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Are Introverts Too Beta?

October 3, 2012 By 34 Comments

Cautiously Pessimistic:  A question occurs to me. Is being an introvert inherently beta? I ask, because I’m on the extreme end of the intro/extroversion scale, and what energizes me generally involves being alone to do my own thing (reading, researching, playing, etc). Being around other people just drains me, unless powerful pharmaceuticals are involved.

Athol:  The short answer is “Yes to some extent.”

I think extroverts get a great advantage in making early ground in becoming socially dominant. While the introverts all sit on the edges of the group and gaze into space thinking deep thoughts, the extroverts take over and make things happen. On balance I think people in leadership positions are going to be more extroverted than introverted. That leadership is Alpha and will have a pull on women’s attention.

However, once in individual relationships, introverts can prove to be amazingly stubborn individuals who insist on getting what they want from the relationship. For an introvert, relationships are valued for their usefulness, so a crappy relationship is poorly tolerated. It’s no issue to a strong introvert to simply jettison a bad love relationship to be by themselves. Introverts have a natural dread game thing happening in the background all the time.

On the other hand…

Lots of extroverts are people pleasing weaklings who fold on their personal standards just to maintain their relationships. They spend so much time in the social universe that one day they awaken to find that being Mr. Party isn’t so great when the bills need to be paid and the party is over.

Likewise an introvert can narrow their entire connection with the outside world down to a single person in the most needy of oneitis.

There’s also the thing where introverts end up developing a skill in private so valuable, that the rest of the social group have to acknowledge it. There’s probably more introvert doctors than extrovert ones for example. Hence complains about bedside manners and treating patients as “the diabetic case in room 201″, which is exactly how a heavily introverted person would see a problem. 90% of all art and entertainment is created by introverts, maybe produced and distributed by extroverts, but the creative types inventing it are introverted. Pretty much any time you see someone with some crazy high skill level at anything, odds on it’s an introvert. The right skill gets you a ticket to Alphaville.

That all being said, neither extraversion or introversion are destiny. You can learn to cover your weaknesses and balance your strengths as you get older and wiser. For those playing the home game, I’m a Myers-Briggs INTP. I used to come out at the extreme end of the introversion, thinking and perceiving scales when I was younger. These days I’m mostly introvert, almost borderline on the thinking vs feeling scale, and have moved much closer to balance on the perceiving vs judging scale as well.  (As an aside… I personally like the Enneagram better than Myers-Briggs. I’m a 5 with a 4 wing if anyone is into it.)

Because I’m going to hear some sort of shocked comment that there’s no way I could be an introvert with splashing my sex life on the Internet… most of my day I’m alone, writing happens alone, part of what energizes my marriage is that both Jennifer and I are introverts and having each other as a primary and deep relationship works for the both of us. I relax playing computer games or reading, and not by going to a party. Yes I’ve dealt with several thousand pieces of reader email, but I tend to focus on the diagnosis / advice / follow up angle…. “the affair case in room 201″…. there’s very few who I end up being chatty with.

So it’s really a case of taking the good bits from your natural state and balancing it as best you can with the opposite. Which is how I ended up being an introvert who really likes people. If you’re an introvert, it’s simply not enough to have a skill. You have to get good with people too. At the end of the day, people are the only things that really matter.

Oh and introverted women can get overwhelmed by extroverted men in relationships, so consider the audience you’re seeking out. Introversion may be less of a bug and more of a feature. Also introverted women tend not to be infected with multiple strains of herpes. Just sayin’.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, How To Choose A Wife

What Energizes You Is Alpha

October 2, 2012 By 12 Comments

Working on your attractiveness / marriage / weight / business / finances / whatever it is that you’re up to…

…isn’t a sprint.

It’s a marathon.

It’s going to take a long time to get from here to there, and sometimes you have to stop whipping yourself to get there as fast as you can. Yeah a little taste of the whip is great to get you going, but after a while it’s nothing more than pain and blood loss.

Breathe. Take a day off, do something fun. All your crap will still be here tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. Sometimes you gotta rest and recover.

One of the most attractive things to have is a high energy level. So after a certain point of effort, you actually stop making it better and start making it worse.

Half the reason I suggest exercise is so important is because it increases your energy level.

So what energizes you?

Anyway…

…$5 says that thing that energizes you is part of your Alpha.

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Sexual Health Issues, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Submissive Captain?

September 28, 2012 By 31 Comments

So anyway, this week is a little bit of a shaggy dog story…

It started with Sexy Moves: Comfort and Coping, where I tended to a very sick Jennifer and actually quite enjoyed looking after her. In part I enjoy it because it’s not The Most Difficult Job In The World staying at home and keeping things running smoothly. But I was also feeling aware that being at home, was leeching away at more productivity and wanted to refocus on how Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline. So I came up with a plan that both allowed me to get my day to day Care Bear quota in, but also make sure I got all the really important stuff done to maintain my Alpha frame, because after all, Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction. But part of what threw me off in the first place, was that Nursing Is FemDom…

…and here we are. Welcome to awkward.

As I’ve said many times in the past, Jennifer and I used to have endless mutual submission deadlocks where we both attempted to defer to the other, and thus did nothing. “What do you wanna do?” “I don’t know, anything. What do you want to do?”  Rinse and repeat.  But I’d since discovered that me simply acting more dominant with Jennifer netted easy and positive relationship results. Jennifer being so naturally submissive that even mild dominance was lapped up and made her content.

And then for the last fifteen years or so, I’d go to work as a nurse, and spend all day helping, caring, supporting, tending and generally being a highly functional First Officer for the female powers that be. To be sure, how the first twelve years of that was, was different from the last three. I became far more assertive and pushed back on a lot of nonsense, and liked it less and less. There’s a world of difference between being naturally submissive and freely giving and being forcibly taken advantage off. In the end I was given an ultimatum to either allow 24/7 access to my time, or get out. The rationale given being that if I was willing to receive calls from Jennifer at work, then I should be willing to receive calls from my boss at home… Yeeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhh…. I’m going to go in a different direction with that.

But now I’m home.

And my submissive itch has not been scratched for a very, very long time. I actually keep a diary, because obviously a blog just isn’t enough to keep my thoughts together and looking back I can see where my mental checking out of my job and actually finishing my job, resulted in my increased grumpiness with Jennifer. Oh not all day everyday, just a background discontent that comes and goes… and maybe a five page document with an attached cheat sheet for ways to nag me in the manner I would most enjoy. Nothing like a thinker trying to be helpful.

Naturally Jennifer did none of that, because shes so naturally submissive she’d lose a staring contest with a kitten. So the short story is that now we’ve had several rounds of mutual submission deadlocks, with me breaking them by being dominant because it works, and then me feeling cranky that I had to do that. Most husbands are driven crazy by nagging, I’m driven crazy because she doesn’t nag.

The current plan is my daily schedule, which gives me some direct hands on ways to play a support role (kids to school et al), and also gives me some clear tasks to complete (writing and exercise) that Jennifer is under pain of pain to actually follow up on and ask me about. Really, that’s all it takes. I don’t need to be yelled at, just checked on and it helps me so much to know someone will ask what I did. So far it’s working, I feel more happily engaged with everyone, the house is running better and I am finally becoming productive on the writing front.

However there is also a very significant problem in that I’ve just added a huge amount of Beta Trait behavior. So I’m keenly aware that needs to be counter-balanced with Alpha, I don’t want to nerf her interest in me. It’s not going to work if a month from now she’s cranky at me because she’s not having fun either. I’ve actually been somewhat stressed out by the consideration of moving in this direction, but me not writing properly is just a critical error that has to be addressed. That’s my most important Alpha behavior in Jennifer’s eyes, physical fitness doesn’t hurt either. So gotta try something.

So…

Lots of irony really. In some ways I’m doing the opposite of what MMSL suggests and I’m still getting my head around it. It’s an experiment in progress.

Jennifer: Yeah, it’s always an experiment around here…in a good way!  It’s funny how a husband and wife can see the simplest things in two totally different ways.  He asked me to “nag” him about writing.  I would ask how the day went when I got home from work in the late afternoon.  I would be tempted during the day to text him and ask how things were going…but that might interrupt him when he was on a roll with writing!  Note to self…don’t second guess, go with your first thought.  So now I text him several times during the day to see how he’s doing, which helps him to stay on track (crap, she’s going to text in an hour, better be working!) but in my mind it’s not as annoying as “nagging”, it’s me checking in.

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Nice Guys and Betaization

Effort In Quadrant Two Powers Attraction

September 26, 2012 By 14 Comments

So following on from yesterday, the whole four quadrant thing is in my mind because I’ve been reorganizing my day. The adjustment from full time nursing and doing MMSL at night, to being at home and just MMSL has been a much bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. I easily get distracted and was finding that I simply wasn’t getting done what I really needed to get done. Oh I was certainly busy and active, just at the end of the day somehow exercise and book writing wasn’t happening.

I also cannot for the life of me write blog posts in the morning. 2.5 years of writing posts at night has basically programmed me to write posts that time of day. I just stare at the screen and eventually watch hours of YouTube if I try post writing during the day. But I was just leeching later and later into the evening. Jennifer edits my posts, so if I’m up, she’s up and then she’s over-tired and slightly… ah… starfishy… which is really my fault for keeping her up.

I’m also trying to rebalance between Jennifer and myself, who does what for chores and domestic duties. We’ve actually been mildly fighting about it in that she’s too stubborn to give some of it up. She’s all overhelping and needs to relax a little more. I’m technically a SAHD now, so there’s different ways I can help out now. Jennifer had been doing the morning routine with the girls once school started up again and wasn’t getting out of the house until 830-9am.

So anyway, my new daily plan for the week days. I’ll color all the Quadrant Two items in Red.

D1 = Eldest daughter.  D2 = Youngest daughter.  Also I set a number of alarms on my phone to prompt myself to start/stop things.

6am  Get up, wake D1 and shower. (Alarm set)

620am  prompt D1 and wake D2. Coffee, empty dishwasher, make lunches for D2 and Jennifer (she gets leftovers from dinner the night before), make protein shake.

640am  Email clear / Forum check

7am   D1 on bus. Prompt D2.

705  Start any laundry, eat breakfast and 30 minute walk.

750 am  Drive D2 to school

810am One housecleaning task.

830am-12pm  Writing book related material  (Alarm set)

12pm-1pm    Exercise  (Alarm set)

1pm  Shower, Lunch, playtime.

235pm  Pick up D2 from school.  (ALARM SET!)

3-5pm  Clear email, forum check, 30 minute walk (with Jennifer if possible)

5-8 pm  Free + Dinner

8pm   Homework Prompting   (Alarm set)

8-10pm MMSL Post writing, any remaining time on forum.

930pm  Bedtime Prompting for Kids

10pm  Kids to bed   (Alarm set)

10-11pm Free Time to hang out with Jennifer

11pm  Run Dishwasher, Bedtime

So, all in all, I’ve gone from about two regular hours of Quadrant Two a day, to around eight and a half. The house is about the same in terms of how clean as we weren’t living in squalor before, but the kitchen kinda sparkles now. Jennifer is getting to work earlier and getting home a little earlier and isn’t falling asleep on the couch late in the evening. The kids hear the 8pm alarm and they already have learned to just groan and get their homework. Same deal at bedtime.

The only downside is I’m on the forum a little less continuously, so I adapted there and created a 911 category for the issues that need genuine triage and get first dibs on my attention.

About 90% of my Alpha is coming from my Quadrant Two time spending. Physical health and fitness, smart guy generating income. That’s my attraction builder. All the help around the house + kids + Jennifer time is my comfort building Beta stuff.

So go plan your day.

Jennifer: It’s been an adjustment on my end too, but it’s working wonderfully. He looks happier for getting more book writing done and it’s so nice not starting my day in a rush and have more time together in the evening. It’s infectious too, I’ve found myself planning meals further ahead and prepping things in the morning. (Although I did just say to him that he’s thrown my whole sense of time off in the evening…It’s 9:18pm and I’m proofing something I am usually proofing at 11:18pm…now I feel like it should be bedtime.)

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

What To Do When You Don’t Get Laid On Date Night

September 24, 2012 By 59 Comments

Ah the Date Night, that most hallowed Blue Pill solution to marital woes. If you just had a Date Night once a week, your marriage would magically transform into the delightful paradise that is the ideal marriage.

Well it’s all very nice thinking, but glosses over that fact that 99% of the married people can’t afford a weekly Date Night and it’s also pretty hard to find a decent babysitter as well. Which I guess just makes the husband a failure for not being part of the 1%. Sweet.

Anyway…

Let’s assume like a mission to launch a cool robot to Mars, the planets have sufficiently aligned to green light an attempt at Date Night. Extra cash, check. Baby sitter, check. Expensive fun thing to do, check. Fresh breath, check. Car has gas, check. Purposefully bending over backwards not doing anything to piss her off for 72-96 hours before Date Night, check. Masturbation 24 hours before expected sex to release pressure to avoid awkward premature ejaculation, check.

Houston we have a go.

It starts off really really well. Date Night clears the tower and roars majestically upwards, it’s long tail of red hot desire lighting up the evening sky. You’re so getting laid tonight.

It’s perfect. So perfect. Nothing can go wrong.

“Ahhh… Houston we have a warning light on the Alpha tank. Repeat, warning light on Alpha.”

Then something fairly minor happens. Maybe you stay something not quite funny and it’s taken as not very funny at all. Maybe the service at the restaurant wasn’t quite up to par. Maybe even though The Olive Garden is her favorite restaurant, tonight she doesn’t want to be there for some reason. Maybe the tickets you got aren’t as close to the stage as you could have gotten them. Maybe you’re not parking the car correctly. Maybe you’re just spoiling Date Night by being stupid or insensitive.

Well at this point you’re committed to the evening, so be cool. Nothing you can do about the Alpha tank now. Just ride it out and complete the mission.

Everything goes pretty well, except she’s not really enjoying it as much as you were hoping she would. The mission is a success, you had your fancy dinner, you saw the show, you didn’t get caught staring at another woman. It’s all good. Time to head home and make a smooth landing.

Then you don’t even understand how or why it happens, Date Night just goes terribly wrong on re-entry. Instead of a joyous swooping return to earth, half-way home the First Officer starts screaming at you about something, and the whole thing just blows up.

You ain’t getting laid tonight.

You’re pissed the fuck off about it too.

She broke the unwritten contract that by having a Date Night, and plying her with food, wine, fun and maybe a surprise nice thing, you were going to get laid. How dare she do that and ruin your perfectly planned evening. Why the hell do you have to jump through so many freaking hoops just to get laid BY YOUR WIFE anyway? Good grief she’s a selfish spoiled bitch who should be having sex with you. Right? Right! …right?

Ah… yes and no…

Yes - Yes indeed getting laid on Date Night is a reasonable expectation. It’s a special night to connect and have fun together. Having sex is a great way to connect and have fun, and in fact you should have a reasonable expectation that you’ll even have somewhat above average sex that night. After all, more time to relax and ease into it, no kids, a little wine. It should all be good. That’s why you have a Date Night in the first place.

No – She’s just not attracted to you sexually. An evening of special whatever simply isn’t going to make that change in a single evening. She doesn’t want to have sex with you, so she blew it all up in your face. If she was right on the line of being interested in you, Date Night might have earned you getting laid on Date Night, but if she’s below the line if interest in you, the whole evening is just unwanted pressure to screw a guy she doesn’t want to screw.

If you were both single and this date went down, she wouldn’t go back to your place. She’d probably screen your calls out afterwards too. She’s just not interested, but she’s married to you, so she has to go back to your place and find a way to ruin the evening.

So what to do?

You have to address the yes and the no. The yes you address by saying, “I think I have a reasonable expectation of having sex on a Date Night, and I’m not going to go through that sort of evening again. If you’re willing to have sex with me on a Date Night cool, but if not, I’m not interested in having a Date Night.”

The no you address by finding a private place, where no one will find you, and having an episode of just bawling your eyes out. Admitting to yourself that she just doesn’t want to have sex with you, not even with a pretty please and a couple hundred bucks of cherry on top, feels like someone shotgunned you in the chest. I’m serious about the crying, let it out. Cry out the pain, but save the anger… and yes indeed, you will be angry about it all.

Then fix whatever the problem is that’s killing her attraction. Buy the Primer, run the MAP and get your shit together. Get yourself into the position where six months, or a year, or two years from now, she’s the one that wants you and is freaking out about possibly losing you to someone else. Don’t just rage and vent about how it’s unfair and she sucks as a wife. That’s just weakness and weakness is what got you into this mess in the first place. Actually focus your anger to motivate yourself into being not just a better man, but the best man you can be.

Or in short, if the problem is too much weaksauce Jedi, add some Sith. Easy on the Force Choking though. Never ends well.

Peace is a lie, there is only passion. Through passion, I gain strength.  Through strength, I gain power.  Through power, I gain victory.  Through victory, my chains are broken.  The Force shall free me.       – The Sith Code

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Sexy Moves: Comfort and Coping

September 19, 2012 By 11 Comments

Jennifer has been taken down with a tummy bug the last few days and only is just starting to look halfway normal.

So Goofy and Groping OFF, and Comfort and Coping ON.

I don’t think I’ve made a pass at her of any kind since… er Sunday? It hit her Monday and it’s Wednesday now. Playfulness dialed way way back and pretty much letting her nap as much as she can. Basically Beta turned up to 11 doing all the chores, all the cooking, all the kid duty and making special trips for soda, soup, ginger cookies yada yada.

She had a couple of critical work related things that she stubbornly refused to let fall to shit, so I escorted her because she’d probably just get in her car and drive away dehydrated and loopy if I didn’t. Grrrr, don’t make me go all Fifty Shades of Kay on you. At least on the way back home she admitted I was right to have refused to let her drive herself.

Ate a small but normal dinner tonight, just looks tired. Only needs to do two hours work tomorrow or something. I’ll probably clear her for that lol.

Anyway…

So be honest, I actually enjoy taking care of her like this. Oh I don’t enjoy her being sick, I just like the excuse to turn the Beta way up and coddle her a little. It’s kinda fun. She even whined that she’d been neglecting me… which is true, because she has… but she’s been sick, so it doesn’t matter. That’s why we’re married to each other. I don’t even mind skipping the sex and getting a little pent up. It’s all in a good cause as while I’m kinky as a messed up slinky, banging nauseous and dehydrated chicks just isn’t my bag baby. (If you must try it out, I recommend doggy style…)

I can do all this total Beta stuff because it’s a temporary situation. Tomorrow she’ll be mostly better and I’ll play a 50% Goofy and Groping and 50% Comfort and Coping Game. Friday and it’s gonna to be all back to normal. She’ll go back to handling all her regular stuff and putting out for me. I’ll do all my regular stuff again. If this was a long term illness, we would have to adjust things more finely, but for a short term, it’s fun.

So keep an eye out for moments of genuine need and swoop it and deliver the Comfort and Caring. Just handle the situation and relive her of duty. When she actually needs Beta love, getting it is hitting the sweet spot, while you walking around delivering Beta overload when she doesn’t actually need that much, feels suffocating to her. So do revert to normal once the need has passed. It’s a reasonable request to be given special attention when you’re genuinely sick.

The one caveat to all this that she needs to keep a reasonable tone and ideally say thank you once in a while. Bad tempered patients should discover that the call bell is mysteriously broken. Or failing that, just tell them if they aren’t sick enough to see a doctor, they aren’t sick enough for special attention.

Jennifer:  You had me at ginger cookies.  

 

 

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Nice Guys and Betaization, Sexy Moves

Do Not Take Me For Some Conjurer of Cheap Tricks

September 12, 2012 By 33 Comments

Some friendly disagreement about my post Why The “No Divorce” Belief Can Ruin Your Marriage from Vox and Simon. So let me just double up on my assertions.

Women are more attracted to men who can dump them and replace them at will, than men that cannot. Being able to dump her and move on to a new woman easily is heavy duty Alpha street cred and women are attracted to that. Totally removing divorce from the choice of options is a nerfing of the husbands Alpha. It’s a built in structural weakness to the regular Christian husbands ability to game his wife. It’s like you’re competing against guys running the 100m Dash while you run the 110m Hurdles.

Naturally of course a husband needs to bring Beta to the mix to reassure her that she’s not going to be dumped for no good reason, and to create overall relationship comfort. Plus to be quite blunt, I’m absolutely not in favor of frivolous divorce. Divorce is always, always, always the last resort… but sometimes you just gotta draw some total BS to a close and move on with your life.

The truth of the matter is that Christian women work just like every other woman. They get more attracted to a man who openly admits he would divorce them for slacking off for no reason, and lose attraction to a man who says that he would never divorce them for any reason. Every time you warble your unconditional love song, she eats another slice of cake. A confident man that can demand a woman be her best for him is hot. Couple that with him not demanding what she can’t reasonably do, and paying her affectionate attention, and you’ve got the sweet spot of married game.

The honest truth is that 99% of all Christian men come to me at their wits end, after everything else has failed for them and I am truly their last resort. I mean if you’re a Christian, coming to an Atheist for marriage advice must feel like asking Jamaicans for snow removal tips. So let me put it this way, having run MMSL for 2.5 years now, I’ve seen a cycle of interaction so often it’s now a cliche to me.

First the Christian husband finally reaches a breaking point with the combination of his belief and state of his marriage, and in an icy rage put divorce squarely back on the table. At that point I’m usually trying to slow their rush to divorce down… the first few days it’s usually a big victim puke session and I let them vent… and then they really start looking at Phase Three to Seven as being allowable and begin working toward it in earnest. (Which could take months or years depending on where they are at)

Then far more often than not… guess what happens…

“Magically” the wife turns herself around and starts paying him more respect, more attention, more deference and more sexy time. And that’s more sexy time after a very long time for a lot of these guys. The husband finally acting like he could potentially dump her and replace her, re-attracts her. Marriage saved, sex life restarted, kids growing up in an intact family, divorce lawyers eating Ramen noodles and missing car payments.

The truth of the matter is that MMSL has Christian women as my highest book buying demographic. I’m not kidding about that. They buy it for themselves, they buy it for their husbands, and their sons and brothers. They are turned on by the idea of being First Officers and being held to standards of behavior in exchange for compassionate leadership from their man. Let me repeat that… they are turned on by that.

Look I know if you’re a Christian reading this, it’s all utterly appalling to read and it just seems so totally wrong. Just believe me when I say I’ve seen it work over and over and over again. Where that fits or doesn’t fit into your theology or morals is up to you. As I keep saying, I don’t care what you believe, I’m not trying to make people Atheists, I’m just here to save marriages and help people. I only care about your religion as much as it gets in the way of me getting you back to a happy marriage, sex life, or whatever it is you want to happen.

I’m not trying to rob you. I’m trying to help you.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Why I Bought My Wife Pots And Pans For Her 40th Birthday

September 3, 2012 By 35 Comments

Jennifer’s birthday is about here and she’s about to turn 40, forty, FOUR-TEE. So obviously I have to get her some awesome gift in celebration of her stellar achievement of breathing in and out for so long.

Well….

I got her some nice new pots and pans.

Now before half my female readers rage-quit on me, let me explain…

Jennifer has adopted my birthday present protocol that I’ve been running with for the last couple of years. You see three years ago I asked for a toaster. Not just any toaster, but a fairly nice toaster that we wouldn’t otherwise have purchased. I love my toaster. It’s great. Two years ago I asked for and got a really nice laundry hamper. Last birthday I got an amazingly squishy magic foam bathmat and I love it. The cat finds it disturbing to walk on for some reason and acts like it’s a spike filled fire pit, which isn’t all that funny until you watch it try and jump over it from the floor to the bath and fail badly. If Jennifer would let me I’d get the cat drunk and when it fell asleep I’d gently lay it on the bathmat just to watch it freak out as it woke up.

Anyway… we buy functional and beautiful items that we wouldn’t otherwise have.

So when I say Jennifer wanted a really good non-stick fry-pan, she really wanted a good non-stick fry-pan.

Jump in the car and off to Bed Bath and Beyond together. Looking looking looking and she finds what she wants and it’s not even crazy expensive plus we have a coupon. Whereupon I hunt around a little further and discover for twice the price, the same pan comes in a box of ten non-stick pots and pans of awesome. Admittedly four of those items are lids, so we’re really only talking about six pots and pans of awesome, but x2 price for x6 stuff is great. Into the cart with you. Jennifer complained it’s a little much, but I overruled her with my Male Dominance(TM). It’s after all a surprise and how would she know what she was getting anyway. Crap I left my wallet at home… honey…

Oh relax, it’s a joint checking account.

Anyway, we check out and start chatting back and forth about how when I write a post about it, someone is going to be mortified that I actually had the nerve to buy pots and pans of awesome for my wife’s fortieth birthday present. I’m expecting angry email about it even though I’ve just written a post explaining how we’ve started doing presents for each other. I mean I got a toaster for my fortieth birthday and her pots and pans of awesome cost three times my toaster. But you can bet some clam is going to read “POTS AND PANS THE A$$HOLE!!” fifty words into the post and just stop reading to go poleaxe her chump husband for not keeping the litterbox freshly scooped.

Besides, it’s not the pots and pans that should piss the women off. I also got her a bathroom scale.

Jennifer:  OMG LMAO…he laughed waaaaayyy too much while writing this so I knew it was going to be good!  Hey, I just cooked a fabulous omelette on my ceramic non-stick pans of loveliness…and he used a coupon…sigh…

 

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Humor and Everything Else

Young Guy Game vs Old Guy Game

September 1, 2012 By 47 Comments

As you get older, you change. In some ways for the better, in some ways for the worse. Typically it’s a physical decline vs. a mental and resources gain.

I actually look back at myself in an odd sort of awe. How did I not know I was as good looking as I was? Oh I wasn’t like crazy hot guy, but certainly far better than I thought I was. How was I not simply asking girls out frequently? Holy crap that would have been so easy to have gotten not just a few more dates, but a ton of dates and all that could have come with that. Once you learn Game you’re always going to look back into the past and realize how often you missed an opportunity with a girl. Maybe not just any girl either… you totally messed up with the girl. The one you really wanted.

You realize you could’ve. You realize you should’ve.

But that’s all gone and here you are now. Older. Slower. It’s not as easy as it was. Everything comes with extra little price in pain or energy compared to how it was twenty years ago. What you have though, is a lot more experience, skill and stuff piled up. Young guys have potential for future power, that’s what attracts women to them, older guys are judged on whether or not they actually achieved power. Whether or not that’s personal power, social power, physical power, financial power or whatever power doesn’t matter. It’s potential power vs actual power. That’s why as an older guy writing about Game I’ve increasingly started talking about structural attraction issues, rather than how to order drinks in the bar so girls think you’re the hot catch of the evening.

Older guys don’t have any time to create the impression of power, we actually have to have it. That’s why younger guys can turn their dating life around as fast as it takes to hit the gym for a couple months and buy some proper clothes, and older guys can have a 1-2 year program of development ahead of them. Got to fix the structural stuff. I have readers who have made deeply serious goals like doubling their income inside two years, or getting an advanced degree in their forties, or losing 100 pounds. Big heavy projects that just have to get done for the success they want. Not to mention stalled marriages and kids to consider.

The good news is that actual power, is more attractive than the potential for power, because not all potential is reached. That’s why a woman in her twenties can find a guy in his forties attractive. But he’ll always have some degree of actual power and have kept his physical decline under good control.

The fantasy match up is young you vs. you now.

So let’s say me at age 24 facing off against me at age 42 for Jennifer at age 22. Imagining that we’re both meeting Jennifer for the first time at those ages. How would it play out?

Well I think some of the early play would have gone to #24. Better looking, funny, smart and I would have made a move on her… a very respectful move though. #24 would have asked her out on dates, though to be honest, some quite modest dates in a crappy car for transportation. He’d try and get her back to his itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie apartment… and prove what a nice respectful guy he was. He’d make some real progress, but minus all that nutty long distance stuff creating an Alpha illusion, I just don’t know how fast things would have gone.

#42 though would have a whole different level of play. At first he wouldn’t even be interested in Jennifer… too young to be bothered with, but ultimately she’s going to start showing her positive values and she is kinda cute. So #42 makes a move… he calls her up and tells her he’s taking her out to dinner, doesn’t say it’s a date or ask for one, just say’s he’s taking her out… and she just complies. Then it’s a proper car to a proper restaurant, hand on her lower back guiding her into her seat. It’s that same funny, smart guy, but with some greater range and some wisdom. #42 lays his hand down on the table palm up and she puts her hand in his as they talk and the wine bottle gets emptier and emptier.

The transition is back to #42′s place… an actual house, not an amazingly amazing house, but definitely a house with a backyard, near a brand new K-8 school and extra rooms for imagined children. His move is somewhat more assertive on her. A slow but firm pull into him and deep passionate kissing and an escalation to a hand on her breast. Once it gets to trying to remove pieces of clothing though, she tenses up. “I would like you to stay.” Stay. The most perfect word to use. It implies sex, but doesn’t explicitly state it. “But if you aren’t ready yet, we can take you home and continue this another night.” #42 gets up to go to the bathroom, “I’ll be right back.” Time for her to think, to not feel pressured to stay, time to change her mind. Five minutes later he’s back and she still asks to go home, “Good for you.” says #42. As he drops her off he says, “I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want, but when you want it, I’ll make sure you like it.”

The next morning #42 texts her, “I know what you did when I dropped you off last night.” “Oh? What’s that?” “You masturbated thinking about what would have happened if you stayed the night with me.” “OMG how did you know?” “LOL your secrets are safe with me.” “You”re a bad, bad man.” “You’re welcome.  :-) “

About this time #24 and #42 discover the other is interested in Jennifer. There’s not a fist fight or anything stupid, just an awkward meeting where #42 stares #24 down and into stepping out of the way as they pass in the hall.

Time passes. #24 ups the ante with flowers, poetry and a few too many calls and texts about his interest in her. #42 texts her, “Wanna go to DisneyWorld this weekend?” “That’s in Florida, I can’t afford that.” “I’ve got enough frequent flyer miles for two tickets.” “Let me think.” “You know you wanna.” “Um… rooms?” “Room.” “This is kinda quick” “I know what I like.” “What happens after that?” “That’s up to you.”

Three hours of radio silence later…

“I’m still thinking.”

“Tickets are booked, I’m going to go have fun either way. Flight is 650pm on Friday.”

#24 asks her out again for a Saturday date. Sunday? Friday? “What are you doing all weekend?” “I might be going on a short vacation trip with a friend.” “It’s him isn’t it.”

After that comes a line of intense questioning along the lines of what-exactly-are-you-thinking and what-has-this-guy-really-offered-you. But there’s this genuine tone of concern in there, not just about what he’s going to be losing if she goes, but that she’s truly understanding what she’s getting into and whether she’s going to be okay. It’s actually quite touching. He really cares. He’s protective.

“So what are you offering then?”

Could’ve, should’ve….

“Marriage.”  One word. The big one. Spoken with clarity and conviction. An amazing weekend and possibly more, or the whole package of potential?

So who wins?

Jennifer: LOL you’re an ass making me do this! For the record I’ve NEVER dated two people at once. This is a question I’ve never thought about. In reality, 22-year-old me would have been far too intimidated by 42-year-old you, just on principle. Both “guys” have their advantages, but you’re right that the 42-year-old shows what he’s capable of more than the 24-year-old, just by virtue of life experience and accumulated working years leading to more “stuff”. And really, when you’re 22, 42 seems ancient lol.

Athol:  Somehow I feel rejected lol.

 Jennifer: Well that depends on whether or not you take me to Disney :-)

Athol: LMAO

Jennifer:  /faux-pouts

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Humor and Everything Else, Sexy Moves, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

I See Alpha / Beta Everywhere

August 23, 2012 By 30 Comments

Athol:  So I got the TSA patdown today, dude very careful to try and start explaining to a patdown virgin what was about to happen to me. I just cut him off with blunt “I’m a nurse just do it.” and gave him direct eye contact. He looked nervous and unsure of himself after that lol. Anyway, one minute full body massage, surprisingly relaxing. Three testicle jostles. I thought I was at the Men’s Warehouse.

Anyway, zonked from a day of travel, so here’s a reader story…

Reader:  Hi Athol, I’ve read your blog from front to back. Everything on it has struck a nerve.

I started out with a vague feeling that my wife might be cheating (she wasn’t) which lead me to the DeadBedrooms sub-reddit on reddit. Comments in one of the posts there lead me to MMSL. I’m glad I followed it: MMSL and Game are (slowly) turning my marriage around.

Everything has been great in my 15-year marriage except for the sex. After reading your blog I could see every mistake I’ve made in our relationship, and why being nicer to her didn’t make her respond the way I thought it would. Why giving her flowers when she was cranky with me only made her crankier (too much Beta). Why helping more around the house didn’t lead to her feeling more amorous (although she did appreciate it). With just some slight nudges using game (adding more Alpha) our relationship is getting better. Within the first 24 hours my wife had asked me to sit on the sofa next to her to cuddle, sought me out for a kiss, and told me she loves me: things that she almost never does. Every time I think I’m wasting my time following the advice on MMSL, she turns around and responds in a way that you’ve predicted. She’s been much more affectionate in the past month since I started this, and I have high hopes for more improvements in the future.

I’ve been reading everything I could about game and have even begun (secretly) to read my wife’s romance novels. Do yourself a favor: If your wife reads romance novels then read some of them yourself. They’re textbook examples of what women want (it seems so obvious now). If she reads very many, it’s likely you’ll be able to discern the type of man that turns her on.

It might just be confirmation bias, but now that I see the whole Alpha/Beta theory written out, I see it everywhere. When I see someone complaining that their SO doesn’t want them, I now immediately wonder what they’ve done to MAKE their SO want them. If your woman isn’t into you, it’s not their fault, it’s yours: you aren’t attractive enough. Become more attractive! Work on your displays of high value: hit the gym, become more confident, and/or earn more money.

The latest example that I’ve run across of the Alpha/Beta theory was when my teenage daughter had a slumber party recently, and my wife (who is unaware of Game concepts) overheard the girls talking about the boys in their school. What struck me about the conversation that she relayed to me was that the girls were categorizing the boys into two groups: “Hot & Mean” and “Not-hot & Nice.” There couldn’t be a better example of the Alpha/Beta theory, as interpreted by 13 year old girls. My eyes are open. Now I have to figure out how to use this new found knowledge to help my daughter find a boy who is both “Hot & Nice” and proper husband material (eventually, right now I’m happy that she’s sticking with slumber parties).

Thank you for writing the blog! I wish you continued success!

Athol:  Thanks. I think it’s interesting to see how the 13-year-old girls react to what attracts them. At 13 they simply have no awareness of what would make a good long term partner, so they don’t consider Beta Traits in a boy at all. All they react to is the pure Alpha display of the boys. The same sort of thing that attracts girls to boys, attracts women to men. Pay attention to that and add enough Beta to be a viable long term partner and you’re golden.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)
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