The Eternal Captain Rule

If there’s a element of learning the Red Pill that’s like getting a gaping chest wound… it’s The Eternal Captain Rule. Namely…

“Ignorance of your responsibility to have been the Captain is no excuse.”

The perception is that men always have the personal power to effect change, while women can more easily frame themselves as the victim of circumstance. Therefore, if you’re the husband, just because you didn’t know you were supposed to be the Captain, doesn’t excuse you from having failed as the Captain in the past. Even if having an equal relationship was by mutual agreement, if it all falls apart it’s going to be the husband who carries the most blame for the failure.

I’m not saying it’s fair. I’m just saying what it is.

Just as importantly, the average woman quite pointedly responds sexually to a dominant leading man. Lack of a husband displaying reasonable dominance and leadership is a fast track to relationship failure. Weak and poorly leading husbands may as well be actively pushing their wives into the arms of other men. Women as the manosphere so rightly explains, are hypergamous – seeking strong, powerful, leading men. It’s what they are designed to do, its normal female behavior.

Harsh truth here… complaining about normal female behavior makes you sound like a loser. Stop whining about it.

In the same vein I don’t react with shock that someone was half eaten by their pet tiger. Tigers are created to be merciless, rampaging, killing machines. It’s what they do. Your pet tiger killing you is simply your tiger displaying normal tiger behavior.

So for whatever reason your life falls apart and you suddenly become homeless… odds are pretty good that your wife isn’t going to be homeless with you. If she has a better deal than you she can get to be with… she’d be rational to not bed down in the cardboard box with you. It would be her being crazy to stay with you.

I’m not saying that all women are jaded, gold-digging whores waiting for the first moment of weakness to jump ship to a larger cock… it’s not THAT bad (he said softly massaging his right temple for effect, thinking that the tiger metaphor was perhaps poorly chosen)… but every woman expects you can hold your shit together and be a productive spouse on a routine basis.

The old line is that “women don’t want to win, they want a winner.”

There’s a lot of truth to that, but it’s also worth saying that no one expects you to roll through life like an endless perfect season either. You can even have a losing season…

…but if you do, you better have a plan and a show of confidence that you can turn the franchise around and have a winning season.

Right now…     —–>   Buy the damn book.

Comments

  1. Arlequin says:

    “Ignorance of your responsibility to have been the Captain is no excuse.”

    I’ve always thought that dwelling on past failings is a waste of time.

    Analyze and learn from them to be sure, but then move the hell on. Progress!

  2. Does this excuse the bad acts of a wife as she acts hypergiously?

    Excuse, no. Explain, yes.

  3. Here is a simple rule to follow. Men Do things. Women are have things done to them. Put another way, men penetrate and women are penetrated. Obviously this is a generalization but usually a good rule of thumb. Clearly there are situations where women and men reverse roles, especially in the office environment where men and women are more or less equal, but at home men should lead and women follow.

  4. I’ve known some for whom it was the larger income.

  5. 21-year-old female here….yes it’s true women want winners. Speaking of which, my boyfriend of almost 3 years now is ultra-beta. The first two times he asked me out I said no because I was not attracted to him because, well, he was kind of lazy. The third time, when we were 19, I told him I would only date him if he developed some ambition. And so he did and he’s doing fine with that now. I know I shouldn’t complain since he did what I wanted, but I can’t help but be turned off by the fact that his ambition does not exist exclusive of my wishes. Is it normal for men only to have ambition in order to please their woman? I always thought most men wanted to achieve goals for their own personal satisfaction? Or perhaps that is just what they project to the world when really their biggest concern is appeasing their wife/girlfriend? Men what do you think?

  6. I read this in a Dear Abby type of column yesterday. All I could think is that he needs YOU not a woman to explain:

    I’m 56 years old. I’ve been married for over 20 years, and we haven’t made love in more than eight years. Is our sex life over forever?

    I’ve brought this up with my wife only five or six times in the last eight years, and it’s always the same. She says we’re not connected, not communicating. If only we were connected more, she says. What does that mean? One time we took a two-hour hike together. She felt ever so slightly more connected to me that day but not enough for sex.

    The Dear Abby type gave him this advice and I almost threw up for the guy. He’s cooked.

    Devote 10 minutes each day to looking her in the eye, stroking her hand and asking questions and listening. And, yes, 10 minutes of kissing (without the pressure of sex) would be wonderful. The reason hiking together eased your connection is because it was just the two of you, outside your home, having a new experience together. Can you share more experiences like this?

  7. Hypergamy is the opposite of commitment.

    Saying that a man has to diligently fight to maintain this role as “Captain” is encouraging him to use Hypergamy to his advantage while simultaneously ignoring the fact that if his partner is always on the lookout for someone better.

    Proposing that this is hypergamy is natural and you’re a loser if you argue against it is both wrong and childish. Amazingly the females of Canada, China and Russia are not so quick to divorce as American females. Did nature skip them? No. What happened is that their culture is different from ours. Someone should delve into why the cultures are different. I would, but who wants to be a “loser”, “whining” about nature?

    The strategy advocated in this post is ego salve in the form of self-deprication. “I wasn’t the Captain thats why she did this” takes away her role and all the responsibility (read: commitment) that comes with it. Human beings are not discrete functions that respond like machines to external stimulus.

    In terms of a solution to the non-commitment-worthy hypergamous natures we men have to deal with:
    1) Find yourself a good meek, young woman. Laugh at those who say her submissiveness is weak.
    2) Have some self-compassion. You might be having an off season, you have to see the light a the end of that dark tunnel not for fear that she will leave you but for the integrity of your vision, with or without her.

    Divorce rate source: http://www.nationmaster.com/graph/peo_div_rat-people-divorce-rate

  8. Californio says:

    OUCH! Absolutely. Now divorcing and can see exactly what I did wrong. No excuse for ex’s bad behavior – adverse conditions end up showing your character, and I didn’t give up and am a better man for it. Now I am dating and younger GF is gaga over the older and wiser me.

  9. 2manypasswords says:

    A guy tolerating 8 months of a sexless marriage is one thing. But a guy who tolerates 8 years, and then whines to Dear Abby about it, halfway deserves a sexless marriage. And if he tries to apply Dear Abby’s drivel advice, then he 100% deserves a sexless marriage.

    As for the original topic, I agree with Athol, harsh as his statements may be.

    But I’m seeing more and more women who tolerate quite a few losing seasons. I have a female relative whose live-in boyfriend works occasionally & probably gets paid under the table half the time when he can be bothered to work. He has marketable skills, but that goin’ to a job 40 hours a week deal just ain’t his thing. A female colleague recently announced her husbands 4th (yes, 4th) DUI was the final straw and she’s dumping him. I guess the first 3 DUIs and the miscellaneous arrests where charges were dropped weren’t deal-breakers. I know an educated and (supposedly) intelligent woman who recently married a guy who’s spent half his adult life in the care of our state’s department of corrections…and she boo-hoos about her daughter not wanting anything to do with her.

    I know Athol’s blog is directly mostly at guys, and a few (female) trees do not make a forest, but I’m still thinking something is starting to break down on all ends…

  10. AKA it’s your fault. Rather than get mad at a woman for being a woman, step up and influence the situation.

  11. A good ROI says:

    What if you realize you no longer want to invest in your woman, to influence the situation? The resultant return on investment is no longer worth it. Because she has gained a lot of weight, second guesses your every word and action and is mostly a unhappy person to be around, because she chooses to be, she brings a good income and some cooking skills to the relationshipm but that is it. What then? Is divorce the only option? I hope not. How do you get her to change when she refuses to because “you should love me for who I am!” Yet she never granted me the same when I was failing as captain.

    This is after going through the MAP but not yet having dropped the nuke of divorce. And frankly I think she will say fine, leave because she does not want to invest the time or energy in making herself more attractive to me never mind increasing the frequency of sex.

  12. @A good ROI

    If you don’t want to divorce, you have to make sure that your value is at high levels, attractive to her and to other women. Make it so that you’re the prize of the relationship and she knows it.

    Next, you upgrade your standards and make it abundantly clear. Don’t flat out say “hey, lose some weight”, but drop little nuggets that let her know what you like. And the trick of it is to flirt with her as if she’s ALREADY somewhat that hot girl, while molding her into that hot girl. With little banter or games, , set up a situation where you are the sensei and she is the apprentice. When your value is high, women enjoy having little achievements to grab that make you happy.

    It’s a tricky balance, but you have to set the tone and make sure it’s clear that “You should love me for who I am!” is BS and that your standards are different, and love and attraction are two different things. Groom her and make sure she’s up for the challenge with a constant stream of rewards and negs. But the key in all of this is that your value has to be high.

  13. holdingallthecards says:

    “Women don’t want to win; they want a winner.”

    Well, winners are the prize, aren’t they? So of course we want the best. Of course a lazy slob who forgets appointments and can’t be bothered to get off the couch is not going to turn us wives on. (And any woman who puts on her oh-so-sexy sweatpants over her new 40 extra pounds can hardly be considered a winner herself.)

    No, I don’t want to “win” arguments; I don’t want to have them in the first place.

  14. @holdingallthecards

    I think this context is more about a leadership position than winning arguments. Rather than hold the responsibility of setting the tone and direct the course of the relationship, most women would rather leave that onus to a man who is credible. In my experience, women who “wear the pants” in a relationship are “winning”, but are also miserable.

  15. So Athol… what if you happen to be of the ilk that feels like marriage is a life-time commitment? For better or worse? I am the wife who has a low-drive man, he content to have very little sex over a 19 year marriage (essentially none for he past 8-10 years). Depressed, I managed to sabatoge myself with food, and gained a lot of weight. Last year I lost it all and hit the gym (he’s healthy and works out regularly, but not a hard-body by any means). Fortunately my blond hair, attention to my wardrobe, make up, brain, demeanor, and other social attributes make me an “older woman” who still sees men’s heads turn with appreciation (and gets the lingering hugs from contemporary male friends, both single and married). I don’t want a divorce, but I drew a line in the sand last year and told him no sex-no intimacy, means no future for our marriage once the kids were gone (in the next year),and that would make me very sad. He began to step up to the plate, we got to once-a-week basic sex (and about once-a-month orgasms for me) but still the efforts seem so meager and appeasing to me. I’ve begged for him to become more dominant in all things and especially in the bedroom (D/s?), and I’m aching to submit to dominance (without becoming a simpering, brainless chick). He’ll do the minimum so as not to have a divorce on his hands, and at 5o-something I don’t feel have much to “go to.” I love this man, I believe he loves me, he was a great dad and provider, but am strongly unsatisfied and underwhelmed. I have a higher sex drive and want more and slightly kinkier sex (not full-out BDSM, but something more than vanilla). Sorry, a long story packed into a short space. What’s the options?

    What are my options? I don’t want to throw out the baby with the bath water here as there ARE good things; divorce would not only hurt him but our college kids and complicate future family holidays, vacations and grandkids. I’m afraid any more “ultimatums” will push him over the edge and shut him back down to the platonic marriage.

  16. And why can’t I “reblog” you??

  17. @DD suggest checking his testosterone levels as a starting point.

    Join the forum http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/

    get the free forum booklet http://www.lulu.com/shop/athol-kay/mmsl-forum-booklet-free/ebook/product-20919811.html

    You can’t reblog because it’s not a Tumblr.

  18. whatever says:

    You have a sound point. Men were also created to mate with fertile women. Once women are non-fertile, the men naturally lose interest and move on to women that are still fertile.

    Thus, all men should leave their wives when their last kid hits 18. Women who complain are whining about being eaten by their pet tiger.

    That’s practical, and that’s the way it is.

  19. whatever says:

    And after you have jacked your status, why would you deliver an “ultimatum” to a woman who you can replace with someone younger, hotter, and far, far more malleable?

    After all, starting out right is so much easier than retraining. I’m really trying to think of a downside and I can’t.

    Why are you advising men to stick with non-fertile women? They would be much happier to leave them.

  20. Richard Cook says:

    If suffer finacial disaster and loose everything, if you loose your job and can’t find another of equal pay and have to take a lower paying job, if you demonstrate resilience, fortitude and determination to win but it will be a long hard road. During all of this, why would you want a wife? What can she bring? There is a reason that divorces increase during bad economic time. That for better or worse part seems to get lost.

    For better or worse is a popular wedding vow that does not reflect the actual legal agreement being made.

  21. “So for whatever reason your life falls apart and you suddenly become homeless… odds are pretty good that your wife isn’t going to be homeless with you. If she has a better deal than you she can get to be with… she’d be rational to not bed down in the cardboard box with you. It would be her being crazy to stay with you.”

    May be the worst strawman argument I’ve read on the manosphere. If this type of scenario were really the problem, men wouldn’t be stumbling on to the manosphere hurt and confused. Whatever has it right. If women aren’t to blame for jumping to a better deal, then men should feel no problem jumping on a hotter, younger, fertile woman. It’s only rational. And the women shouldn’t whine about it.

  22. Richard Cook says:

    I understand the actual agreement being made, thus the question stands about what does a wife bring to the table in the above mentioned circumstances. Nothing that I can see that is advantageous to the situation.

  23. @whatever – some men do end up leaving for younger women. Most typically after their wife fails to respond to the MAP. This isn’t anything I haven’t already said for several years now. The Primer does carry an explicit warning to women that if they give their husbands the Primer, they will likely to have to step up their game as well.

    @Jsr – Not a strawman argument when I exaggerate to make a point. And yes, it’s only natural for men to be sexually interested in fertile women. Are you new here? You’re trying to make points with things I’ve said for years now.

    @Richard Cook – she bears your children. A major roll of the dice on her part. She actually stakes a permanent drop of Sex Rank on you by doing that.

  24. Athol
    I always wonder why the women want to give the Primer to their H’s?
    Seems like you’d want to keep the knowledge to yourself……LOL

  25. @neen – because they’d rather their husband get better than dump him.

    No one wants their marriage to fail.

  26. My problem is not that this is the natural behaviour of women, but that they LIE about it.

    When I talk to my own wife, she’s told me so many times that if I was ever in an accident or lost my job that she’d stay with me “no matter what”.

    I know from her past behaviour that if I lost my job she’d stay a while then drop me (she’s done it before), and I know that if the same happened, then the result would be the same.

    I soooo want to believe her when she says “no matter what” but I just get disgusted when I hear it. Maybe they believe this lie themselves.

    Then tell her you’d stay with her even if she got fat or stopped blowing you…

  27. Richard Cook says:

    Athol:

    But by the delusional mindset that most women have of their sex rank I do not think they are even aware that they take a major hit, thus, it may not even enter their brain that this is happening. Also, if the husband is putting in long hours to right the ship, and, she see’s a better option, divorce is an attractive option due to the predisposition of courts to award children to the mother, award child support and maintenance plus cutting in half the fathers ability to see his children. Obviously this is not applicable in all circumstances, but, I’m talking the average divorce with children. Win/win for her. Well, at least in her mind.

  28. @Richard Cook – then be the sort of guy capable of having weaker men’s wives seek to jump ship to.

    I don’t know what to tell you. If you’re a man, your options are “win” or “lose”. I’m not saying it’s right, simply reporting the facts. If you don’t want to play the game with women that’s fine, no one is holding a gun to your head and demanding you have to have a sex life.

    Your competition isn’t women. It’s other men, that’s who you’re playing against. If you’re trying to outplay women, you’ve lost your frame completely. You’re playing against other men. You’re like a football player complaining about the cheerleaders.

  29. Richard Cook says:

    Oh I have a sex life. It’s pretty damn good. Heavy, consistent working out over 30 years, and, a voracious appetite for information, at 53 years old, has put me in charge and I damn well know it. My point is that the option for marriage is non existent in the rule presented. I purposely did not indicate which path I have chosen to leave my own situation out of the question. In the rule as presented marriage is a non starter. Or the choice was never really an option. I just adapted to the new reality. However, every now and then i see marriages that are composed of two people, still, after many years still so in love with each other and so supportive of the others endevours I sometimes think ‘what if….’

  30. Richard Cook says:

    And at my age, shape and intelligence, there is no competition. I am limited simply by a moral code that I will not transgress.

  31. @Richard Cook – I’m losing track of what your actual complaint is.

    Just that having a marriage and family requires effort?

  32. Richard Cook says:

    No. I do not have a complaint. The situation as it exists now is what it is. What is being described, at least to me, is that marriage is a sucker bet. What you are describing is not that marriage requires work. What you are describing in your post is not that marriage requires effort. Its that the deck is so stacked against you, that, even with work female hypergamy can blast it all apart with a miniscule amount of effort on her part. Women that have the right mindset (sunshine mary and others) are so rare in my experience that the question arises ‘is it worth it’?

  33. @DT

    At some level everything any man does is to get laid. That bad boy who pretends not to care pretends because it works. If it stopped working he’d do something else.

    The guys who *really* don’t care are gay.

  34. technovelist says:

    Richard Cook said:
    “No. I do not have a complaint. The situation as it exists now is what it is. What is being described, at least to me, is that marriage is a sucker bet. What you are describing is not that marriage requires work. What you are describing in your post is not that marriage requires effort. Its that the deck is so stacked against you, that, even with work female hypergamy can blast it all apart with a miniscule amount of effort on her part. Women that have the right mindset (sunshine mary and others) are so rare in my experience that the question arises ‘is it worth it’?”

    I think your analysis is correct. I’m happily married, but if I were single, I’m not sure I would ever remarry, for exactly the reasons you suggest.

  35. @Richard Cook – All you have to do is be a target for her hypergamous impulse. If you’re the best man she can get, the risk is minimal.

    You also assume you risk nothing by not having a family of your own.

  36. Ha ha, many moons ago when I went to a beginner dance class, the teacher said some things that have stuck with me ever since.

    He said “Here are the ground rules:”
    1) You’re called the Leader, because men lead and women follow.
    2) Women can learn the lead moves, but they can’t “lead,” if you don’t learn how to be a real leader of women (not just learn the lead moves) you’ll never get anywhere in Tango
    3) When a mistake happens it’s ALWAYS the Leader’s fault- even when the Follower makes a mistake.

  37. I understand the power of hypergamy but I wonder if the Manosphere makes too much of it. The research I’ve seen strongly points to equity being a cardinal rule in successful relationships. If both men and women go too far above their smv without compensating attributes those relationships usually fail. If you marry at your level, and admittedly this is not an easy calculation for men although it is for women (its their looks by and large), just maintain your value in all the ways Athol writes about. The divorce rate for college educated couples, which is the bulk of this blog’s readership, is between 10 % and 15 %. That’s not terrible and its also not the 50-70% figure that the ‘Sphere constantly throws around.

    I’m not married but from what I have seen from many of those close to me, most marriages have potential for longevity if the man would just get his shit together. Once a man has his shit together, MOST women will follow suit. There are transaction costs for ditching a husband and finding another one. No, there is not the check on hypergamy that existed pre-1960s. But still, the overwhelming majority of wives just don’t walk away. And there are lawyers fees which aren’t cheap. Actually, here is another stat that goes against the ‘Sphere’s worldview. Amongst college educated couples, men actually come away from divorces in better shape than women a higher percentage of the time. I’ve seen the stats cited on Walsh’s blog as well as other marriage oriented sites. “Divorce Rape” is an exaggeration like 75% of ‘Sphere propaganda.

    The Manosphere has become a bitch (and moan) fest. Some display of “masculinity”. And no, I am not absolving women for their increasingly amoral behavior (collectively speaking) since they went feral in the 70s.

  38. Lurker no. 9 says:

    Wanting even a cent from a man is gold digging.

    I didn’t ask to be born. Why should I have to provide value to anyone to be worthy of beauty and companionship? Either one loves unconditionally, even when the person is weak, worthless, and broke, or you’re a heartless social darwinist.

    You’re probably rolling your eyes at how much of a loser statement that is, but at least think on it a little.

    The only people who demand unconditional love, are the ones who don’t meet the conditions. No one is required to love you, you are required to be loveable.

  39. Lurker no. 9 says:

    And when we can say that to womens faces and not be punished in even the least way for it, I’ll not like it but accept it as fair when I am told the same.

    Whereas women are free to call themselves “high maintinence” and nobody bats an eye.

    So yeah, I’d accept the darwinist way if it were equal and fair. But if women expect to be loved just for existing, if we’re to have equality then I deserve it too.

  40. Richard is right in my book. Men are smarter not to marry little is gained from it and a lot is potentially lost. Why give up the hand and become beholden to her whims and the long arm of the welfare state.

  41. The main purpose of the blog is to help men that are already married.

  42. @Lurker no. 9

    “So yeah, I’d accept the darwinist way if it were equal and fair. But if women expect to be loved just for existing, if we’re to have equality then I deserve it too.”

    I really don’t think equality exists in relationships, because we have different motivations for getting into them. But that’s why I always say that it’s important to regard relationships as a choice. If a woman came to me with a laundry list of qualifications because she’s “high maintenance”, I would keep it short and might laugh in her face.

    You can love someone for existing, but a relationship is about fulfilling needs also. I can love a woman, but if she, for whatever reason, decided we were never going to have sex again, I wouldn’t keep myself in that situation. By that same token, if I’m a good guy, but keep getting fired from jobs every week and mismanaging our money, I can’t expect any woman to stay with me. In terms of marriage, it’s trouble whenever we stop holding up our ends of the deal to extreme levels, because we’re essentially CHOOSING to navigate life together. If that choice becomes a detriment to the life of the other, exit strategies happen.

    I’ll use myself as an example, my wife basically moved across the country with me so I can follow a dream. I won’t get into the financials, but it’s a huge risk. If she wasn’t fit for that, or if after a long period of time we were in the poor house, in terms of a life decision, I couldn’t be mad if she wanted out. It would suck, but I really couldn’t be mad.

    But this is all talking about a relationship with a woman that is worth it and doesn’t apply to playing the field. No woman is entitled to just walk up to a guy with her hand out. I have needs and she has needs, and we hold each other accountable for them.

  43. jack said:

    I’m not married but from what I have seen from many of those close to me, most marriages have potential for longevity if the man would just get his shit together. Once a man has his shit together, MOST women will follow suit. There are transaction costs for ditching a husband and finding another one. No, there is not the check on hypergamy that existed pre-1960s. But still, the overwhelming majority of wives just don’t walk away. And there are lawyers fees which aren’t cheap. Actually, here is another stat that goes against the ‘Sphere’s worldview. Amongst college educated couples, men actually come away from divorces in better shape than women a higher percentage of the time. I’ve seen the stats cited on Walsh’s blog as well as other marriage oriented sites. “Divorce Rape” is an exaggeration like 75% of ‘Sphere propaganda.

    Well, Jack, if you can get the words out of your mouth, I guess I have to take you seriously.

    No wait. I don’t.

  44. whatever,

    Be a Manosphere warrior and march to the tune of the bullshit that the ‘Sphere spreads. Become a cynical, unhappy, miserable bastard. And all because narcissistic loudmouths like Roisy, Rollo and Roosh tell you that them wimminz aint no good.

    Intellectual independence that sure aint. But you know it all so…

  45. @jack, you say we’re marching to bullshit but the whole reason we’re here in the first place is what we were trying wasn’t working, if it did we wouldn’t be here.

  46. @ Lurker no. 9
    Look what happens if I switch a few of your words around…

    ‘Wanting SUBMISSION from a WOman is ARROGANT.

    I didn’t ask to be born. Why should I have to SUBMIT EMOTIONALLY, AND PHYSICALLY AND ACCEPT AN INFERIOR ROLE to anyone to be worthy of LOVE and companionship? Either one loves unconditionally, even when the person is STRONG, INDEPENDENT, and AN EQUAL, or you’re a heartless social darwinist.’

  47. Red Pill Saluki says:

    Although I enjoy reading, and have learned much from, the “narcissistic loudmouths” of which Jack speaks, I nevertheless agree with his assessments.

    Unrelated to his comments, it bears mentioning that one can buy into Athol’s post as a descriptive commentary on what *is* and not a normative evaluation of what *should be.* I’m so old fashioned that I meant my wedding vows (’till death do us part’), and at least try to put commitment and honor above all else. But I think one can do that while also recognizing that Nature or Nature’s God (to paraphrase the Declaration of Independence) designed us in ways that make these things difficult. Indeed, the social institutions such as permanent marriage were designed to save us from our baser selves. And the reason that the decline of these same institutions has allowed us to drift to more primitive ways of life, at least in the domain of sexual relationships and family.

  48. I don’t think the concept of marriage or an LTR is dumb or a dumb thing to want. I think it’s actually a noble thing. It gets a bum rap because humans manage to screw it up so spectacularly in the execution phase.

    You can shout from the rooftops that “bitches be crazy” or that the legal system wants to peg you in the butt (hard), or that “dem beeyotches be ho’s!” Whatever it is that you want to tell yourself to explain in your head why things aren’t going right and why you’re not happy, but it’s going to get you nowhere but exactly where you currently find yourself.

    You could instead choose to look at the reality of the arena that the contest is being held in and develop an effective strategy to get what you want while minimizing (but you can never eliminate) risk to yourself. The lion’s share of that being accomplished by working on yourself and tending to you and where your head is.

    Some things to think about in the wee hours…

    Are you making upwards progress in the major areas of your life such that you are noticing that the quality of the women in your life is increasing? Why not? What’s holding you back champ? (hint: go look in the mirror – that’s the answer 95% of the time)

    If you are married, are you noticing that your wife is upping what she brings in response to your continued development? No? Why not? If you are truly being the best you that you can, do you need to have “a talk” with her. [Before you have that talk, have one with yourself while you take that look in the mirror.]

    Are you a complainer or a loser? Why do expect to have the rewards that winners have if you are? [Taps foot...]

    Are you mired in self pity after getting your ass burned in a non-triumphant relationship explosion/implosion? I was for a time. Was it helpful or useful to me? Nope, not really. Is it helpful or useful to you? Nope. So stop.

    Are you butt hurt? Is there a date and time that we can mark down on our calendars when you plan to stop being butt hurt and to start doing something productive with yourself? Let us know bro.

    Do you feel like the whole “system” is stacked against you and designed to beat you down and ensure your personal destruction and eternal loneliness and heartache? Really?

    Are you that important that the whole world crawled out from under its rock just to kick your ass into the dirt? Doubt it. Just because something is difficult to do doesn’t mean it was specifically designed to personally destroy you. The world doesn’t take you personal, you shouldn’t take the world personal.

    Are your expectations and sense of entitlement grossly inflated relative to what you offer? Be honest with yourself. It’s the only way you can assess where you suck and what you can do about it.

    It’s easier to get pissy and point the gnarled up finger of blame at other people or “the system.” “YOU did this to me, you made me miserable, you let me down,…” Blah. Blah.

    Nah. You did this to you, whatever “it” is.

    You’re never in the clear in terms of responsibility for your life. At the end of the day, you always have a large measure of responsibility for how things are going or how they turn out. True, you can’t remote control someone else, but you have a lot more control over your life, the people you let in it, how they treat you and what outcomes you achieve than you think.

    It helps to let go of the “system is a setup” or “out to get me” mentality. Even if it was personally designed to screw you over, so what? It’s still the reality you have to work within. It would just mean you would have to adapt to get what you want and reshape it.

    Or just be butt hurt. It’s easier and no one expects much of anything from you like coming out on top for a change.

    Carry on.

    ZLX1

    P.S. @ Lurker no. 9

    If it helps you think of it like this – love can be unconditional, relationships NEVER are. Not even between parent and child. You might always love your child, but if they smoke crack in your house and steal your shit, you might have to end your relationship with them. Or, if you are of a spiritual bent, God always loves you but he has some pretty straight up conditions you need to meet if you want to continue to have a relationship with him.
    P.P.S.
    (Bitches be crazy. So?)

  49. Lurker no. 9 says:

    @J Esta

    Actually I do think of that. See, I’m not an MRA. Feminists think I’m an MRA because I don’t believe that women are morally superior (due to privilege or some tarted up feminine mystique or whatever), and MRAs think I’m a feminist (because I believe that women are equal to men. But…equal rights also means equal responsibilities, and responsibility essentially gives others the power to call you out on it if you fail to live up to it).

    @ZLX1

    Just so, I’m also an ex-christian, so I don’t really believe in that stuff anymore either. I mean, I guess that’s where you get your framework for why you have to approach this the way you do, but I just want to enjoy life and have a companion who enjoys life like I do. While I don’t absolutely need a hottie, at this point if I “settle” I’m basically admitting defeat. People want to say, either implied or directly, that I’m unworthy of my dreams because I’m not ambitious or hard working or “hot,” well who are they to want satisfaction from me?

  50. @Lurker No. 9

    While I don’t absolutely need a hottie, at this point if I “settle” I’m basically admitting defeat. People want to say, either implied or directly, that I’m unworthy of my dreams because I’m not ambitious or hard working or “hot,” well who are they to want satisfaction from me?

    You go girl.

  51. Lurker no. 9 says:

    You mock, but think about it…if that’s what women are taught these days, and we’re supposed to be co-equal with women, why shouldn’t men embrace it too? :p

  52. @Lurker no 9 – you can embrace what you want, but you’re here trolling on a blog devoted to helping already married men have better marriages, better sex lives, markedly reduce chances of being cheated on and avoid the disaster of family court.

    So if you give a shit about anyone other than yourself, shut up and let me work.

  53. Actually, if you don’t want a family, then marriage is questionable; and at 53, children implies a woman twenty or more years younger. (As AThol has pointed out, not good for a long lasting marriage.) To raise a family, however, marriage is still a fair choice for men.)

  54. I love my husband & can’t imagine myself with anyone else, but if he were to leave or die I can’t see a reason for another marriage. For me marriage is to love someone exclusively. He’s that one person that you can do anything with and have the most fun with, but it is also a person committed to our children and family life.

    I can totally see someone not having the need for marriage. This will be my only one. And while I love him and our life I wouldn’t commit to another man. I guess that would be my own version of Women Going Their Own Way. :)

  55. @ Lurker no. 9

    Yep. I am a Christian, but I’m a really shitty one. It’s cool though. I’m loved.

    Now that that’s out of the way…addressing some thoughts in general

    @ The world

    A recurring theme from guys seems to be consternation around the area of “Aren’t women accountable too?” Sure they are, but never like you are. Don’t sweat it. Keep a sense of humor about it or develop a sense of humor about it. They live in a world that has different expectations in this regard.

    “A-ha!” WTF? ZLX1 ?!?” you say. “That’s exactly what I’m talking about!” “That’s what gets my goat and pisses me off!” “It’s bullshit!” “They said they wanted equal damn it, but then they…”

    Oh yeah? So, you listened to what they said they wanted (n00bz) and you ran with it huh? Made it a core tenet of your belief system thinking that if you went along with it you’d get more ‘tang. It’s okay. You can admit it. lolz. Stick a quarter in your butt though cuz you played yourself on this one.

    So why does this difference in accountability piss guys off? What? Because it’s not fair? It does not appeal to the sense of justice as a man or because guys are not allowed by the world to live like that? Does it piss people off that the sky is blue? Shouldn’t.

    If you feel compelled to go out and change the world and set all this stuff to rights. Go ahead. Here is a ball peen hammer, the Himalayas are over yonder. I’m going to have this drink and talk to these chicks while you bang away at the rocks. Whew! That looks like thirsty work my friend. You sure you don’t want to come over here and hang out with us on the patio?

    To my way of thinking that little bit of childishness that women have should actually be a source of fun for you versus seeing it as something to rail against or gnash teeth at. It’s one of the things that makes chicks fun to play with. (besides titz!) You can see it as a source of irritation if you let it, or you can just view it with a sense of amusement.

    Now, a question along this track: would you really want to date a chick that was as serious and grim as you sometimes have to be in order to make your way in the world? I wouldn’t want to. She would seem, how can I say? Masculine. Yes! She would seem masculine.

    A dude with a vag and boobs. A man trapped in a woman’s body. Yucky. I ain’t dating that. All the freaks out there that want women to act like men with boobs can keep those ones. Their chick boobs can match your man-boobs! You can swap bras brah. The lolZ!!! (i rulez!)

    On settling…

    No, I don’t think anyone should settle for anything that they’re not satisfied with.

    That said, if someone tells me that it’s not possible to make things better in regards to the women in their life or it’s not possible to find one that they can be happy with for whatever duration because of women’s basic biological construction, their innate behavioral predispositions, or gosh darn you were born fifty years too late, I don’t believe a word of it.

    If they say that all women suck and they are ALL be ho’s, (they do be crazy), are hardcore femi-nazis, voracious sluts, are structurally unsuited to be with men (lolz), etc. then I’m throwing the B.S. penalty flag out on the field.

    Am I saying NAWALT? Yup. NAWALT, in this case. Are a lot of women like that, or to a degree? They sure are. But it is also just as true that NAWALT. To think otherwise is a cognitive distortion.

    It’s a comfortable ego shield that explains why things aren’t going the way one would like. “Not my fault man. What can I do? All women are like this or that.”, “It’s a feminist conspiracy started in 1923 and aided by guv agencies to rob men of their resources and enslave us all as tax serfs to the Illuminati!” Okey-dokey dude.

    “All women are cheating whores.” “All women are gold diggers!” “All women are carousel riders looking for beta suckers!” “Women just can’t appreciate a super great guy like me that’s why I get LJBF’ed all the time!” Sure, whatever. “All men do cocaine and beat their wives.” [R.I.P. Rick James!]

    All just pure fantasy statements to assuage the ego and every time you spurt one of them out of your purdy mouth your internal hurt and your underlying dissatisfaction with the results you’ve achieved for yourself are shining through. Hold on, I got to quote Bible at you or I can’t claim to be a Christian: “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” Boom! There it is. Case closed!

    So, whether anyone chooses to believe it or not, there are fine women out there. (and a bunch of crazy ho’s too but…) Saying “all women are like this or that: insert – negative behavior or attribute” is just as r-tarded as chicks fussing about “there are no good men left.”

    Does that mean they are easy to find? No it does not, never has been, but they do exist and they are not quite as scarce as Unicorns yet. OMG. I got another Bible quote for ya: “A wife of noble character who can find? She is worth far more than rubies.” See, playahs! They were having the same complaint way back in the day. There is nothing new under the sun. Oh snap! Did I do it again? Lemme check…why yes I did! Ecclesiastes!

    Where was I? Oh yeah.

    So these good women, are they still human women with a woman’s faults, cultural influences and basic wiring? Yup. (they also have titz! Big Ups!!). Are they ever going to act like men, think like men, etc.? I hope not. You, me or anyone else going to change that basic fact anytime soon? Nope. (I especially hope no one gets rid of titz – just saying)

    So I don’t see the need for anyone to continue to be suffering from extreme levels of butt hurt about women being women anymore than women should be getting vag-hurt about men doing the things men do. Price of admission. Pay it or walk.

    Honestly, when dudes go off on a tirade about “those f’ing whore carousel riders!!!! GIGIGIGI….Agghghghg” Man, it sounds just as bad and frankly girly as those ho’s over at Jizzebel or whatever bitching about dudes and being jealous of your heavy sack or whatever it is they do over there when they are not nattering on about their diesel powered vibrators or something.

    To point the stink-finger at myself, (or examine the plank in my own eye – wink, wink), if I look at some of my previous comments from way back when I first got divorced and all that mess, I want to punch myself in the nutz for being such a little self-pitying bitch about some things. lolZ-yech. Maybe one day you (whoever you are reading this) will get past that stage too. The sooner the better.

    “Damn ZLX1!” , “You sound like a mangina or that you (say it ain’t so) actually like wimmenz?!?!” Lolz. Yeah, I like women, a lot. No, I don’t tolerate destructive crap from women in my personal zone of control or tolerate women who act like crap in my direction. I enjoy them or I extirpate particular nasty ones out of my locus. It really is just that easy.

    Anyway…

    A ‘Big Question’ that every man who is not satisfied in this area should ask himself is: Can you deliver?

    I’ll ask it again. Can y-o-u deliver?

    You’re never going to appeal to every woman on Earth like I do, but are you at least in the ballpark versus who you wish to have sharing your bed? Think about it. Not as an accusation, but a question for self reflection. If the answer is an honest yes, then go you! If the answer is an honest no, then get yourself up to snuff or choose to settle as it were, for what you can get at the moment based on what you currently bring.

    [If you are married, are you deliver-i-n-g to the best of your ability? If not, why not? Why you trying to F yo-self up for? You hate yourself or something?]

    “Yeah but what chicks want is unrealistic..etc.etc.” Yeah well, I don’t know about all that. Maybe so, but that doesn’t stop them from wanting it anymore than it stops you from wanting a chick that is a perfect 10, has a sexy European accent, field strips a Glock in 3 seconds, does the Brazilian wax, can make awesome cookies and is your own personal 100% super-duper loyal foh-evah, love you no matter what – even with that weird zit on your back, freaky-deaky bed companion who plays WoW with you all night when she’s not busy blowing you or making you food. Oh and is also good mom material, a virgin when you met her, and will never put on any weight, ever! Lolz.

    I don’t think anyone is unworthy of their dreams or foolish for dreaming them. I’m not the one you have to satisfy. That would be you.

    Bonus Questions: “Is what I want within the realm of human possibility or is my ‘perfect’ partner an idealized construct of my mind that no person could ever measure up to?” In other words, “Self, am I f’ing crazy?”, “Am I chasing after some fantasy montage of characteristics that I saw in a movie, on a TV After School Special or read in a book?”, “Self, am I starting to believe my own bullshit about what I ‘deserve’?”

    Extra Special Bonus Questions: “If I get this ‘perfect’ partner, what then?” “Will I be living in Nirvana?” “Is that the point of my existence, to achieve this ‘perfect’ partner acquisition or to appeal to chicks?”, Whoah, “You serious?”, “Now what…?” What now indeed…

    pimp-slappity-slap!

  56. Oh snap! Ya’ll got schooled, lol.

  57. enlightened1 says:

    So, now I’m in love with ZLX1! So great to witness the evolving maturity complete with brash sense of humor intact and no more self pity!! All men take note…..definite tingles!! ;)

  58. Bought the book. Had been meaning to for a while. Thanks for the push.

  59. Audrey says:

    My husband and i have been together more than half my life. I’ve never cheated on him. Never even been tempted. Why would i be? He’s still the man I fell in love with and married and if I had my way he’d be holding my hand when I take my last breath.

    I’m not a child who thinks the grass is greener on the other side. We’ve made a great life together and have three healthy, well adjusted kids. I’m thinking I won the life lottery here – I have no desire to roll the dice again.

    We’ve both lost jobs and supported the family alone when we needed to. We’re a partnership and a team, for better or for worse. He had more hair and better muscle tone at 28 than he does at 51. My ass and breasts were perkier, my hair longer and my belly flatter. I try to take care of myself (as does he) but we both get that aging is normal. He certainly doesn’t have to be 28 again to earn my love and commitment, or for me to want him sexually.

    What kind of women are some of you with?!

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