Body Agenda and Sex Rank | Married Man Sex Life

Mate Guarding For The Win (And Wetness)

October 10, 2012 By Athol Kay 41 Comments

Here’s the scenario, some dude makes a fairly direct move on your wife in front of you. Some responses from the forum…

sf64: On Saturday night, 5 guys asked “I” for a dance. Five times, she declined. She never looked to me for guidance, my opinion, or for me to say anything. She just politely turned them down.

One of them was not taking no for an answer. I stood up, put my hand on his shoulder, looked him in the eye and said, “The lady said no.” He looked at me, said, “I’m sorry” then turned and walked away.

RedPillNewb: Mate-guarding can be seen as a strong, Captain-y thing to do. It may be that your woman doesn’t actually want to dance with this loser (or go to Vegas with Queen Bee, or go to the GNO), but is too polite and people-pleasing to say no. So she counts on you to say it for her and protect her from the social embarassment of rejecting someone. That can make her feel protected and safe thanks to her manly man.

Fredless: The three of us were out to dinner, along with my wife’s and my two sons. Friend is talking about a sandwich shop that he loves that neither wife or I have heard of. He looks at my wife and says, “I have to take you there for lunch.”

My wife nodded and went about her dinner, thinking absolutely nothing of it. About 18 months ago, I would have done the same.

This time, as soon as he said it, I stared at him–looking right in his eyes. It was clear that I was not pleased with that invitation. He stammered over his words and then threw out, “Yea, we’ll all have to go.”

After dinner, I let wife know I wasn’t pleased with Friend’s sandwich shop invitation and she clearly had no idea what I meant. I told her I trust her completely but no man is going to ask my wife out, particularly with me sitting right there. I pointed out how he changed the invitation right after I stared at him. She did remember Friend changing the invitation. She didn’t even know I had given Friend ‘the look’ and asked surprised, “You did that? Just stared at him?” [note: obvious gina tingles were now emanating from my wife].

Athena: There was a new guy at work a while back, who was kind of feeling out all the women, probably to see if there was any interest. He hit on me out of sight of my husband, which I of course shot down, but I told him about it right away.

I guess “mate guarding” describes what my husband did in response at a work social function. He got very physical and made sure new guy saw him kissing, hugging me, etc. Complete with a couple of stare-downs. Honestly, it made me giggle at how AMOG he was trying to be.

But it worked, because the new kid wouldn’t even make eye contact with me for a month! And when he did have a legit reason to approach me with something work-related, he took it to my husband first!

Be still my heart…if he only knew how hot that was!

Maria: Knowingly hitting on someone else’s wife/girlfriend is a challenge. Always. It has to be met appropriately by display of strength, not fear or indifference.

Kar: We were out at a fancy event seated at a table with a business associate of my husbands. Man is married but his wife was not there (he frequently leaves her at home-what does that tell you?), anyway, Man says to my husband in front of entire table and loud enough for all to hear, Wow, (MY name) is looking so hot tonight, I may just have to hit on her later.”

This dude does cheat on his wife. My husband points his finger at Man and says, “NO! Don’t talk that way about my wife. Not cool.”

I actually really liked this. I felt like he was protecting what what his, A, and B, not allowing this man to disrespect me.

I’d like to add, (since this happened to me), that when my husband responded that way, the man put both his hands up, palms forward and back-peddeled fast, “Okay, I’m sorry, I meant no disrespect.” He looked like an ass, and my husband looked like the Alpha one. Yeah, it made me wet.

Was my husband afraid I might actually want to be hit on? Or even possibly cheat with this man. Um, not a chance. It was more about him not allowing this guy to talk about me like one of his many other use-them-for-sex targets. He demanded respect for me. HOT!

Pastorgeek: Always mate guard. Always. Vary the intensity according to the situation, but always guard. From The Look to major force, just understand the consequences of anything beyond The Look.

Kort: My husband has never mate guarded and I kinda resent him for it. I can think of times when I felt actively threatened by another man who was making a move on me in front of my husband. The first time was when a male friend of ours crawled into bed with me while I was sleeping, cause he and my husband wanted to see what I would do. I cuddled with him then woke up enough to tell him not to wear clothes to bed, realized it was not my husband and freaked out. My husband was standing in the doorway laughing like he was going to pee himself.

A more recent one was when we were out with friends for karaoke and there was a guy at the bar who wouldn’t take no for an answer. He tried to pull me out of my chair and my friends boyfriend decked him. My husband told me he didn’t bother because he knew I could handle myself. Yeah, had he got me standing up, I would have laid him out flat, but I shouldn’t have had to. One indication from my husband that I was off limits would have had the guy backing down.

So, yeah, mate-guarding can be very important.

Linanati: I’ve found that if a man is pursuing me, it’s much, much harder for me to put a stop to it than it is for my husband to do so. When it comes from me, the guy will often think he can change my mind if he persists. Every time my husband has gotten involved, the other guy has immediately backed off. Based on that, I think that, as long as it isn’t taken to irrational extremes, mate-guarding is an alpha behavior.

Athol: Saved the most important two for last…

Danceny: Men don’t often make “direct and open challenges” IME; they make slimy, plausibly deniable, tacit or “just being funny” challenges. They observe the woman’s and man’s responses and then escalate to something a shade more overt, and repeat.

An important distinction bears reiterating because a lot of Red Pillers miss it. An Alpha is aloof/indifferent to women’s emotions; he is NOT aloof to interloping males. Just look at primates.

sf64: IMHO, there really is only one way to ‘mate guard’ and that is to have a clearly higher sex rank. If you are a 5 and your wife is an SR7, you have a big problem. If an SR8 takes a hard run at her… she is going to at least think about it. Now, if your wife is an SR7 and you are an SR8, she might be susceptible to an SR9 or SR10, but in reality, an SR10 is not likely going to be interested in an SR7.

Athol: Danceny is 100% correct that most hitting on your wife in front of you is not going to be a direct request for her sexual attention. It’s going to be some kind of subtle teasing, put down, flirting, whoops-I-didn’t-mean-it-serious comment. It’s always serious. It’s just him testing the fences like the raptors in Jurassic Park. Put him on your mental list of shitheads to keep an eye on forever.

Likewise sf64 is correct that ultimately, the best defense is a good offense. Keep your Sex Rank up as high as you can. As long as you’re trumping her Sex Rank a little, she’s not going to be nearly as willing to risk ruining her good deal for a one time upgrade.

The real risk of your Sex Rank falling below your wife’s isn’t having to fend off guys hitting on her in front of you. It’s her hitting on them.

Oh and ladies. You can mate guard too. Don’t just sit there while some bitch starts putting her grubby little paws on your man. Defend what’s yours.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Being Attractive is a Daily Discipline

September 25, 2012 By Athol Kay 39 Comments

The number one problem you have with creating and sustaining your attractiveness, is that you give attention to time-sinks and the urgent but unimportant stuff, while you neglect the non-urgent but important stuff.

Take a peek at the classic Four Quadrants from Seven Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen Covey.

The most important quadrant is the first one. You just have to do this stuff and that’s all there is to it. So you do that stuff as a matter of course. Moving on…

The second quadrant is very important too. But because nothing in there is urgent, it’s tempting to skip on it. If you miss a day in the gym, nothing happens to you. There’s no immediate consequence for eating a cupcake. If you don’t go back to school for advanced training, you don’t get fired from your current job. If you don’t plan out your goals for the year, no one yells at you. But skip doing the second quadrant for long enough, and lo and behold you’re Captain Cupcake in a shitty job and no plan for the future…

…there doesn’t seem to be a consequence for all that lack of effort until you’re at a party and your wife hands you her purse and spends the rest of the night twirling her hair at some asshole. Now she’s just laughing at his jokes. Now she slapped his arm and wagged her finger at him like he did something wrong… but she’s grinning at him.

WTF! She just leaned in and whispered something to him… what the hell did she say??!?!

It’s easy to totally neglect quadrant two, in favor of quadrant three and four. So let’s talk about that.

Troubles in quadrant three are typically resolved by time management. The truth of the matter is that at least half the people you work with are vacuous warm bodies, wasting the planet’s precious resources by their mere existence. Every time you have to interact with one of these people, you lurch into the third quadrant. But you do have to interact with them somehow. So productive people tend to structure their day to condense their exposure to the herd. They get into the office early and work like crazy to get as much done as possible before… ah… here comes frakking Jerry making his way across the office like a sloth… don’t make eye contact, don’t make eye contact… ah crap he’s coming right here… ah fabulous, he wants to talk about the quarterly report filing system protocol revision that was discussed at the staff meeting held two weeks ago. Maybe if you went to the meeting you’d know.

See how that whole paragraph got padded with a waste of time. I think I actually got a slight touch of PTSD just writing the phrase “quarterly report filing system protocol revision.” Jennifer is gonna groan during editing too lol. (Jennifer: OMG yes. I get more done before 10am than in the entire rest of the day when the office is full of people asking me questions lol.)

Anyway, the other thing you can do is limit when you look at email, make phone calls or whatever it is that you do. Find a way to structure your day to make it as efficient as possible. Find the time lost into the ether of idiots. Use that time to do your quadrant two stuff.

Quadrant four is just all purpose time wasting, which is admittedly fun sometimes, but if done at the expense of quadrant two, you’re in trouble. Classic quadrant four time-sinks are Facebook, Farmville, World of Warcraft, mindless day time TV, standing outside having a cigarette for a total of 1.75 hours of your work day (Seriously will someone please fire those useless sandbags!), a six pack a couple of times a week, yada yada yada. No productive purpose + heavy effort = a meaningless time-sink.

In one very meaningful sense, all the MAP is doing is getting you to drop as much quadrant four stuff as you can and replacing it with quadrant two. You’re going to eat right. You’re going to work out. You’re going to not just let things slide between the two of you. You’re going to find your way to a better income. You’re going to fix the house up. You’re mowing the lawn, changing the oil, and not letting the kids get away with murder. There are probably some ways you can squeeze some found time out of quadrant three, but the easy move is dumping quadrant four for quadrant two.

And yeah, it’s a bit boring at times. You could be knocking a few cold ones back, but instead you’re at the gym. It’s not always fun, it’s hard work, but there will be a pay off eventually. Keep at it long enough and one day you’ll be out having fun chatting to some hot MILF you just met and having a good time… but dimly aware of some tubby dude holding a purse glaring at you for no apparent reason…

…then the MILF leans in and whispers something in your ear…

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

The Awkward Post About How Penis Size Matters

September 21, 2012 By Athol Kay 23 Comments

Look I hate to be a downer, but penis size actually matters. Every study comes back saying that most women don’t really worry about the size of the guys penis, unless he’s like way too big, or way to small. Every article on penis size ends with a serious but kind statement to the effect of “Guys it’s all in your head. So relax.”

Well as much as I’m a social science guy, I think it’s all Blue Pill prattle. Let’s have a wee peek at Wikipedia.

Human penis size is the measured length and width of the human penis. The most accurate measurement of the human penis comes from several measurements at different times since there is natural minor variability in size due to arousal level, time of day, room temperature, frequency of sexual activity, and reliability of measurement. When compared to other primates, including large primates such as the gorilla, the human penis is largest, both in absolute terms and in relative size to the rest of the body. Measurements vary, with studies that rely on self-measurement reporting a significantly higher average than those with staff measuring. However, the mean of an erect human penis is approximately 12.9–15.0 cm (5.1–5.9 in) in length. Flaccid penis length is a poor estimate of erect length. Most of human penis growth happens between infancy and the age of five, and between about one year after the onset of puberty and, at latest, approximately 17 years of age.[1]

So while the studies all say “size matters not”, we’re all walking around with what amounts to a big cock compared to our primate cousins. That unusually large human penis is the result of sexual selection. Meaning in plain English, human females kept choosing human males with above average penis size, and after that went on long enough, we all ended up… proportionately… slightly better hung than horses. (But not quite as good as an African Bull Elephant.)

So I have to think women all, shall we say, “soften the truth” to the pasty nerdy guy holding a clipboard in his slightly shaking hands as he asks an actual girl how much penis size matters.

So…

Penises come in four types to women, and where the lines on actual inches are varies from woman to woman, so it’s all relative.

(1) Way too small. There’s just nothing you can do about this one. If she’s really into you and as soon as she sees your penis the entire relationship changes direction toward you being dumped, you’re too small for her. No matter what she says was the issue, it’s cock size that was the issue.

(2) Way too big. Oh it may look majestic and powerful, but if she’s basically in pain from sex, she won’t like it very much. Being very long can smack something internally and she’s going to worry about being not merely “a good kind of sore”, but actually injured from sex. Plus there’s no such thing as a quickee, there’s take-a-lot-of-time-and-lubrication-and-take-it-slow-ow-ow-ow-I-said-slow. Some women also need to feel the guys balls slapping against them too, so if those are a couple inches clear because he can’t go balls deep, it’s not as fun for her.

(3) Just right. Some lucky couples have a perfect match up. He’s right on her maximum limit of what she can take without heading into too big world. He can pound rough and it doesn’t hurt, or slow and sweet and it still feels good. If this is you, you have a good thing going and can probably have an easy time of gaming your wife. I guessing around 5% of couples fall in this group.

(4) How Much Money Do You Make? The truth is, about 90% of all guys fall into this group. Your penis is within operational parameters, it’s not way too small, or way too big, but neither is it just right. What you do however is compensate by making money, running game, having a proper house, not taking her shit for no reason, and generally doing everything else I’ve been talking about on the blog. As long as you’re doing all that consistently, you’re probably going to be just fine, that’s what women mean when they say size doesn’t matter… they assume the penis is attached to a great guy who isn’t way too small or way too big. They aren’t going to dump you to put themselves back on the market for some other guy who probably has the same dick size as you anyway.

I gotta be honest though, the closer you are to the small end of (4), the more effort you need to put into keeping your crap together. All things being equal, if two guys lose their job and end up sitting at home playing too much Halo, when they should be looking for work, the guy with the four inch dick is skating on a lot thinner ice than the guy with the six inch dick. That’s all I’m saying, ya’ll know its true, it’s just ugly to say it out loud.

If you’re on the smaller side, it is an utterly terrible idea to introduce swinging, hotwife, or polyamory into the relationship. If she gets a “Just Right” match up, you’re in a world of trouble faster than you can blink. Likewise when getting involved with high partner count women, you have to assume that somewhere back in the past is a Mr. Just Right, and if that guy Facebooks her out of the blue, you’re going to have a harder time of time pulling it back from the brink.

If you are particularly small, don’t give up. Just like male genitals come in all sizes, so do female ones. Keep looking and even advertise it quietly but confidently. For a small percentage of women it’s not a bug, it’s a feature. A woman who is very small in the triangle with an above average hung husband isn’t going to be a happy camper.

There’s also a fairly significant positive boost to marital happiness, self reported sexual enjoyment and reduced divorce chances from marrying a virgin (or at least a virgin when you met her) woman. I gotta wonder how much of that is directly related to an “ignorance is bliss” effect, where lack of experience means wives married to a husband with a type (4), believe that it’s in fact a type (3) penis.

Also something to consider is that almost all penis size “studies” ask for volunteers to allow themselves to be measured. So the results can be thrown off by a bunch of self-selecting bigger than average guys volunteering to drop their jeans to be measured by some female grad student with a flippy ponytail. So as far as I can tell there’s no clear understanding as to what exactly is average anyway. If you’re worried about how big you are, try getting a side on view in the bathroom mirror of your wife blowing you...

…it may surprise you.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, How To Choose A Wife

Does Wanting To Have Sex With Other People Go Away?

September 20, 2012 By Athol Kay 16 Comments

Serenity: Let me ask you this since we’re being all open and honest and all…I know you’ve said that even though you love your wife, you’re still sometimes attracted to other women. Do you think that can ever change? I still have to fight that in myself. Is it possible to ever be so much in love with your spouse that you’re no longer attracted to others? It’s tiring sometimes to always have to shut your mind down.

Athol: Understanding how the three love systems work is helpful here.

(1) The basic “oh she’s hot” testosterone sex drive will never go away. A nice rack is a nice rack is a nice rack. Velly Nice. This one simply can’t be helped as long as you have testosterone and a pulse. I check out other women all the time. Not in a creepy hands doing something under my raincoat sort of way, more in a sort of a dirty anthropologist way. So if you happen to catch me checking you out, please just relax, the photos are for science.

(2) The pair bonding oxytocin/vasopressin system between Jennifer and myself is very strong. I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to live with her whatsoever. I really like Jennifer and she’s someone I trust and never want to hurt… non-consensually. Actually back up a little… I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to be her friend or trust her. Some of that is simply being 42 instead of 22 I think, but a lot is just being bonded to Jennifer. After having an orgasm with Jennifer I pretty much have an automatic nap that I have no control over, just the vasopressin pathways with a deep groove in my head.

So I’m horny and happy, and that’s all good. The potential trouble of the (1) system is handled by frequent sex and the (2) system. Being laid like tile really helps. I’ve had a couple of blindingly obvious offers for sex in the last few years (“oh nurse, can I show you something in private, I just want to know if it’s okay… how does THAT look?”) and turning them down was actually pretty easy, especially the guys.

My trouble… and likely your trouble too, comes from the third love system…

(3) Most couples have a higher desire person and a lower desire person. That’s simply in comparison to each other though, in our relationship, Jennifer is the low desire spouse, really only wanting sex for her own pleasure 5-6 times a week. If she was with a guy that only wanted sex 2-3 times a week, she’d be the high desire spouse.

So anyway, I’m the high desire spouse, and that desire is not just a sexual desire thing, but also an overall need for stimulation and attention. It’s a need for dopamine. Mix in my ADHD and I’m pretty much… pretty much…. okay fuck it I’ll say it, I’m the Crazy Bitch in the relationship.

Jennifer: Lmao, I would like to point out that he said it, I didn’t.

Anyway… I do get bored and understimulated and that’s where I go astray and get into trouble. It’s so easy for me to start chatting and flirting and BAM! I’m starting to emotionally engage with someone and I can feel myself starting to line up a set of crosshairs on them. I’m much, much better at recognizing when I’m doing it and breaking things off nowdays though. Awareness of what is happening on a dopamine level is really helpful in breaking things off. Whoever I’m talking to is simply not my soulmate or a special snowflake, they just emotionally feel that way. In reality she’s just some pleasant, attractive, interested in me woman, and everything in my head is lighting up on cue. Attraction isn’t controllable. But breaking it off early is. I’ve actually done really really well with this the last year.

The other half of the fix is understanding that it’s just a need for stimulation, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with the relationship, me being bored doesn’t mean Jennifer sucks as a wife. Well she does suck the other way, but you know what I meant. It means I can just ask for stimulation from Jennifer. “Help I’m starting to feel nutty, I need X Y or Z tonight.” I used to meet that whole dopamine thing via World of Warcraft as a form of self-medication. Now I write the blog, swoop in to help marital crises yada yada, and ask for particularly intense sex acts.

I’ve given Jennifer near total information on what turns me on emotionally and sexually. Hell you guys can just read the blog and you’ll figure out 90% of what turns me on. It’s really not rocket science or mind reading to push my buttons. There are things that she can do that pull my attention onto her. If you ever hear that we divorce it will totally be Jennifer’s fault for not following the handy 57 page guide to my personal kink. RTFM.

What was the question again?

Oh. No, it doesn’t all vanish. Not if you’re basically high libido and have a pulse. But that doesn’t mean you’re eyeing the exit or standing at the window whimpering to be let out. All it is, is a need for stimulation that you have to pay attention to. I also get that it’s an effort to try and shut your mind down about other people sometimes, but the solution is to ask for help from your partner and clue them into what to do. You just need to have the conversation about “this is asking for help and working on our marriage” as opposed to “I’m threatening to cheat on you”. It’s completely possible to manage it forever… and have some amazing sexual experiences together ”managing it.”

Jennifer: All true. Athol is fun to live with… tiring lol, but fun.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, How To Choose A Wife, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, Sexual Health Issues, Sexy Moves

Why Crazy Bitches Are So Good In Bed

September 18, 2012 By Athol Kay 17 Comments

So why are crazy bitches so hot in bed?

The probably surprising answer to most long term readers, is that crazy bitches don’t have much of a Rationalization Hamster, and that’s why they’re so hot in bed.

Confused? Let me explain…

The bits and pieces powering your sex drive, are all based in your Body Agenda. More particularly it’s based in the Limbic System which you have no conscious control over. Your Body Agenda is essentially always on, and has a fairly minimal moral compass beyond trying to ensure it’s immediate social group survives and thrives. The more thoughtful morality center is based in the more rational thinking part of the brain – the Neo-Cortex. Depending on your upbringing we all have an internal monologue voiced by some combination of Christopher Hitchens and Church Lady. (Shame on you and isn’t that special.)

So in reality, the majority of the time, the Rationalization Hamster is actually thinking up reasons to not follow our baser instincts, and thus be well behaved. So when you find out some guy has been putting the moves on your girl, it’s actually your Rationalization Hamster overriding your Body Agenda and telling you to be cool and not get into a physical dust up. That’s how you get either seriously injured or jailed, be cool dude, be cool. On a biological level though, you just want to fuck him up.

For women, the overwhelming majority of the time, their Rationalization Hamster is absolutely telling them to play it cool. Don’t be slutty, don’t have a high partner count, don’t be a stripper, don’t appear in porn, don’t wear too revealing clothing, don’t drink that, don’t drive too fast, don’t color outside the lines, be on time, be nice, smile at everyone, be home by 10, don’t fart until after you’re married.

What happens for the more naturally Beta women, is that by over-thinking things, and having too strong of a Rationalization Hamster, they can actually inhibit their sex drive and sexual performance. Don’t show outwardly that you have sexual impulses, play it safe, don’t make too much noise, orgasming too well makes you look slutty, don’t have too many moves, nice girls don’t do that, you whore that’s where poop comes out.

Crazy chicks though, simply can’t muster up the mental rigor to act as any sort of inhibition on their sex drive. If the Neo-Cortex is all whack-a-do, or periodically just switches completely off, instead of some sense of control over her sex drive, you get full force Body Agenda at work. Deep down all women love sex, but with crazy bitches there is no “deep down”, it’s all up on the surface, laid bare for all to see. Body Agenda is a fickle friend and it’s moods and interests run hot and cold from moment to moment. This is why crazy bitches are suddenly hot to trot and then absolutely not trotting anywhere but out the door.

Now when mentally normal women end up having sex, or seeking to avoid sex, their Neo-Cortex is engaged and they will come up with reasons to justify their actions. He’s my husband, we’re engaged now, I met his mother so he’s actually serious about me, if I don’t put out now I’m going to lose this really great guy. Thus when a non-crazy woman decides to cheat on her husband who is a great guy and nice to her and the kids, the rationalizations required to undo all her prior thoughts of morality and justify doing something evil, take quite a lot of mental effort. There’s almost a personality de-programming that takes place as she unpicks all the old rationalizations to be a good girl, and replaces them with ones that say cheating on her husband is okay for her in this particular circumstance. Men do the exact same things too. The Body Agenda wants to bang someone inappropriate and leans all over the Neo-Cortex to agree. Eventually the Neo-Cortex finds some BS way of agreeing with the Body Agenda. Along with the dopamine effect from exposure to the lover, this is why people in the middle of affairs have an almost total personality change.

That unpicking of the old morality codes is one of the reasons that previously “mild housewives” turn into “raging cockwhores” during an affair. The “be a good girl” rules are all intertwined with one another, once one breaks, most of them will shatter too. Pretty much any woman that’s had an affair is going to be potentially more open to much wilder sexual activity in the aftermath. It all depends on if she was caught and if so, how the morality restructuring went afterwards. Typically though, once a cheater, always a cheater… unless you can point to a very clear rebuilding of commitment and an acute sense of having done wrong.

If you want the perfect setting for the Rationalization Hamster for a Red Pill woman, it’s pretty easy to figure out. Everything and anything goes sexually inside the relationship, nothing goes outside the relationship. You can get to that setting starting from either the slutty side of the equation, or from the good girl side of the equation. But it’s not an easy or overnight route for either one though. That’s why I’ve done posts encouraging the good girls adding some bitch.

Crazy bitches though can’t ever really reform because they can’t keep a thought together for more than two seconds. They just live in a sort of endless “Running of the Bulls…”

…starring as the bull.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, How To Choose A Wife, Nice Guys and Betaization

Men and Women Can’t Be Friends

September 7, 2012 By Athol Kay 68 Comments

Being completely honest, I can’t ever remember having a female friend that I didn’t want to have sex with. Not one. Ladies if the guy is hanging with you, he wants to bend you over something and take up a couple minutes of your time. This is because you can bet that if there was some other woman he was more attracted to than you, he’d be hanging around her and not you. Guys simply aren’t interested in women they don’t want to have sex with. Short attention span and all that.

Women however, if they don’t feel the sexual impulse for the guy orbiting them, still value them as potential chumps and back-up plans. They’re a sort of insurance strategy. You never know when you’re going to need a tire changed or someone else to buy you a cup of coffee. Or maybe lift a heavy object or something.

Importantly…. women pretty much know when a guy likes them and is orbiting them. So if you’re orbiting someone, she knows and you revealing your feelings for her isn’t going to be a surprise. She’ll act surprised of course, but she isn’t. Then comes the carefully crafted speech about how you’re gonna make someone a great boyfriend/husband, but not her and she values your friendship so much she doesn’t want to change something that works so well for her.

So if you’re a single guy and you are with a girl you particularly like, you have to immediately make a move on her to start the relationship heading toward the boyfriend/husband track and not the friend / tire changer / wallet / emotional pit crew / chump track. I’m not saying you have to try and get to second base inside of twenty minutes of meeting her, just at least try and close for a number or a date, touch her arm, tease her or something. Anything other than respectful acquiescence and standing around smothered in your emotional bubble wrap.

If you get a positive reaction, cool. If you get no reaction, you’re probably stuck in a holding pattern and won’t be called in to land. Just don’t stick around and waste too much time with her, find someone else you find attractive and make a move on her.

Now if you’re a married guy, if your wife has a male friend she hangs out with, that’s the top of her back-up guy list. There’s probably another guy you aren’t even aware of, but that guy is gonna be her first port of call should things fall apart with you. He totally wants to do her. You know that because he’s a guy and if he wasn’t interested, he wouldn’t be hanging around her, he’d be hanging around someone else he wanted to bang. Ladies, pussy is always more interesting to a guy that isn’t getting enough, than whatever shared activity you think he’s so into, he wants to do it with you.

Likewise if they are ever alone together. I mean really alone alone. That means he’s passing her Isolation Anxiety defenses. He doesn’t make her feel creeped out. Which means she’s interested in him on a sexual level. Which is of course why wives go ballistic when their husband is ever alone alone with another woman, because they know she’s into him and what the tune really is.

Some videos to illustrate.

And if you want the harsher version… Chris Rock brings the pain. (Some language, cover your ears Sis.)

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization

Wheat is Evil. (Wheat. What?)

September 5, 2012 By Athol Kay 31 Comments

So anyway, life had been crazy getting ready for the Army seminar thing and I hardly exercised at all the last month, with the exception of walking twice a day. Deadline crunching just consumes me like you wouldn’t believe. But overall I’ve stuck fairly well to the Paleo diet with the exception of travel. Oh and the odd handful of corn chips… and for some reason I had to have Black Raspberry ice cream and got through a half gallon of that somewhere along the way.

So anyway… about five weeks, mostly just walking as exercise, adhering fairly well to Paleo eating.

Nine pound weight loss. All fat, no muscle loss.

So…

I’ll try not to become a True Believer(TM) on ya’ll, but it really seems to be working for me.

Anyway, short video on the evils of wheat. I believe you get a 30 second ad I can’t remove before the video.

Kids are finally back in school, so I’ll get back to the exercise more properly soon enough. Finally have the house to myself during the day and can figure out a routine.

/sigh of contentment

Jennifer: Yeah, I was not convinced about the Paleo thing at first…but the whole no processed food thing just makes sense. Just being aware of what I eat (almost said what I put in my mouth…nudge nudge wink wink) makes a difference…more veggies, fruits and meat, less processed junk. I mean really, if it’s so processed they had to add vitamins and minerals back into the food, that’s a bad sign, right?

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Sexual Health Issues

Young Guy Game vs Old Guy Game

September 1, 2012 By Athol Kay 47 Comments

As you get older, you change. In some ways for the better, in some ways for the worse. Typically it’s a physical decline vs. a mental and resources gain.

I actually look back at myself in an odd sort of awe. How did I not know I was as good looking as I was? Oh I wasn’t like crazy hot guy, but certainly far better than I thought I was. How was I not simply asking girls out frequently? Holy crap that would have been so easy to have gotten not just a few more dates, but a ton of dates and all that could have come with that. Once you learn Game you’re always going to look back into the past and realize how often you missed an opportunity with a girl. Maybe not just any girl either… you totally messed up with the girl. The one you really wanted.

You realize you could’ve. You realize you should’ve.

But that’s all gone and here you are now. Older. Slower. It’s not as easy as it was. Everything comes with extra little price in pain or energy compared to how it was twenty years ago. What you have though, is a lot more experience, skill and stuff piled up. Young guys have potential for future power, that’s what attracts women to them, older guys are judged on whether or not they actually achieved power. Whether or not that’s personal power, social power, physical power, financial power or whatever power doesn’t matter. It’s potential power vs actual power. That’s why as an older guy writing about Game I’ve increasingly started talking about structural attraction issues, rather than how to order drinks in the bar so girls think you’re the hot catch of the evening.

Older guys don’t have any time to create the impression of power, we actually have to have it. That’s why younger guys can turn their dating life around as fast as it takes to hit the gym for a couple months and buy some proper clothes, and older guys can have a 1-2 year program of development ahead of them. Got to fix the structural stuff. I have readers who have made deeply serious goals like doubling their income inside two years, or getting an advanced degree in their forties, or losing 100 pounds. Big heavy projects that just have to get done for the success they want. Not to mention stalled marriages and kids to consider.

The good news is that actual power, is more attractive than the potential for power, because not all potential is reached. That’s why a woman in her twenties can find a guy in his forties attractive. But he’ll always have some degree of actual power and have kept his physical decline under good control.

The fantasy match up is young you vs. you now.

So let’s say me at age 24 facing off against me at age 42 for Jennifer at age 22. Imagining that we’re both meeting Jennifer for the first time at those ages. How would it play out?

Well I think some of the early play would have gone to #24. Better looking, funny, smart and I would have made a move on her… a very respectful move though. #24 would have asked her out on dates, though to be honest, some quite modest dates in a crappy car for transportation. He’d try and get her back to his itsy-bitsy-teenie-weenie apartment… and prove what a nice respectful guy he was. He’d make some real progress, but minus all that nutty long distance stuff creating an Alpha illusion, I just don’t know how fast things would have gone.

#42 though would have a whole different level of play. At first he wouldn’t even be interested in Jennifer… too young to be bothered with, but ultimately she’s going to start showing her positive values and she is kinda cute. So #42 makes a move… he calls her up and tells her he’s taking her out to dinner, doesn’t say it’s a date or ask for one, just say’s he’s taking her out… and she just complies. Then it’s a proper car to a proper restaurant, hand on her lower back guiding her into her seat. It’s that same funny, smart guy, but with some greater range and some wisdom. #42 lays his hand down on the table palm up and she puts her hand in his as they talk and the wine bottle gets emptier and emptier.

The transition is back to #42′s place… an actual house, not an amazingly amazing house, but definitely a house with a backyard, near a brand new K-8 school and extra rooms for imagined children. His move is somewhat more assertive on her. A slow but firm pull into him and deep passionate kissing and an escalation to a hand on her breast. Once it gets to trying to remove pieces of clothing though, she tenses up. “I would like you to stay.” Stay. The most perfect word to use. It implies sex, but doesn’t explicitly state it. “But if you aren’t ready yet, we can take you home and continue this another night.” #42 gets up to go to the bathroom, “I’ll be right back.” Time for her to think, to not feel pressured to stay, time to change her mind. Five minutes later he’s back and she still asks to go home, “Good for you.” says #42. As he drops her off he says, “I’ll never make you do anything you don’t want, but when you want it, I’ll make sure you like it.”

The next morning #42 texts her, “I know what you did when I dropped you off last night.” “Oh? What’s that?” “You masturbated thinking about what would have happened if you stayed the night with me.” “OMG how did you know?” “LOL your secrets are safe with me.” “You”re a bad, bad man.” “You’re welcome. “

About this time #24 and #42 discover the other is interested in Jennifer. There’s not a fist fight or anything stupid, just an awkward meeting where #42 stares #24 down and into stepping out of the way as they pass in the hall.

Time passes. #24 ups the ante with flowers, poetry and a few too many calls and texts about his interest in her. #42 texts her, “Wanna go to DisneyWorld this weekend?” “That’s in Florida, I can’t afford that.” “I’ve got enough frequent flyer miles for two tickets.” “Let me think.” “You know you wanna.” “Um… rooms?” “Room.” “This is kinda quick” “I know what I like.” “What happens after that?” “That’s up to you.”

Three hours of radio silence later…

“I’m still thinking.”

“Tickets are booked, I’m going to go have fun either way. Flight is 650pm on Friday.”

#24 asks her out again for a Saturday date. Sunday? Friday? “What are you doing all weekend?” “I might be going on a short vacation trip with a friend.” “It’s him isn’t it.”

After that comes a line of intense questioning along the lines of what-exactly-are-you-thinking and what-has-this-guy-really-offered-you. But there’s this genuine tone of concern in there, not just about what he’s going to be losing if she goes, but that she’s truly understanding what she’s getting into and whether she’s going to be okay. It’s actually quite touching. He really cares. He’s protective.

“So what are you offering then?”

Could’ve, should’ve….

“Marriage.” One word. The big one. Spoken with clarity and conviction. An amazing weekend and possibly more, or the whole package of potential?

So who wins?

Jennifer: LOL you’re an ass making me do this! For the record I’ve NEVER dated two people at once. This is a question I’ve never thought about. In reality, 22-year-old me would have been far too intimidated by 42-year-old you, just on principle. Both “guys” have their advantages, but you’re right that the 42-year-old shows what he’s capable of more than the 24-year-old, just by virtue of life experience and accumulated working years leading to more “stuff”. And really, when you’re 22, 42 seems ancient lol.

Athol: Somehow I feel rejected lol.

Jennifer: Well that depends on whether or not you take me to Disney

Athol: LMAO

Jennifer: /faux-pouts

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Humor and Everything Else, Sexy Moves, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Break The Premarital Sex Rules, Win Valuable Prizes

August 29, 2012 By Athol Kay 29 Comments

Reader: Hi Athol, I’ve reading your blog for a few months now and I’ve gone through some of the archives but I have not seen this question addressed although I’m sure it has. Do you need to have sex before marriage in order to know you will enjoy sex with that person later? To know that you have “chemistry”? Or is all that is needed is two willing partners willing to work towards pleasing each other? So that in essence, you could have good sex with anybody.

Thank you for your time.

Athol: In short, most penises fit into most vaginas, so it will probably be just fine. If you’ve kissed each other a ton and you feel you have chemistry when you do that, you’ve got chemistry.

But… day-um marriage is high stakes poker these days. So I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume you have, or are about to have, a fiance, and you’re from a conservative religious background.

So….

Rather than reach into the morality bag for a large stick to beat you with, let’s just say that the plan to wait until marriage is called the Virginity Strategy. The basic plan being that if you wait until marriage, you arrive unsullied, without baggage, without bad experiences and with all that pristine sexuality, you and your bride merge easily and happily into a really high quality sexual relationship.

The good news is that really can be all true. The Virginity Strategy really can work out really well for a couple. But it’s not a perfect plan and some people end up with dramatic sexual failures as a result. Sometimes you discover some kind of unknown sexual incompatibility. Sometimes the Virginity Strategy is purposely used by one half of the couple as a smoke screen to hide a known sexual dysfunction or non-heterosexual orientation. I know of several couples where the husband was discovered to be gay after the wedding, one case of micropenis, multiple cases where the wife refused nearly all sexual contact with her husband after the wedding due to prior undisclosed rape trauma. All pretty major problems resulting in the marriage being an epic fail. I’d love to be able to stay that the Virginity Strategy is a perfect strategy, but it’s only a pretty good one.

So my advice is to adhere to the Virginity Strategy, but cover the risks inherent in it by having sex during the engagement. If you want to save intercourse for the wedding night, that’s fine by me, but you should at least have an understanding of how to get each other off before the wedding. You should see that each other has a working set of bits and you’re not marrying into an obvious sexual failure.

The Teachman study suggests the primary benefit of “not having sex before marriage” is the low partner / cohabitation count as opposed to the waiting for marriage part. So if your partner count is just one, whether your wife became your sex partner before or after you married her, has no real effect on the marriage outcome. The benefit is that you married your one and only.

With Jennifer and myself, we did have sex before marriage. Frankly I think that was absolutely vital for us to be bonded to each other to have survived our long distance courtship. To be quite blunt, I think a number of my girlfriend relationships fell apart because I wasn’t having sex with them. I’m pretty damn sure that my first serious girlfriend and I had that as a issue. So sexual activity with Jennifer was I think a key part in making it to the wedding. Yeah we broke the goody-two-shoes rules and it worked out just fine for us.

I also know of a few couples that “did the right thing” and waited during the engagement and one half of the couple simply became impatient with waiting and started having sex with someone else. Yes indeed they cheated and were in the wrong for doing so, but I also think if the other set of rules were broken and they were actually getting laid by their future spouse… it all was much less likely to have turned into a cheating situation. To be blunt, it’s a highly unnatural situation for a young couple to not have sex together for an extended amount of time. There’s a fine line between being “sexually moral” and “modeling sexual dysfunction.”

Bearing in mind that I am an atheist when I say this… a wedding ceremony provides a trivial amount of genuine bonding compared to your biological response to each other during sex. Or as the bible puts it, when you have sex together you become “One Flesh.” So if you want the religious viewpoint, One Flesh trumps anything that happens in the church. Not just by a little bit… by a lot.

What happens in a church wedding, legally bonds you to your spouse in multiple and serious ways. With some degree of irony, what actually happens in a church wedding is simply the frosting covering over a quite worldly contract and you really should have a lawyer present for before you sign. The actual spiritual connection between a couple happens in the Holiday Inn when you told everyone you were going out to see The Avengers again. (See what I did there?)

So maybe I’m just cynical, but I think you should figure out whether or not the One Flesh routine actually works for you both, before you sign the paperwork to change your tax filing status and become co-responsible for each other’s debts.

But don’t misunderstand, I think it’s a very strong benefit that Jennifer and I have only had P-in-V sex with each other. That’s a huge factor in our marriage and a reason why Jennifer is okay with me doing everything I do with MMSL. It’s no secret that I struggle with monogamy on a Body Agenda level, but rationally I know it, and she, has been the making of both me and so much of my overall happiness. That being said, I kinda like that Jennifer was so into me she was willing to break the rules to have me. She kinda likes that I was the sort of guy who made her want to break the rules. Being Alpha is more fun, so you may as well establish you’re a force of nature during the engagement.

Mood music lol…

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, How To Choose A Wife, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

How Walkaway Wives Run a Dirty MAP

August 19, 2012 By Athol Kay 48 Comments

This post is going to feel like a sucker punch to some of the guys reading. Please believe me when I say I’m not trying to pin all the blame on you for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m trying to explain the dynamics at work so you can correct them. Yes indeed she did bad things and doesn’t have an excuse for it, but the hard, hard, hard truth is that unless you married a genuine Batshit Crazy woman, you have always been responsible to be the leader of your marriage. Some part of the problem was yours to fix and manage. If you think the Titanic sunk because some bitch put icebergs in the way, you need to take it up with the Captain.

Okay… now that I’ve warmed everybody up to taking this particular dose of the Red Pill rectally, let’s begin…

One of the things Betaized men don’t understand is how they help create the situation where their wife just walks away from the marriage. It’s fairly rare that a wife is just going to wake up one morning and decide she’s going to act like The Joker found the Batcave and blow it all up. It builds and builds and builds and then she makes her move. The bad news for the Betaized husband is that a lot of the effort put into that building, has come from him.

Constant deference and catering to a wife frames her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, or what her options truly are outside the relationship, if you bow and scrape and bring mistress pretty things, you’re framing her as being in charge and having a higher Sex Rank than you. Constantly failing Fitness Tests makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. Her cutting sex down to the rate of an IV drip and you sticking around and tolerating it, makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. If she sits at home in a fifthy house trolling Facebook all day while you bring home the bacon and take her on expensive vacations, you’re framing her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It’s like you’re purposely propelling her to Phase Three of the MAP without her needing to do anything. Just looking at her in a gooey-eyed Oneitis haze lets her know she’s in the drivers seat.

She could objectively be a 6 and you objectively an 8, but if you keep acting like her minion, she thinks she’s the 8 tolerating having made a terrible choice for settling for a 6. Seeing you’ve lifted her up to her own Phase Three of the MAP, she can push to a Phase Four at will. Except that you’re rarely going to get an obvious Phase Four demand moment, because that’s something we do consciously in running the MAP seeking the moral high ground. Oh there may be a tepid demand for something, a “maybe counseling”, a total ending of sex or something, but far more likely she’s just going to quietly slip into Phase Five.

When the lines of communication are broken between you and your wife, you aren’t going to get a message that the lines of communication are broken. That’s what the lines of communication being broken means. When she checks out of the marriage, she doesn’t tell you because she checked out of the marriage. That’s what being checked out of the marriage means. You might think it’s all going great, but that’s probably how a pet cow called “Hamburger” thinks too. Don’t get too excited about seeing Christmas.

Once in Phase Five… she starts checking out of the marriage and getting her ducks in a row for an exit. Again in the actual MAP, I’m advising taking the moral high ground and not getting involved with someone else. Doing that just complicates things needlessly and makes a second problem to address. However in the walkaway wife / dirty MAP, invariably she will get involved with someone else during Phase Five. In fact getting involved with another man likely marks the jump from Phase Three into the limbo of Phase Five.

Then it goes one of two ways.

The first way is that on one perfectly normal Tuesday morning, she just leaves you and someone serves you the divorce paperwork. You’re totally stunned of course. She just walked away for no reason whatsoever. Chances of getting her back – slim to none. And that’s a slim slim.

The other way is that before she does that, you catch her cheating. If you catch her, you have about a three day window to make a fairly complete reversal of fortune where you read her the riot act, stop catering to her, establish clear relationship boundaries and cut off the relationship with the other man. This is of course a huge task to do, and only possible with Sith-like focused anger. I’m not saying be violent, I’m saying if you aren’t acting as “in control but livid”, you’re doing it wrong. And trust me, you’ll have anger to spare. If in doubt, kick her out. You can always change your mind later, and if nothing else, you’re gaining some respect points in her eyes for doing so.

Even then, it’s still a long road back to what your marriage should be, and her actually cheating on you vastly changes things beyond her merely being bored and discontent. It’s pretty much the ultimate Fitness Test topped only by getting pregnant to another guy. I’m always hopeful that a couple can bounce back from an affair, but the odds aren’t wonderful. It’s going to be a major revision of how you live together. I must admit to becoming somewhat less hopeful on this front the longer I’ve written MMSL.

Whether she stays or goes though, getting your crap together and figuring out how to stand taller is always going to be in your best interest. And I know it’s extremely hard to hear that you played a role in setting the scene for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m really not trying to kick you when you’re down, I’m trying to show you what you must change in order to have a hope at correcting things with her… or failing that the next woman in your life.

Not forgetting of course, you can always just say “thanks for playing” and call it a day.