Reader: So I’ve been applying the map and it has been working like a charm so far, but I am noticing that where before my wife seemed a little cold, and uncaring, and indifferent towards me, now she is constantly seeking reassurance, asking me to tell her I love her, etc. I assume that this is a good thing but I also feel like I’m walking a fine line when it comes to her feelings of uncertainty of my love for her, how fragile is this situation, do I buck and start going back to more beta or should I stick with the alpha thing?
Athol: It’s a balancing act. I’d suggest you keep doing what you’re doing on the Alpha front, just add a little more Beta acknowledgment. Mostly you want to avoid the thing where she starts withdrawing from you because she thinks she’s going to get hurt by you dumping her or cheating on her.
The perfect frame is where your wife knows you could replace her fairly easily, but you won’t because she is behaving as you want her to. Regular fun sex, she acts like a grown up, no one is acting out via cheating/abuse, you guys work as a team with you taking the lead. Basically you’re not going to mess up a good relationship or just walk away from it. So as long as she’s a good wife, she should feel safe from being dumped or cheated on.
What’s happened is that it sounds like you’ve moved from Phase One to Phase Three, so the balance of power has swung from her to you. So she’s very nervous now… because in her mind, she can see you progressing to Phase Four, Five, Six and Seven.
So in a sense, she’s waiting for you to drop the Phase Four hammer and make your endgame demands. Which as long as they are the frame I suggested earlier, are going to be good news to her. Your demand is in essence to have a good relationship with her.
You don’t have to have a crazy confrontation conversation, or a big reveal of you running the MAP. You can just draw her attention to it casually. “You seem a little nervous around me lately.” Then your follow up statement to whatever she says is something along the lines of, “I want what I’ve always wanted… lots of sex with you, a stable relationship where we’re both functional adults, and to have fun together. As long as you want to be part of that, I’m not going anywhere.”
As your little conversation ends, say “Don’t doubt my love.” and playfully spank her on the butt with a faux stern look.