If You Wanna Go Fast… Add Beta

I was digging around on YouTube and found this gem of an interview of Sir Jackie Stewart from 1971.

It’s a discussion on how to take a corner at Monaco – the most unforgiving Formula 1 circuit in the world. It’s interesting enough if you’re into motorsport, then about two thirds of the way into it I suddenly realized he’s talking about the motorsport equivalent of Beta.

 

 

And if you want to see a lap of Monaco back in the day…

 

And again, this is about adding Beta, assuming you already have the Alpha in place. You still have to have the assertive instinct and willingness to sit in the drivers seat.

Maybe go back a few months and read this post again. The Leadership Moment Quota. See how smooth it is?

 

Is Monogamy Making You Unhaaaaappy?

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-sad-man-thinking-image6749199I periodically get asked if monogamy is natural. Usually the asker is bored in their marriage, looking for the loophole justifying cheating and nothing I seem to say pleases them.

If I say it is natural they refuse to let me exit the conversation until I admit there is a volume of evidence suggesting it’s not natural.

If I say it’s not natural, they seem to think that I’m a charlatan for writing in a way that is pro-monogamy.

If I say it’s a mixture of the two, they start insisting that an adaptive strategy like swinging mixing the two is the way to go.

If I’m tired and grumpy and say they just want me to grant them permission to cheat, they tend to get offended.

So…

Rather than by starting with debating whether or not monogamy is natural, let’s start with stating what is natural.

What is natural is the creation of long-term pair bonds between two people. It’s very natural that couples seek each other out, find each other acceptable as mates, start building a nest together, pop out some kids and raise them. It takes a long time to get a baby human to adulthood and pair-bonded parents generally speaking are the default setting for human history. This is, if you like, the Beta Strategy.

However what is also natural is seeking out opportunistic sex with those not pair-bonded to you. In the opportunistic sex method, men seek out as many partners as possible to maximize spreading their genes into the next generation. Women seek out the best possible partner for opportunistic sex, to thereby get the best possible genes added to theirs to spread them into the next generation. This would be the Alpha Strategy.

These two natural strategies lie in a dynamic tension with each other. It’s a gross simplification, but a lot of what I’ve written over the years is a way to play the Beta Strategy, by consciously augmenting it with elements of the Alpha one. I.e., being someone your pair bonded partner would also desire to have opportunistic sex with if they weren’t your partner.

Now while that’s all natural, monogamy isn’t.

Monogamy is an agreement that everyone needs to play nice and do the Beta Strategy. That agreement can be as mild as a social contract of manners and expectations, or it can be enforceable by the death penalty. It’s a sort of collective sexual strategy that makes a lot of good sense on a societal level, but can for more opportunistically motivated people, seem to be rather stifling.

If you’re playing the Alpha Strategy heavily, you tend to expend a lot of effort to get sex. It’s high risk as well. It may work out amazing, or it may turn into a Jerry Springer episode of fist-fights and paternity testing drama. It takes up a lot of resources to play Alpha all the time.

If you’re playing the Beta Strategy, you tend to expend more effort on non-sexual things, like amassing wealth and maximizing your investment into the kids.

If you’re in a position of power in your country, getting as many people as possible playing the Beta Strategy is a fantastic idea. It helps create a stable population who do all kinds of productive, functional work to develop your country. The Beta Strategy people go to work in the morning even when they feel shitty and they don’t clog up the jails. The Alpha Strategy people though, they’re a pain in the ass.

Let’s be honest here, you want to live in a country where everyone else plays by the Beta Strategy rules. It’s pretty darn awesome. Safe, secure, non-violent, productive and… and… and…

But there’s one small, itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie problem.

Monogamy as a social contract, does exactly what it intends to do. It works exactly as advertised. You’re getting what you signed up for.

Seriously now, go check the fine print.

All that was promised was a functional, stable, family unit and a day job. You’re imagining the clause about cock exploding into vagina while two bodies writhe together like they are being Tasered. If you both want that, you have to Alpha up. You have to develop the side of you that would do well in the opportunistic sexual market place.

In that sense, what I write about is a mixed strategy, trying to take what you can from the best of both strategies. Which I guess is getting to the place where the swingers want to chime in, so let’s do it. In terms of whether something is natural or not, purposely allowing another person to have sex with someone you’re pair bonded to, is about the least natural thing in the world. The most natural thing in the world is to try and kill them. It requires a huge degree of socialization to be a swinger, so let’s not pretend that it’s all wondrous and natural. There may well have been Sex at Dawn, but there would also have been Killing at Dusk too.

So no, monogamy is not natural. But that doesn’t mean it’s without value. Jennifer and I often talk about how peaceful and relaxed our family life is compared to many others we know. No step-kids, no ex-husbands or ex-wives, no 3rd or 4th set of grandparents, no stepping around how Christmas works because five different families have to be involved. It’s quite lovely. It’s also time and energy efficient and I couldn’t have written MMSL without that as a structural factor in my life. I’d just have been too busy with family stuff.

The core of the issue is that we’re just not perfectly adapted for a modern civilization. We do all kinds of things that aren’t natural but we still think they are a good idea and worth tempering our natural instincts. Some non-natural things that spring to mind…

Flushing Toilets.

The Rule of Law.

The Internet.

Birth Control.

Private Property.

Electric Power.

Powered Flight.

International Soccer Matches.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

So let me flip the question around on you a little. If we assume your partner isn’t in some way broken or objectively defective, they love you and are a generally willing sexual partner, is it possible that the problem isn’t monogamy, or you being married, but simply that you aren’t being as Alpha as you want to think you are. Which is to say, maybe you’re boring. If you’re bored with yourself, your partner is probably bored with you too.

One of the things that people I coach keep telling me in moments of self-realization is that, “The MAP really isn’t about sex is it? It’s really about just being a better person, about doing what you want to do with your life. That’s what’s attractive!” It’s usually right after this revelation that they find themselves having the best sex of their lives.

It’s a big world. I’m pretty sure there are still some achievements left for you to unlock.

20 Completely Arbitrary Rules For Being a Good Dad

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-father-daughter-beach-little-looking-ocean-morning-image310697201.  Be a dad, as opposed to mom’s helper.

2.  Every dad needs to be able to do an impression of a completely fearsome creature, that can be defeated by a four-year-old.

3.  If you have no clue what to do at home, you’d be surprised how often ordering Chinese food for dinner solves 75% of the problem.

4.  Your kids have a need to be proud of you. That thing that makes them proud, is probably that thing you stopped doing to spend more time with the kids.

5.  Know that the best moments in your kid’s life, are typically preceded by the words, “Don’t tell your mother.”

6.  Accept that you’re probably going to screw up being a dad at some point. All you can do is your best, and hope that one day it was enough, and you’ll be forgiven.

7.  Know that when you were little, your father was totally faking it. He had no clue what he was doing with you. Yet you thought he was amazing.

8.  Small naughty children are like Klingons. Speak to them as such, and they respond so much better. Come here now. Put toys away.

9.  Go to your kids’ parent teacher nights and the other school stuff like their plays and sports events. Yes they can be painfully boring, but you being there is important to them.

10. Part of your job is to let your kids take risks and fail. Life isn’t always fair, or easy, or simple. Sometimes the best teacher is a bad outcome. It’s your job to let them get hurt, but not injured. It’s your job to let them get embarrassed, but not ashamed. It’s your job to let them get anxious, but not fearful.

11. Have a good marriage. In a world of divorce, you’d be surprised how seriously kids appreciate that you’re still together.

12. Show the kids how to do stuff. Almost anything counts.

13. You should treat the kids all the same in a general sense, but different kids have different needs, so you’re going to have to treat them differently too.

14. Play ball inside the house. The kids are more valuable than the things that can be broken.

15. You do a vastly better job at defeating under the bed monsters than mom ever will.

16. Wear the dumb crap they bought you for your birthday, if only during the party.

17. If your kid does something good, put it on display on the fridge. When you take it down, keep it all in a secret stash somewhere.

18. Realize that half the time your kids are hanging out and watching sports with you, or whatever it is you’re into, your kids aren’t really into it. They’re just not opposed to it and are here just to hang out with you.

19. Tell them the stories from when you were little, about your dad.

20. Say you love them.

Jennifer is Back on the Sauce

So we’re in the grocery store, and I’m HUNGRY. I’m doing that slightly light-headed grabbing of everything tasty and fun and tossing it into the shopping cart.

I’m in trying new things mode.

Oh wow. Smokey garlic onion sauce.

That sounds delicious. Yes please.

Jennifer: “Oh, that sounds nice.”

Athol: “It does.”

Jennifer: “What I miss though is A1 Steak Sauce.”

Athol: “Oh, I didn’t know they stopped making it.”

Then I gaze down and literally stare right at a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce. Now I’m trying to  comprehend why Jennifer misses something that is obviously still available to buy, and is also inexpensive. It’s even on sale. WTF is happening?

Athol: “It’s right here, if you want it, you can have it you know.”

Jennifer:

Athol: “So…. why don’t you buy it anymore?”

Jennifer: “Well you hazed me about it.”

Athol: “I did?”

Jennifer: “Yeah.”

Athol: “Oh.”

And…. hmmm… I don’t recall hazing her about it. Maybe some light teasing though. Okay so let’s not quibble about a few times she may have made mistakes with condiments. That’s all He Said, She Went Bloop Bloop Bloop. We’ll never really be able to assign actual blame. I’m pretty sure any hazing she mentioned was horribly overstated based on her sensitive feminine nature.

It’s roughly at this point I recall that I haven’t seen a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce in my house for… ah… well since the old house and we moved in 2006, so according to the math, I’m an asshole.

Athol: “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you not eat something you liked. I feel terrible.”

Jennifer: “It’s okay.”

And off we went down the aisle, steak sauce gently nestled in the cart like the prodigal son back in his old bed. I really do feel bad about it.

But seriously now, I like to think Jennifer and I communicate pretty well. If we can miss these things, anyone can miss these things. Life is too short to miss out on the stuff you want. If you like things, you may as well enjoy them no matter what your partner feels about them. (Assuming it doesn’t have a direct negative affect on them of course.)

It’s not like I have to eat A1 Steak Sauce if she eats it. And in case someone thinks this post was sponsored by A1 Steak Sauce, please be assured that I think it should have a large warning label attached to it saying, “WARNING! Tastes like bovine rectum juice.”

 

So anyway…

what are you holding back on enjoying because of your partner?

 

 

Forum Upgraded, Gold Memberships Now Available

For those that haven’t followed the forum update, about a week ago we rolled out the upgrade, all going smoothly…

The Gold membership level is for forum members who want to more actively and seriously work on their MAPs, with a core group of people who want to do the same thing. The expectations of the Gold members and areas are higher when it comes to being positive and productive. Everyone is here to challenge each other and to support each other. It’s not a place to try for cheap laughs at your fellow member’s expense, or simply to be embittered about your lot in life. You come to apply yourself and the pleasure comes from the successes of your friends as much as your successes.

A primary difference of the Gold Category areas is that they are hidden from the view of the rest of the forum, and from the internet at large. Only Gold members and the moderators have access to see them. This creates a better degree of privacy for the primary purpose of blocking out trolls, the simply bored, the bad tempered and those seeking to simply act as armchair quarterbacks without running their own MAPs.

The categories…

Gold – Running My MAP

This is somewhat similar to the Free/Silver category of the same name, but instead of simply announcing at random when you have made progress on your MAP, there’s a tighter focus. We have far more of an expectation that you are going to keep it updated and are actively seeking advice / confirmation on what you should do next.

It is an expectation, bordering on requirement, that all Gold members have their own thread in the Running My MAP category.

Three Monkeys Monday

On Mondays, you update your personal MAP thread with your progress for the week. A simple and easy format is the Three Monkeys approach. Each week you announce your Three Monkeys – the three things you intend to work on this week – and update how the last week’s Three Monkeys worked out. Then the rest of the Gold members can offer advice, support and encouragement on meeting those goals.

There’s no explicit requirement that you do this actually on Monday, your personal schedule may preclude it, but the concept is that once a week you talk about your Three Monkeys and are held accountable to your actions.

@BrianC and @Serenity are assigned moderators to this category.

Gold – Men’s Room and Women’s Room.

There are a male only category and a female only category in the Gold area. These categories are hidden from the view of the opposite sex. The challenge for these categories is to find ways to be supportive of the ways both sexes can Game each other in a positive and fun way. It’s not about splitting up into two camps and complaining about the other. We don’t do gender warfare in the Gold areas.

There are a reasonably large number of couples on the forum and the Men’s and Women’s rooms provide a way to get advice about positively Gaming your spouse, without them knowing exactly what is coming. It’s about finding ways to surprise and delight the other. It’s about how to build attraction, without them knowing exactly what is coming.

Likewise if you are single, it’s still the place to get explicit encouragement and advice about becoming more attractive and getting into the dating market.

If the Gold – Running My MAP category is more active at the start of the week, the Men’s and Women’s rooms become more active toward the end of the week. The common theme is “how do I win the weekend?” “How do I get a +1 experience with my partner this weekend?”

@Monkeys_Uncle is assigned to the Men’s Room and @Maria is assigned to the Women’s Room as moderators.

Gold – The Fungeon

The Fungeon is a place where members are able to ask far more explicit and direct questions about sexuality. One of the core ideas behind MMSL is that very often with couples there is an underlying power dynamic where men enjoy sexual dominance and women enjoy sexual submission. That dynamic can be tapped for its erotic potential and can result in sizzling sexual experiences, but there is also a risk of missteps and to be blunt, some people just want to twist MMSL into a justification for sexually abusive actions. Or they simply get off on talking about it and playing the role of “I’m sexually freaky on the Internet” without actually living it.

The Fungeon is intended as an introductory area to start exploring some of the power exchanges, without becoming threatening, ignoring consent or becoming dangerous to either party. Or more simply, the emphasis is on fun, rather than pain. Hence The FUNgeon.

Some explicit limits of this category are:

No pushing people into subspace, “non-consensual consent”, rape scenarios or activities requiring a safeword.

No potentially injurious things like knifeplay, physical suspensions, airway blockages, etc.

No games with blood, urine or fecal matter.

These rules may seem restrictive to some, but again, it’s aimed at people exploring these dynamics as an introductory place. It’s not Fetlife.

@Angeline is the moderator for The Fungeon.

The Four Different Gold Memberships

Because there’s a Men Only and a Women Only category, there are automatically two different types of Gold Memberships…one for men and one for women.

There’s also what we call a “Zen Garden” option where nearly the entire rest of the forum is hidden from the view of the Gold Member. This is great for those that want to be free from the sense of noise and mental distraction the rest of the forum can create. It’s surprisingly peaceful and focusing. If you want to get the sense of focus being a Gold Member brings, but don’t want to be sucked into a giant forum and start feeling like you’re caught in a time sink, the Zen Garden option is for you.

Thus there are in fact four Gold Membership types: Gold Men, Gold Women, Gold Men Zen Garden and Gold Women Zen Garden.

Please note it requires a manual switch by a moderator to set or change your membership type.

Becoming a Gold Member

Once you have signed up for a normal free membership, you can upgrade to the Gold Membership.

Gold Memberships are paid for by subscriptions via PayPal. It is remarkably easy to set up a PayPal account and link a credit card to it. We never get to see your credit card information.

Monthly subscriptions are $19.99

Three Month subscriptions are $49.99

Annual subscriptions are $149.99

You can unsubscribe at any time and there are links to do so on your member profile page.

If you wish to change a subscription to a different time period, you need to unsubscribe from your current subscription plan and then subscribe to the new one.

Please note that membership subscriptions are not refundable, even if you are banned from the forum.

Gold Member Couples

MMSL is extremely couple friendly and as such, if you identify as a couple, the one subscription fee covers both of you as Gold Members. It’s obviously just going to take some minor communication with Jennifer as to who each of you are on the forum after you sign up.

And again, because it’s pushing the forum software to the limit, it requires a manual switch by a moderator to set or change your membership type. We activate memberships and make changes as quickly as possible, but it’s likely to be a few hours. If for some reason 12-24 hours goes by without a response after your payment, please contact Jennifer Kay.

Also if your email address you give PayPal is different to the forum email, please message Jennifer below and tell her who you are!





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Three Months $49.99




Annual $149.99


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