Does The End Justify The Means?

I’m often criticized by Christians as being either “too quick” to suggest divorce, or even “pro-divorce”.  Usually it’s not a complete slamming of me/MMSL, more of an element that makes it’s way into my final grade so to speak. MMSL is amazing and wonderful and deserves an A, but the whole willingness to divorce thing drops me to a B.

I get it. I totally understand that point of view. If you have a Christian world view, that makes sense to me that you think that way. The trouble is though, sometimes a completely genuine divorce threat works like nothing else does to unstick a stagnant marriage.

So the difficulty is that it can work, but is wrong to use. Awkward.

So let’s get real about this shall we.

There’s not too much question in my mind that a genuine divorce threat is a non-sanctioned Christian tool. I agree that you’re coming over to the dark side to try this tactic. That being said, I *very* rarely jump to an instant divorce suggestion and those cases where I do are truly horrible. The entire Phases of the MAP is designed to actually slow down the rush to judgment and get everything as good as they can be, before ever getting to a true divorce ultimatum. It’s a true last resort. Even then, it’s a true ultimatum – a choice – with a positive option for the other spouse to choose. All they have to do is act right.

It’s not simply a random nuke tossed out. It’s something that offers a clear and positive resolution if your spouse is willing to take it. So honestly I get a little ticked at being framed as “pro-divorce” or slap happy on recommending it.

So does the end justify the means?

Yes. Yes it does. If that means you’re in a happy marriage as a result, absolutely it does.

It all just needs to be controlled, managed and staged as best it can for minimal risk and maximum possible gain. If it all works out for the best, I think you’ll be able to live with it. But I do get that it’s stressful and stomach churning to think about.

You know what the REAL risk is though? One day something in your marriage is just going to get so bad, you’re going to snap anyway.

I’d rather see you get help before that happens. If you’ve tried everything else and it hasn’t worked, come see me.

More Reviews…

Sis at Passionate Christian Marriage

Athol Kay is not a Christian and this is not a Christian marriage book, but I think it should be recommended reading for every Christian marriage out there.

What I loved about Mindful Attraction Plan by Athol Kay
-All the amazing advice on how to lose weight, be happier, be more positive, be more productive, and get your life under control.
-He is funny and charming, it is a joy to read.
-His strong, no-nonsense approach to marriage….only a man could come with this and it is desperately needed today.  Strong leadership, he is going to make a great life coach.
-I love how when someone comes to him with a problem about their spouse, he says “you can’t change your spouse, but you can change yourself”
-I like how he shows you that your happiness and success in life is not dependent upon your spouse.

Average Married Dad

As a huge fan of Eckhart Tolle’s The Power of Now about being and living in the present, I think The Mindful Attraction Plan has a lot to offer for self-improvement and about seeing the dynamics between people in a new light.  I can say that there are still stagnant things in my own life that I need to work on, and this book has me already addressing them in a way that is positive and doesn’t beat up too bad the reader’s past choices.  It’s a very positive mindset book, and while it’s a little soft for my tastes, still has a lot to offer and is a good introduction to self-improvement, marriage improvement and sex improvement (in a roundabout way) without scarring the uninitiated.  I would say it’s a good companion to The Primer, but of the two, The Primer is more of a slap in the face from a Bull which I think is needed for many men having a hard time figuring out why their marriage isn’t what they want.  The MAP is a soft approach into the same areas and is a great intro to men and women who are looking to simply improve themselves and as a result, their marriage and sex life.

Athol: Thanks!

As an aside… one of the things I’ve noticed with people who wanted/expected a harder edged book… they also usually mentioned they had started to make changes because of the book. Don’t listen to what they say… watch what they do?   ;-)

 

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MMSL is the Manosphere Root Beer Part Two

Comment on Why Relationship Momentum Matters. As you read, watch everything play out exactly as you would expect… assuming the genders were reversed.

Audrey:  I recently ‘guarded’ my husband from a friend in the midst of going through a divorce. I’ve known her for years because our kids are friends. My husband casually mentioned that he was sending her some research on an item she was buying. I asked why, and he said that she’d emailed to ask him for help making a selection.

Pardon me? She approached HIM and not ME? Me, I’d have nicely told her to research it herself (lots of online info, library has Consumers Report, etc.). My life is busy enough. I don’t do homework for those who should be able to help themselves. I had to point out to him that she was playing the damsel in distress and that he was buying it. He was completely taken aback and pointed out that he was just trying to help as he would anyone. I told him that I knew there was nothing wrong with what HE did, but would he mind her estranged hubby calling me up and asking me to come over and help him with something I’m better at, such as picking paint colours or furniture for his new digs? He paused. And then the lights went on and he saw what I was seeing.

I asked if he thought this woman with a master’s degree was really incapable of reviewing ratings on her own, or did he think it served her purposes better to play the victim and have other men do things for her. After all, other women’s husbands are safe since they can’t even expect a ‘perk’ for doing it. She just touches their arms, flatters them by saying how good they are at these things and how much she appreciates the help. You know, the stuff that many wives forget to do since busy spouses tend to take each other for granted over the years.

He went from thinking I was nuts to being irked about potentially being played. I think it’s safe to assume that she won’t be getting any more help from MY man. Besides, Miss I’m So Lost Since Hubby Left has three strapping sons at home, all well over six feet. If she really needs a man to do things, she needs to tap one of the walking appetites that lives with her.

What amused me the most was how THRILLED my husband was to have me ‘guard’ him. Seriously, he was all puffed up about it. I earned big points there and I wasn’t even trying to. LOL

Athol:  Audrey’s completely correct response reads exactly like we teach a husband to do when someone starts honing in on their wife. There needs to be a word for female cockblocking.

Anyway…

I realize probably a minority of my readers and certainly a decent number of other manosphere types think I’ve lost my mind and/or sold out with the new book. Sure it’s a softer approach, but the truth is I see the exact same issues playing out over and over in both sexes. 90% of the wives on the MMSL forum are the female version of Betaized Nice Guys. Too patient, too submissive, too frightened to stand up for themselves, no inner game, endlessly orbiting and sexually frustrated.

The overwhelming majority of my advice applies just as well to women as it does to men.

Get to the gym, get in shape. Dress well. Don’t allow yourself to be mistreated or taken advantage of. Be kind and affectionate, but only if you’re being treated with basic respect. Get good at something. Ask for the sex you what. Be loyal, but also be prepared to walk if the relationship is a disaster. Play up your sexuality and gender. Instigate, isolate, escalate.

I won’t lie and say the extra money isn’t nice and that the book isn’t more commercial. Of course I wanted to make money and sell more books. Duh.

But we gotta make Red Pill women, or it’s going to get very lonely for all the Red Pill men the manosphere is making.

This isn’t anything new. I wrote Why MMSL Is The Manosphere’s Root Beer nearly two years ago. I’m playing a long game here.

When a Blue Pill Nice Guy with a serious relationship problem comes stumbling into the Manosphere looking for answers, he comes with a pro-female mindset. After coming across variants of “All women are devious whores!” a few dozen times – something possible in the comments of a single post on some blogs – he can easily become repulsed and move on in his search for truth. Then we call him a Mangina for good measure. We do this because insults make other people listen better and consider our viewpoint.

Likewise, sympathetic women reading the same venom quickly become unsympathetic women. At some point we’re going to want some things to go to a vote and there are more women than men that can vote. Therefore we need the support of women to at least some degree.

So I see my role in the Manosphere as a diplomatic outpost. Some people start here and then explore the rest of the Manosphere. Some people start elsewhere in the Manosphere and get directed here after being jilted by what they first discover. Me being happily married, having a great sex life and generally being a quirky Vulcan makes MMSL taste like… root beer.

So watch the video, it’s a classic.

If other bloggers want review copies, let me know where to send them.

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Why Relationship Momentum Matters

Okay…. lets assume your relationship is basically good, but you’ve made a misstep with a mate guarding fail. You know it, she knows it. You know she knows it and she knows, you know it. And… well… let’s just say it’s obvious.

And no sex happened, clothes all stayed on, it’s just one of the those things where “nothing happened”, but your stomach feels like you swallowed four lemons and a giant bag of Pop Rocks. That’s your sign that mate guarding should have happened.

So nothing happened, but you still have to address it somehow though. You can’t simply let it just slide.

Here’s the big picture concern.

Right now your relationship is GOOD. Let’s say that you’re at the 90 mark out of 100. A really good relationship.

But relationships also have momentum. What’s happening now is that a small negative event has happened. You failed to mate guard, some dude got isolated face time with her, or you stood around doing nothing while he hit on her in front of you.

As a result your relationship dropped from a 90 to 87. Which is still a GOOD relationship. But the momentum has started DOWN.

If this situation keeps going on unchecked, you’re going to get a slow but stead string of small negative events, -1, -2, -1, -2, -1, -3…. yada yada yada. There’s another isolation event with Mr. Studly, there’s a mildly naughty text, there’s playful looking over, come out to the club…. yada yada yada.

Then one day a few months down the line, your relationship is DOWN to a 47 and Mr.Studly has worked himself UP to a 54. Then things start getting really awkward.

Would your wife cheat on you today? NO. No way in hell. Because your relationship is GOOD. But left unchecked, your relationship will continue it’s downward momentum.

So it sounds like I’m over reacting here, but I take downward relationship momentum *very* seriously. In fact I’d almost be more comfortable learning your relationship was at 20 and heading up to 25, rather than 90 dropping to 87. The relationship momentum will tend to hold in both cases.

If it all gets nipped in the bud *now*, you’ll save each other an amazing degree of pain and grief.

So even in a GOOD relationship, with a GOOD wife, you still have to pay attention and be willing to step in and say something when a line is crossed. Either to her, or him, or both. That’s how your relationship stays GOOD.

And of course the same applies the other way around…

MAP Review at Adventures in Red Pill Wifery

Okay, I really have to write a proper post, but while I get cracking on that…

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Via Adventures in Red Pill Wifery…

“If you’ve read the MMSL Primer, don’t worry, this one is still worth reading… There’s some crossover material, but it’s a lot of new stuff, with a revamping of the MAP process. Consider this the laser beam approach, whereas the Primer was more of a shotgun full of buckshot in the variety of topics. Both are required reading, in my opinion.

The Mindful Attraction Plan is a freaking great blueprint for how to make yourself successful and happy, not just in your marriage, but in your whole life. The language is quite a bit toned down from the Primer, but the info is still red pill. It reaches a broader audience by including us ladies in the conversation, since most of the advice holds true for women as well…. Work on yourself, cut out the negativity, take control of your life.

And bonus, if you have a friend or family member that REALLY needs the marriage advice, you can give it to then without feeling awkward about the word “sex” being in the title, lol. I plan on giving it out as Christmas presents to everyone I can think of.”

I Got To Show My Daughters I Was #1 in Three Categories

I hate to be chattering about the new book endlessly, but I’m about falling off my chair here.

I came up with an idea to target a couple of very popular books, as in endlessly popular books and try and piggyback off them. The books had to be close to The Mindful Attraction Plan, but also a solid variance on them. “Just the same, but completely different”. I wanted it to be the sort of thing that shows up in recommendation lists on Amazon. You’ve read this, maybe you’ll like that.

I targeted The Secret and The Four Agreements. The Secret because The MAP kinda starts off like The Secret, but by the end of it you’re nowhere near the same place The Secret ends up. I targeted The Four Agreements because I really wanted to hit the “Self-Help – Personal Growth – Happiness” category and The Four Agreements has owned that for years. Anyway, deliberate keyword choices to get into the same categories as those two books. My goal was simply to get near those two books…

Slider Beating the Four Agreements

Buy on Amazon!

Slider Beating the Secret

Buy on Amazon!

SHUT. UP.

Look maybe this is just one shining hour of sales. Really I get it. But you know, this is utterly amazing to me. I just wanted to get near those two books.

So thank you all who have given me that moment. I’m so excited. This has been a hard road to here some days and a double fist pump trophy hoisting moment is special because I finally got to show my children.

The girls know I write and basically that I write about sex and marriage, but we keep it pretty walled off from them. They’re also teenagers and while all teenagers want to know that their parents love each other and have a stable relationship, they don’t want to know about the fine details of their sex life. So there’s been a fair degree of “respectful distancing” of the topic. Dad writes and helps people with their relationships, that’s what dad does.

So after four years of forum work, blogging, writing books and everything else that entails, I got to call them over and point out my book on Amazon, sitting at the #1 spot in three categories. The third one is “Energy Healing” and I have no idea why I’m in there. It’s like winning an Oscar for sound editing or something. But my daughters got to see it. Dad is less weird now. It’s hard to argue with #1 in three categories. They’re proud of me. Then they both asked if we could replace the dryer.

Anyway…

Last I checked I was #1265 of all books on Kindle, so pretty amazing really. The highest the Primer ever got was about #3500. So right now the book is floating pretty high in the rankings on Amazon. Please, please, please review it right now if you’ve purchased it. It really makes a huge difference to my sales numbers.

The book is here on Amazon.

Jennifer:  The girls really were impressed…weird to see Dad on Amazon like that.  And yes, we need to replace the broken dryer before New England wintery goodness sets in.

More positive has come out of my life because of Athol’s writing than anything else I’ve read. The way he sets up his plan is simple to follow and the results I’ve had were beyond the positive results I expected. If you are ready to get your act together and don’t know where to start, this lays it all out. The funny thing is the further along you are in your MAP the more others will fall into line, your significant other, your kids, your boss, the people you are in charge of etc.. So buy this book and just get started!!!

Ornamental Publication Date: Apparently My Book is For Sale

So apparently setting a publication date for your book on Createspace, isn’t the same as having a release date.

I’ve got the book all edited and uploaded to Createspace and very carefully pick July 4th as the publication date. I figured that would give me time to play the sales push game without becoming obnoxious about it. I’ve also got a fair amount to get through by July 4th to follow up the book, so it’s all coming together. I’m exhausted from the blur that is looking at your own work until your eyes bleed. I push the button to approve printing with the same drama a movie President authorizes a nuclear strike.

The book shows up on Amazon quite quickly. Book is in pre-order and will ship on July 4th. If the price drops before then, they will match it. Awesome.

I take a bleary eyed nap and then go about the business of formatting for the Kindle version. Book still in pre-order. Cool.

The next morning people on the forum start squealing they buying the book. Yay pre-orders, I feel awesome. Then they say it’s already shipped!

WTF? Yup, the book is live. Dammit. Call Amazon, they say it’s a Createspace issue. Call Createspace, they say I approved it. I say noooooooooooo, I very carefully selected July 4th. They tell me that all I’m selecting is a line of text, there’s no actual functionality to the publication date decision. Whaaaaaaaaaaat?

I can either just enjoy the ride, or shut the entire book down and reactivate it later, say on July 1st, hoping that it’s all the way turned on again for July 4th. Except it might not be. The 800,000lb Amazonian gorilla does book magic and it’s a little random as to when it works.

So the publication date is basically ornamental?

Yeah it is, sorry about that.

Ugh… First World Problems.

Anyway, 100,000 new books hit Amazon each month… so I decide to stay low and not annoy the sleeping Kraken. I crunch the Kindle version out. It’s all on.

The book is here…

Athol_Kay for Amazon 1250X2000

 

There’s other stuff happening behind the scenes, but I’ll get to that in a day or two. For now, if you can buy a book and get the initial wave going, it’s amazingly helpful to me.

 

Explaining The “In Her Or On Her” Rule

Forum issue…. spent a long time triaging this case and everything went back to the husband having a porn/Internet addiction. As in we figured out the exact month everything started falling apart being when they first had cable Internet installed. Literally a bright motivated guy one month and starting to flunk out of college the next. Then over a decade of unemployment and underemployment after that. Her carrying about 80% of the income load while he stayed home and jerked off to porn. Long story short, I gave her a full and complete triage experience, she unleashed ”Option A or B” on him, he went for Option A.

Which brings us to this post. One of my suggestions that was part of Option A was to adopt the “In her or on her” rule. Meaning where his semen ends up. i.e. no jerking off to porn, if he’s having an orgasm, it’s with her in some way shape or form. Don’t care where he comes, just as long as it’s with her.

Then comes the hamstring questions. What if she’s not available, or doesn’t want to? Or other reason to get around the rule. Squeaky squeak squeakum.

My response…

(1) He’s the addict, so anything he says isn’t reasonable or valid related to the addiction.

(2) He’s allowing himself to have his brain be rewired to experience her as the outlet for his sexuality.

(3) Given long enough (months) doing (2) will make his brain eroticize her to him. Just like he’s conditioned himself to particular porn to be a turn-on, now he’s conditioning himself to be turned-on by her. Yes that’s “artificial”, but it will feel completely real when it’s done.

(4) Like any form of hunger, the longer it goes between feedings, the greater his desire to be fed. So if she is unavailable (work) or unwilling (I expect somewhat rarely), all that does is make him more interested in her and more attracted to her. If he routinely masturbates without her, then he basically messes up the entire program. The orgasming without her is the entire problem.

(5) What he’ll come to learn is that 99% of eroticism lies in the feeling of being turned-on. After he orgasms, it’s over. It seems very counter intuitive I know, but he’ll actually find a more satisfying sexual experience on the other side of this process. It’s really not robbing him of anything.

(6) Without the endless dopamine chasing of the porn/Internet addiction, he’ll find greater personal focus in his life as a whole. He’ll think better. Perform better. This is a real addiction he’s been facing and it’s terribly draining on him.

(7) Monogamy isn’t exactly easy. It’s not for me. I’m a higher desire person than Jennifer, but it’s the experience of being turned-on that’s the most enjoyable thing. By a conscious focus limiting myself to her, it actually is sexually frustrating in a positive sense. Much of Oneitis is simply a biological response to sexual frustration coupled with an emotional focus on a single woman. As long as she is a basically good wife, it’s pretty freaking enjoyable.

Or in other words, the “in you or on you” rule may seem like a gimmick, and to an extent it is. But it’s also going to work to make him find her more sexually attractive and help him fall in love with her again.

And even if the process to make that happen is artificial, the feelings he’ll experience as a result of it will be real.

The caveat to all this being that she’s actually into him. She’s been a total Nice Girl slaving away supporting him and being sexually cut off by him. She wants to lay him like tile.

Jennifer:  This can also be a lot of fun for her. We don’t often skip nights but the positive change in Athol’s attention toward me is noticeable the longer it goes since the last time we had sex. It’s nice to be the focus of that level of desire. Now if a girl was mildly evil…

Long Term Relationship Count: 3 + 1 = 4

Just reading Susan’s Cohabitation Blues post and got a memory jag about something I can’t remember if I already wrote about or not.

So…

Men will always be lied to about female partner count. You may as well just accept that. Yeah I know some tiny handful of women don’t lie about partner count, but they look like all the ones that do, so lots of luck figuring which is which. Plus the ones who aren’t lying probably aren’t terribly strongly sexually motivated, or are still “mint in box”, which is potentially another curve ball to think about.

However, women will tell you how many guys they’ve lived with like it’s a badge of honor. It’s a proper relationship, NOT at all slutty or remotely questionable. It’s all on the up and up. Not a problem. She’s an Official Girlfriend(TM) and putting out officially. Besides, the only difference between living together and being married is “a piece of paper”.

Right?

Ah okay, let’s say you’re right.

So rather than worry about a couple of one night stands, or that thing that happened on vacation in Mexico, or anything that happened in high school… or drunk.. or in Vegas… let’s just count the cohabitations. Then you just add +1 to the total to see where you would fall in the progression should you take the next step with her.

So if she’s had three cohabitations, if you marry her, you should think of yourself being her fourth husband.

 

I’m Ready, I’m Ready, I’m Ready, I’m Ready, I’m Ready

Endlessly refreshing the tracking screen showing your new books coming to you, is what enables them to arrive on time….

There’s still some left available for the fifty signed copies. Have $50, live in the US and email me at athol.kay@gmail.com.