Short version… lazy bear husband, ten year marriage, crappy sex, four kids and husband rarely around….
OneFootOut: Wanted to add, the reason the ultimatum has to be bigger and more impactful, is because I’ve called our pastor a few times over the years to initiate divorce plans, and I’ve told him I’m done, told him I’m not attracted to him, etc. I’ve even left for a couple days, and kicked him out for a couple weeks, but nothing changes. It’s all beta-niceness for a couple weeks then back to normal old boring roommate mode. (I actually prefer the roommate thing to having him approach me for sex, though)
I also, after reading through many posts, am curious what it is about ME that’s most often attracted betas. The only 2 alphas I was with, were my absolute most amazing relationships, but the rest of them were just nice guys.
Athol: Actually right now. Don’t do a damned thing to try and attract his attention to MMSL, it will only weaken it’s impact.
I would like you to read The Mindful Attraction Plan for yourself and report back where you think you are in the process, what you’ve tried and failed at before now.
It sounds like you’ve been unwittingly throwing Display of Low Value after Low Value at him.
OneFootOut: Will do. I have started the book already.
I didn’t understand the last line of your post. Does that mean I’ve put him down? I’m very careful not to, but it happens. The only time I’ve ever said outright that I wasn’t attracted to him, was months after my first daughter was born (9 years ago) and I was having panic attacks during sex/from him approaching me. I couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
Athol: No, I mean you’ve unwittingly put yourself down to him.
Every time you’ve gotten upset and begged him to change, you’ve told him you’re powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you’ve threatened divorce etc and then failed to follow through, you’ve told him you’re powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time he’s ignored you and you’ve just soldiered on like it’s okay and done everything at home alone, you’ve told him you’re powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
Every time you let him drain your energy and get nothing in return, you’ve told him you’re powerless in the relationship and that he is in charge.
These are all Displays of Low Value.
Liberty: This is so hard to grasp and REALLY understand but it is the truth. If you fully embrace it, it will cause such a shift in your mindset, you’ll wonder what you’ve been thinking all these years.
I feel for you. I came here with very similar experiences of complaining, trying to change, trying to get him to change etc, nothing works or sticks. Gag!
I know you’ve been trying to fix it for years and feel like you are on your last possible tiny thread of tolerance. But I believe this forum is where the magic is and you just got here. It is working for me and things are changing. Learn, read, change yourself and your perspective. Good luck!
Serenity: It is a tricky thing when the woman finds MMSL first and is the one who wants her husband to change.
Many of the wives here have stumbled around, making mistake after mistake with our husbands and being counter-productive.
Recommend that you save yourself a lot of time and heartache and take advantage of Athol’s private coaching option. Had it been available when I first started running my Map, I would have avoided a lot of pitfalls that slowed down our progress.
At some point, if you and Athol both feel that it’s time to bring your husband in, there’s no additional charge to include him as well.
Athol: Actually Serenity got to be a guinea pig for some of this stuff, so coaching might not have helped much for her back then. But it’s proving to be rather effective for drawing the attention of the less interested partner now. There’s just something about your husband or wife getting “sort your life out” help that seems to really make the other person pay attention. Plus the no additional charge for a couple as opposed to one person doing it seems to be appealing too.