David Attenborough Narrates Miley Cyrus’s VMA Twerking

Take… David Attenborough nature documentary on Albatross

Add… Miley Cyrus Twerking

Result…

That being said, once you strip away much of the linguistic subtlety of human interaction, our mating dances aren’t wildly different to that of any other species in the animal kingdom.

What else is football but a display of male physical dominance in search of a mate, while cheerleaders jump around showing how perky their boobs are in a fertility display?

So what are you doing to make yourself more attractive? Are you twerking hard, or hardly twerking?

Sexy Move: The Royal Penis is Clean Your Highness

My favorite way to start the day is having a shower with Jennifer. We can’t swing it everyday, but we seem to be managing it about two or three times a week recently and it’s just fun to be together that way.

I scrub her back, she scrubs mine.

She washes and then conditions her hair with a magical bottle of something I can’t even be bothered to read the label of. Sorry ladies, I just have no clue what it is. It’s probably life changing if you knew though.

Anyway,  while she conditions her hair, I get to do the full body wash on Jennifer. Which depending how you look at it is either horribly lame as I attend her as a servant, or completely awesome as I investigate every inch of her with soap and inappropriate touch.

And then…

…Oh. My. God.

Soft soap juicy pomegranate mango infusionsAll I can say is thank you makers of Soft Soap: Juicy Pomegranate and Mango Infusion. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I think it’s the mango giving it the extra bit of glide, but whatever it is, it’s the perfect soap for a rather thorough cleansing of my cock. It’s simply an amazing sensation and I can go from “hello there” to “woah dear” the absolute fastest of any method Jennifer has tried on me ever. It’s kinkier than the Jumper Cables and the Butter. Faster than a blindfold and facesitting. Hotter than her eating sushi off my cock. I’m even starting to forget the midget twins.

It’s just that good.

Seriously. No words. I’m 80% of the way to orgasm before I’m even fully hard from it and it’s not like I have a premature problem to cope with. I’m just like putty penis in her hands.

So that’s about it. Give it a shot.

 

Your Wife’s AAAAAF Report Card (The “F” is for Sex)

I keep coming across this thing where a husband will positively gush about his wife. She’s an amazing cook, looks great, is kind and sweet tempered, keeps an excellent house, fabulous mom to the kids and on and on and on. Then the sad face comes… and he mentions that there’s hardly any sex. The husband always looks depressed and defeated because she’s far too good to leave but he never gets what he really wants from the relationship. There may well be delicious pie and a nice home, but it feels like he stumbled into a trap nevertheless.

For a long time I’ve been seeing that as a form of compensation on the wife’s part. She doesn’t want the sex for whatever reason it is, so she becomes like a kid coming home with a school report card with five A’s and one F. As a parent you kinda have to look at the report card and think… Well she did flunk math… but everything else is amazing, so I don’t think I can really be too much of a hard ass about it.

Except when it’s a marriage and she’s flunking sex, it really is way more aggravating than your kid flunking math.

“In fact”, I usually say, “you’d probably much rather have the house be a bit messy, have her dress down a little, have a little more noise from the kids and less perfection with the money, just as long as you got some more regular sex. Instead of an AAAAAF report card from her, you’d rather see her turn in a BBBBBB report card.” 

That’s the husband’s cue to scream in relief that someone finally understands his situation. Up until this point, complaints about his wife to anyone else typically gets looks of confusion and polite questioning of the husband’s sanity. The wife is after all perfect, because the AAAAA part of the report card is what everyone else sees and only the husband has to lie awake at night with a raging hard-on silently cursing the cruel F that fate has dealt him.

So she’s compensating for her sexual disinterest by maxing out everything else. It’s a great strategy for keeping him on the hook.

But…

There’s another angle here too.

As much as she is compensating for her weakest area, she’s also mirroring her husband.

Pretty much all the AAAAAF wives have AAAAAF husbands.

These guys are really great. Hard working, good jobs, pleasant, agreeable, great with the kids, helps around the house, yada yada yada. But they all have a giant lack of attractiveness somehow.

Maybe it’s their weight. Maybe it’s the cluelessness about how to instigate and flirt. Maybe they just fold up like wet napkins any time she challenges them. Maybe they fail to do anything when other guys blatantly hit on the wife in front of them. Whatever it is, it all sums out to some huge defect in being attractive and pulling her sexual interest.

Meanwhile, the wife probably has her internal hamster treading water coming up with reasons to be happy in her marriage despite the bed death. He’s such a great guy, any woman would be happy with him… just… ugh. This would all be simpler if he just cheated so I had a reason to divorce him.

So…

Whatever it is that’s causing the F in your sex life, you have to find it and root it out. Helping you in that process are the books, the forum and the 1:1 coaching.

So get to it. Class is back in session.