Body Agenda and Sex Rank | Married Man Sex Life

Break The Premarital Sex Rules, Win Valuable Prizes

August 29, 2012 By Athol Kay 29 Comments

Reader: Hi Athol, I’ve reading your blog for a few months now and I’ve gone through some of the archives but I have not seen this question addressed although I’m sure it has. Do you need to have sex before marriage in order to know you will enjoy sex with that person later? To know that you have “chemistry”? Or is all that is needed is two willing partners willing to work towards pleasing each other? So that in essence, you could have good sex with anybody.

Thank you for your time.

Athol: In short, most penises fit into most vaginas, so it will probably be just fine. If you’ve kissed each other a ton and you feel you have chemistry when you do that, you’ve got chemistry.

But… day-um marriage is high stakes poker these days. So I’m just going to go out on a limb and assume you have, or are about to have, a fiance, and you’re from a conservative religious background.

So….

Rather than reach into the morality bag for a large stick to beat you with, let’s just say that the plan to wait until marriage is called the Virginity Strategy. The basic plan being that if you wait until marriage, you arrive unsullied, without baggage, without bad experiences and with all that pristine sexuality, you and your bride merge easily and happily into a really high quality sexual relationship.

The good news is that really can be all true. The Virginity Strategy really can work out really well for a couple. But it’s not a perfect plan and some people end up with dramatic sexual failures as a result. Sometimes you discover some kind of unknown sexual incompatibility. Sometimes the Virginity Strategy is purposely used by one half of the couple as a smoke screen to hide a known sexual dysfunction or non-heterosexual orientation. I know of several couples where the husband was discovered to be gay after the wedding, one case of micropenis, multiple cases where the wife refused nearly all sexual contact with her husband after the wedding due to prior undisclosed rape trauma. All pretty major problems resulting in the marriage being an epic fail. I’d love to be able to stay that the Virginity Strategy is a perfect strategy, but it’s only a pretty good one.

So my advice is to adhere to the Virginity Strategy, but cover the risks inherent in it by having sex during the engagement. If you want to save intercourse for the wedding night, that’s fine by me, but you should at least have an understanding of how to get each other off before the wedding. You should see that each other has a working set of bits and you’re not marrying into an obvious sexual failure.

The Teachman study suggests the primary benefit of “not having sex before marriage” is the low partner / cohabitation count as opposed to the waiting for marriage part. So if your partner count is just one, whether your wife became your sex partner before or after you married her, has no real effect on the marriage outcome. The benefit is that you married your one and only.

With Jennifer and myself, we did have sex before marriage. Frankly I think that was absolutely vital for us to be bonded to each other to have survived our long distance courtship. To be quite blunt, I think a number of my girlfriend relationships fell apart because I wasn’t having sex with them. I’m pretty damn sure that my first serious girlfriend and I had that as a issue. So sexual activity with Jennifer was I think a key part in making it to the wedding. Yeah we broke the goody-two-shoes rules and it worked out just fine for us.

I also know of a few couples that “did the right thing” and waited during the engagement and one half of the couple simply became impatient with waiting and started having sex with someone else. Yes indeed they cheated and were in the wrong for doing so, but I also think if the other set of rules were broken and they were actually getting laid by their future spouse… it all was much less likely to have turned into a cheating situation. To be blunt, it’s a highly unnatural situation for a young couple to not have sex together for an extended amount of time. There’s a fine line between being “sexually moral” and “modeling sexual dysfunction.”

Bearing in mind that I am an atheist when I say this… a wedding ceremony provides a trivial amount of genuine bonding compared to your biological response to each other during sex. Or as the bible puts it, when you have sex together you become “One Flesh.” So if you want the religious viewpoint, One Flesh trumps anything that happens in the church. Not just by a little bit… by a lot.

What happens in a church wedding, legally bonds you to your spouse in multiple and serious ways. With some degree of irony, what actually happens in a church wedding is simply the frosting covering over a quite worldly contract and you really should have a lawyer present for before you sign. The actual spiritual connection between a couple happens in the Holiday Inn when you told everyone you were going out to see The Avengers again. (See what I did there?)

So maybe I’m just cynical, but I think you should figure out whether or not the One Flesh routine actually works for you both, before you sign the paperwork to change your tax filing status and become co-responsible for each other’s debts.

But don’t misunderstand, I think it’s a very strong benefit that Jennifer and I have only had P-in-V sex with each other. That’s a huge factor in our marriage and a reason why Jennifer is okay with me doing everything I do with MMSL. It’s no secret that I struggle with monogamy on a Body Agenda level, but rationally I know it, and she, has been the making of both me and so much of my overall happiness. That being said, I kinda like that Jennifer was so into me she was willing to break the rules to have me. She kinda likes that I was the sort of guy who made her want to break the rules. Being Alpha is more fun, so you may as well establish you’re a force of nature during the engagement.

Mood music lol…

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, How To Choose A Wife, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0

How Walkaway Wives Run a Dirty MAP

August 19, 2012 By Athol Kay 48 Comments

This post is going to feel like a sucker punch to some of the guys reading. Please believe me when I say I’m not trying to pin all the blame on you for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m trying to explain the dynamics at work so you can correct them. Yes indeed she did bad things and doesn’t have an excuse for it, but the hard, hard, hard truth is that unless you married a genuine Batshit Crazy woman, you have always been responsible to be the leader of your marriage. Some part of the problem was yours to fix and manage. If you think the Titanic sunk because some bitch put icebergs in the way, you need to take it up with the Captain.

Okay… now that I’ve warmed everybody up to taking this particular dose of the Red Pill rectally, let’s begin…

One of the things Betaized men don’t understand is how they help create the situation where their wife just walks away from the marriage. It’s fairly rare that a wife is just going to wake up one morning and decide she’s going to act like The Joker found the Batcave and blow it all up. It builds and builds and builds and then she makes her move. The bad news for the Betaized husband is that a lot of the effort put into that building, has come from him.

Constant deference and catering to a wife frames her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It doesn’t matter what she looks like, or what her options truly are outside the relationship, if you bow and scrape and bring mistress pretty things, you’re framing her as being in charge and having a higher Sex Rank than you. Constantly failing Fitness Tests makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. Her cutting sex down to the rate of an IV drip and you sticking around and tolerating it, makes her think she has a higher Sex Rank than you. If she sits at home in a fifthy house trolling Facebook all day while you bring home the bacon and take her on expensive vacations, you’re framing her as having a higher Sex Rank than you. It’s like you’re purposely propelling her to Phase Three of the MAP without her needing to do anything. Just looking at her in a gooey-eyed Oneitis haze lets her know she’s in the drivers seat.

She could objectively be a 6 and you objectively an 8, but if you keep acting like her minion, she thinks she’s the 8 tolerating having made a terrible choice for settling for a 6. Seeing you’ve lifted her up to her own Phase Three of the MAP, she can push to a Phase Four at will. Except that you’re rarely going to get an obvious Phase Four demand moment, because that’s something we do consciously in running the MAP seeking the moral high ground. Oh there may be a tepid demand for something, a “maybe counseling”, a total ending of sex or something, but far more likely she’s just going to quietly slip into Phase Five.

When the lines of communication are broken between you and your wife, you aren’t going to get a message that the lines of communication are broken. That’s what the lines of communication being broken means. When she checks out of the marriage, she doesn’t tell you because she checked out of the marriage. That’s what being checked out of the marriage means. You might think it’s all going great, but that’s probably how a pet cow called “Hamburger” thinks too. Don’t get too excited about seeing Christmas.

Once in Phase Five… she starts checking out of the marriage and getting her ducks in a row for an exit. Again in the actual MAP, I’m advising taking the moral high ground and not getting involved with someone else. Doing that just complicates things needlessly and makes a second problem to address. However in the walkaway wife / dirty MAP, invariably she will get involved with someone else during Phase Five. In fact getting involved with another man likely marks the jump from Phase Three into the limbo of Phase Five.

Then it goes one of two ways.

The first way is that on one perfectly normal Tuesday morning, she just leaves you and someone serves you the divorce paperwork. You’re totally stunned of course. She just walked away for no reason whatsoever. Chances of getting her back – slim to none. And that’s a slim slim.

The other way is that before she does that, you catch her cheating. If you catch her, you have about a three day window to make a fairly complete reversal of fortune where you read her the riot act, stop catering to her, establish clear relationship boundaries and cut off the relationship with the other man. This is of course a huge task to do, and only possible with Sith-like focused anger. I’m not saying be violent, I’m saying if you aren’t acting as “in control but livid”, you’re doing it wrong. And trust me, you’ll have anger to spare. If in doubt, kick her out. You can always change your mind later, and if nothing else, you’re gaining some respect points in her eyes for doing so.

Even then, it’s still a long road back to what your marriage should be, and her actually cheating on you vastly changes things beyond her merely being bored and discontent. It’s pretty much the ultimate Fitness Test topped only by getting pregnant to another guy. I’m always hopeful that a couple can bounce back from an affair, but the odds aren’t wonderful. It’s going to be a major revision of how you live together. I must admit to becoming somewhat less hopeful on this front the longer I’ve written MMSL.

Whether she stays or goes though, getting your crap together and figuring out how to stand taller is always going to be in your best interest. And I know it’s extremely hard to hear that you played a role in setting the scene for her leaving or cheating on you. I’m really not trying to kick you when you’re down, I’m trying to show you what you must change in order to have a hope at correcting things with her… or failing that the next woman in your life.

Not forgetting of course, you can always just say “thanks for playing” and call it a day.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Conditioned Resistance to Sexual Enjoyment in Marriage

August 17, 2012 By Athol Kay 18 Comments

Imagine yourself being subjected to sitting in a room and watching several hundred hours of TV programming that eating chocolate ice cream was wrong. Plus you’re given a mild electric shock every time you looked at the chocolate ice cream they put on a table next to you. After being led out of the room and told the experiment is over, how much would you be able to enjoy eating chocolate ice cream? Even if we told you that chocolate ice cream was great and perfectly fine for you to eat now? Even if we handed you a bowl of chocolate ice cream and said go for it.

I’m imagining that you aren’t going to be able to suddenly grab a spoon and chow into the ice cream like nothing happened. I’m imagining you’re going to hold that bowl of ice cream with an inner conflict between desire and anxiety raging inside you. You know it’s fine to eat it… but you just can’t.

So…

Assuming you were raised in religious circles and took their instruction seriously, you’ve very likely heard several thousand, maybe tens of thousands of messages to resist sexual temptation in one form or another. This teaching is well intentioned, and individual pieces of instruction are perfectly fine, but the sheer volume of the messages are overwhelming and have an effect.

There are some positive messages about sexual enjoyment, but the ratio of “NO!” messages to “YES!” messages are in about a 90% / 10% ratio. The overwhelming message is a default “NO!”

Even messages that are intended to be positive, say… “God designed sex for marriage and it’s a wonderful experience together with your spouse and all part of his plan for us…” still is received as a message to resist their sexuality to an unmarried person. So the married people get to have a rocking good time, but you young man… you need to just hold it… no no no, we didn’t mean literally hold it… we meant don’t touch, do or think anything about sex… for about another decade.

See how that positive sexual message to some is a negative sexual message to others?

So, after hearing tens of thousands of messages to resist sexual temptation in one form or another, you tend to become conditioned to resist enjoying sex. So even when sex becomes allowed by actually getting married, it’s hard for some people to let go and enjoy it fully. It’s like your Rationalization Hamster got brainwashed and instead of trying to find you sneaky ways of getting it on, it’s your own personal inner cockblock.

It’s this sort of programming that makes bizarre stuff happen from an evolutionary-psych perspective. Sometimes a man can game a woman over a few weeks and make better and better traction on her. Then when she decides she wants to have sex with him, she sets the scene for seduction and invites him over. There’s a little wine, a change into something more comfortable, privacy, a bed and that unmistakable look that says she’s available to him…

…and he says goodnight and leaves.

It’s not a moral decision that happened here. He’s actually incapable of having sex with her, the same way a little dog can’t run past the end of the driveway because of the invisible electric fence.

It’s the same sort of thing a wife can have with her husband, where he’s asked her over and over for her to give him a blowjob, the first of their three year marriage, but she can’t. She loves him, she’s attracted to him, she knows he’s getting deeply resentful about it, she wants to want to give him a blowjob… she just can’t. It’s dirty, it’s wrong, it’s sinful, it’s anxiety inducing. There’s the invisible fence in her mind stopping her. That’s why she always has a headache these days…

All your sexual pleasure and motivation is based in the Limbic System, aka your Body Agenda. It’s your Body Agenda that wants to get laid and played with. Your Neo-Cortex is your rational critical thinking center and doing it’s darndest to override the Body Agenda. Sexual enjoyment isn’t based on rational thought, it’s based on feelings, pleasure and emotionally letting go. So if you want to overcome your inner blockages to enjoying sex, there’s really only one way of doing so. You have to stop thinking about it and just start exploring your sexuality and defying your invisible fences. You need to break the rules.

Now some important caveats…

All that old time religious instruction isn’t all completely wrong. There are some serious pitfalls out there sexually and once done, it’s a case of what has been seen can’t be unseen. So my basic advice…

(1) Limit all sexual exploration to you and your partner.

(2) Small steps rather than trying to make big jumps. You’ve got your whole marriage ahead of you to explore things with each other.

(3) Understand that only 30% of what you try is going to work for you both. You’ll fail more than you succeed. Just laugh about it.

(4) Understand that fantasy is different from reality. Things you may never want to happen in reality may turn you on as a fantasy.

(5) What happens in your bedroom is your business and no one else’s to worry about.

(6) Don’t go from the ass to the vagina. Just… don’t.

(7) Small amounts of alcohol are helpful once in a while when you try something new.

(8) Lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.

(9) Be open to doing things your partner wants to try that you have no interest in. Sometimes them really liking something is a turn on for you, and you end up liking it too.

(10) Understand that not everything is going to “work” the very first time you do it. Sometimes you need to try it a couple times to really get a feel for it.

It’s really a case of unlearning the “I’m not allowed because I’m single” conditioning, and learning the “I’m married now and this is what I’m allowed to do” conditioning. And yes, having some invisible fences in your mind isn’t a bad thing for married people to have. In fact you want some in each other. You want your wife to automatically react badly to some guy she vaguely knows sending her a picture of his dick via Facebook. You want your husband to feel uncomfortable when someone slips him a phone number. Fences are great, it’s just a case of where you want those fences erected. Keeps the bad stuff out and you can relax and play inside to your hearts content. You just don’t want to be all cooped up in a tiny area.

Also quite obviously not every religious person is uptight about sex with their partner, but some are, and this post is for them.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Sexual Health Issues, Sexy Moves

When He Already Has Kids

August 10, 2012 By Athol Kay 20 Comments

Asked yesterday in the comments to When Princess Fiona Comes With a Mess of Little Donkeys…

J: Athol/whoever wants to answer: what are your thoughts on women getting involved with men who have children from a previous relationship?

Ke: What’s the situation where the opposite is true? The guy is divorced and has partial custody of young children from his previous marriage? Should a woman not get involved with him?

Athol: This is fairly simple. It’s just math. The figure I’ve heard is that is costs something like $200,000 to raise a kid over their lifetime.

Consider how many children the man could reasonably support on his income. Then take away from that number the number of children he already has. Whatever is left, is the number of children he can reasonably have with you.

So say you get involved with a guy that has enough income to reasonably support three children, if you marry him, you end up having three children. But if he has an ex-wife and two children with her, and you’re the second wife, he’ll only have one child with you. Either way, he’ll only end up with three children.

Of course you can fight tooth and nail to get him over-committed to having more children than he can reasonably support, but he isn’t really going to want them and you’re going to have trouble paying the bills. This of course creates a massive charge of erotic sexual tension between you desperate for release… lol just kidding.

Plus you’re likely likely going to watch him hand over cash via child support and/or alimony to a woman who has sexually rejected him. Which is a fairly difficult structural situation for a guy to maintain his attractiveness in. Obviously it’s all mandated by the courts and he has to do it, but the end result is that he’s funneling money outside the marriage constantly. It would probably be cheaper if he just had a bit of a moderate gambling problem or something. Even if he had a $500 a month strip-club bill it would be less annoying than a $1000 a month child support bill. At least that way he’d have attractive women showing him attention as a preselection effect and it would be cheaper.

It’s also worth noting that women going through, or planning a divorce, do occasionally quite purposely seek to damage the ability of the husband to provide for and father more children. The vasectomy demand shortly followed by divorce paperwork isn’t super common, but does happen. I have email from one reader who got the paperwork when he came back from the urologist office, and a second reader who had sex one time only before being given his walking papers. From an evo-psych perspective this makes sense in that as much as possible, the ex-wife wants her ex-husbands resources to continuously flow to her and not risk being diverted to a new woman. Sometimes it’s just revenge.

So anyway… if you don’t want kids yourself, a guy broke from paying for the children he already has won’t bug you much to have more children. Yay no stretchmarks!

And obviously if the kids are all grown and so on, this is all less of an issue. Provided that the little darlings are moved out of the house and have proper lives of their own. You don’t want to end up doing the laundry for his 25-year-old son. Or being a sudden step-grandma / child care service for his returning 22-year-old daughter so she can finish her under water basket weaving degree.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, Nice Guys and Betaization

When Princess Fiona Comes With a Mess of Little Donkeys

August 9, 2012 By Athol Kay 83 Comments

Reader: Hi Athol, I wrote to you before when I was in the final stages of my marriage. You gave me some good advice and it was appreciated.

It’s become clear that my major problem (other than the fact that I married a woman who seems to have BPD) was structural: I was poor, relatively (ESL teacher) and she was looking for more security. Since having gotten a better paying job in IT, my ex has shown interest again showing me that, as bitter a truth as it can be to accept, it was, in a way, my fault. I can’t blame my ex-wife for needing security, especially understanding what I do now about the “Red Pill” reality of a woman’s mind.

So, anyway, that wasn’t my point in writing. I wanted to see if you’d care to discuss something on your blog. It’s been a major breakthrough for me, having been raised as a step-child and having just divorced a woman with children. It seems that women secretly despise men that take care of children that aren’t theirs. On one level, they love and appreciate it but on another, deeper level, they seem to look at the step-father as a kind of volunteer cuckold of sorts. This can even push women who are unaware of themselves to encourage their new husbands to be especially strict or even abusive of their step-children in extreme situations. Maybe Alpha males of the sub-Saharan past would do the same as Lions (kill the young from previous males)? I wonder what your advice would be to men interested in marrying women with children from previous marriages. It seems to be a bad idea to me, from my experience. The woman will always look at those kids and remember her ex-husband and look at her new husband as a chump for taking care of children that aren’t his. Even though the Blue Pill entertainment industry has always portrayed guys that rescue the divorced woman and her child as heroes, it seems like women only think that way in the movies.

Athol: Okay let me just shout this out at the start of the post… in the case of infertility, adoption and artificial in insemination et al are completely different issues of “raising someone else’s child”. I’m not talking about that issue here, I’ll get to it soon I think because it’s a huge issue for many couples.

Anyway…

The ugly truth is much as you have guessed it to be. When a woman already has children and has either divorced or never married the father, she has a serious need for help with the time and effort in raising the children. Even if she’s doing fairly well from child support and alimony payments, she’s not going to have the same total household income as before the divorce, so she needs addition of income to raise her children. Thus what she needs is a dependable Beta provider and not someone who is going to rock the boat with Alpha demands for more of her attention and submission. Basically she’s had all the Alpha she can handle and now she needs you to man up about being a wallet and a babysitter.

After marrying into a solo mother’s family, men often find they have been the target of a rather well planned headhunting expedition. They’ve been wined and dined. Fabulous home cooked meals. All the kids on their best behavior. Her friends all swooping in and helping whisk the children away to their house to allow privacy and passion. Her extremely agreeable and eager to please… everything is just so wonderful… you’re actually starting to bond with the kids a little… she’s a good woman, the kids are great… let’s get married…

…wedding bells. Well not really, a simple ceremony with more of her friends than yours in attendance…

…and the honeymoon is over. Now there’s beer and Chinese takeout. The kids make it very clear that you aren’t their father. There seems to be more of her friends dropping off kids at her house than the other way around. Sex drops off fairly quickly (because you aren’t getting along with the children and that just stresses her out) Also having moved into her house, it’s become apparent that it really is her house… not our house, her house. It’s not so much that she makes the rules, more that no one gives a crap about what you say anyway. Also apparently there’s some outstanding tax bills and it would make sense if everyone got one cell phone plan under your name.

Well that’s the horror story scenario anyway. Probably does not happen to every guy that marries into a ready made family, but certainly happens enough that the horror story is a readily reported pattern.

I think you have it right that there is a level of contempt for men that raise other men’s children. Whether she was your wife and got pregnant to another guy, or she got pregnant to another guy and became your wife, it all amounts to you spending vital resources on a child that isn’t yours. Which is pretty much the dumbest thing possible to do as far as male genes are concerned. Everyone’s Body Agenda thinks you’re a total idiot and frankly worse off than a guy that just masturbates. If all you do is jerk off, you don’t pass your genes off into the next generation, but at least you aren’t paying through the nose for the privilege.

Also watch for the frequent request to legally adopt her children. That’s just her exit strategy to divorce you and still get your money, without having to go through the mental effort of having to endlessly spurn you sexually. Depending on which state you’re in, you may not even have to legally marry her to get caught up in a child support mess because you have been “acting like a father to the children.” The little darlings did bond to you so quickly after all.

As you can probably figure out now, if you had your whole Alpha/Beta/Physical package together from the start, you would never have felt the need to have gotten involved with her so seriously in the first place. If you’re a hotter guy and a better catch, instead of the single girl without kids flaking on you and the solo mom being the best you could get, the single girl turns into your fiance and the solo mom acts is her bridesmaid and drinks a little too much at the reception. Sex Rank is a true marketplace and cares not for Hollywood endings.

So personally, I would think extremely seriously about getting involved with anyone marrying for the second time, especially if they have children, oh and if you’re just a wallet, they always try and get pregnant asap to trap you in further. The exception to this being if we’re talking about two middle aged people with grown children, that’s a bit of a different situation. In that case the woman is looking for a more Alpha partner to have fun with and a proper relationship. You’re not going to get caught up in child support hell if see has a 25-year-old son and a 23-year-old daughter. But they sure as hell shouldn’t be living at home still. Kids gotta be self-supporting, or no dice on the getting involved front. Or put another way… Princess Fiona shouldn’t come with a collection of Donkeys.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, How To Choose A Wife, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Too Much Information About My Orgasms

August 3, 2012 By Athol Kay 13 Comments

**** TMI Warning ****

Times change and so can your sexuality.

In my twenties the rule I gave to Jennifer was, “Touch the penis, make the penis happy.” Meaning that if she started playing with my cock, I 100% expected a progression to orgasm. Didn’t matter how that orgasm came about, but it really had to happen or she’d be trying to sleep next to amped up horny man who wasn’t able to sleep. Beware the Cockzilla.

Plus in my twenties my balls were off limits for touching. I got zero enjoyment from any ball fondling, instead just feeling physically uncomfortable like I was experiencing a 1% strength kick in the nuts. Ass was fairly off limits too, just weird feeling, so no thanks unless you’re a doctor and I’m in your office for something specifically for ass related.

If Jennifer wanted to just use some lube and lay back while I climbed on top and had a quickie, that was a win. Athol tired. Athol sleep now…

In my thirties, the rule of “Touch the penis, make the penis happy”, remained in full effect. However my balls at some point became quite pleasurable during sex, most particularly from a very gentle tugging away from my body. Likewise having my ass played with started getting quite nice and prostate massages got me some amazing orgasms.

And still if Jennifer just wanted to lay back and let me have some fun for a quickie, two thumbs up from me.

In my forties, my balls have become something that simply have to be played with for me to get my best orgasms. They have also become receptive to slightly rougher play… I’m not talking safety concern BDSM porn rough, but Jennifer riding me reverse cowgirl and actually squeezing my balls… I think she does it gently but I don’t really know because holy crap it feels amazing and I get this deep full groin rush from it. I haven’t asked too many questions.

Ass play though for some reason has fallen away. Still do the prostate thing once in a very great while, but that’s about it. No idea why.

The most interesting thing though, is I have become highly aware of my body and emotional reaction to Jennifer based on how many days I am from last orgasming with her. The further it goes, the higher my sexual tension gets and the more romantically inclined I feel toward her. We really only discovered this by playing some edging games designed around a goal of me not cumming for several days to then cover Jennifer in a serious moneyshot. By the time I’d been bought to the brink of orgasm 2-3 times a day… for five days… I was all but deliriously in love with her. I would look at her like a cat keeping an eye on a mouse. I would become instantly, breathlessly hard from just kissing her. A ten second kiss would have me leaking pre-cum. I kid you not.

Suddenly “Touch the penis, make the penis happy” doesn’t work as a rule. Suddenly Jennifer offering to use lube and let me have a quickie isn’t appealing at all. Instead of it being loving and giving to me, it seems more and more like the dreaded Starfish position. Which really isn’t fair to Jennifer because she does cuddle and hold me and obviously likes it for what it is, she’s just not seeking an orgasm that night. It’s a sort of GFE Starfish lol.

So…

…after nearly eighteen years of marriage, we basically have dispensed with some of the old rules for a month long trial. No more touch the penis rule. No more GFE Starfish. Jennifer can edge me as often as she likes and I have enough control to let her dictate when and where the big booma goes off. I get amped up over a few days and the finale is beyond amazing compared to a day 1 romp. The caveat being that my control does have limits and if it goes on too long Cockzilla pays a visit and he’s short on conversation. And no… no stupid ass chastity devices or other bullshit, I do like splurting cum at Jennifer and she likes that too. It’s more of a timing and pacing thing now. It’s actually so wonderful to feel giddy in love again, I get this compulsion to hold her hand when we walk now.

But to myself in my twenties, what I’m doing now would have been utterly confusing to think about. I guess somehow we got… older.

Jennifer: I remember the “please touch my balls” talk lol. And I have to sometimes remind myself that the “touch the penis, make the penis happy” rule doesn’t exist anymore…it’s a mindset shift for me! These are instances that illustrate the fact that things change over time, but if you don’t talk about them you’ll never know! Don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you’d like to try something you’ve never wanted to try before! Plus I kinda like having the powah to summon Cockzilla…

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Sexual Health Issues, Sexy Moves

Why The Wannabe Other Man Tests You First

August 1, 2012 By Athol Kay 32 Comments

Sometimes the comments bear repeating…

Eric Ventura: There is this misguided and inaccurate notion in the PUA community that if you behave in a territorial manner, you are being an insecure “beta” or “AFC”. If you look at the natural world, including our own evolutionary history men who are naturally predominantly ALPHAS are anything but aloof when their female is being poached by another male. If Alphas are anything, we are territorial and extremely comfortable in conflict with other men. I get and agree with the aloofness thing, but i only do that with women. I’ve learned very early on that to do that with other men, especially alphas is way too risky. (I grew up in a rough neighborhood) I don’t get how these PUA’s reached that conclusion; but then again what do you expect from a community of predominately beta men who only mimic alpha behavior. I guess they are bound to miss a few things.

Athol: I think it’s an important distinction to make with the whole aloofness toward other men. When someone belittles you, makes a move on your girl or otherwise attempts to take you down a peg doesn’t matter… he’s trying to dominate you. If he does that to you in front of your wife, he’s making a Display of Higher Value at your expense, for the direct purpose of impressing your wife that he’s a better man. If you have a basically non-reactive approach, it’s left to the observer to decide whether or not you’re (1) just too much of a big fish to bother worrying about him, (2) clueless about what’s going on, or (3) a pussy.

Now obviously some dude doing this sort of thing in front of your wife a couple times, isn’t likely to make her ask you to hold her purse while she blows him. But if you allow this pattern of interaction to persist, you’re basically framing him as the Alpha Male and it’s fairly predictable that he’ll slowly start making traction on your wife.

Also of major consideration is that the public negative comments about you, are merely tests of your reaction to see if he’s good to go on trying to escalate things with your wife behind your back. Basically if you’re submissive enough to not bump back on verbal stuff… and you catch him banging your wife.. you’re going to more likely burst into tears rather than physically fight back about it. The capacity for violence by the cheated on husband is a primal response and a serious concern to the other man. Or put another way, if you bang the wife of a U.S. Army Sniper, you need to be aware that courts typically don’t issue 2000 yard restraining orders.

Anyway… my readers are smart… from the forum…

Rob: I was at a BBQ of a friends house (a real friend). He was filling the pool for the kids and a guy his wife knew from high school was there with his family, among many others. My friends wife (Sue) asked where he (Joe) was. I said out front filling the pool and the old high school fellow (Dave) said “That seems about right, lady business for Joe”. Sue shrugged and went around to find go find him and later they came back tithe BBQ. Over the grilling Dave complained that Joe was supposed to cook like a man and not use his lady techniques in front of everyone. “It embarrasses Sue”. Small laughter and Joe quipped back. Later Joe was cleaning up some empty bottles and cans that had accumulated and Dave said Joe’s tits were a little to small for a good server. Joe joked back about not wanting Daves “tip”. All good natured at the time.

Joe offers to drive a car a few blocks away for some guests as my wife and I help clean up. Dave is bringing in some dishes and notices him gone. As his family is leaving my wife heads out to collect the kids and I leave the room to help. I overhear Dave say “How can he leave that ass unprotected. I must come off as too trust-worthy.” That’s it. Between the posts Athol cites above (The Third Wheel and The Propinquity Effect) that I had read and a code between real friends that was the end of the line.

I caught him in the driveway and said goodbye and shook his hand. I told him “if you come again be sure I know I will be looking for any reason to kick your ass”. His stunned look and denial of what was really being said were met with “So you worry about just protecting your own ass”. He said he had been friends long enough to joke like that. I told him to go fuck himself.

Joe and I share a lot of history and have been there for each other since before women we’re good to us and us to them. We are friends.

When I told him what happened he shrugged and told me to come along. He drove to Dave’s house and knocked on the door and spoke with Dave for a good five minutes while I sat in the car wondering where a body could be hid at this hour. I don’t know exactly what was said but I am sure it’s enough to keep him wary.

Athol: Well played by Rob. Also worth noting how Dave immediately backed down from Rob. The verbal put downs are probes to see if he can get away with it, as soon as he gets called on it, by someone that looks willing to partake in non-verbal negotiations, Dave immediately turned all submissive.

Hu-mans are an exciting species aren’t they…

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Nice Guys and Betaization

The Software Doesn’t Run The Operating System

July 26, 2012 By Athol Kay 24 Comments

We went to Washington DC for the weekend and did the whole ooh-ah walk of the National Mall. Mucho walking up and down and I quite enjoyed the Smithsonian stuff. I very much liked the Human origins section of the Museum of Natural History. I mean it’s one thing to read about evolution and mentally agree with it, and it’s another to see a whole wall of obviously not-quite-human skulls. It’s amazing to me that the idea of planting crops is only around 9000 years old and there’s a whole display on brain development. When I talk about The Time Before Writing I’m obviously being somewhat flippant and over-generalizing to make a point, but I have to say that standing in the middle of a great swathe of historical artifacts and sweeping history leading up to us, I felt a profound sense of reverence and connection.

My one giggle being the little tap dance about why the Neanderthals disappeared so quickly just as homo sapiens suddenly spread everywhere. Yeah you know what, maybe no one does know why they all disappeared… well I’m not saying we’re all related to a cohort of blood thirsty maniacs, I’m just saying imagine a village of Peter Griffins pretending to be Vikings squaring off against the Yale archery club. That’s all. We’ll just lay out the options and let the children decide for themselves.

Anyway I now have the perfect explanation for how the Rationalization Hamster gets to fool us so easily. Loosely speaking, there are three parts to the big meat computer that is the human brain…

Reptilian = Hardware: The oldest part of the brain controls everything your body does automatically. Breathing, food seeking, making urine, flight or fight etc etc. You have no control over this part of the brain at all. I mean seriously, try and control your pancreas secreting insulin by thinking about it. Exactly… you have zero control over this stuff.

Mammalian = Operating System: This part of the brain controls basically everything about us that isn’t already covered by the reptilian part of the part. There’s a huge element of social interaction and mating in here. This is where Body Agenda is located. It really likes boobs, ass, pussy and cumshots. It doesn’t know that porn involves bad actors, that shit is totally real.

Neo-Cortex = Software: This is the part of the brain that does all the cool stuff like inventing string theory and the triangle offense in basketball. It invented power chords and figured out that blue liquid is the socially appropriate color to represent menstrual fluid in tampon commercials. It writes the script for the Big Bang Theory and finds reasons for women to not have sex with men they don’t like. It created the marketing for Britney Spears and the Ruy Lopez chess opening. It thinks World of Warcraft is the pinnacle of human achievement second only to landing on the moon. It decided Twilight is art and wrote Harry Potter.

So….

The software doesn’t run the operating system. The operating system allows the software to be run. Thus Body Agenda is always on, always running not so much as in the background, but as the foundation for all the software that is running. The Rationalization Hamster is just a program run from the registry that you can’t shut off without administrator privileges.

You’re never quite as in control of yourself as you think you are. You have a major influence to be sure, but not perfect control. And if you drink enough, you’ll pass out and piss yourself… just like any other mammal would. We share 98.8% of the same DNA as a chimpanzee, so half of Game is just asking yourself, “What would a sexually successful chimp do?” Then doing that.

It pretty much involves acting like a boss… but also making it look like you’re not acting like a chimp.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank

When She Has A Hereditary Genetic Disorder

July 15, 2012 By Athol Kay 25 Comments

[Minor editing to obscure the exact organ disorder per reader request]

Reader: Athol, I’ve been a big fan of your book and blog since the beginning – I congratulate you on your success. It has helped me get through a very difficult part of my life, and gave me direction and answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. (Knowing alpha vs. beta = huge difference!)

I have a question for you that I haven’t yet seen anyone else address on your blog, but one that I think would greatly benefit your readers.

I’m in my early 30’s and I’ve been dating a wonderful woman for a year now, someone I consider marrying in the future. She’s a great partner in life. By that I mean, she’s very pleasing to be around, fun, has good values (so far), fantastic in bed, and due to her having been born and raised in a different country, isn’t tainted by the typical American feminist entitled views – she actually wants to contribute to the relationship and seeks out ways to make it stronger.

Nobody’s perfect – I accept her for who she is – and vice versa. However, she has a hereditary genetic disorder [that will cause organ failure in about 30 years] unless we’ll be able to grow her a new one from her stem cells, which is a very real possibility, but just that – a possibility. She does her best to manage it long term with diet, exercise, low stress, which extends her life but doesn’t cure the disease.

The worst part is that it’s hereditary – our offspring have a 50/50 chance of getting it, unless we decide on genetic testing and in-vitro fertilization (~$30k+), with no guarantee that it’ll work.

From a male body agenda perspective, it’s a huge negative, since a) my potential wife may just pass away in 30 years and I’d have to spend retirement by myself w/o my life partner, b) our offspring will have a high chance of getting this disease and they will lose their mother when they’re also in their young 30’s.

On the flipside, it’s in my best interest to find a wife, who has the qualities I deem vital for a viable and very happy future. In her I see all the things that I always looked for and haven’t seen or found in anyone else – she makes me very happy (dedicated to family as much as I, spectacular in bed, giving and caring, loves adoring her strong husband, among a million other things). As I said, she’s a life partner, a true catch – and I say that from as rational, level headed point of view (as opposed to an emotional one) as I can. Not to sound like I have one-itis, I doubt there’ll be another one like her. And that’s the huge plus – or in other words, a trade-off.

On one hand, I can attempt to find someone who fits the profile (i.e. healthy, smart, sexy, etc) but I will find out something else about them that’ll be a turnoff (as it’s inevitable) – or take my chances with her. Which is what I’ve decided to do.

I’m very curious as to what you think, Athol? I love her and see great things down the line, but the thought of potentially losing her in some time scared the crap out of me. I came to terms with it, though. With most people, you really don’t have much of a clue what they’ll die of (and most of the time, you don’t even think about it), but with her, you’re pretty certain. I didn’t think facing her mortality at this point would happen – but it makes me appreciate every moment w/ her, and saddens at the same time.

I’d really appreciate a response from you. Look forward to your continued success.

Athol: I think your mind is made up and there’s nothing I can say to persuade you otherwise. Which is not to say that I think you are wrong. If this is her only defect, it’s a judgment call.

She does sound good in every way but this. I think you just have to hope like hell that medical science advances in the next twenty years and [a new organ] can be grown from her stem cells and thus can be replaced.

Kids are amazingly expensive to raise. The $30,000 may only amount to 10% of the cost to raise the kid over it’s lifetime. So if you’re in for $300,000, does being in for $330,000 really make that much difference?

How much would the extra health care cost over the child’s life if you get unlucky on the 50/50? $50,000? $200,000? I think you might want to see the cost of in-vitro fertilization as almost like an insurance premium.

I would however make sure this something that is discussed and agreed upon before getting married. These are big decisions and you need to be able to move into the future together with a agreed upon plan. Perhaps instead of a big wedding, you have a small event explaining why, and put all the wedding budget and giftage toward the genetic testing and in-vitro. It’s a romantic tear-jerker of a story to tell and I suspect you’ll get a lot of helping hands. Besides that, shopping for wedding presents is a pain in the ass and the option to just write a check is great.

Passing the disorder onto your children would be a heavy burden to carry through life, both for you and for them. I can very much assure you that genetic matching and evaluation will play a role in dating and match making in the nearish future. If they have a hereditary genetic disorder, their life may be very lonely indeed twenty or thirty years from now. Take a peek at Genepartner and 23andme for example. These are fairly crude now, but not crazy expensive. In a few decades they will be routine and quite accurate.

Personally I passed on pursuing an ill young woman as a potential wife. I wanted her so badly, but I could see the long struggles ahead so pulled back from her. A little while later I meet Jennifer and moved heaven and earth to be with her. Both were excellent decisions and I have no regrets. My life has been amazing with Jennifer.

Life can be random too. I knew a guy who married a perfectly healthy 22-year-old and breast cancer took her within two years. I had a 25-year-old friend killed when she was rear-ended at a red light by a drunk going over 60mph. I also know a guy who was given three months to live when he was born, and one year to live when he was twenty and still made it to age thirty-three before his luck ran out. When Jennifer was twenty-eight and our daughters were still just a baby and a toddler, her mammogram results were sent to our house instead of our doctor and the results bluntly and clearly stated “malignancy.” Jennifer sobbed herself to sleep in my arms every night while I had unstoppable daydreams about her withering away over the next year in pain and despair, leaving me alone with the girls. The biopsy results came back negative. Then much the same shit happened again eight years later.

All you can do is influence the odds in your favor as best you can, but there are no guarantees of anything. You have a difficult road ahead, but maybe the right road too.

And yes you do have Oneitis for her…

…but as long as she also has Oneitis for you, that’s not a bad thing. If you’re getting married, you’re both meant to be in love.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Captain and First Officer, How To Choose A Wife

How To Figure Out What Is Wrong In Your Sex Life

July 12, 2012 By Athol Kay 33 Comments

I got asked today what I do to determine the problem area in the basic problem of a wife not wanting sex. It’s an excellent question because it will determine the way you go about solving that issue too. It’s a five step process akin to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where you need the bottom layers to be fulfilled in order to have the upper layer’s needs sought to be met. This is also why some guys get this near instant sexual explosion of interest from their wife as soon as they find MMSL, and some guys have a couple years of grinding out the MAP to make it go together.

Step One – Rule Out Medical

This is where I ask the questions about any medications, medical issues, birth control history and her all purpose general physical health. There are plenty of medical things that can nerf sex drive and ability to function sexually. You have to address this stuff first because there’s minimal benefit from running Game on a wife that just has zero sex drive and when she masturbates can no longer physically orgasm. You’re going to run your Alpha stuff and all the serotonin overload from her anti-depressants is going to flood out her ability to respond to it. Most anti-psychotics for example work by shutting down dopamine receptors in the brain, (which is also why most people on anti-psychotics have so little motivation to do anything) and you looking crazy hot is simply not going to trigger a dopamine response in her. It’s like she’s taking 200mg of I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck.

If the problem is a medical issue, the solution is to seek medical attention and have it addressed. You simply can’t Game your way to a great sex life if the Mirena IUD inside her has completely stopped her sex drive. That being said, the health care system is increasingly an assembly line of care through too much asked of too few doctors. So you must educate yourself as fully as possible on your critical medical needs affecting your sex life. You can’t simply book a med appointment and hope for the best. You read up and ask questions. The entire goal of running the MAP may simply be to get her to seek medical attention for her issue.

Step Two – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

The structural attraction stuff is something you are lacking that 90%+ of all women would find a serious stumbling block to being interested in you. I’m talking about stuff like whether or not you have/can hold a job. Whether you have a mountain of debt. Whether you are badly obese. Whether you own your own car (outside of a city like New York of course). Whether your home is in a basically safe neighborhood. Whether you have a serious illness. Basically anything that is currently a big problem in your life now, that would have be a deal breaker when she first got involved with you.

Again… these are all things that you can’t Game your way out of. If she’s laying awake at night thinking about how you don’t have a job and the debt is piling up, and you’re 150 pounds overweight, she’s simply not going to respond to your cocky and funny routines as well as she could if you were in shape and there was $5,000 in the checking account. Just not happening.

So the solution is to fix those long term structural attraction issues. This may well take a long time and require huge effort, but it’s the only way to advance into the future with any degree of success.

Step Three – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

Sometimes you just really screw up and it creates a moment of such negative emotion in her that she is wounded by it. Stuff like you didn’t come to the birth of your kid. Her best friend died and you went fishing. You hit her for whatever reason. Also if you ever cheated on her and she discovers it. You humiliated her in public for something. Anything that you were to an outside observer completely out of line. Likewise extreme long term ignoring of her – whether that’s by video game addiction, long hours at work, or endless travel, doesn’t matter. You’ve ignored her emotional needs for so long that she’s shut off from you.

In this case she’s emotionally withdrawn from you and holding herself back from you. She’s got her shields set to maximum and doesn’t want you to be happy either. She is deeply emotionally uncomfortable with you.

The solution is to apologize and be genuine about it. Often the initial problem stems from a lack of Beta attention, so whatever that lack was, you have to now supply. Note I said lack. If you’re already heavy Beta, you don’t just add yet more Beta.

Step Four – Rule Out Another Man

If she’s physically healthy, everything is basically running smoothly and there’s no big soul crushing moment dampening things, but the sex is minimal, she’s mentally absent and acting strangely… odds are there is another man involved. This will always be hidden from you as best she can, so you will need to play detective and scurry out the phone records, credit card statements, phone and text logs, Internet history and even have her followed to actively rule out another man being in play.

I know that’s horrible to think about, but I have learned to always ask the question about ruling out someone else. I am unfortunately right about this a regrettably high amount of the time. And yet again, this is not something that being cocky and funny will effectively work on. She’s not going to respond to you with high interest over some sexy moves, when the other man has her all jacked up on dopamine from illicit text messages and swapping nude photos. You must intervene firmly, swiftly and decisively.

The basic rule of thumb is that a woman torn between two men, will typically respond in the short term to the one making the strongest, most dominant and sexually aggressive play for her. This is why Nice Guy husbands who earn good money, have a nice home and generally provide her with the lap of luxury, lose out to “douchebag losers with nothing”. The Nice Guy husband begging for his wife to come home and generally being emotional about it, will loose out to a confident douchebag who just demands she cater to him. (Six months later when the glow wears off, douchebag is seen more clearly for what he is of course… then she can have serious regrets) Douchebag has a better Alpha profile and that’s what draws women in for affairs. This effect of most dominant male wins is also why cheated on husbands become physically enraged and experience an enormous desire for physical violence against the other man. Back in the Time Before Writing, that’s how Alpha dominance was figured out back then. The simple act of moving in on another man’s wife and risking violence is a sleeazy but powerful Alpha move.

Step Five – Game On

If everything else checks out, she’s likely just a bit bored and as soon as you start being goofy and groping, she’s going to light up and lap it up. Play some Sexy Moves out of the bag and you’re good to go. Alpha Beta Balance for the win.

If you have multiple areas of trouble, then you need to work on all of those areas as quickly as you can. Priority should be given to the earlier steps as much as possible and you shouldn’t expect a major sexual response until Steps One through Four are fairly well under control.

If Nothing Works

If everything checks out fine in Steps One through Four, and you’ve added Step Five and still nothing… it’s likely that you have a woman that will never experience a strong sexual interest in you. She might pop some interest in you when she ovulates, but once a month sex still means the criteria of a sexless marriage. So it’s pretty much game over. She’s just not interested in you that way. Classic signs of this is her offering an open marriage or saying you could get a girlfriend.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization, Sexy Moves, The Male Action Plan (MAP)