OMGMAKINGCOFFEEALPHABETAHELPNOWPLZ

Reader:  After reading MMSL and have started to turn my marriage into what it should be…slowly. I had a friend, who knows I’ve read MMSL, come up to me this morning and ask me “Is it too beta to make coffee every morning and bring it to your wife in bed.” He said it’s a way to show her that you appreciate her everyday. I told him I would not do that everyday. Is that too Beta? Am I wrong?

Athol:  It’s a comfort building move, so yes it’s Beta. I’m fairly often up before Jennifer and I always make a beeline for the coffee maker myself. Takes me an extra minute to make Jennifer a cup as well if she wants one. As Beta moves go it’s a fairly quick, easy and direct one.

But the real question is whether he’s generally Alpha or not. The formula looks like this…

Alpha + Beta = WIN

Beta = LOSE

Women love Beta. Love, love, love Beta…. but only from a man that has Alpha.

There really is no “bad Beta” unless you mean it in the sense of “the cup of coffee you bought her this morning was a terrible cup of coffee.” As in, something that was meant to be nice and comforting, was actually kinda yucky. If you cooked her dinner and she gets food poisoning, that’s “bad Beta”.

But usually what people mean by “bad Beta” is a Beta move delivered with a Display of Low Value / terrible Alpha. That’s what gets her contempt circuits starting up.

You don’t scamper about like a lost puppy looking to be let outside, bringing her a cup of coffee. You don’t wince at her slight frown of displeasure with the first sip. You don’t return to the kitchen to “try and get it right”. You don’t bounce up and down on your heels waiting for praise for bringing mistress her coffee. You don’t hope you get your dick sucked for bringing her a cup of coffee.

You just make her a cup of coffee.

Then get on with your Alpha day.

Beta Orbiting Peek-A-Boo-Boo

With babies, playing peek-a-boo is a classic game. It both delights them and teaches them an important cognitive skill. Just because you can’t see something, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

Mommy is there and then mommy is gone… and peek-a-boo! Mommy is right back! Yay! And mommy is gone again… peek-a-boo! OMG she’s back! Wow. And she’s gone again… peek-a-boo! Oh this is hysterical, mommy you’re a wizardly genius! Dinner and a show.

Once the kids get mobile, the game gets a little more serious. Because mommy can completely disappear from one room, and be in another room. Which is fine for a minute or two, because there’s just something about this squeaky toy hammer that enthralls me. It causes no injury whatsoever, but my brother Thomas seems enraged by it hitting him. Why is that?

And…

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s mommy? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Mommy…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s mommy! She’s in the laundry. Hi mommy. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh mommy your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So….

Fast forward say thirty odd years….

OMG it’s been a full three minutes. Where’s wifey? Something terrible must have happened to her. She’s not in the kitchen. She’s not in the bedroom. Shit. Wifey…. She’s not in the bathroom either… oh! Oh! There’s wifey! She’s in the laundry. Hi wifey. Watcha doin’? Hi. What’s all this stuff? Can I help? Hi. Kiss me. Kiss me. Kiss me. Oh wifey your kisses are magical! Anyway, there’s something in my pants I need you to attend to.

So stop it. Stop chasing your wife through the house like a toddler. She’ll be right back. Just because you can’t see her, doesn’t mean she doesn’t exist.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT.

Sure if you hear some sort of cascading crash and her anguished cries for help… go check on that. Likewise if more than half an hour has elapsed… it’s fine to lay eyes on her. Just don’t chase her through the house.

This is how your wife experiences endlessly seeking her out…

Also…

You are not goddamn Barney the Dinosaur. Not every single incidental passing in the hallway needs to involve cuddly-wuddly hug, kisses and gushing demands of verbal commitment.

STOP IT. JUST DON’T DO IT. IT MAKES HER VAGINA SEAL ITSELF SHUT.

If you’ve been running about your house like Virginity Pledge Care Bear and need a good rule of thumb for displays of affection to get yourself under better control, use the ye olde Roissy Golden Ratio approach. For every three instances of her initiating the display of affection, you should initiate two times.

Ideally your two times should involve things like kissing the back of her neck, lightly dry humping her ass, deep kisses where you lightly touch her face or gently pull her hair.

Anyway…

Ugh…

I need a palate cleanser.

MAN CLEAN. WOMAN LIKE. SEX NOW.

You gotta love science…

In a study that analyzed the roles of 4,500 heterosexual married couples in the United States, researchers found that when women handled the cooking, cleaning and shopping, and men did yard work and car maintenance, they had more active sex lives.

“The results show that gender still organizes quite a bit of everyday life in marriage,” Julie Brines, a University of Washington (UW) associate professor of sociology and a co-author of the study, said in a statement.   “In particular, it seems that the gender identities husbands and wives express through the chores they do also help structure sexual behavior.”

The findings, which are published in the American Sociological Review journal, showed that couples with traditional roles at home had sex 1.6 times more per month than those in which the husband did all the traditionally female work.

Now I happen to not mind helping out around the home and I’m fairly skilled at it, so never really think too much about it. But I did sit back for a minute and actually think things through today and….

…well I do help out…

…but I really am a bit of a sexist pig in the way I do house work.

Let me give examples.

I do all my own personal laundry. Jennifer does all her own personal laundry. We’ll happily switch things from the washer to the dryer if it’s the other person’s stuff, but we don’t really start it. I tend to wash the bedding and towels more than she does. Admittedly that’s my man juice everywhere, so I guess we better count everything my cum hits as my personal laundry.  Also don’t sit in my chair. Just sayin’.

Anyway…

I don’t touch the girls laundry. Don’t know why.  That’s up to Jennifer and the girls to figure out. Just not my problem.

The lawn. Okay I’m not crazy lawn proud, but I’m the one that mows the lawn. I’m totally sure Jennifer could push the mower around the lawn and do a fine job. I just don’t care for that kind of insubordination. That’s my job.

Likewise when it’s time to shovel snow, I totally don’t mind Jennifer helping out, but it’s still my show. I’m going to do the heavy stuff the plow-trucks have compacted at the end of the driveway. She can do the steps and around the recycling bins and stuff. Because you know how women worry a cardboard box may be wasted and the planet might instantly turn into a WALL-E level environmental nightmare.

I vacuum far more than she does because frankly it’s just easier for me, using Upper Body Strength (TM) to move chairs and tables out of the way. Plus I vacuum one-handed. That’s all a woman really needs to know about me really. That’s right ladies,  I vacuum one-handed… a strong, steady back and forth motion.

Jennifer does this thing with clipping coupons and being part of some women’s circle swapping coupons. I know it saves us a curiously large amount of money, but honestly I can’t quite follow exactly how it all works, and I worry it’s really some sort of ponzi scheme. When the shit hits the fan I’m just going to plead the fifth and hope Jennifer gets out of jail before we run out of the 640 rolls of toilet paper the grocery store paid her $6.40 to buy from them last November.  (Jennifer: Yeah, yeah, just for the record I’m not that bad.  Nobody’s going to invite me to be on Super Coupon Ladies Don’t Have Room in the House for Their Husbands Because of All of That Toilet Paper or whatever that show is…)

In the kitchen things are a little more free flow. I like cooking, but somehow it’s Jennifer’s job to decide what’s for dinner as the default. It tends to be me muscling in and taking over for a night of cooking more than her asking for help. Likewise on the nights she works late, I handle dinner no issue. I’m the one that authorizes takeout rather than cooking something, though we do that less and less over time.

Jennifer is the one that plans grocery shopping, though I do like going along and I tend to be the one hunting for the choice meat on sale or whatever when I go. Which she doesn’t mind because it sorts out a few meal choices for her. Women really do hate deciding whats for dinner.

So all in all… I really don’t think Jennifer is worn out from catering to me or anything like that. It’s fairly even, just not equal. I really am doing something around the house frequently…

…I’m just doing it in a sexist manner.

Okay pro tip time.

You can do anything in house domestic chore-wise and pull off a male vibe by (1) using up cleaning wipes like you own stock in the company, (2) the obvious placement of an adult beverage on the kitchen counter, (3) moving chairs from one room to another to vaccum/mop (just trust me on this one) and most importantly….

….(4) Truly obnoxious decibel levels of metal / hard rock / fuck you music driving her out of your face.

That’s right. I’m scrubbing out the kitchen sink with baking soda. CLICK CLICK BOOM!

 

And don’t let her boss you around doing something you already know perfectly well how to do.

 

Life After The MAP?

I was asked what happens after you run the MAP and all is basically well between the couple. Can you ever go back to relaxing and being Blue Pill?

 

Athol:  I think a subtle misunderstanding you have is that Blue Pill = soft/love  and Red Pill = hard/harsh

It’s more Blue Pill = unconscious relating    and Red Pill = conscious relating.

You can be 100% Blue Pill and do everything right… it’s just that you’re doing it unwittingly. What tends to happen in relationships though is we just start letting it slide and become more and more Betaized. At some point we go off the rails and wind up in a bad place looking for answers.

Part of what makes MMSL/Game work is that once you explain a concept, most people go, “Oh yeah, I already knew that.”  You’re bringing unconscious wisdom of the Body Agenda into the realm of the Neo-Cortex. You already know what the Body Agenda knows, you just don’t know it consciously, because consciousness is up in the lair of the hamster… the Neo-Cortex.

The MAP is really about increasing your energy level, because high energy levels are attractive. Sex Rank = Energy. This is why people experience positive growth in all sorts of other unexpected ways when they run the MAP. People try and fix their sex life, but get promoted at work because they ran the MAP. They lose weight, dress better, things happen they had no expectation of. Stuff like that happens so often I’ve just come to expect some random +1 somewhere else in people’s lives.

It’s also why some relationships fail because of the MAP. One half of the couple becomes stronger, hotter and has a higher energy frequency, while the other is determined to stay depressive, unchanged, angry, bitter and low energy frequency. At some point it’s like someone reversed the polarity on the relationship magnets and instead of being pulled together, they are pushed apart. The MAP tends to bring relationships to a resolution point. Usually it’s a happier relationship, but not always. That’s being said, some of the successes I’m most proud of are where someone finally said enough was enough and they moved on.

In a sense, what I’m talking about is taking the knowledge of science, everything that we know about human nature and asking the question, “How then do we live?” which is essentially a typically religious question. MMSL is my answer. In terms of “what now”, I think the answer is more than just “keep the MAP ticking over”, though that is part of it. It’s also about living a life of meaning and significance and not so much lifting up those around you, but showing them how they can climb up for themselves too. It’s about being someone who exerts a positive energy into the world.

Negative Work and Energy Vampires

So following on from yesterday’s Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math.

Wolfie: OK. So how do we move from Betaized to Good Beta then? I’ve been running the MAP but this is an area where in the last couple of weeks I’ve started noticing directions & expectations.

Athol:  The only difference between Good Beta and Betaized is her attraction to you. So the only solution is to increase your attractiveness. If that entails cutting back on Beta goodies to work on your exercise and Alpha moves, you may as well do so, because all your Beta efforts count for nothing other wise.

Beta Tester:  So how do you change this? Don’t just say “run the MAP”. My wife works part time but parks her ass on the couch for 4 or more hours after work. She does not even put her clothes away after I wash and fold them. If I stop doing these chores, the house becomes a squalor pit and the kids and I have to live in it. Her solution is we need a larger house (big time shit test).

Athol:  I think the immediate move is to stop washing her clothes. Stop folding them. Stop putting them away. Don’t even touch them. Either she washes her clothes or she can look and smell bad. She’ll get mad as hell that you aren’t doing her laundry, but that’s simply a tactic to try and get you to change your attitude and get back to work catering to her. Ignore the entire issue. Ignore everything to do with her clothes. If she gets really pissed, start laughing and film her having a fit about you not washing her clothes.

Though I get the feeling that you’re doing a lot more than just the laundry. I also have a vague hunch that your wife is performing “Negative Work” in that she actually creates more mess by her presence in the house, than she provides in terms of chores and child care. Or at least she’s breaking even on positive vs negative effect on her presence in the house.

Several times I’ve ended up in situations at work where one employee is performing Negative Work. The days they don’t come in to work, or are on vacation, are more functional and productive with them not being around. The mood is better and more gets done without them, even if you’re short-staffed that day it can be better without them. Usually they are in a position of some kind of middling authority. Their mere presence drains the energy from the room as they demand, distract, delegate, depress and dominate an entire team. They also complain loudly that the team is failing, unmanageable, disloyal, requires constant supervision and that they are very unhappy in their job. Complaints about them, or direct criticisms of them, are typically met with harsh sanctions as a response.

Sound familiar?

The only solution that I’ve ever seen work with dealing with these people is that they get reamed out by someone in authority, nearly get fired and get a smack down a level on the totem pole. Otherwise, you simply have to get out from their sphere of influence. But there is no magical cure where they see the light and turn their shit around and become wonderful people. Sometimes though the rot goes up a couple of management levels, so it’s just easier to move sideways or out completely.

Anyway…

Assuming you’ve reasonably maxed out your attractiveness, well into a Phase Three and other women are showing you attention. You’ve stopped doing all the personal catering to her that you can without making the entire house a health and safety risk. Yet she’s still digging in like Jabba the Hutt on the couch and performing Negative Work. At some point you just have to either stop fighting her and be her minion forever, or say enough is enough and make a bid for freedom and stop carrying her through life.

There just are some basic functional practicalities about running a household. You need income and chores done. How that all gets assigned between the couple and the kids I really don’t care. But part of life is being a self-supporting functional adult and for lack of a better word… doing your job… and if you can’t do your job, you can’t have your job.

So yeah… run the MAP. Not what you wanted to hear I know and a whole lot easier for me to say, than for you to do. It’s worth it to be free of energy vampires though.

And yes… all this applies to husbands too. Even if you’re struggling to find work, there’s always something positive you can be doing. No free lunch. No rest for the wicked or something. About 40% of my email is from women about this exact same sort of issue. The advice I give them is no different than this post.

 

Good Beta, Betaized, Butler and Hooker Math

Beta skills are great. Everyone needs to know how to cook a meal, clean a house, buy groceries and generally have a full compliment of basic life skills. These really aren’t male or female skill sets in my mind, any one can do these. Kids can do them, I’ve taught people with developmental disabilities to do them.

Good Beta – I help out around the house a lot. I actually generally enjoy performing house work, I’m not saying our house is spotlessly clean and ready for the Queen to visit, but it’s not a health and safety concern either. Jennifer also does a lot of stuff around the house as well, so we both work and we both keep house. Jennifer is also appreciative of me helping out and I’m appreciative of her helping out.  Jennifer does more cooking and laundry than I do plus the grocery shopping. I do more yardwork, cleaning and move the high and the heavy objects. So in the context of Team Kay, my Beta skills and performance is a good thing.

I was actually quite pleased when in the middle of finishing off Thanksgiving Dinner together, Jennifer’s grandmother said, “Look at you two, it’s like you’re working in a restaurant.”   I’m performing Beta skills, but I’m also getting credit for them. I’m not building attraction that way, but I’m creating comfort and in Jennifer’s mind I’m getting points for it.

Betaized – This is where you’re still performing Beta skills, perhaps even exactly the same tasks as I’m doing, but you’re getting no credit for it. If your attractiveness is low, she doesn’t fear losing you, so all the Beta goodies you do are simply to make her life easier, rather than soothe away any sense of dread that you’re not emotionally attached to her. Thus…

If Jennifer is attracted to me, my helping out makes her feel safe about being attracted to me. I’m valuable to her vagina and I’m not one of those hit and run penises.

If Jennifer isn’t attracted to me, my helping out means my value to her is what I’m doing to make her life easier. Her vagina doesn’t care as long as my penis doesn’t go wandering off on an adventure.

You can tell when you’re in this situation because instead of her acting pleased, delighted or positive by your Beta goodies, she simply expects them. If all she does is a micro-second smile and praise routine, she’s simply being polite. Note the difference between her “positive attention” to you for doing something good, and how she acts when the dog takes a dump. If the dog is winning, you’re Betaized.

She’s also very likely giving you directions, demands, lists and expects task compliance. The marriage is run on her schedule and whim. You may very well be cooking gourmet meals, shelling out for expensive trips and surprising her with jewelry…  but it doesn’t count for shit unless she already wants to fuck you.

Butler – This is when Betaized turns into Betashit Crazy. If your wife is a SAHM… and you’re the one both holding down a job AND running about cooking, cleaning, taxi driving the kids everywhere, grocery shopping, yada yada yada…. you’re doing her whole damn job for her!

Now don’t get me wrong here, a SAHM isn’t going to be 100% responsible for every domestic chore in the house while hubby cracks open a beer and farts as hard as he can into the good sofa, that’s a bit much I agree. (Please refer back to “Team Kay” in the Good Beta section of this post, trust me, I get it.)  But if he comes home from work and then is doing 2-4 hours of chores of some description and then not getting even a whiff of the aroma of pussy… he’s basically her butler. His sole purpose is to provide her with a womb-like level of services.

You know how there’s that SAHM thing, itemizing out the value of everything she does to some crazy figure? You know, the one where it tries to assess the cost of everything she does on a per hour basis if was done by outside service providers. Personal chef $400 a week, maid service $300 a week, laundry $150 a week, personal shopper $250 a week, nanny $300 a week, nurse $100 a week, limo driver $300 a week….. = $1 million dollar value of service provided in a year. Okay, so hold that in your head for the next step…

Now account that value assessment for your own domestic chores, into your Hooker Math equation.

(Total yearly income from job + Bullshit domestic chore value plucked from air)  /  Number of times you have sex a year = Cost per lay

If your cost per lay is a figure that makes you disgusted,  you’re her butler.

Have a think about that.

 

New Year’s Eve and It Just Happened

Slightly out of context…

Reader:  I have also discovered that there’s another guy on the scene she’s been seeing behind my back messages on Facebook meeting up with him when supposed to be visiting friends so things could get interesting.  Do I tell her I know about this guy or keep quiet and work on my MAP and win her back?

Athol:  Also added into that concern was that Christmas is coming and he doesn’t want to ruin it for the kids. Plus based on Facebook messaging it only seems to have been some “drunken fumbling” so far. No actual sex.

Yes you do work on your MAP and get yourself as attractive as possible, but with another man active on the playing field, you need to actively intervene on that as your first order of business. Skip to Chapter 27 in the Primer and follow that. Once all the drama and dust settles, women typically will gravitate to the male with the most dominant approach to the situation. Gather your information and make a move to stopping it.

If you don’t intervene, you running the MAP isn’t going to work. She’s already getting her Alpha fix from someone else, leaving you only a Beta supply role. You can up your Alpha all you like and she won’t notice she’ll be so busy creating space between you. The sudden threat of ending the relationship and removing her entire Beta support system in your justifiable anger typically snaps a wife’s attention back into proper focus. The boyfriend is typically in no position to really offer her a Beta support structure, meaning the failure of the affair as a relationship. It usually takes the betrayed partner’s unwitting Beta support to sustain the affair.

Also it’s very tempting to drag the chain a little and keep the peace until after Christmas. I must strongly advise against that. The longer you let it go, the greater the likihood that the Emotional Affair, turns into a Physical Affair and that makes it a great deal harder to reign back in and repair. I would also assign a 100% chance that if the affair is still active by New Year’s Eve, that it will be fully sexual. She’ll just stage a big fight about something, storm off and make a beeline for him. You’ll be home alone with the kids and knowing exactly what is going down. New Year’s Eve is just one of those “the rules don’t apply” nights of the year.

She was having a good time, she had a few drinks, they were dancing, the ball dropped, it was meant to just be a little kiss, but then it wasn’t and “I don’t know. It just happened.”

So dig up the dirt and blow it all into the open as soon as possible. I’m told there’s quite a sizable divorce filing spike in early January each year. Tick Tock.

Preselection For Married Guys

Preselection is a tricky element for a married man to master.

Basically the more women that are interested in you, the better. If your wife sees some hot blond talking with you, slapping you on the forearm and laughing just a little too much… your wife is going to view her as being interested in you. So it’s tempting to create situations where your wife sees other women paying attention to you. Usually early attempts to make this happen simply turn into you hitting on another woman in front of your wife, and instead if your wife being attracted more… she’s just mad.

If you’re single and trying to meet women, then yes, you need to be active in approaches toward them. The bold confident approach is much better than being passive. However for married guys, you’ve already met a woman, so you’re not meant to be actively looking for another one. Thus you need to be somewhat passive and let them come to you.

The trick is to be generally attractive, engaging and playfully fun with your interactions with women… and importantly, most women you’re coming into contact with. Plus don’t ignore other men either. You’re just like this with everyone, it’s your personality to be magnetic and Alpha. You’re not trying to actively target someone to escalate. You’re just “the sort of guy that’s attractive to women”. Thus when women are attracted to you, the cause is your attractiveness and not you being disloyal. You weren’t out looking for anyone in particular, they came to you.

Your wife knowing other women want you is a very strong Alpha Trait presence. The balance of being loyal and not actively seeking women to escalate with is a strong Beta Trait presence. She’ll be turned on, but also feel you’re safe enough to trust and give you her all. Your wife wants to believe that you’re not going to dump (or cheat on) her on a whim, but push comes to shove, you’ll end up with a new woman easily.

The downside is without active approaches, the level of attractiveness you need to reach the threshold where other women approach you, is going to be higher. So if say she’s an 8, if you’re a 7 she’s not interested no matter what. If you’re an 8, nothing will happen until you make a move on her and start actively trying to engage her. If you’re a 9, you won’t need to make a move on her, she’ll seek you out.

So if your wife sees another woman being interested in you and you’re equal Sex Rank to her, your wife suspects you made a move on her. If your wife sees another woman being interested in you and you’re higher Sex Rank than her, your wife just thinks this is the sort of thing that happens when you have a hot husband.

On the flip side, being married is usually a Preselection boost in the eyes of other women. It’s not uncommon for freshly married guys to find themselves getting hit on more than they were before they were married.

Anyway the solution, single or married, is just the same. Make yourself more attractive. You catch more with honey and all that.

 

Empathy and Helping Others: Capacitor vs. Conduit

Comment on yesterday’s post, You Can’t Fix Their Problem.

J:  Very true, Athol.  The Strengthsfinder test shows Empathy as a strength.  To me it feels more like a weakness, because I feel other people’s emotions as if they were my own.  I’m 37 and still trying to figure out how to put my empathy into action without hurting myself.

Athol:  Undeveloped empathy is a pain in the ass and a classic trait of Nice Guys fast tracking the Betaization approach to a sexless marriage. And trust me… I get it. Someone else hurts and you feeeeeeeel it inside you. You just feeeeeel you have to do something and help them. Or you will feeeeeel awful. There is a solution though.

 You have to learn the difference between being a capacitor and a conduit or empathy will drain you into a lifeless, negative, depressed person very quickly. I don’t often talk about personal energy as I think it might be a side tracking concept for many people, though it’s definitely a vital “under the hood” reason of why the MMSL approach works. In this case though it’s the direct issue at hand so gotta talk about it.

In short, everyone has some sort of energy level ranging from high to low. People with higher levels of personal energy are more attractive than people with lower energy. Half the point of advising physical exercise when running the MAP is simply to raise the energy levels of the person. You end up looking and feeling happier and more attractive. Both the looking and the feeling are positive attractors.

We all know some down in the dumps person who never does anything but complain and we all like to route ourselves around dealing with them if possible. Likewise we all know some bright, perky, active and happy person who is active and engaged with the world that we like to seek out. Unless of course we’re the depressed grumpy person… because who can stand happy people when you’re unhappy. People of like energy levels tend to seek each other out. Half the point of the MAP is to raise your energy level so that your spouse raises theirs.

Incidentially, that raised energy level for people running the MAP often pays off in unexpected ways. People running the MAP to fix their marriage often report that things have gotten better at work, with their kids, the house is cleaner, they finally finished some other stalled project and so on. Fixing any problem in your life also helps fix every other problem in your life in a minor way too.

Anyway…

Personal Energy = your time, effort, money and mood.

A capacitor is something that can gain a positive charge and then release it… but once the energy is released, it’s delepeted of energy and needs a new source of charging. A conduit is simply a waypoint for an external energy source to flow from one point to the other.

When you feel emotionally moved by someone else’s problem and seek to solve it, if you act like a capacitor, you are using up your personal energy to create and maintain a solution. Basically energy moves from you to them. It’s a one way trip and while they can be better off for it, you end up being drained. Plus, because you are the source of their solution, they will return to you for yet more of your energy. Helping people can create unintentional dependency as you become part of their energy system.

When you try and solve a problem as a conduit, your job is simply to make yourself available as a tool for them to solve their own problem, using their own energy. You’re providing knowledge, advice, insight… basically providing a connection. You’re there to help remove blockages from their energy system. Sometimes you do use your own energy to jump start another system, but that’s to get it running under its own power again, rather than you continuing to power it.

So if you are particularly empathic, the solution isn’t to withdraw from the feelings of other people’s problems. The solution is actually to widen your scope and find out everything about the person and the problem at hand. Try and see the big picture of what empowers them as individuals and as a couple. What the true deep needs are. Find out the history of the relationship… what things were like when it was good… what was happening when things went wrong. If you can see the relationship/problem as an entire energy system, very often the blockage point is easy to find. Sometimes there’s more than one. This is why I ask for information on the entire relationship history, all the medical issues and medications, the emotional shock points, is there someone outside the relationship siphoning energy off the primary relationship? Then you’re looking to reconnect the relationship over that broken area, rather than you trying to resupply power to the entire thing from the outside.

So widen your scope. Open yourself further to your empathy and experience the total landscape of emotions and actions in others. Once you identify the problem area… let the other person solve the problem. By solving their problem for them, it makes you tired and them dependant on you.

And to be quite blunt, some people are just energy vampires. Just keep demanding they solve their problem… sometimes they will, but mostly they just start leaving you alone. Either way, you win.

Oh and hey…

May the Really Really Weak Force be with you.

 

Shields Up

Way back in the day I was at my best friend’s then girlfriend’s (now wife) house fairly often. Her sister J would give me a hard time every single time I was there. Looking back I think she was somewhat interested me, but just Fitness Tested me into the ground as a form of enjoyment. I was quite attracted to her, but the regular bitch-hazing she gave just ruled her out on that level. Plus she smoked so ewww.

Anyway…

One time I visit and completely out of character, before J could even say anything to me, I just unloaded on her a fairly roughly spoken one liner. The words leaving my mouth before I fully realized I was saying them.

“So J, are we speaking to each other today?”

Not terribly imaginative was it, but apparently it did the trick as J was stunned into silence and gave me no trouble whatsoever that whole day. I heard after the fact that my short sharp bitchslap was discussed and referred to for some time afterwards and while J still teased me, it was never again unpleasant.

Looking back, that day I didn’t even pass a Fitness Test, I just assumed one was coming and threw up some Shields. Today was don’t-fuck-with-Athol-day. Any other day, sure, pick on me, but today I’m coming in with my Shields up and weapons charged with pent up pissed off.

So…

Half the trouble Nice Guys have in their marriages, is that they are mentally trapped into being so nice to everyone, all the time, that they are in reality always somewhat annoyed at something. That annoyance is often never expressed until it’s really too late to do anything constructive about what’s bothering them, and it all just comes out in a giant Victim Puke of incoherent rage. Instead, they keep up the Nice Guy Care Bear routine and mask it all and pretend everything is just… fine.

If you’ve had a truly shitty day at work, are mentally exhausted and can’t really take anymore of anything… walking through the front door of your house like nothing much is wrong and immediately falling into a Nice Guy routine with your wife, simply invites her to add one more demand to your day. If that’s a Fitness Test she throws at you – an unreasonable request and/or unreasonable tone – then you mentally toss up between exploding on her (which you can’t do because you’re terrified of her leaving you), or simply folding and complying with her demands. You’ve got no defense you can muster up. So you fold.

What is vastly better to do, is actually release some of that annoyance / anger / rage, into useful defensive Shields. If your expressing moderate bad temper because your personal boundaries have already been crossed today, your wife is much less likely to decide to cross your person boundaries that day too. After all, she doesn’t want to unleash all your pent up pissed off about other things, onto her as well.

What is very important to understand though, is this is not an aggressive tactic. You aren’t angry at her, you are simply angry and not in the mood to be messed with. You are in fact trying to calm down and relax. You’re taking space. You aren’t seeking conflict. You’re grabbing your boxing gloves and heading down into the basement and going smack-smack-smack-SMACK smack-smack-smack-SMACK SMACK! SMACK! while listening to some bad-ass testosterone music. She’s not coming down there to ask you to re-hang curtains tonight.

Now you can’t run this routine every single day because it gets old fairly quickly. But you can certainly stop bundling up all your rage into a tiny ball and trying to give yourself cancer somewhere. Relax a little, let some of it out. The most likely thing to happen is that by acting as a stereotypical testosterone fueled male… she’ll actually be more sexually responsive than usual. Women can quite enjoy being on the receiving end of a man who is a bit worked up, it’s a close cousin to dominance.

And just repeating this one more time in case someone doesn’t get it. If she’s not the cause of the anger, don’t direct the anger at her. You’re consciously trying to express the anger, but direct it away from her. If she wants to get in there and offer ways to help calm you down, then that’s fine, but generally you’re suggesting she backs off a bit.

It’s also doesn’t have to be all dramatic either. See how far looking annoyed and frowning a bit gets you first.