Why Being Asshole Alpha Works For About Six Months

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-images-man-woman-dating-restaurant-image19636044One of the biggest frustrations I’ve had over the last five years, is watching the endless parade of guys get all excited about becoming Alpha,  getting about six months of great success from it, then nose diving their relationship into the ground.

If you’ve been deficient in Alpha and failing to attract your wife, adding Alpha is pretty much always going to be a good idea. But just like all the standard “Blue Pill” advice assumes there’s already attraction in place and then advises to be more Beta, all the “Red Pill” advice assumes there’s already enough relationship comfort in place and advises to increase the Alpha. If you go all Alpha and neglect the Beta, eventually you run her Relationship Comfort down far enough to damage the relationship.

Alpha and Beta are two completely different traits. You have to get over this idea that Alpha and Beta are at oppositional to each other or you’ll eventually screw your relationship up. You can do behaviors that are highly Alpha / Attractive / Dopamine stimulating AND highly Beta / Comforting / Oxytocin stimulating. Something like going to a really nice restaurant and having a wonderful conversation with her can be both Alpha and Beta. There are all kinds of ways to Display High Value in your dress, your car, choosing to take her to a new restaurant as a novel experience, and your confident casual frame. That’s all Alpha. But you’re also paying individual attention to her, being emotionally connective, touching her and so on. All Beta. It’s completely possible to do both.

It’s also possible to do things that are so crappy that they drive down both her attraction and relationship comfort at the same time. For example, smelling like you’re unaware of the existence of toilet paper is a great relationship ender.

The trap is that most guys discover the importance of Alpha, after a prolonged period of being Low Alpha and High Beta in their relationships. So they arrive with a stockpile of Relationship Comfort and a shortage of Attraction. Thus those early improvements in being Alpha result in fairly immediate success. She’s relived and excited to be attracted to him again/more, and even if he’s being a little less attentive and Beta, he’s still got a huge stockpile of Beta credit to pay with.

But after about six months of now acting High Alpha, Low Beta… he’s pretty much spent down the stockpile of Beta credit. Then she starts getting really hurt and pissed off at him.

The point of critical failure comes around the six month mark where he misreads a Loyalty Test as a Fitness Test. A Loyalty Test is based on her fears he’s not that into her and a Fitness Test is based on her lack of respect for him. Thus if she acts out a little to see if he actually cares about her (Loyalty Test), and he responds to that like she’s rude, spoiled and demanding, (Fitness Test) the results are going to be quite negative. It’s an easy mistake to make because being more Alpha was successfully passing all the Fitness Tests she was throwing at him before now. Once you have an hammer, everything looks like a nail.

Worse still, these critical points of failure can come when he’s bankrupted himself on the Beta front. Which is why suddenly the wife that was hot to trot just a few weeks ago, is suddenly shutting down sexually. That shutting down could be anything from no sex at all, minimal sex, duty sex, starfishing, drinking in order to have sex, reducing it all to very vanilla sex, no BJ’s yada yada yada.

If you’re in that position, it’s usually fixable, but you’re sure as hell going to have to offer up some apologies and the worse you bankrupted the Beta, the longer it’s going to take to make her feel comfortable being in a relationship with you. If you confuse being Alpha with being a full-time asshole, you’re going to have to eventually change that if you want to stay happily married.

It’s all about the calibration. Be  consistently Alpha to keep attracting her, be consistently Beta to make her feel comfortable she’s attracted to you.

If You Wanna Go Fast… Add Beta

I was digging around on YouTube and found this gem of an interview of Sir Jackie Stewart from 1971.

It’s a discussion on how to take a corner at Monaco – the most unforgiving Formula 1 circuit in the world. It’s interesting enough if you’re into motorsport, then about two thirds of the way into it I suddenly realized he’s talking about the motorsport equivalent of Beta.

 

 

And if you want to see a lap of Monaco back in the day…

 

And again, this is about adding Beta, assuming you already have the Alpha in place. You still have to have the assertive instinct and willingness to sit in the drivers seat.

Maybe go back a few months and read this post again. The Leadership Moment Quota. See how smooth it is?

 

Is Monogamy Making You Unhaaaaappy?

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-sad-man-thinking-image6749199I periodically get asked if monogamy is natural. Usually the asker is bored in their marriage, looking for the loophole justifying cheating and nothing I seem to say pleases them.

If I say it is natural they refuse to let me exit the conversation until I admit there is a volume of evidence suggesting it’s not natural.

If I say it’s not natural, they seem to think that I’m a charlatan for writing in a way that is pro-monogamy.

If I say it’s a mixture of the two, they start insisting that an adaptive strategy like swinging mixing the two is the way to go.

If I’m tired and grumpy and say they just want me to grant them permission to cheat, they tend to get offended.

So…

Rather than by starting with debating whether or not monogamy is natural, let’s start with stating what is natural.

What is natural is the creation of long-term pair bonds between two people. It’s very natural that couples seek each other out, find each other acceptable as mates, start building a nest together, pop out some kids and raise them. It takes a long time to get a baby human to adulthood and pair-bonded parents generally speaking are the default setting for human history. This is, if you like, the Beta Strategy.

However what is also natural is seeking out opportunistic sex with those not pair-bonded to you. In the opportunistic sex method, men seek out as many partners as possible to maximize spreading their genes into the next generation. Women seek out the best possible partner for opportunistic sex, to thereby get the best possible genes added to theirs to spread them into the next generation. This would be the Alpha Strategy.

These two natural strategies lie in a dynamic tension with each other. It’s a gross simplification, but a lot of what I’ve written over the years is a way to play the Beta Strategy, by consciously augmenting it with elements of the Alpha one. I.e., being someone your pair bonded partner would also desire to have opportunistic sex with if they weren’t your partner.

Now while that’s all natural, monogamy isn’t.

Monogamy is an agreement that everyone needs to play nice and do the Beta Strategy. That agreement can be as mild as a social contract of manners and expectations, or it can be enforceable by the death penalty. It’s a sort of collective sexual strategy that makes a lot of good sense on a societal level, but can for more opportunistically motivated people, seem to be rather stifling.

If you’re playing the Alpha Strategy heavily, you tend to expend a lot of effort to get sex. It’s high risk as well. It may work out amazing, or it may turn into a Jerry Springer episode of fist-fights and paternity testing drama. It takes up a lot of resources to play Alpha all the time.

If you’re playing the Beta Strategy, you tend to expend more effort on non-sexual things, like amassing wealth and maximizing your investment into the kids.

If you’re in a position of power in your country, getting as many people as possible playing the Beta Strategy is a fantastic idea. It helps create a stable population who do all kinds of productive, functional work to develop your country. The Beta Strategy people go to work in the morning even when they feel shitty and they don’t clog up the jails. The Alpha Strategy people though, they’re a pain in the ass.

Let’s be honest here, you want to live in a country where everyone else plays by the Beta Strategy rules. It’s pretty darn awesome. Safe, secure, non-violent, productive and… and… and…

But there’s one small, itsy, bitsy, teeny, weenie problem.

Monogamy as a social contract, does exactly what it intends to do. It works exactly as advertised. You’re getting what you signed up for.

Seriously now, go check the fine print.

All that was promised was a functional, stable, family unit and a day job. You’re imagining the clause about cock exploding into vagina while two bodies writhe together like they are being Tasered. If you both want that, you have to Alpha up. You have to develop the side of you that would do well in the opportunistic sexual market place.

In that sense, what I write about is a mixed strategy, trying to take what you can from the best of both strategies. Which I guess is getting to the place where the swingers want to chime in, so let’s do it. In terms of whether something is natural or not, purposely allowing another person to have sex with someone you’re pair bonded to, is about the least natural thing in the world. The most natural thing in the world is to try and kill them. It requires a huge degree of socialization to be a swinger, so let’s not pretend that it’s all wondrous and natural. There may well have been Sex at Dawn, but there would also have been Killing at Dusk too.

So no, monogamy is not natural. But that doesn’t mean it’s without value. Jennifer and I often talk about how peaceful and relaxed our family life is compared to many others we know. No step-kids, no ex-husbands or ex-wives, no 3rd or 4th set of grandparents, no stepping around how Christmas works because five different families have to be involved. It’s quite lovely. It’s also time and energy efficient and I couldn’t have written MMSL without that as a structural factor in my life. I’d just have been too busy with family stuff.

The core of the issue is that we’re just not perfectly adapted for a modern civilization. We do all kinds of things that aren’t natural but we still think they are a good idea and worth tempering our natural instincts. Some non-natural things that spring to mind…

Flushing Toilets.

The Rule of Law.

The Internet.

Birth Control.

Private Property.

Electric Power.

Powered Flight.

International Soccer Matches.

I could go on and on, but you get the picture.

So let me flip the question around on you a little. If we assume your partner isn’t in some way broken or objectively defective, they love you and are a generally willing sexual partner, is it possible that the problem isn’t monogamy, or you being married, but simply that you aren’t being as Alpha as you want to think you are. Which is to say, maybe you’re boring. If you’re bored with yourself, your partner is probably bored with you too.

One of the things that people I coach keep telling me in moments of self-realization is that, “The MAP really isn’t about sex is it? It’s really about just being a better person, about doing what you want to do with your life. That’s what’s attractive!” It’s usually right after this revelation that they find themselves having the best sex of their lives.

It’s a big world. I’m pretty sure there are still some achievements left for you to unlock.

20 Completely Arbitrary Rules For Being a Good Dad

http://www.dreamstime.com/stock-photo-father-daughter-beach-little-looking-ocean-morning-image310697201.  Be a dad, as opposed to mom’s helper.

2.  Every dad needs to be able to do an impression of a completely fearsome creature, that can be defeated by a four-year-old.

3.  If you have no clue what to do at home, you’d be surprised how often ordering Chinese food for dinner solves 75% of the problem.

4.  Your kids have a need to be proud of you. That thing that makes them proud, is probably that thing you stopped doing to spend more time with the kids.

5.  Know that the best moments in your kid’s life, are typically preceded by the words, “Don’t tell your mother.”

6.  Accept that you’re probably going to screw up being a dad at some point. All you can do is your best, and hope that one day it was enough, and you’ll be forgiven.

7.  Know that when you were little, your father was totally faking it. He had no clue what he was doing with you. Yet you thought he was amazing.

8.  Small naughty children are like Klingons. Speak to them as such, and they respond so much better. Come here now. Put toys away.

9.  Go to your kids’ parent teacher nights and the other school stuff like their plays and sports events. Yes they can be painfully boring, but you being there is important to them.

10. Part of your job is to let your kids take risks and fail. Life isn’t always fair, or easy, or simple. Sometimes the best teacher is a bad outcome. It’s your job to let them get hurt, but not injured. It’s your job to let them get embarrassed, but not ashamed. It’s your job to let them get anxious, but not fearful.

11. Have a good marriage. In a world of divorce, you’d be surprised how seriously kids appreciate that you’re still together.

12. Show the kids how to do stuff. Almost anything counts.

13. You should treat the kids all the same in a general sense, but different kids have different needs, so you’re going to have to treat them differently too.

14. Play ball inside the house. The kids are more valuable than the things that can be broken.

15. You do a vastly better job at defeating under the bed monsters than mom ever will.

16. Wear the dumb crap they bought you for your birthday, if only during the party.

17. If your kid does something good, put it on display on the fridge. When you take it down, keep it all in a secret stash somewhere.

18. Realize that half the time your kids are hanging out and watching sports with you, or whatever it is you’re into, your kids aren’t really into it. They’re just not opposed to it and are here just to hang out with you.

19. Tell them the stories from when you were little, about your dad.

20. Say you love them.

Jennifer is Back on the Sauce

So we’re in the grocery store, and I’m HUNGRY. I’m doing that slightly light-headed grabbing of everything tasty and fun and tossing it into the shopping cart.

I’m in trying new things mode.

Oh wow. Smokey garlic onion sauce.

That sounds delicious. Yes please.

Jennifer: “Oh, that sounds nice.”

Athol: “It does.”

Jennifer: “What I miss though is A1 Steak Sauce.”

Athol: “Oh, I didn’t know they stopped making it.”

Then I gaze down and literally stare right at a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce. Now I’m trying to  comprehend why Jennifer misses something that is obviously still available to buy, and is also inexpensive. It’s even on sale. WTF is happening?

Athol: “It’s right here, if you want it, you can have it you know.”

Jennifer:

Athol: “So…. why don’t you buy it anymore?”

Jennifer: “Well you hazed me about it.”

Athol: “I did?”

Jennifer: “Yeah.”

Athol: “Oh.”

And…. hmmm… I don’t recall hazing her about it. Maybe some light teasing though. Okay so let’s not quibble about a few times she may have made mistakes with condiments. That’s all He Said, She Went Bloop Bloop Bloop. We’ll never really be able to assign actual blame. I’m pretty sure any hazing she mentioned was horribly overstated based on her sensitive feminine nature.

It’s roughly at this point I recall that I haven’t seen a bottle of A1 Steak Sauce in my house for… ah… well since the old house and we moved in 2006, so according to the math, I’m an asshole.

Athol: “Oh I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to make you not eat something you liked. I feel terrible.”

Jennifer: “It’s okay.”

And off we went down the aisle, steak sauce gently nestled in the cart like the prodigal son back in his old bed. I really do feel bad about it.

But seriously now, I like to think Jennifer and I communicate pretty well. If we can miss these things, anyone can miss these things. Life is too short to miss out on the stuff you want. If you like things, you may as well enjoy them no matter what your partner feels about them. (Assuming it doesn’t have a direct negative affect on them of course.)

It’s not like I have to eat A1 Steak Sauce if she eats it. And in case someone thinks this post was sponsored by A1 Steak Sauce, please be assured that I think it should have a large warning label attached to it saying, “WARNING! Tastes like bovine rectum juice.”

 

So anyway…

what are you holding back on enjoying because of your partner?

 

 

Forum Upgraded, Gold Memberships Now Available

For those that haven’t followed the forum update, about a week ago we rolled out the upgrade, all going smoothly…

The Gold membership level is for forum members who want to more actively and seriously work on their MAPs, with a core group of people who want to do the same thing. The expectations of the Gold members and areas are higher when it comes to being positive and productive. Everyone is here to challenge each other and to support each other. It’s not a place to try for cheap laughs at your fellow member’s expense, or simply to be embittered about your lot in life. You come to apply yourself and the pleasure comes from the successes of your friends as much as your successes.

A primary difference of the Gold Category areas is that they are hidden from the view of the rest of the forum, and from the internet at large. Only Gold members and the moderators have access to see them. This creates a better degree of privacy for the primary purpose of blocking out trolls, the simply bored, the bad tempered and those seeking to simply act as armchair quarterbacks without running their own MAPs.

The categories…

Gold – Running My MAP

This is somewhat similar to the Free/Silver category of the same name, but instead of simply announcing at random when you have made progress on your MAP, there’s a tighter focus. We have far more of an expectation that you are going to keep it updated and are actively seeking advice / confirmation on what you should do next.

It is an expectation, bordering on requirement, that all Gold members have their own thread in the Running My MAP category.

Three Monkeys Monday

On Mondays, you update your personal MAP thread with your progress for the week. A simple and easy format is the Three Monkeys approach. Each week you announce your Three Monkeys – the three things you intend to work on this week – and update how the last week’s Three Monkeys worked out. Then the rest of the Gold members can offer advice, support and encouragement on meeting those goals.

There’s no explicit requirement that you do this actually on Monday, your personal schedule may preclude it, but the concept is that once a week you talk about your Three Monkeys and are held accountable to your actions.

@BrianC and @Serenity are assigned moderators to this category.

Gold – Men’s Room and Women’s Room.

There are a male only category and a female only category in the Gold area. These categories are hidden from the view of the opposite sex. The challenge for these categories is to find ways to be supportive of the ways both sexes can Game each other in a positive and fun way. It’s not about splitting up into two camps and complaining about the other. We don’t do gender warfare in the Gold areas.

There are a reasonably large number of couples on the forum and the Men’s and Women’s rooms provide a way to get advice about positively Gaming your spouse, without them knowing exactly what is coming. It’s about finding ways to surprise and delight the other. It’s about how to build attraction, without them knowing exactly what is coming.

Likewise if you are single, it’s still the place to get explicit encouragement and advice about becoming more attractive and getting into the dating market.

If the Gold – Running My MAP category is more active at the start of the week, the Men’s and Women’s rooms become more active toward the end of the week. The common theme is “how do I win the weekend?” “How do I get a +1 experience with my partner this weekend?”

@Monkeys_Uncle is assigned to the Men’s Room and @Maria is assigned to the Women’s Room as moderators.

Gold – The Fungeon

The Fungeon is a place where members are able to ask far more explicit and direct questions about sexuality. One of the core ideas behind MMSL is that very often with couples there is an underlying power dynamic where men enjoy sexual dominance and women enjoy sexual submission. That dynamic can be tapped for its erotic potential and can result in sizzling sexual experiences, but there is also a risk of missteps and to be blunt, some people just want to twist MMSL into a justification for sexually abusive actions. Or they simply get off on talking about it and playing the role of “I’m sexually freaky on the Internet” without actually living it.

The Fungeon is intended as an introductory area to start exploring some of the power exchanges, without becoming threatening, ignoring consent or becoming dangerous to either party. Or more simply, the emphasis is on fun, rather than pain. Hence The FUNgeon.

Some explicit limits of this category are:

No pushing people into subspace, “non-consensual consent”, rape scenarios or activities requiring a safeword.

No potentially injurious things like knifeplay, physical suspensions, airway blockages, etc.

No games with blood, urine or fecal matter.

These rules may seem restrictive to some, but again, it’s aimed at people exploring these dynamics as an introductory place. It’s not Fetlife.

@Angeline is the moderator for The Fungeon.

The Four Different Gold Memberships

Because there’s a Men Only and a Women Only category, there are automatically two different types of Gold Memberships…one for men and one for women.

There’s also what we call a “Zen Garden” option where nearly the entire rest of the forum is hidden from the view of the Gold Member. This is great for those that want to be free from the sense of noise and mental distraction the rest of the forum can create. It’s surprisingly peaceful and focusing. If you want to get the sense of focus being a Gold Member brings, but don’t want to be sucked into a giant forum and start feeling like you’re caught in a time sink, the Zen Garden option is for you.

Thus there are in fact four Gold Membership types: Gold Men, Gold Women, Gold Men Zen Garden and Gold Women Zen Garden.

Please note it requires a manual switch by a moderator to set or change your membership type.

Becoming a Gold Member

Once you have signed up for a normal free membership, you can upgrade to the Gold Membership.

Gold Memberships are paid for by subscriptions via PayPal. It is remarkably easy to set up a PayPal account and link a credit card to it. We never get to see your credit card information.

Monthly subscriptions are $19.99

Three Month subscriptions are $49.99

Annual subscriptions are $149.99

You can unsubscribe at any time and there are links to do so on your member profile page.

If you wish to change a subscription to a different time period, you need to unsubscribe from your current subscription plan and then subscribe to the new one.

Please note that membership subscriptions are not refundable, even if you are banned from the forum.

Gold Member Couples

MMSL is extremely couple friendly and as such, if you identify as a couple, the one subscription fee covers both of you as Gold Members. It’s obviously just going to take some minor communication with Jennifer as to who each of you are on the forum after you sign up.

And again, because it’s pushing the forum software to the limit, it requires a manual switch by a moderator to set or change your membership type. We activate memberships and make changes as quickly as possible, but it’s likely to be a few hours. If for some reason 12-24 hours goes by without a response after your payment, please contact Jennifer Kay.

Also if your email address you give PayPal is different to the forum email, please message Jennifer below and tell her who you are!





Monthly $19.99




Three Months $49.99




Annual $149.99


UNSUBSCRIBE From Gold

 

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Let Noobs Die in a Fire

Time for a geeky World of Warcraft post. I’m healing on a Holy Paladin.

Combat begins…

Boss creates completely obvious pool of fire on the ground centered where the Mage, the Hunter and the Warlock are standing.

The Hunter and Warlock scamper out of the fire and take a damage tick.

Mage doesn’t move and just keeps casting Frostbolt at the boss.

Mage takes some damage from the fire.

I cast a Flash of Light at the Mage and top up his health.

I Flash of Light the Hunter and then the Warlock to top up health.

[Jennifer: Just to be clear, I have no idea what any of this means.]

Mage takes some damage from the fire.

Mage keeps casting Frostbolt at the boss.

Holy Light healing the Warrior tanking the boss.

Me: Move out of the fire.

Mage takes some damage from the fire.

Mage keeps casting Frostbolt at the boss.

[Jennifer: Y'all wanted him to blog again.]

I cast Holy Light and top up the Mage’s health.

Holy Light healing the Warrior tanking the boss.

Me: MOVE MAGE

Mage takes some damage from the fire.

Mage keeps casting Frostbolt at the boss.

Holy Light on the Mage.

Mage takes some damage from the fire.

Mage keeps casting Frostbolt at the boss.

Holy Light on the Warrior tanking the boss.

Me: …

[Jennifer: Oh dear god, just skip to the end if you don't play Warcraft. He goes on and on like this for a while.]

Mage falls to 15% health.

Mage: WTF HEAL

Emote: Paladin blows Mage a kiss!

Mage: #&*%**# YOU

Mage dies in the fire.

Holy Light on Warrior.

[Jennifer: Why am I even editing this post at 1am? This whole thing smacks of a Fitness Test.]

Boss killed and looted.

Mage: WHY DON’T YOU LEARN TO PLAY YOU SHITTY HEALER

Me: I’m not going to heal you if you stand in the fire.

Mage: Screw you.

Hmmmm…. challenge accepted.

Requeue for another dungeon hoping the Mage is so desperate for groups he’ll join again.

New group forms. Death Knight is tank.

Mage: The healer is crappy kick him.

Death Knight pulls three packs of trash mobs, tanks easily, I keep everyone up easily.

[Jennifer: Keep going, I'll tell you when to start reading again.]

Mage pulls next pack of mobs.

Death Knight ignores Mage and pulls two other packs.

Much wailing and gnashing of teeth from the Mage as he’s owned by enraged orcs.

Mage: Rez please.

Me: Run back in.

Mage: …

Mage eventually runs back in the front door of the instance and catches up with the group.

Final boss again, combat begins…

Boss creates completely obvious pool of fire on the ground centered where the Mage, the Hunter and the Warlock are standing.

Everyone quickly scampers out of the fire.

 

So… the moral of the story.

[Jennifer: HERE! Start reading here!]

If people don’t respond to talk, let the natural consequences play out and allow their folly to educate them.

Sometimes people have to repeatedly die in a fire before they learn. If you keep helping them, you’re training them to be stupid. And by default to despise you.

Now if you’re a nice person, you probably feel that allowing the lazy and stupid to get owned by their sub-optimal planning, makes you a terrible, terrible person. If that’s the case, you’re probably also confusing the subtle, but important difference between fire extinguishers and flamethrowers. It’s not like you set them on fire.

So…

What dumb shit do you keep rescuing your partner from, that they are completely capable of handling themselves? 

 

Why Being Too Beta Damages Relationship Comfort

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-beautiful-young-caucasian-woman-looking-worried-expression-image30556929One of the most important things in being in a long term relationship is creating a sense of relationship comfort. You create Relationship Comfort by being pleasant, helpful, kind, concerned, affectionate, caring and supportive. These are all Beta Trait behaviors.

Now before someone heads to the comments and starts banging the keyboard with one of those squeaky toy plastic hammers about the importance of Alpha… yes I know. Beta is typically only valued to the extent it is backed up by pre-existent impressions of Alpha Traits creating attraction.

But Alpha and Beta, Attraction and Relationship Comfort, are two completely different love systems you can tweak. Your Alpha and Beta can be high or low independent of each other. It’s not either/or.

So lets talk just about Beta stuff this time around.

A nice recap is The Five Beta Love Languages.

Taking that thought process a little further forward, I’ve noticed an interesting dynamic with the Beta stuff. The purpose of the Beta, is to create a sense of Relationship Comfort. But I’ve also seen a number of guys absolutely shot gunning Beta at their wives, and instead of the wives being supremely comfortable in the relationship, they are actually rather anxious and uncomfortable.

Then when I tell them to reduce their Beta and tone it down, their wives actually start to become more comfortable in the relationship.

So what’s happening?

It’s simple.

It’s the Law of Reciprocity kicking in. When one person does nice things for another person, it generally creates an unstated social obligation to return the favor. So when Mr. SuperBetaManDeluxe does an avalanche of nice things for Mrs. SomewhatAttracted, he’s not just doing nice things for her, he’s also creating a social obligation for her to do nice things for him. Preferably sexual nice things. Ideally to completion and swallowing.

Now this sort of thing is jumped on pretty hard as the guy creating this unspoken Covert Contract. It’s toxic and ineffective. Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

So if her love language is Words of Affirmation, it’s fine to tell her you love her, she looks nice today, thank you for that. But then you don’t also shower her with gifts, try and spend every waking moment with her, run around like her personal service minion and rub her back while dry-humping her leg.

See how that’s all too much? It makes her feel obligated to do all that back to you. And if she’s not wildly attracted to you, she isn’t going to want to.

The potential mistake is to cut off ALL the Beta stuff and focus on upping the Alpha. All that does is switch problems. Typically it looks great for a while, then starts to destabilize.

So the paradox is, while Beta is designed to improve Relationship Comfort, over supplying it actually reduces Relationship Comfort. You still should hit her target of what she actually wants in terms of a love language, just don’t carpet bomb her with cuddles unless she’s into Physical Touch.

Or put more simply: Women are always going to be pleased to be offered their favorite dessert. They don’t want to be force fed five desserts no matter how delicious they are.

A Choice Between Two Blue Pills

If you’re a long time reader, you’ve seen a number of changes in my thought over the years. One of the more important ones is the stepping away from the Red Pill motif. There are a few reasons for that. Thus this all-purpose explanation of why, and why you should too.

The first reason is simple. It’s already trademarked. “Take the Red Pill” is a trademarked phrase and not by me. Thus every effort by me to continue to promote the concept, every dollar earned on that phrase is like the Dwarves of Moria digging ever deeper down into the earth until that fateful day they reach the Balrog. I had no clue it was trademarked before I started writing. Once I figured it out, I groaned inwardly for a couple months and then made changes. No lawsuits involved and that’s about it.

The irony that someone actually owns the phrase should not be lost on those that proudly claim to be “Red Pill” like they are suddenly free from social control. You may as well make “I’m lovin’ it” your personal slogan. That’s trademarked too.

That being said, the Red Pill concept is a mishmash of ideas and that really needs to be talked about. So let’s review the standard Manosphere training footage…

What Morpheus is offering Neo is “the truth”. But it’s a little bit more than that, in that it’s a huge moment of awakening, a huge moment of enlightenment. It’s really more akin to a religious conversion that anything else. As the next scene plays out, Neo is literally born again from an artificial womb, complete with umbilical cords, a placenta, amniotic fluid and what now prophetically looks like an Obamacare drone overseeing it all. Then an opening dilates underneath him and he rides the birth canal out into the real world. YouTube of all that.

Except there’s a huge problem with that as a practical application beyond the metaphor of enlightenment.

In the first movie, there’s a clear version of “Red Pill” reality explained, and a clear version of the “Blue Pill” fantasy. In the real world, humans are living in some kind of shit hole under the earth, which essentially looks like a cross between an aircraft carrier and a prison. Except the food is obviously the product of a committee and a questionable bidding process.

The fantasy world is a city in 1999. This frankly seems really nice, except the horror is that it’s totally wired for high-speed internet and everyone is jacked in with a hard-wire connection in warm comfy wombs. Supposedly the evil machines running the world have found a way to harness the bio-electrical charge of human beings and we’re all a bunch of renewable AA batteries. There’s no explanation given for how the machines get more energy out of us than it takes to care for us though. Also in the third movie there are giant drilling machines and I’m just wondering why geothermal energy wasn’t tapped as a far more convenient option. Just sayin’.

Anyway…

Yay enlightenment. Except if you want to use it as a practical application beyond just using it as a metaphor for enlightenment itself… you have to supply the theoretical framework grounding the philosophy you have been enlightened to.

Putting that more clearly, as an Atheist I could say that when I had my awakening moment of realizing X, Y and Z about Christianity was bogus, I had my Red Pill moment. My eyes were opened. I saw the truth of the lies of the church yada yada yada.

But you could just as easily say that when you become a Christian, and you have your awakening moment of realizing X Y and Z about Christianity being true, that’s when you’re having your Red Pill moment. Your eyes are opened. You see the truth of the bible yada yada yada.

See how chirping “Red Pill” means next to nothing without the context of a philosophy behind it?

I mean for politics, is the correct Red Pill viewpoint democrat, or republican? Or Ron Paul? Or the guys who bury a bus in their backyard and have a five year supply of ammunition and MREs?

Is the Red Pill all the stuff the manosphere talks about… or it is feminism? I mean wasn’t there some moment of stomach churning enlightenment for the first feminists when they visualized for the first time a concept of the patriarchy? Holy crap, those bastards own everything and we don’t even get a say, we’re getting screwed. Sound familiar?

So let me say that again, going “Woo-hoo! Red Pill” means next to nothing without the context of a philosophy behind it. All it means is you’re really excited to have learned something and probably annoying to be trapped in a conversation with at parties.

Now because my thing is relationships, I’m going to explain a little more my own personal philosophy and why I focus on what I focus on in my work.

I see three broad issues affecting relationships and I think they probably have about equal weighting in importance. This is one of those “more of an art than a science” type feelings though.

The first is biological in nature: the whole thing of Body Agenda, your hormones, your neurotransmitters, and the entire neurological construction of the meat computer than is your brain. Your genes. The things men are biologically driven to do, and the things women are biologically driven to do. Or in short, this is the Nature bit of the Nature vs. Nurture argument.

And the second issue is the entire sociological, economic and cultural construct in which we live our lives. Everything from our schooling, to our entertainment, our religious beliefs and science, and possibly more importantly, our laws. All these things affect our relationships. This is the Nurture side of the Nature vs. Nurture argument.

The third area is our individual self-awareness, free thought, ability to choose, logic, self-discipline, personal history and internal moral compass. For lack of a better explanation, Nietzsche is the third candidate in the Nature vs. Nurture debate.

All three general factors are influences on your relationship and life.

If the economy sucks, your life is probably going to be harder. It’s going to be a negative stressor on your relationship. I can’t tell you how many guys have come to MMSL with a troubled marriage and everything stems back to when they lost a job in the economic downturn in 2008, which started a relationship downturn.

But when an individual person or couple comes to me with a relationship problem, the solution I offer them is not advice on fixing the economy, or Red Pill based complaints about gender issues. I simply try and fix the problem.

Don’t misunderstand me here for a minute. I completely understand there are some horrific, stupid, harsh, evil, mindless, shameful social, economic and legal influences on individuals and relationships. Things I’d like to see stopped. But when an individual comes with a problem seeking help, trying to “fix society” as a solution to their individual issue is misguided. All I can really work with is mastering the Nature side of things and the Nietzsche personal growth stuff.

In addition, when it’s a bad relationship that’s at stake, they typically come seeking help at a time of crisis and instability. Thus one of the first things you need to do is stabilize the relationship so it doesn’t just end before any kind of progress is able to be made. One of the best ways of doing that is finding common ground together. Telling the story of how they met. Telling the story of when the kids were born. Telling the story of the house purchase and how the career path was. You triage the relationship and look for the problems.

This is the point where injecting the gender warfare variants (manosphere or feminism) of your personal version of the Red Pill into the mix are incredibly toxic. Suddenly there’s pain, anger, disgust, hatred, or betrayal injected into a system we are trying to stabilize and heal. It’s like having a fist fight break out in the Emergency Room after a car crash. Doesn’t matter who was driving or how fast they were going, now is not the time to debate it.

The final problem with the Red Pill motif as based on The Matrix is even more serious. In the movie there is a fantasy world called The Matrix and there is a real world outside The Matrix with different rules you can escape to.

The reality is though, in our non-movie lives, there is no possibility of escaping from the real Matrix. You can exert some moderate influence over it, but that’s it. From a neurological point of view, your entire experience of reality is minimally different to that of being jacked into the Matrix in the movie. You can be as Red Pill as you like, but you get to experience reality through a Blue Pill physical body. This is why it’s so freaking hard to break Oneitis and why you stare at boobs so much.

The other issue is that you can completely transform society into a paradise, but I can assure you that someone, somewhere, eventually, is going to be some sort of greedy asshole and taking over the whole thing and being a real jerk. In all seriousness, my political hope is that the Evil Overlords aren’t so much deposed, as simply made agreeably competent.

This is why at the end of the final movie, Neo is actively working with the machines, to stabilize the entire system. That stabilizing of the system is the entire purpose of Zion et al. Morpheus offered Neo the Red Pill, promising “only the truth”, but the reality was he didn’t know what the truth was himself. At the time, Morpheus is unaware that he’s puppet for The Oracle – one of the two primary creators of the Matrix itself.

When Neo finally gets to meet the Architect of the Matrix, he makes it clear that even the offering of the choice, is part of the system of control. Or perhaps put more plainly, what Morpheus offers Neo is a Blue Pill… and merely a visually different Blue Pill that requires active participation in the system of control, rather than passive acceptance.

This is why nearly everyone loves the first movie and doesn’t like the second one. The first movie offers a comforting dream that the Matrix can be escaped from. The second movie methodically crushes that dream underfoot.

We are all born into a world with layers of control, expectations, biological urges and deep existential questions. Having a functional and happy sexual relationship really seems to take the edge off a lot of the less pleasant elements of existence.

But functional and happy sexual relationships are systems. There is an ebb and flow of energy between the two sides. Thus you cannot help one, without also helping the other. I started off writing MMSL aiming just to help men, but have seen that at best it’s limited in its effectiveness, even if well intentioned. At its worst, it probably causes damage. After a certain point, the Red Pill motif just doesn’t help much.

As I develop more materials, MMSL will stay a brand targeted at a male audience. But there will also be brands of my material targeted for a co-ed audience and other brands targeted at a female audience. It’s a long road ahead and like The Oracle said, I’m just here to do what I’m here to do. I know some people will think makes me a sell out, betraying men, yada yada yada. I think I’m at peace with that finally.

Phase Four of the MAP is Semi-Random and Can’t be Faked

Something that has become increasingly real to me is that Phase Four is a sudden energy state switch. It’s akin to a religious conversion. There’s a moment where everything suddenly hinges and the relationship changes direction.

I know that sounds horribly woo-woo, but bear with me.

I’ve now seen hundreds to thousands of people really running their MAPs and doing well at it. Getting through the phases and generally doing well. They get fit, they get the money together, the house is cleaner, they dress better… but whatever they are doing has still not worked to create the change in their partner that they want.

There’s always some sort of blockage there and I know to break that blockage, they need at a minimum to get to a Phase Four moment and really state their intentions super firmly and directly. They may need to go beyond Phase Four of course, but you have to go through it to get there.

But no matter how you beg, plead, encourage, push, frown, or whatever… they get to what I call Phase Three Point Nine and stall out. They say they understand they need to get to Phase Four. They talk the talk. They really do get it. I know they get it, but it’s like they are scared of heights and trying to jump out a plane. Can’t do it. Want to do it, but can’t. They get right to the edge of flipping the switch and then turn into emotional rodeo clowns diving for cover.

It used to be really frustrating watching this. It’s still a little frustrating, but not overly so nowadays.

I’ve seen people sit on Phase Three Point Nine for over a year. Some two years. I could say I’m talking to their hamster the whole time, and that would be true, but I get it. It’s really hard. There’s no perfect assurance if you stand up for yourself and demand to be treated right, that your partner will do it. We can try and stack the deck in your favor running the MAP, but that only increases the odds. There’s no magic dice. There’s no “I win” button to push. It feels like upgrading to Windows 8.1, the damn install option pops up at you and in theory it’s meant to be better, but that’s what they said about Windows 8. So, hmmm…

On the other hand, there’s some people in Phase Two or just getting into Phase Three, who still have lots of work to do improving their attractiveness before I’d even suggest a Phase Four. We’re still trying to see if the earlier Phases get through to their partner. Lots more time to go yet…

…and I get the call or email and they went to Phase Four already.

“Hi Athol, well it’s been a weird week. First X happened and it was fine, and I did just what you said, and she did Y and it was okay. Then on Thursday she did [completely screwed up thing for the 23rd time] and I just flipped out at her, but it was this really strange anger where I was [really controlled angry / like I was watching myself in a movie / completely exploded], and I said [super intense statement of what exactly sucked about my partner and how they needed to fix it, or get the hell out].”

This is where I think to myself “Ahhhhh shit, we weren’t ready for this yet.”

Instead I say in my least facepalming voice possible. “So what happened then?”

Most times they say some variant on,”She started bawling her eyes out and saying she was sorry.”

Phew! Well, alright then.

Then at some random point in the future, I’ll hear back from a Phase Three Point Nine person.  About half the time their still orbiting right there where I left them, the other half it seems to be a Phase Four hit at some semi random time. After I all but gave up on them, they moved to Phase Four.

So in some ways you can’t plan for it, because it seems to hit at random, but more likely it’s triggered by something the partner does to set off the emotional cascade that is a real Phase Four moment. But like I said at the start of the post, there’s an energy switch. So you can plan for it in a sense because it seems to require baseline of a sense of positive energy and emotional strength to do it.

Going back to the Four Outcome Matrix, where a relationship in a bad place can only have four outcomes, (1) Toleration, (2) Cheating, (3) Divorce or (4) Improved Relationship. Phase Four is in very real sense, the exact moment you take Toleration off the table. Not just in an intellectual sense, but in an emotional snapping sense, where Toleration of whatever nonsense you have been tolerating, is absolutely no longer an option.

Which is also why it can’t be faked. It has to be real. It has to have that emotional snapping where Toleration is dealt a deathblow. But you can’t get into the mindset where it can happen, until you get your MAP up to speed.