Wife Hunting 201: Loyal, Smart and Nice

One of my most loved and hated posts is the 10 Critical Things In How To Choose A Wife. It’s surreal to think that I wrote it all the way back in March 2010.

I’ve read it over again and there’s still nothing I really have any disagreement with. The post is right. But three years later I think I have some slightly different answers, that are also right, but a slightly different emphasis.

What you look for is loyal, smart and nice.

Loyal, because you aren’t perfect and it’s going to be her loyalty that covers your imperfections. It’s easier to own a mistake and make corrections, when every slip up doesn’t get held against you.

Loyal, because she is not perfect either and her loyalty credits her with a lack of wrong intent. It is easier to forgive when you think they aren’t out to get you.

Smart, because you aren’t perfect and sometimes it’s her input that stops you doing something stupid.

Smart, because you’re going to have to listen to her forever, so she needs to not be an airhead.

Smart, because smart people have learning curves. Marriage is a long time, you’re going to have to learn all sorts of new stuff together.

Nice, because nice doesn’t seem to be something that can be taught. If she is not nice now, she will not become nice later on.

Nice, because… well because it’s nice to be with someone nice.

The combination of loyal and smart, will head a woman into the gym with a positive discipline as long as you’re going as well. She’ll keep her looks and age well.

The combination of loyal and nice, will make her more easily sexually agreeable. Loyal women can start to see you as their personal kink, and nice means she’ll like to please.

The combination of smart and nice, means she’ll be able to do the arguing equivalent of “playing the ball and not the man.”

The combination of loyal, smart and nice, means she’ll also be a good mom for the kids.

I realize that leaves out stuff like “fabulous tits” and “likes anal”. My hunch is that you’re probably already screening for that sort of thing anyway and your penis has given you an informed perspective on such matters regarding your potential bride.

As an all purpose caveat to women… men tend to think of loyalty as a binary decision. I.e. you are either 100% Loyal or your are 0% Loyal. I’m not saying it’s right, or fair, or realistic that they think like that, I’m just saying that’s often how they do. So it can only take a single bad incident to switch their perception of you from 100% Loyal to 0% Loyal. If he sees you as 0% Loyal, he can’t love you.

Even when he’s having concerns about your loyalty, he’s not going to see you as being 50% or “mostly loyal”. He’s going to cycle between feeling you are 100% or 0% Loyal. Which is exhausting for him and makes him flip out and start “suddenly acting all paranoid for no reason”. He loves you, he loves you not, he loves you, he loves you not.

And by 0% Loyal… I mean he experiences a such sense of stomach churning dread he wants to throw up.

I know of several couples where the husband is having long term difficulties with his wife, but based on her loyalty in the midst of difficulty, have passed up easy divorce options and free pussy from outside the marriage…even if they think their life would be easier and potentially better for splitting. Loyalty matters like nothing else.


  1. Purple says

    I like this post more than the other one, Athol. Although I actually agreed with the other one as well, but this one is just… better. :)

  2. Tampa says

    You’d be pretty surprised how hard it is to find an attractive..”smart, loyal and nice.” It’s almost like it doesn’t exist anymore. Maybe because the good looking ones don’t have to be…..

    In fact, a few months ago, i dumped probably the best looking girl I have ever dated. She smoking hot…but just a total bitch. Not giving. Not nice…..

    I think there are real characteristics of women that are loyal, smart and nice. I think they generally cook for their mate. I think they are generally submissive in nature when it comes to sex. I think they usually are in fields that revolve around people…ie…teaching, nurses etc. But one thing to consider, the smart, loyal and nice girls want alpha. They don’t want muscles alpha, they want a man who leads and a man who can provide. I guess that’s only fair. They deserve it.

  3. BC says

    You’d be pretty surprised how hard it is to find an attractive..”smart, loyal and nice.”

    The rule of thumb is: “Brains, beauty, sanity. Pick two.”

    Regarding loyalty, in what was once the ultimate bastion of men – the military – the most unforgivable crime was betrayal. Murderers got arrested and given trial, but traitors could be and were shot upon discovery, especially those committing treason for personal gain. The 100% vs. 0% is like the old mafia (another bastion of men) saying, “False in one, false in all.” It’s like being pregnant – you either are or you aren’t, and extenuating circumstances don’t matter. Going back to the military analogy, discipline (loyalty) under ideal conditions is meaningless; it must hold up in the face of fire (temptation) or be considered worthless.

  4. blue says

    Ive got a smart, loyal, nice wife. But she’s so boring a lot of the time. I suffer from the grass is always greener a fair bit I guess. Gotta remind myself (reading posts like this) that she is a keeper.

  5. ZLX1 says

    “If he sees you as 0% Loyal, he can’t love you.”

    I think this is why when she cheats, emotional or boning, it’s pretty much over for the guy in his mind. At least to my way of thinking. Even if he’s playing the “wait until the kids are 18″ strategy, it’s over, just on the extended plan. I don’t personally see how a guy can come back from that situation. Maybe some can, I couldn’t, but I think the ‘stats’ bear this out when looking at divorce percentages when the chick cheats. There are so many elements that on a gut level are repulsive to a man. I think the default advice to a guy should be to walk or make her walk and get on with recovering his life as soon as possible and not waste anymore years or tears on a disloyal woman.

    To Wit!

    I tried to stick it out with my ex. Yup she cheated. I tried the ever popular keep it together for the kids option. Meh. After a couple years of trying, I just couldn’t do it anymore. It was making me a total basket case. When I kicked her out I felt such a huge relief like I no longer had to worry if she was plotting against me, didn’t have to sort out fact from fiction (didn’t help that she was constantly revising the truth), just a big relief. “Take your bag of nasty on down the road toots, me and the kids will be a-okay.”

    I still care about what happens to her on a macro level. I’m not going to let her wind up in a homeless shelter because she is still the kids” mom, but I don’t love her. I can’t.

    After making it through all that mess, my tolerance level for foolishness in this regard from women is less than 0. If a chick doesn’t want to be with me, that’s cool, just split. If she’s going to rob me blind behind my back, and try to outwit and plot against me, I’m going to get mightily pissed. It would take only one incident or doubt in my mind to instantaneously demote a woman to ho-bag status. Yeah, I realize I am hyper-attuned to this because of past experiences. I don’t know if that’s good or bad. Probably somewhere in between as most things in life.

    I think there are only a few things more destructive to a man than a disloyal woman.

    Anyway, good post and good things for all to consider. Especially the older crowd doing it again or just heading out there. Finding a twenty year old virgin might not be in the cards for those over 40. (Just wait – the mega-PUAs will be along to tell me I’m wrong – lolz.) Finding loyal, smart and nice is a good start. Plus MOAR TITZ!

  6. Tanooki says

    100% agree with @ZLX1. Really is a shame because I also though I had a wife with all 3 traits until her EA. She’s still smart and nice, and I trust her with the kids. But I now know that her loyalty cannot be trusted.

    A woman who is smart has her emotions under control.
    A woman who is sweet has her femininity under control.
    A woman who is loyal has her hypergamy under control.

  7. Snoopy says

    The truth is you’ve made very inaccurate assumptions of what a smart woman does and does not do & what the combination of a smart and nice woman will produce. And the poster above me continues further down the  tunnel of labels, assumptions & faulty predictions/associations.     

    In this case a man acting as the source of knowledge about women and passing it on to other men leads all of you astray.  

  8. codeazure says

    Nicely put Tanooki!

    I agree with the post. I’m married to a woman who meets all 3 criteria & it is pretty much Heaven every day. As another poster mentioned, once you’ve had a few bad relationships, being with someone like this is fantastic. It just makes life easy, not like pushing a boulder uphill every day…

    Having a partner in the true sense makes me better and more capable at everything I do.

  9. ZLX1 says

    Snoopy, elaborate on your point. Tell us what a smart woman does and does not do.

  10. LilBabyPara says

    I don’t WANT to be nice. I’m not nice at all. I despair of being this ideal woman. I’m angry because I married, and he ripped off his mask- surprise!! I’m smart and always loyal. When you have intelligence, though, loyalty is going to have limits when she gets treated badly for no other reason than that the man is grossly immature.

    Yes, we need husband hunting game too.

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