Your Wife’s AAAAAF Report Card (The “F” is for Sex)

I keep coming across this thing where a husband will positively gush about his wife. She’s an amazing cook, looks great, is kind and sweet tempered, keeps an excellent house, fabulous mom to the kids and on and on and on. Then the sad face comes… and he mentions that there’s hardly any sex. The husband always looks depressed and defeated because she’s far too good to leave but he never gets what he really wants from the relationship. There may well be delicious pie and a nice home, but it feels like he stumbled into a trap nevertheless.

For a long time I’ve been seeing that as a form of compensation on the wife’s part. She doesn’t want the sex for whatever reason it is, so she becomes like a kid coming home with a school report card with five A’s and one F. As a parent you kinda have to look at the report card and think… Well she did flunk math… but everything else is amazing, so I don’t think I can really be too much of a hard ass about it.

Except when it’s a marriage and she’s flunking sex, it really is way more aggravating than your kid flunking math.

“In fact”, I usually say, “you’d probably much rather have the house be a bit messy, have her dress down a little, have a little more noise from the kids and less perfection with the money, just as long as you got some more regular sex. Instead of an AAAAAF report card from her, you’d rather see her turn in a BBBBBB report card.” 

That’s the husband’s cue to scream in relief that someone finally understands his situation. Up until this point, complaints about his wife to anyone else typically gets looks of confusion and polite questioning of the husband’s sanity. The wife is after all perfect, because the AAAAA part of the report card is what everyone else sees and only the husband has to lie awake at night with a raging hard-on silently cursing the cruel F that fate has dealt him.

So she’s compensating for her sexual disinterest by maxing out everything else. It’s a great strategy for keeping him on the hook.

But…

There’s another angle here too.

As much as she is compensating for her weakest area, she’s also mirroring her husband.

Pretty much all the AAAAAF wives have AAAAAF husbands.

These guys are really great. Hard working, good jobs, pleasant, agreeable, great with the kids, helps around the house, yada yada yada. But they all have a giant lack of attractiveness somehow.

Maybe it’s their weight. Maybe it’s the cluelessness about how to instigate and flirt. Maybe they just fold up like wet napkins any time she challenges them. Maybe they fail to do anything when other guys blatantly hit on the wife in front of them. Whatever it is, it all sums out to some huge defect in being attractive and pulling her sexual interest.

Meanwhile, the wife probably has her internal hamster treading water coming up with reasons to be happy in her marriage despite the bed death. He’s such a great guy, any woman would be happy with him… just… ugh. This would all be simpler if he just cheated so I had a reason to divorce him.

So…

Whatever it is that’s causing the F in your sex life, you have to find it and root it out. Helping you in that process are the books, the forum and the 1:1 coaching.

So get to it. Class is back in session.

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Comments

  1. Carlotta says:

    Wow. Did you actually just say that a man with this issue might want to look at himself as well? Nice to hear.
    Not that it is your normal MO to bash women, just that this is nice to see someone blogging that both people have a responsibility.

    It is very, very easy for people to keep the public side of them all As. It is the private side that is hard and that goes both ways.

  2. Jane says:

    Once again your clarity in describing something so nuanced as to be typically ignored, is dead on.

  3. Peregrine John says:

    Really, Carlotta? Yet another suggestion that it’s probably all the man’s fault is news? I can hear the response already… but no, there’s no “both” in the above article. It all ends up that his problem is his fault. It’s lousy overstatement, but (a) Athol rarely does such a thing, so I’m inclined to forgive a Willard Harvey moment, and (b) it’s probably true more often than not. Probability listed as general fact is OK among men. Plus, it kind of sums up the whole MMSL premise, doesn’t it?

  4. joe sixpack says:

    Good to have you back Athol. I was beginning to wonder if you were still alive.

  5. DRocK says:

    um, so what if the H is more of an ABACBB kind of guy? … is she still allowed to be an AAAAAF? Because it’s kind of like that.

  6. joe sixpack says:

    This is really spot on. A man who had the right amount of confidence would be calling his wife out on this substandard behavior. Either the wife fucks him or he gets it from some other woman. It is her choice. He just has to be confident enough to frame it like that.

    I understand and feel where Peregrine John is coming from. Men go along with the whole auto program of working, being a good father, being a career man, etc, only to realize too late that they are not getting laid as part of the package. The wife is not going to solve this problem tho. The man/husband is the only one who can fix this. Yes, the wife should be doing her job, which is “doing” him. But if the man will not enforce the unspoken contract that sex comes with marriage, then he needs to make it a spoken contract. It really is as simple for the man as believing and acting like either the wife fucks him or he gets it from some other woman. If she does not respond to this, there is really no reason to stay married.

  7. Mim says:

    And what if the wife wants more sex than the husband?

  8. Richard Cook says:

    Athol that was a really, really weak post.

  9. L says:

    Frankly loving this post- new twist on same thing you’ve been saying all along: you can’t change spouse only yourself so basically figure out what you can do to be better and stop whining about them. IDK hitting a little close to home though but not going elaborate on that publicly:) Wondering what girl game is appropriate in this situation?

  10. Janet says:

    Actually I have to disagree with Richard Cook. It is a great post. And it’s not because it’s a guy blogging about both parties instead of just hammering the wife or husband, but because he is 100% right!!! If the wife is AAAAAF then the hubby has to be at least somewhere in the same region, especially regarding the issue of sex. It can just as easily be the wife’s fault as much as the husband’s. After all, isn’t marriage supposed to be a 50/50 partnership?

  11. Toffee Hammer says:

    Like it or not, attracting women is indeed the “man’s fault”. (More accurately, his responsibility.)

    Attracting men is a woman’s responsibility, too. It just always feels like things are the man’s fault since most wives manage to stay attractive to their husbands, courtesy of the fact they probably weren’t hideous in the first place and the husband is wearing wife goggles for the duration of his marriage.

    Dr. Harley goes over this more generally in his descriptions that, generally, each partner is responsible (and capable) of meeting the other partner’s emotional needs in order to induce romantic love in their partner. It’s simply not possible to make a cognitive decision to be in love with someone.

    Women can’t make a cognitive decision to magically find a man sexually attractive to them.

  12. DJ says:

    Definitely think this post will get a split reaction. I realize A-to-the-K is only speaking from his own (finite) experience—but in mine, sometimes women will “compensate” because of significant sexual hang-ups, i.e. fundamentalist religion or strict/fundamental parents. The positive side about that type of AAAAAF woman is that (again, in my experience) she is able to come out of that negative mindset with a patient/loving husband and some decent therapy. There’s a difference between a husband looking to improve himself (and get better sex) and a wife who as a youngster was viciously “spanked” to “conquer” an occasional masturbation “addiction.”

  13. Peregrine John says:

    Mim, that would be a different site entirely.

  14. Peregrine John says:

    Joe’s right, though dang, it’s a jaggy little pill to swallow. Still, like I said before, that sort of taking responsibility – even if it’s not our fault (by any sane definition of the word) things aren’t what they should be – is why we’re here. We do our part; she has the choice whether to do hers. Broken contracts are not to be tolerated, especially when it’s about one’s life.

  15. Chuck says:

    Mim, that has been covered extensively here as well… The woman needs to rule out medical problems in her husband by getting his testosterone checked. The woman also needs to strive to be a physically attractive as possible by maintaining ideal body weight, good personal hygiene, good care to the way they dress, and make up. Women that aren’t happy with the amount of sex they are getting from their husbands should work to not reject their husband’s “mediocre” advances, or criticize them too much… but mostly I think the MOST important answers would be getting the T-levels checked and maintaining healthy body weight.

  16. K_C says:

    Spot on, and applicable to so many things in life. If you are failing at something, it pretty much wipes out all of your awesomeness in everything else. One reason I think for how this happens is we also tend to overcompensate for our weaknesses by making our strong areas stronger. You don’t need to bring all your areas to the same level, that just leads to overall mediocrity (look ma, straight C’s!), but at least get the weak spot out of the gutter, then spend your remaining time/energy keeping the A’s up. Unless. of course, the topic is sex, then you should *always* try for an A. ;)

  17. Andy says:

    YES!!! EXACTLY!!!

    I would so give up some of how clean the house is, or how well decorated, or even how attractive my wife is, how well she dresses, how classy she is, for some good old down low sexual passion. I’d be happy with CCCCCC…….

    I agree that (by now) I am also xxxxxxF on sex…….but it is hard to have good sex with somebody who isn’t interested, isn’t passionate, seems to have no inner urges of her own, and always makes me feel like she’s doing me a favor. I have had a few affairs during my marriage, and looking back, none of them were ever intended to get me out of my marriage, because I love my wife. Looking back, all the affairs were meant to validate in my mind that I still “had it.” That the problem is overwhelmingly on my wife’s side of the ledger, and not mine, at least from a physical/performance point of view.

    There may be some medical issues involved (she is 47 & still taking the pill, which as I understand it will bind up the free testosterone in a woman’s body that is required for libido), and she also takes an anti-depressant for the past 20 years. I have told her that I would gladly wear a condom if she stopped taking the pill – she tossed the article I printed out into the trash the next morning. She told me once that an anti-depressant she was on totally sapped her sex drive so she switched – Geez, if it can get worse than it is now, I don;t want to be around to see it. Bottom line – she could improve the possible medical issues if she wanted to, but has shown no interest. Leaves me feeling rather alone………….you can’t shake hands with somebody if they won’t take their hands out of their pockets.

  18. joe Commenter says:

    @Andy. Buy Athol’s book and follow the Male Action Plan. It is custom made for your situation.
    I’ve been married for 25 years. My wife used to give me unenthusiastic weekly sex if I asked for it. Sometimes she would complain that I interrupted her schedule with it. After implementing MAP and supplementing it with some other “red pill” reading, she now reminds me when 3 days have passed since our last romp. “you owe me” she says. “I miss you” she says. In fact I made it her job to remind me when 3 days have passed. She never complains about it now.

    Get the book. You are the only one that can change this situation. Your wife will not, cannot do it. It doesn’t matter who or what started it or caused the lack of sex. Just accept that it is the way it is and do what it takes to change it. You can do this.

  19. Mim says:

    I don’t want to unnecessarily elaborate but given my lifestyle I cannot see my physical appearance or presentation being a problem. If I could, I’d have sex everyday, AT LEAST two times a day. I’m starting to think it might simply be that my sex drive is higher than the majority of the population, especially for a female :/

  20. NK says:

    I am not married yet and have a man who is 10 years older. I have a higher libido than him. I have been thinking about this a lot recently in terms of how it could pan out in the future…..right now its regular but has started to dwindle slightly. He seems to only be into it when he initiates. I love it when he initiates, it is a turn on, but I want him to do that more often….but I know his libido is lower. It is interesting to see if things changed after kids etc..

  21. NK says:

    Also, from observing older married couples that I know. The women seem to be OBSESSED with keeping the house clean and doing the washing over sex. I have thought to myself on a number of occasions, relax and let the dust build just a little its not the end of the world……I really hope I don’t get like that!

  22. Joe Commenter says:

    NK: You are a high drive woman. The cleaning house thing will probably not happen to you unless you want it to happen. All lower drive women will go off the rails and neglect sex unless the husband sets her straight.

    My wife started in with that BS, but I fixed her:
    Her: “oh we can’t have sex, there is just too much housework to do”.
    Me: I am going to get laid. I didn’t care whether it is with you or someone else.

    She was furious at first. But then she got the message. I haven’t had any problems since.

  23. Kpakpo says:

    Hmmm…I’m confused then.

    My fiancee cleans & I cook. So equalish there I guess, except cooking takes longer.

    After 7 years, we still have sex at least once a week, up to 4 or 5 times per week if our jobs & tiredness allow, but it’s always straight forward penetrative sex.

    How do we get back to passionately exploring each other’s bodies? Ravenous blow jobs? How do I get her to regularly actively enjoy me going down on her & really going to town on each other? It’s still really, really good but I want more! We try, but it doesn’t seem to quite spark sometimes.

    I don’t know if it’s an alpha/beta thing – she sees them women that try to get with me despite our relationship & I know how beautiful she is & how many men would jump at the chance if we split up. We banter all the time & do cuddly oxytocin inducing stuff together.

    We love each other very much and I don’t want to leave her, but it feels as if I want something more animal & exciting rather than comfortable sometimes. Which makes it difficult not to have a quick look elsewhere particularly when it’s offered on a plate.

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