Athol: I thought this comment on Age Gaps are a Relationship Stress warranted it’s own post. Pay careful attention to the fact that he clearly wants the relationship to work, but there’s this underlying structural effect making it harder going than it might otherwise be. Also she appears to have genuinely helped and invested in him, so that contribution acts as something he counts as a credit in her favor.
ToyBoy: Well… that’s … ugh…
That’s hit a couple of things on the head for me, and I don’t like it.
I’ve historically been something of a manosphere lurker – but I’ve been away for a long time. The last few days I’ve had a heavy hankering to come and re-motivate my self improvement side (I’ve gotten a little static recently) by digging through the archives, hence my commenting on such an old post.
I’m the younger man you described in that post: 7 year age gap, though I’m in my late 20s and she in her mid 30s. We got together a couple of years ago, and at that point I was a bit of a psychological mess: quite depressed, effectively an alcoholic, little motivation, not very good with women (though improving as a result of the red pill)…
And my partner has been incredibly helpful and supportive, and has massively contributed towards me sorting myself out. I’m much healthier – physically and mentally – and I’ve embarked on some major career moves (starting up my own company, going back into postgrad education etc). I’m also finally sorting out some long-needed aesthetic improvements (eg, my teeth were ruined as a result of my depressions and drinking – I’m now in the midst of straightening, whitening, capping etc).
And recently the loyalty tests have started. It’s in a jokey way, but several times in the last month or two she’s commented that she’s excited to see my ‘new smile’, but that she hopes I don’t then use it to leave her for a younger model.
And over this same period I’ve really noticed that my sex rank is higher than I thought it was when we got together.
NOW, here’s the very important thing: I love this woman, and I want us to remain together. I really really do. I have no intention of cheating on her. I’ve recently moved in with her, and I love it. We have a very healthy and happy relationship, and the sex life is pretty good (the only slight issue is that we’re both very busy, so tend to be a bit knackered at the end of the day, so sometimes we have to wait – *gasp* – a week or so). I genuinely want to stay with her forever.
However, I worry about my biological imperative and the future. My sex rank has improved over the last few years, definitely. And I’m just now getting into the late 20s / early 30s peak that I read so much about. And I’m improving my fitness. And my career is taking off. And I’m noticing more and more that I get positive attention from younger women, and that I like it.
And she is in her mid 30s, and struggles with her figure. She’s not fat, but she’s not thin either, and once the weight is on it is unlikely to come off. And I know that that is effecting my attraction to her already.
Example: last night I was at an event without her, where there were several early-to-mid 20s women, and it really struck me how strong their sex appeal was: the beauty of their faces, and the shape of their bodies, and how just by their existing I wanted to talk to them, to impress them, to have them like me… and later in the evening, I’m sat in up bed with my partner, and I’m looking at a slightly less tight figure, and a slightly older face, and there’s a roll of fat, and the simple truth is that she doesn’t inspire the same automatic desire…
I’m not a fool. I know that’s going to happen with ANYONE you have an LTR with, and how the male libido seeks variety. BUT – I don’t like that I’m already feeling this, knowing it’s likely to get more pronounced over the next few years and beyond.
I’m not sure what the point of my comment is – probably just a chance for me to get some of that off my chest. I find it an odd position to be in: I want this relationship to last – really, it’s bloody fantastic. And the age gap doesn’t cause any problems that wouldn’t exist in another relationship, but perhaps it magnifies one.
A final thought: like I said, I wasn’t very good with women and probably underestimated my sex rank. So I’ve not had much experience beyond drunk one night stands and crappy proto-relationships before this. And there is a part of me – a part I am REALLY not proud of – that sort of resents the possibility of not properly experiencing being with some young women at some point. Call it my inner PUA: there is a very real part of me that wants to sleep around with a variety of young women, and it’s never done it… that is the dangerous impulse. That’s the one I have to keep down. But it seems like more and more it’s waking up. That worries me. I don’t want this relationship to go sour. And if it does I don’t want the reason to be me being horny. But it’s always going to be there…
Athol: So TL:DR… Body Agenda says leave, his Literate (Higher) Self says stay. The Hamster is filibustering.
I don’t mean that to sound like I’m making fun of him. This is an all too common issue I see. Truly every single time I see a younger man / older woman pairing come to the forum, I groan knowing how hard things will be to fix and hold together.