Why Being Asshole Alpha Works For About Six Months

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-man-woman-dating-restaurant-image19636044One of the biggest frustrations I’ve had over the last five years, is watching the endless parade of guys get all excited about becoming Alpha,  getting about six months of great success from it, then nose diving their relationship into the ground.

If you’ve been deficient in Alpha and failing to attract your wife, adding Alpha is pretty much always going to be a good idea. But just like all the standard “Blue Pill” advice assumes there’s already attraction in place and then advises to be more Beta, all the “Red Pill” advice assumes there’s already enough relationship comfort in place and advises to increase the Alpha. If you go all Alpha and neglect the Beta, eventually you run her Relationship Comfort down far enough to damage the relationship.

Alpha and Beta are two completely different traits. You have to get over this idea that Alpha and Beta are at oppositional to each other or you’ll eventually screw your relationship up. You can do behaviors that are highly Alpha / Attractive / Dopamine stimulating AND highly Beta / Comforting / Oxytocin stimulating. Something like going to a really nice restaurant and having a wonderful conversation with her can be both Alpha and Beta. There are all kinds of ways to Display High Value in your dress, your car, choosing to take her to a new restaurant as a novel experience, and your confident casual frame. That’s all Alpha. But you’re also paying individual attention to her, being emotionally connective, touching her and so on. All Beta. It’s completely possible to do both.

It’s also possible to do things that are so crappy that they drive down both her attraction and relationship comfort at the same time. For example, smelling like you’re unaware of the existence of toilet paper is a great relationship ender.

The trap is that most guys discover the importance of Alpha, after a prolonged period of being Low Alpha and High Beta in their relationships. So they arrive with a stockpile of Relationship Comfort and a shortage of Attraction. Thus those early improvements in being Alpha result in fairly immediate success. She’s relived and excited to be attracted to him again/more, and even if he’s being a little less attentive and Beta, he’s still got a huge stockpile of Beta credit to pay with.

But after about six months of now acting High Alpha, Low Beta… he’s pretty much spent down the stockpile of Beta credit. Then she starts getting really hurt and pissed off at him.

The point of critical failure comes around the six month mark where he misreads a Loyalty Test as a Fitness Test. A Loyalty Test is based on her fears he’s not that into her and a Fitness Test is based on her lack of respect for him. Thus if she acts out a little to see if he actually cares about her (Loyalty Test), and he responds to that like she’s rude, spoiled and demanding, (Fitness Test) the results are going to be quite negative. It’s an easy mistake to make because being more Alpha was successfully passing all the Fitness Tests she was throwing at him before now. Once you have an hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Worse still, these critical points of failure can come when he’s bankrupted himself on the Beta front. Which is why suddenly the wife that was hot to trot just a few weeks ago, is suddenly shutting down sexually. That shutting down could be anything from no sex at all, minimal sex, duty sex, starfishing, drinking in order to have sex, reducing it all to very vanilla sex, no BJ’s yada yada yada.

If you’re in that position, it’s usually fixable, but you’re sure as hell going to have to offer up some apologies and the worse you bankrupted the Beta, the longer it’s going to take to make her feel comfortable being in a relationship with you. If you confuse being Alpha with being a full-time asshole, you’re going to have to eventually change that if you want to stay happily married.

It’s all about the calibration. Be  consistently Alpha to keep attracting her, be consistently Beta to make her feel comfortable she’s attracted to you.

Comments

  1. Charlotte says:

    Very true. I do cringe a bit when I read articles advising men to crank up the Alpha in ways that will ultimately damage the relationship. There are a few bloggers out that who really give me the impression that they’ve begun handing out advice without first having much experience with women. There are plenty of generalities that can be made about female nature, but an experienced man would quickly realize how overly simplistic the “you give her more alpha/she gives you more sex” formula is.

  2. Delichon says:

    Athol: To build a house, you’ll need a hammer, a saw, a crowbar, a drill, (an exhaustive list of 39 items) You;ll need a plan, you’ll have to allocate time, you’ll bang your fingers a couple of times, it happens…

    An unnamed reader: Wow-wow-wow, slow down! This sounds like a lot of work. How about this: I get a hammer, and then I sit around and bitch that all wood planks in the world have grown to be too crooked to build a house with my hammer, that my great-great-granddad never needed anything BUT the hammer to build his house and that living in a house is overrated anyway! Sounds like a plan?

    (sorry, feeling a little bit caustic in the morning)

  3. How can you tell the difference between a loyalty test and a fitness test? Any clues? Great article with great advice!

  4. If a man has been primarily Beta, and steps up to being Alpha, and maintains this for 6 months plus, while maintaining Beta provider duties, perhaps the issue is that the woman has not stepped up her game accordingly…

  5. Johnny Caustic says:

    Agree with you about needing to balance Alpha with a proportional amount of Nice Provider.

    But do you have a rule of thumb for distinguishing a “Loyalty Test” from a “Fitness Test”?

  6. While dating I had several women throw Loyalaty Tests at me; failed them all since the women hadn’t given me enough relationship comfort. In each case , I saw their actions as “Now I’ve found a real man.” Drove them crazy as my response was to hang around in case the other guy dumped them. Which did happen, but the women showed no interest in me. So, when advising women, you need to consider this too. Dread game againist a man who doesn’t consider you attractive will just cause emotional withdrawal (or possibly physical withdrawal.)

  7. Joe Commenter says:

    “”Something like going to a really nice restaurant and having a wonderful conversation with her can be both Alpha and Beta. There are all kinds of ways to Display High Value in your dress, your car, choosing to take her to a new restaurant as a novel experience, and your confident casual frame.””

    Ya and a lot of beta guys will screw up the alpha bit too, by taking what could be an alpha occasion and ruining it. “honey I want to take you to a nice restaurant and be your king. Where should we go? Do you want Italian or American? What time should we leave honey? Do I look OK? Is my shirt the right color? Do you think it will be too crowded at 7PM? Should I make a reservation?”” I speak from experience. An alpha move done in a beta way is not good.

    Took me a bit to realize that there is a lot of theatrics involved with the whole alpha thing. Now it’s more like “Be ready at 7 on Saturday. We are stepping out. Wear something that shows me what you’ve got”.

  8. TheatreMommy says:

    Men! This is gold.

  9. Correction to my comment above: should not read “who doesn’t consider you attractive”, but instead “who doesn’t think you consider HIM attractive”.

  10. My penultimate romance was like that…from her point of view! I was an omega with very good Outcome Indifference (Omega because while most of my behavior was beta, I had given up on it working; the most I’d ever have in a relationship with a woman was temporary FWB (at least with her, FWB was better than just friends, which it had not been in my first FWB).

  11. GreatGatz says:

    Where’s this beta credit crap come from? Under that logic you could be fully alpha (whatever that means) for six months, then fully beta for another six, then back to alpha etc while you build and lose respective ‘stockpiles’. It’s nonsense.

    The whole red pill idea is to see through a feminised version of reality and develop into a man who holds his own frame/reality and brings a woman into it. In an LTR you gotta establish a constant frame and maintain it. Keep the mystery going, tease all the time, be cocky, disappear for a few days (business trip etc), be there for her but in a solid alpha oak tree way, ie in your own frame’s way.

  12. Auntie Phem says:

    > “In an LTR you gotta establish a constant frame and maintain it. Keep the mystery going, tease all the time, be cocky, disappear…”

    A man who has to be that constantly and consciously “in control” has no control.

    Being yourself does not mean constantly figuring out what YOU have to do to bed and keep HER.

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