Why Relationship Momentum Matters

Okay…. lets assume your relationship is basically good, but you’ve made a misstep with a mate guarding fail. You know it, she knows it. You know she knows it and she knows, you know it. And… well… let’s just say it’s obvious.

And no sex happened, clothes all stayed on, it’s just one of the those things where “nothing happened”, but your stomach feels like you swallowed four lemons and a giant bag of Pop Rocks. That’s your sign that mate guarding should have happened.

So nothing happened, but you still have to address it somehow though. You can’t simply let it just slide.

Here’s the big picture concern.

Right now your relationship is GOOD. Let’s say that you’re at the 90 mark out of 100. A really good relationship.

But relationships also have momentum. What’s happening now is that a small negative event has happened. You failed to mate guard, some dude got isolated face time with her, or you stood around doing nothing while he hit on her in front of you.

As a result your relationship dropped from a 90 to 87. Which is still a GOOD relationship. But the momentum has started DOWN.

If this situation keeps going on unchecked, you’re going to get a slow but stead string of small negative events, -1, -2, -1, -2, -1, -3…. yada yada yada. There’s another isolation event with Mr. Studly, there’s a mildly naughty text, there’s playful looking over, come out to the club…. yada yada yada.

Then one day a few months down the line, your relationship is DOWN to a 47 and Mr.Studly has worked himself UP to a 54. Then things start getting really awkward.

Would your wife cheat on you today? NO. No way in hell. Because your relationship is GOOD. But left unchecked, your relationship will continue it’s downward momentum.

So it sounds like I’m over reacting here, but I take downward relationship momentum *very* seriously. In fact I’d almost be more comfortable learning your relationship was at 20 and heading up to 25, rather than 90 dropping to 87. The relationship momentum will tend to hold in both cases.

If it all gets nipped in the bud *now*, you’ll save each other an amazing degree of pain and grief.

So even in a GOOD relationship, with a GOOD wife, you still have to pay attention and be willing to step in and say something when a line is crossed. Either to her, or him, or both. That’s how your relationship stays GOOD.

And of course the same applies the other way around…


  1. I agree with you whole heartly here. I wish I knew this stuff when I was married.
    Swallowing the bitter red pill has helped me maintain a LTR with someone I thought was marriage material. I am 55 so its not a simple decision to take. This dude (a local married pastor for f*ck sake) started making moves on her – I thought nothing of it since he is the pastor after all and is just being friendly – Hah!!
    The red flags were there – she gets wet after two glasses of wine – so I need to keep an eye on her. But once a cheater, always a cheater – like a cougar bitch on heat, do have to put an effing lease on them!
    Anyway, she went away on holiday with her equally slutty daughter and let it slip that “They met some guys – had some wine. But nothing happened” Yeah roight no sex that night (after a week away) So I broke up with her there and then as I Knew she had cheated – did not even bother to give a reason. Thanks God I was not married to that slut – it would of got worse.
    The truth came out – she ended up having an affair with the pastor and two other guys confessed to me that they had both fucked her on different new years eve parties.
    I do agree with mate guarding – but as I said before, once they are cheaters, there is no way to stop them

  2. I recently ‘guarded’ my husband from a friend in the midst of going through a divorce. I’ve known her for years because our kids are friends. My husband casually mentioned that he was sending her some research on an item she was buying. I asked why, and he said that she’d emailed to ask him for help making a selection.

    Pardon me? She approached HIM and not ME? Me, I’d have nicely told her to research it herself (lots of online info, library has Consumers Report, etc.). My life is busy enough. I don’t do homework for those who should be able to help themselves. I had to point out to him that she was playing the damsel in distress and that he was buying it. He was completely taken aback and pointed out that he was just trying to help as he would anyone. I told him that I knew there was nothing wrong with what HE did, but would he mind her estranged hubby calling me up and asking me to come over and help him with something I’m better at, such as picking paint colours or furniture for his new digs? He paused. And then the lights went on and he saw what I was seeing.

    I asked if he thought this woman with a master’s degree was really incapable of reviewing ratings on her own, or did he think it served her purposes better to play the victim and have other men do things for her. After all, other women’s husbands are safe since they can’t even expect a ‘perk’ for doing it. She just touches their arms, flatters them by saying how good they are at these things and how much she appreciates the help. You know, the stuff that many wives forget to do since busy spouses tend to take each other for granted over the years.

    He went from thinking I was nuts to being irked about potentially being played. I think it’s safe to assume that she won’t be getting any more help from MY man. Besides, Miss I’m So Lost Since Hubby Left has three strapping sons at home, all well over six feet. If she really needs a man to do things, she needs to tap one of the walking appetites that lives with her.

    What amused me the most was how THRILLED my husband was to have me ‘guard’ him. Seriously, he was all puffed up about it. I earned big points there and I wasn’t even trying to. LOL

  3. Athol. Love your books. I’ll be picking up your new ome on kindle tomorrow. … Any advice on how to mate guard without appearing jealous?

  4. So if your relationship takes small hits such as -2, -1, -2 because of another guy. What are some of the things that can gain the positive back?

  5. Shadow_Nirvana says:

    @jason Very good question.

    I believe first step would be making sure something like that doesn’t happen again. But beyond that, I don’t know what exactly you can do if you have already been working to make your relationship get to such a good point in the first place.

  6. @Jason.

    Dread Game.

  7. Listen to him – mate guard men, failing to do so will be reason for the demise in your relationship
    Failing this you look weak and can’t protect her, it’s not a -1, it’s a -20.
    I’m curious what men see as reasons to lose numbers, some honest responses would be appreciated (apart from the obvious loyalty as opposed to flirting)


  1. […] on Why Relationship Momentum Matters. As you read, watch everything play out exactly as you would expect… assuming the genders […]

  2. […] Re: What shou I do about this situation?? Here is an excellent recent post from Athol Kay on mate guarding. Why Relationship Momentum Matters | Married Man Sex Life […]

  3. […] Kay talks about how important relationship momentum is. It’s even more important than how well your relationship is actually doing in the moment. […]

  4. […] First, a quick re-cap. At any given time, your relationship is experiencing either positive or negative momentum. The direction your marriage is going can actually be more important than where it currently stands as Athol Kay explains in this post. […]

Speak Your Mind