When You Feel Like You Married the Wrong Person

There’s always some point in your marriage when you find yourself waking up in the morning next to your not-soulmate. It’s natural to start to wonder if you even should have married them in the first place. It’s tempting to just want out, not even to be with someone else, just to simply be free of ever having to look at them again.

But in the face of a lack of significant personality defects, abuse or cheating, leaving them simply because you feel unhappy is one of those deeply conflicting questions.

i.e. “My wife is an alcoholic and can’t keep a job” is a very different situation than “my wife is lacking some girl game”, or “what’s with all these hair products everywhere?”

Some of the questions you have to ask are …

(1) Whether or not you’re screwing up the situation yourself, and just dealing with a sub-optimal relationship you can improve.

(2) Whether you’re simply expecting too much of any one person in a relationship.

(3) Whether you’re struggling through some stresses external to the relationship, which are making the relationship harder, but aren’t precisely their fault (or even your exact fault)

(4) Whether you’re still hurt by Critical Moments of Neglect by your partner and holding onto the anger etc.

I’ve had instances of all four of those factors with Jennifer.

(1) I bumbled along for years not knowing about Alpha and Beta stuff, and changing some of the things I did made positive changes. Things on this front were never terrible, but they are significantly better now. We’ve also do a lot of different things in the bedroom now than we did before.

(2) Jen is very soft, quiet, gentle, peaceful, forgiving, trusting and yielding… and at times that is something I experience as horribly under-stimulating. I now consciously create a lifestyle for myself where I have more stimulation. Part of the reason I wrote MMSL was it was something to do that was high-stim. I can’t expect Jen to provide all that for me. Likewise she is more conscious that I get bored faster than she does. We have a better balance with this now.

(3) Being broke sucks. She was stressed out a lot. Not sexy.

(4) There have been a handful of miscommunications and major incidents where I got seriously hurt and some took a couple years to work through.

At the end of the day, Jennifer loves me like no other person on earth does. But she’s not my magical soulmate where everything is perfect and we don’t have to consciously work at our relationship. She’s my wife. It’s not like I’m a perfect match for her either.

Thankfully in most cases, when you just have a background sense of vague unhappiness, without some kind of clearly dysfunctional spouse to work around, things can get remarkably better once you start working on improving your life and marriage on a conscious level.

It really can get better.

Comments

  1. threeLegDog says:

    ugh… all 4 points have “you” in them. so blue pill.

    Let’s flip it around then….

    So you’re cool with the idea that if one day your partner is unhaaaaappppy with you, that they should just head to the nearest lawyer rather than engaging in any kind of self-reflection. That if they look at you and realize you’re not their soulmate, they should just Eat Pray Love and move on?

    Really? No self-reflection at all that they may be part of the problem? Because self-reflection is stupid?

  2. “Let’s flip it around then….

    So you’re cool with the idea that if one day your partner is unhaaaaappppy with you, that they should just head to the nearest lawyer rather than engaging in any kind of self-reflection. That if they look at you and realize you’re not their soulmate, they should just Eat Pray Love and move on?”

    What? Where are you inferring this from the original post? I re-read it a couple of times to be sure there wasn’t anything I was missing and it sure seems that the gist of this post is “try to work through your issues in good faith”, not “Eat-Pray-Love-Frivorce the first moment you feel a twinge of unhappiness”.

    I know that MMSL is at its core a self-improvement resource for men, and by virtue of that, this type of post is implicitly advising men to take the lead and solve the problems, but taking charge of your own lot in life is really a staple of “red-pill” thinking everywhere. To be honest though, I think the advice of “examine and work at your issues” is good advice for both parties in a relationship, and I think it’s intended for both parties as well.

    I think you missed that the bolded reply to the above comment was mine – Athol

  3. Or when you realize that you grabbed the one at hand instead of trying for better… (turned out pretty good, but sometimes…)

  4. Athol – I did miss that. Sorry for sounding like a moron! I’ll keep that in mind that bolding is your commentary when I comment here.

  5. Changed_Man says:

    Not everything fits in nice, neat little red-pill or blue-pill boxes.

    Besides the instinctive, (lizard) part of our brains, we our cognitive and emotive beings, which cause us to do some equally (or often worse) whack shit. While these parts are often at war, they’re not mutually exclusive… fixate on one ideology and you rationalize your mate’s behavior (or your own) at your peril.

    Seriously, people spend waaaay too much time and energy looking for evidence that Athol has ‘sold out’. His message has been consistent from day one… personal accountability and self-checking FTW.

  6. This was so true in my marriage. When my husband was low T and was never interested in sex, I found myself spending a lot of time thinking about the ‘If Only’s’.

    Once we found MMSL and started intentionally designing our marriage, it got so much better.

    I wish I had known 8 years ago what I know now, but at least we’re making up for lost time. ; )

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