Was It The Booze, Or Was It The MAP?

Valmont:  So, recently started MAPing and sex has been rare (like once or twice a month) and a source of tension for two years. Her enjoyment has been sporadic to say the least (but not totally gone). I just want your views on last night.

We had a party and had parked the kids with grandparents. I’ve been MAPing, imperfectly for about a month. There’ve been signals that she’s been picking up on this but yet to have a real conversion into the bedroom. So, yeah, I was hoping for something out of a decent party with no kids to come home to.

That night, I mapped it like a mofo. I’m not normally into dress up events but, what’s that babe? you want me to grow an awesome mo? Game on. You wear that mini skirt and it’s a deal.

Get to the party and get her a drink but then make a mental note to start chatting to the other ladies there. After about 10 minutes I remembered something; how freaking charming I can be when I want to turn it on. So I turned it on. Never in a threatening way but enough that by the end of the night I had her and her best lady friends laughing, flirting, dancing, and just not leaving my side. Gold.

I also made a point of keeping tabs on what I was drinking. Just enough to get lucid but I paced it with soda to make keep me level.

So we get home at about 3. She’s never one for affection in public but the minute we shut the front door – bang. I’m not going to turn this into some indiscreet penthouse forum clone but I have been wracking my brain to think of anytime, ever, when we have fucked like that, and I simply can’t. It. Was. Awesome. She wanted to be taken, and how; and she was completely vocal about everything, which is so out of character but so welcome. It was like every inhibition that had built up over the years was wiped. To switch to beta, it wasn’t just fucking. It was incredibly close too. We were ecstatic afterwards.

So what’s the problem then? The next day I tried to reward this with a decent breakfast. It was then that I realized that she had hit the sauce quite a bit the night before. She was quite hungover and most embarrassed about it.

I switched to full beta mode to get us all through the day but immediately began to wonder, “ah crap, so was it just the booze?”  I know the MAP plan is send a follow up message the next day about how awesome last night was, but I knew that with a hangover she would not receive it well.  So I waited until later that night, when the fog had cleared to just drop a, “you were awesome” into conversation. I got a slightly embarrassed groan and a “I was pretty drunk.” She clearly did not want to discuss further.

My dilemma is this. My (beta) inclination is to want to sit down and say, “that was awesome, for both of us, what made it possible and how do we do it again?” But one thing I have learned is that she HATES talking about sex. Ever.

I’m really starting to get a picture of someone who intellectually has been raised with all the feminocentric programming but underneath just wants a good strong man to drag her by the hair to the cave. I think this tension causes a lot of anxiety and even shame – which corrupts not only our ability to talk like adults about sex by I also think is the big inhibitor in getting her going in the first place.

But my big question is, was it the MAP or the booze? If it’s the MAP then I just keep mapping and this sort of action should slowly become the norm. But if was just the booze…..

Athol:  Imagine a scale of 0-100 of how interested in fucking you she is. The higher the number, the more she wants it.

Let’s assume you’ve been stuck at about a 30 for ages.

A couple days back you apologized / owned your shit. +10 and you’re at 40.

You dressed up nice +10

You turned on the charm +10

You have her friend laughing and being into you +10

You got a ton of drinks into her +20

Result for that one night 90 out a 100 on her scale. Fireworks.

So was it the MAP or the booze? Well it was a bit of both.

However, over the long-term you’re going to work on the structural attraction issues, that work every single day in the background and slowly get your baseline creeping up and up. So on any given day, you don’t have to jump through a dozen hoops to make it all happen.

I mean it’s fun once in a while to spruce up and paint the town red, but gets exhausting if that’s what you have to do every single time to get laid.

On the plus side though, that one night probably got you a +2 or something to her baselines interest in you. So if before the evening she was stuck around the 40 point mark, today she’s moved up to 42. So she’s starting to thaw a little. So while the whole night was a bit of a planned charm offensive and a bit of a trick, it all went well and gave you a little boost toward your long term goal of getting her overall interest up higher.

So all in all, worth the effort. You just can’t expect tomorrow evening you’re going to get her shrieking and squealing like she’s at 90 sexual interest in you.

Always well worth getting the relationship momentum heading upwards though.




  1. Arlequin says:

    A little Liquid Libido always helps, but it sounds like she had enough to stun a bull elephant and you STILL got laid like tile!

    Your map must have been working pretty darned good or she would have been passed out instead of tearing your clothes off inside the foyer.

    Stick with the mapping and…always keep a bottle or two of wine in the fridge.

  2. Maximus says:

    There is a bit of a misconception how alcohol works. It is commonly assumed alcohol just makes women more open, but it is not quite the most accurate notion. In truth alcohol acts as a truth serum. It allows us to bypass our rational conscious thoughts and do what our irrational ID’s actually want with greater ease then when being sober.

    So if your wife was willing to have sex with you when drunk then congratulations: she is still into you and would want it more often. If you would be repulsive to her she most probably would just become more annoying when drunk and just pass out or start flirting with other men. If she was into you that means she is into you all the time just not enough to display it when sober, but keep alphing up yourself and you will eventually reach this same reaction without the needing alcohol.

  3. Trimegistus says:

    There’s also this to consider: women who believe (for whatever reason) that they “shouldn’t” be into sex, or into letting a man be dominant in sex, can use “I was drunk” as an excuse for acting in a way that they think they “shouldn’t.”

    In other words, her getting drunk might be her response to your MAP-ing. You’re more attractive, she wants to respond, she thinks she shouldn’t, so she squares the circle by getting shitfaced so that she can have crazy monkey sex with you on the living-room floor and then rationalize to herself later that “it doesn’t count because I was drunk.”

    Now: you have to wean her off this rationalization. For one thing, you don’t want to have to get her completely tanked every time you want sex. For another, as long as she’s displacing her perfectly normal and healthy desire for you onto “being drunk” — then there’s still an unhealthy core of self-deception which will continue to poison the relationship.

    This is where I don’t know what the best method is. Athol, you’re the expert: how to get his wife away from the psychological crutch of booze? I can see either gaming the hell out of her for a time, so that she overcomes her reluctance; or laying down an ultimatum now that you’ve reignited the spark, or . . . ?

  4. My wife also has a reluctance to converse about sex. I just let it go, as we still get it on regularly. Actually, after reading and really heeding this post – http://marriedmansexlife.com/2013/02/ – things have gotten way more passionate and fun.

    I had fallen into the biggest beta sin, thinking that to make my wife love me more, I just had to give her way more attention. I read the above mentioned post, and saw myself completely! I pulled away that very day, and things have been so much better.

    I had a similar experience with Wifey about 2 weeks after starting to give her space again. Lots of different positions and fantastic orgasms. I wanted so bad to tell her how much I enjoyed the previous night, but kept my mouth shut, just internalized the event. Right decision.

  5. alphaguy says:

    On the structural issues… this stuff takes time. I was in your situation a couple of years ago and the thaw takes months and months and you may never get there or it will be the best sex the two of you have ever had! If you think you can fix your relationship in a couple of months, it’s really going to take a year or more before you are thinking about working on it constantly.

    Alcohol does wonders for the libido! For those of us in WA and CO a little pot is even better!

  6. The Outsider says:

    I second Leo G’s comment. Resist the temptation to talk about it. Talking is beta. Doing is alpha. You did, now don’t water it down by talking about your stupid feelings. A confident man takes things in stride, so you should look like that’s what you’re doing, regardless of what is going on in your head. Just be cool. And keep your mouth shut.

    A big part of game is letting her wonder. Was it good for him? Can it always be that hot? Is he into that girl? Let her ponder these questions – that’s fun for her, or at least exciting.

  7. Rewrite says:

    Hey Athol, I kind of like the point system. It reminds me of a video game.
    Can we look forward to an MMSL MMO?

  8. Cheeky Simmy says:

    Of course a lot of it was about your MAP. The alcohol was a small part of the puzzle (it just lets us be a little more open especially for those of us who were raised to be good girls). You rocked that day. I would have been so turned on by my partner sweet talking my friends and dancing.

    I hate to admit this but the fact that my husband doesn’t talk about his feelings is the reason why I have stayed in a sexless marriage (with a SMV rating of about 8 or 9 gauged on the type of men who chase me) and possibly the reason why I’m going to leave him. I think either extreme is a turn off.

    I’m not an expert like our illustrious Athol but I suggest finding a balance between giving her passionate alpha sex (oh yeah I get the dopamine high when I just see an alpha walk into a room) and the beta sweetness (a man who isn’t insecure in sharing feelings is reassuring too just make sure you do this as a matter of fact, not a man seeking validation). No man can mate poach when you have this down pat (we aren’t as visual as you guys so even if your bod isn’t perfect, it’s all in the confidence you display). I’d say be 60 alpha 40 beta but I’m just a woman and apparently we don’t know what we want.

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