Dragon’s Lair: Princess Daphne Teaches Girl Game

Here’s the thing about White Knighting.

No one tells guys they need to do it, it’s built into their DNA. Pretty girl needs saving? We’ll be right there.

Watch this short video and tell me you don’t have a total craving to hunt for a copy of Dragon’s Lair. Must. Save. Princess. Daphne.

There’s a rather obvious assumed contract at work there. Be the hero, save the girl and you get to pop her out of her chastity bubble.

However in modern society, if a woman is rescued she doesn’t have to pony up like a fairy tale princess. If the fire department rescues a woman from a burning building, there’s minimal expectation she’ll let herself be taken doggy style in the back of the fire truck. As an aside, Engine 7 wishes to apologize.

But for men, the expectation for being a White Knight hero remains intact. If a woman is getting robbed by three men, a male passing stranger is simply meant to rush them unarmed and get shot as a distraction so she can escape with her pocketbook. Your wife will bawl her eyes out on your casket and you’ll be called a hero. Everyone will be proud.

Yeah I know, extreme examples, neither of which is likely to happen to you in your lifetime. Usually the “save me” and “here I come to save the day” is smaller and less dramatic. Here’s rent money. I’ll help you finish your report. I’ll tell them no for you. Take my car. I’ll help you move. No worries, I’ll buy dinner. Here’s something to help get you back on your feet again. I don’t mind staying here all night in case he tries to come back, I’ll just sleep on the couch with a hard-on.

So the rule is, you don’t turn yourself into a chump. You don’t spend unusual time, energy, or money on a woman who isn’t willing to put out for you. You sure as hell don’t put yourself in danger for her. Women killed chivalry by demanding equal treatment and breaking their end of the hero-gives-rescue-princess-gives-poon contract. So men have to stop White Knighting, otherwise you’re just an idiot for doing it.

But…

It’s fucking built into us.

When all is said and done, one of the things I like about being married is I can White Knight Jennifer. To be fair she’s not some dingbat endlessly getting herself in a spot of bother, but it’s really actually kinda fun to provide for her and get to play the all-purpose hero of the family. She also holds up her end of the bargain and puts out rather nicely. I don’t have a magic sword, I have a laptop. I don’t have a dragon, I have MMSL. I don’t have Princess Daphne, I have Jennifer. It’s actually really enjoyable.

When you look closely at most guys, their lives involve finding out whatever their version of the magic sword is, trying to slay their dragon and saving their girl from something. You want to know what the hottest thing about Princess Daphne is? What gives her rock solid girl game? It’s not the sexy voice, it’s not the lingerie outfit, it’s not her long blond hair, it’s not her ass, boobs, lips or legs.

She squeals and claps.

Ladies if you want your husband to act more Alpha, if you happen to notice him doing something good, try an over-the-top Princess Daphne patented Squeal and Clap routine. Watch him puff up with DNA programmed pride. I do Goofy and Groping, so why not see what a couple of seconds of Squeal and Clap gets you. I’m telling you, back in the day guys shoveled quarters into those Dragon’s Lair machines….

 

 

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Comments

  1. L says:
  2. greenlander says:

    Slightly tangential: When I was younger, I pined to play that Dragon’s Lair more but (being a kid) didn’t have enough quarters.

    you can now download the Dragon’s Lair laser disk image and the player and play all you want. A couple of years ago I played it all the way to the end. No quarters required! It was actually fun… unlike being a white knight in the real world which is invariably frustrating and unfruitful.

  3. My mother, to this day says with every bit of certainty that she is “not a feminist.” But when she caught me winning the home edition of Dragonslayer and got an eyeful of that particular scene, she felt it her absolute duty to give me an earful about misogynistic stereotypes of women, and wanted to make dead sure I would never look for a Daphne.

    I suspect that resolving that message in my head is why I spent the early years of my dating potential on heavily pierced girls with mohawks, tats, and personality disorders. Bleagh.

  4. earl says:

    I always wondered why money and treasure was also in those scenes with dragons. Now I know.

  5. RJ says:

    I was addicted to Dragon’s Lair in high school. Made it within 3 moves of popping the bubble, but could never get the timing right. And then the game was removed from the arcade.

    Dang, it’s the perfect metaphor for being a Beta in high school…

  6. PurpleGuy says:

    This also explains why police and fire guys can usually date women 1-2 points over their SR. Women love a protector.

  7. CMH says:

    Oh…..does this mean I have to let myself be saved?

  8. Katherine Kelly says:

    I have worked hard to contain my natural impulse to squeal and clap so that I could be seen as more mature and to be taken seriously. It is nice to know that it actually may have value when it happens.

    I just wish I could control it, but it has a unpredictable life of its own.

  9. mindstar says:

    Nice post Athol. I’d forgotten about that game. Good times.

  10. Liz says:

    I’m the “smart one” (ie, I’m academically minded) in the marriage, but I’ve never really gotten my head around things like, uh, common sense or anything. One of the things I find really useful (and fun!) is to ooh-and-ah over him when I find him doing the more practical things, like sorting out the insurance or buying a car. No, I don’t need to be there for the car buying part, but it’s nice to see him just getting things it takes me a while to understand, plus I like subtly bigging him him up in front of other people. It’s a good antidote to getting big headed or arrogant.

  11. Tampa says:

    Dated this girl for six months….she got the full rolls royce treatment. Saved, helped, provided…she didn’t give BJ’s. I wanted to be like “they make girls like you?” She didn’t think anything of it. The sense of entitlement is pretty amazing among modern women. I think it has to do with the excessive white knighting and not getting mad when they don’t get anything in return from their women.

  12. Cheeky Simmy says:

    @Tampa

    You sound like a hero to me, one many good girls would appreciate and reward you accordingly. A white knight, in my opinion moves up 3 points in his SMV.

    From living vicariously through girlfriends, men have taught me that I had to be strong and independent. Men have left my girlfriends for showing vulnerability (these men tell me they see this as needy and clingy). We are confused so the good girls are fearful of calling out for help and self entitled princesses seem to get all the good guys looking after them (then we run around saying men love bitches).

    We have too much pride to be lumped into the manipulative women category so we refrain from asking for help but now that I know you guys actually like saving us and it’s not manipulative to ask for help particularly from your partner, I’ll spread the word around. It’s so refreshing to hear this.

    I absolutely dote all over my husband when he pulls out his carpenter tool belt and starts fixing, building stuff. I’m so naturally turned on by competence (no matter what your area of expertise) but he doesn’t seem to appreciate my awing and ahhing and it’s genuine. Maybe saving us is similar because it shows us your confident and competent which is the biggest turn on.

  13. jetaz says:

    See, the thing is Athol, if I were dating, or married to a woman who literally squealed and clapped, I would be pretty sure she was mocking me. Do I just know shitty women?

  14. Joe_Commenter says:

    I actually had to say these words to my wife “Wife, I am going to fix the broken xyz gadget. When I am done there had better be a standing ovation or I am never going to do it again”. She got the message.

  15. I'm a man says:

    I have a high energy female friend who will squeal and clap. Once she got her car stuck in the snow and i was trying to push it out. 4 other guys stopped and helped. She was in the car clapping and squealing once the car became unstuck.

    All the guys really appreciated her genuine pleasure and were beaming as they got back into their cars.

  16. DT says:

    Surely literally squealing and clapping would make a grown man feel mocked not appreciated? Right? Would you be so kind as to elaborate on what “squealing and clapping” might look like?

  17. The Ringmistress says:

    I think this is why it’s called “girl” game. Squealing and clapping turn a grown woman back into a 5-great old girl for a moment: someone totally unselfconcious, tiny, in need of protection, with an infectious smile. Women are at their most attractive when they are childlike. (Note, I did not say childish. BIG difference.)

    Being said, I’ve been 35 since I was 7, so I almost have my physical and mental age matching. Need to work on this. It’s been a VERY long time since I’ve been girlish.

  18. Joe_Commenter says:

    @DT: American women today are so snarky these days, that such squealing might come off as insincere. But usually genuine enthusiasm and appreciation would not be taken wrong. If your man seems put off by it, just follow it up by saying, thank you, I mean that, I’m so happy you did that for me. And put your hand on his chest as you say it, then kiss him after you say it.

    How could that be taken wrong?

  19. Meggrz says:

    “Put your hand on his chest as you say it, then kiss him after you say it.” Golden. I find I really enjoy rewarding men for favors, and I try to reward them in kind. Once you realize you made a man’s day by seeing their face light up after you touch their shoulder, look them in the eye, smile that girlish smile and say thank you, it’s really hard to find a reason not to.

    What I’m struggling with though, is being gracious and thankful without feeling like an ass for accepting niceities from men I am not interested in. I’m getting pretty good at appreciating niceties from men, but that of course spurs men on to do more nice things for me. The tricky part is as the offers of assistance become more substantial, I realize I don’t want to lead men on so I am often shy of asking for help – often needing to reject unsolicited offers of help. Is it better to be gracious and let a man help me move or to refuse them so as not to let them get the wrong idea?

    I’m wary of coming off as bitchy or unappreciative by turning white knighting men down, simply because I am well aware of the sexual contract they are hoping to forge, and my unwillingness to meet those expectations. Any thoughts?

  20. Joe_Commenter says:

    Meggrz, you hold all the cards. If you need help moving and the white knights offer, the implied sexual contract is their problem not yours. If you don’t want them to help, just politely decline, “oh it’s so nice of you to offer, but I have it under control”. If you really wouldn’t mind the help, then let them help. It is the duty of the man to bring up the idea of sex. So after helping you move, if he makes a move on you that you do not want, explain to him that you are not that kind of girl. That you don’t put out to just anyone. You need some dating and commitment.

    When you tell a man that you place a high value on your sexuality, you will instantly elevate yourself in his eyes. Most women put out so easy these days. When you demand a man respect your sexuality, guess what? He instantly respects you more. Try it. I swear to god this is the most powerful thing a woman can possibly do. Make him earn it. With men, you have leverage until you fuck him. Once you fuck him, he instinctively no longer needs to work for you.

    Sure he might get annoyed. But those are the types of guys you really don’t want to waste your time on.

    Now if you are a married woman, and you are letting white knights do stuff for you, you are in trouble. That is the biggest disrespecting move you can make. It tells your husband that he is not adequate. Never ever accept help from another man if you are married.

    Let me know how you resolve this.

  21. Passing Stranger says:

    The difficulty with being a white knight is that girl you find who needs rescuing is most likely to be a girl who has a habit of going into dragon caves.

  22. Jonathan says:

    This passing comment from a passing stranger is an unqualified, solid gold, dragon slaying, squeal inducing win!

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