Wife Hunting 201: Loyal, Smart and Nice

One of my most loved and hated posts is the 10 Critical Things In How To Choose A Wife. It’s surreal to think that I wrote it all the way back in March 2010.

I’ve read it over again and there’s still nothing I really have any disagreement with. The post is right. But three years later I think I have some slightly different answers, that are also right, but a slightly different emphasis.

What you look for is loyal, smart and nice.

Loyal, because you aren’t perfect and it’s going to be her loyalty that covers your imperfections. It’s easier to own a mistake and make corrections, when every slip up doesn’t get held against you.

Loyal, because she is not perfect either and her loyalty credits her with a lack of wrong intent. It is easier to forgive when you think they aren’t out to get you.

Smart, because you aren’t perfect and sometimes it’s her input that stops you doing something stupid.

Smart, because you’re going to have to listen to her forever, so she needs to not be an airhead.

Smart, because smart people have learning curves. Marriage is a long time, you’re going to have to learn all sorts of new stuff together.

Nice, because nice doesn’t seem to be something that can be taught. If she is not nice now, she will not become nice later on.

Nice, because… well because it’s nice to be with someone nice.

The combination of loyal and smart, will head a woman into the gym with a positive discipline as long as you’re going as well. She’ll keep her looks and age well.

The combination of loyal and nice, will make her more easily sexually agreeable. Loyal women can start to see you as their personal kink, and nice means she’ll like to please.

The combination of smart and nice, means she’ll be able to do the arguing equivalent of “playing the ball and not the man.”

The combination of loyal, smart and nice, means she’ll also be a good mom for the kids.

I realize that leaves out stuff like “fabulous tits” and “likes anal”. My hunch is that you’re probably already screening for that sort of thing anyway and your penis has given you an informed perspective on such matters regarding your potential bride.

As an all purpose caveat to women… men tend to think of loyalty as a binary decision. I.e. you are either 100% Loyal or your are 0% Loyal. I’m not saying it’s right, or fair, or realistic that they think like that, I’m just saying that’s often how they do. So it can only take a single bad incident to switch their perception of you from 100% Loyal to 0% Loyal. If he sees you as 0% Loyal, he can’t love you.

Even when he’s having concerns about your loyalty, he’s not going to see you as being 50% or “mostly loyal”. He’s going to cycle between feeling you are 100% or 0% Loyal. Which is exhausting for him and makes him flip out and start “suddenly acting all paranoid for no reason”. He loves you, he loves you not, he loves you, he loves you not.

And by 0% Loyal… I mean he experiences a such sense of stomach churning dread he wants to throw up.

I know of several couples where the husband is having long term difficulties with his wife, but based on her loyalty in the midst of difficulty, have passed up easy divorce options and free pussy from outside the marriage…even if they think their life would be easier and potentially better for splitting. Loyalty matters like nothing else.

What Are Your Best Books And Resources?

Time to expand my reading a little. What are your favorite books and/or resources over these six broad categories?

(1)  Physical Fitness, Food and Health.

(2) Money and Material Possessions.

(3)  Alpha Goodness and Attraction.

(4)  Beta Goodness and Comfort Building.

(5)  Personality and Peak Performance / Success.

(6)  Sex Life and Bedroom Fun.

Fun Money

I’ve been touching on how important money is in recent posts….

When people imagine life changing amounts of money, they always imagine millions of dollars, but consider what just a extra $2000 can do for a relationship if you’re the husband.

You could pay for a gym membership, have several moderate nights out, buy a couple nice shirts and even have enough for a weekend getaway. All of which could thaw your relationship with your wife even further as you get the rest of your life back under control. Then because your wife is back into you again, when the douchebag at her work makes a move on her… she tells him to get lost.

When douchebag makes his move, what happens if you don’t have that extra $2000 worth of positive appearance and shared and fun together? Fun money is important. No one wants to be in a relationship where you never have any fun.

You don’t have to make a million dollars. You do have to make enough to have some fun though.

You Can’t Fix Your Marriage by Being Mad at the Opposite Sex

Backstory: College friend, nice girl, feminist chip on her shoulder.

I was somewhat interested in her and we were friendly, but we never dated because in a three second burst of anger she killed my interest completely. She came from a quite conservative religious group where women were banned from leadership… and she yelled at me, something about men in general, related to the specifics of her church.

The irony was that when she included in me the “evil men” group deserving of being yelled at, I actually agreed with her on the specifics of her complaint. So she took a current soft ally for her issue, demonized me and achieved nothing for her outburst other than the loss of my interest in her. As in even back in college days, I wasn’t going to submit myself to a relationship where I got randomly yelled at, for shit totally unrelated to anything I had done in specific.

Not that we were dating or anything, but ultimately her anger at a Societal issue, damaged her Personal relationships. I don’t recall her dating anyone in college.


That division of Personal and Societal problems is important. Most people come to MMSL with the Personal issue of their marriage sucking somehow. So that’s what I try and fix.

However there are wider Societal issues creating external pressures on your marriage – such as the economy, socialization of men and women, gender issues and marriage law. Seriously, I get it, there really are all sorts of problems making it hard to be married and otherwise a functional, productive happy adult.

Societal problems are worth dealing with, but the difficulties of resolving Societal problems are well beyond any one person. So if you are having an Personal problem in your marriage, trying to fix the Societal pressures on your marriage will not provide a solution. Even as you make some tiny sliver of progress on the Societal issues, your Personal issues will continue to worsen. We might get some social change over the next 20-30 years, but your marriage may not make it that long.

In addition, the frustration of trying to fix Societal problems can generate a lot of negative emotion. When you become an angry frustrated person, you become less fun to be with, which worsens your marriage decline further. If you then also begin transferring the frustration of the Societal problems directly onto your spouse, you become toxic to live with. So if your relationship is in trouble, now is not the time to enmesh yourself in wider gender politics unless you simply want the relationship to accelerate toward the ground.

It’s completely normal to see something unjust and be angry about it. It’s also normal to want to change it for the better. It’s also normal to feel defensive if there’s a chance that the same unjust thing might happen to you. However your emotional state is an important factor in your marriage.

You can’t let yourself become a darkly brooding cynic about the opposite sex, without that beginning to eat away your relationship from the inside.