved out; etc. and so on.

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