Cheating and Infidelity | Married Man Sex Life

The Elephant In The Room (Help Me, Help You)

February 14, 2013 By Athol Kay 107 Comments

Athol: I’ve now seen thousands of cases of struggling marriages, infidelity, near misses with cheating, sexless marriages, walk-a-way wives and sudden divorce drama. I really do mean thousands upon thousands. MMSL has had a busy three years.

As someone who has been part of the Manosphere and now slowing drifting mainstream, I have a rather disappointing realization. The core problem in the relationship is almost always the mans fault. Are there some really quite questionable laws slanted against men – yes. Is there a systematic miss-education about what makes up a good relationship – yes. Is the Manosphere basically right about everything…. yep pretty much. Once you dial down the rage and listen to the deeper messages, there’s not too much I disagree with.

But I gotta tell you, I’m starting to get tired of individual men not facing up to the truth about their active role in their failed relationship.

There are unquestionably a very small percentage of women who are evil, bait and switch golddigging cunts, who deserve to experience a poorly skilled plastic surgeon. But the truth is that most women who become wives, are all in once they marry. You have to actively do something wrong to mess that loyalty up. Do they still Fitness Test and generally whine that the house isn’t big enough… yes… but that’s what they are designed to do. This is normal female behavior. If you don’t want to hear occasional complaints about your income, marry an ugly chick.

Jennifer: Dear you should edit out “ugly chick”, you just lost 60% of your female audience.

Athol: But I can lead with “Everything is the man’s fault” and that’s okay? Wouldn’t that drive 60% of my male readers away?

Jennifer: You have a point.

Athol: I think you’re my sexist oppressor.

Jennifer: Don’t push it lol.

Athol: Anyway….

The hard truth is if you go long enough with the case history, every single time after the husband’s rage has died down… and it may take years for that to happen…. he makes an admission of a gross lapse of his judgment during the marriage. I really don’t mean a little tiny thing either, I mean something bad enough where you suddenly sit back in shock and can’t help but mentally re-evaluate him as 20 IQ points less smart. As in, “Holy crap dude, why didn’t you do something about that?” “Really? She told you about XYZ and you just ignored it?” ”She wrote you five letters about ABC?” “You had ED for how many years before she cheated?”

It’s the Elephant in the Room.

I’ve also several times now given appallingly bad advice because readers have withheld information from me. Some classic examples being not telling me about the abortion the husband asked the wife to get, erectile dysfunction spread over several years, endless job losses for poorly explained reasons, obvious mate guarding failure, swinging, bankruptcy, the husband’s own affair, medical issues and addictions. When someone tells me about their wife’s Batshit Crazy behavior for months on end, neglecting to tell me the whole time that just prior to the start of her Batshit Crazy behavior he had been caught with his pants down… I’m just going to give the dead wrong advice. Likewise if your wife leaves you for another man and then after six months of contact with me, you finally reveal that the other man was someone you’d done several threesomes with… ugh. Just ugh.

So here’s the deal. That thing that you really don’t want to come clean about. That thing that you don’t want anyone to know about. That’s the thing that’s fucking up your whole marriage. That’s the thing you need to face up to and get out into the open. MMSL isn’t going to be able to save your marriage, while you try and keep three tons of elephant droppings from seeing the light of day.

There have been a number of times where I have straight up told a husband to divorce his wife because of her [Totally Unacceptable Behavior], as in behavior so bad I’ve personally gotten angry and lost my temper simply reading about what she did. Then I’ve had to listen to the husband rather calmly tell me she was getting another chance because of [The Elephant in the Room].

Well maybe if you told me about [The Elephant in the Room] five months ago, maybe your wife’s [Totally Unacceptable Behavior] wouldn’t have happened. It’s almost like you planned it to happen… which is cool if you’re into that sort of thing, but please don’t drag me into email exchanges about it. And stop lying your ass off about how “I didn’t realize it was important.” You damn well know it’s important… you sure guard it’s knowledge from leaking out into conversation like it’s got fish hooks in your balls.

And to be 100% clear here. I’m not going to judge you for your problem. The only thing I care about is fixing your problem. As in if you’re a total porn addict, I’m not going to tell you you’re a horrible person that should be ashamed of yourself, I’m just going to tell you how to kick it and get on with a happy marriage. Everyone comes with a bag of trash to MMSL, no one is perfect, we all need help. I just can’t stand the lying and the time wasting trying to get your life sorted out.

So what I’m saying is help me, help you.

So tell the truth about The Elephant in the Room. That’s where you’re going to get 50% of your total progress from. Buy the book, and join the forum.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex

February 13, 2013 By Athol Kay 28 Comments

Reader: I’ve spent over $3K on counseling (couple and separate)and read every Christian and secular marriage book and kinky sex tips website (not that I needed any) but your site has gave me more insight into what is actually happening in our relationship and how I feel and things I’m doing wrong.

So- my husband was an English teacher when we met, he didn’t graduate until he was 30yo, I had a fairly successful self employed career and was divorced with one kid. We dated for 10 months then accidentally got preg. I did not want or mean to get preg or married. We had 2 kids back to back, he was laid off from job and so I have been the only income for almost 3 years. He agreed to get a job once unemployment ran out- about 10 months ago. He’s not looking.

I know this because I put a tracker on our computer because we don’t have sex. It started out as 1 time a week and has moved to once a month. I figured early on it was because I was preg. Then I lost all the weight and initiated and told him I wanted wild crazy, loving, any kind of sex. I have heard every excuse in the world to its me, him, kids, job, etc. He had always looked at porn. That’s one reason I put the tracker on I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want sex. I was never opposed to porn before, I was like that’s cool and that’s hot. Hell, I have offered 3somes for him. Anyway, he always lies about the porn, I will make it obvious that I’m taking off work and want one on one time and he will look at it before them and not be interested afterwards. This has happened countless times.

Ok- SR I think we are fairly equal. Not sure. He’s says I’m a 10 for my age-36 an an 8 for overall. I get hit on by hot fit 20yo. And women lol. I’ve been holding on for 4 years, last 2 are killing me. I need/ want sex/love with my husband and I want him to want me. He says he doesn’t. He is very beta acting in some ways and only alpha in a passive aggressive way. I have became alpha in my ways because who’s going to take care of things????

I also can’t trust him with $ because of gambling problem and just very irresponsible things like selling his car that I paid for for gambling debt or getting loans with no intention to pay back! I have realized that I have been extremely focused on my career and am trying to pull back and be a better beta wife in the way I talk and treat him. But I can’t live like this much longer. I haven’t had an affair but really want to just have that release and closeness with somebody. (To be wanted) All thoughts are appreciated and I appreciate cruel bluntness

Athol: Okay here’s the deal… you’re simply “talking to the addiction” rather than to him. Internet porn is like “rock concert loud” on the dopamine receptors in his brain and essentially deafens him to further stimulation… unless it’s also “rock concert loud”. So you offering him sex just isn’t “loud” enough to get through to him.

It’s very common for wives with porn addicted husbands to jump through all kinds of hoops trying to get his sexual attention – lingerie, toys, more porn, date nights yada yada yada… and getting still near zero response. Usually the wife gives up and then the husband just has zero impulse to break free of the porn further and it all cycles around again deeper and deeper.

The gambling and the porn use are also linked addictions. There’s sort of an addictive bubble where cutting back say on the porn, would suddenly make him want to gamble more… and cutting back on both… would make him want to do something else new and addictive. Both sex/porn and gambling are powered by dopamine and he needs crazy amounts of it to feel just normal. So there’s no easy solution where you just can talk him out of being addicted, you have to really take action and force him to make a decision to work on things.

Or in other words, you have to play things into a position where losing you is a bigger deal than losing the addiction. So you basically need to run the MAP toward an ultimatum where he dumps the addiction or you punt him. Basically right now he sounds fairly dependent on you, so a firm “Option A or B” dicussion with divorce papers on hand to sign for Option B might work very quickly. See Chapter 27 in the Primer for a run down on the approach. Porn addiction and an affair are dopamine powered so neurologically it’s not really all that different of a process you’re trying to break up.

Sounds harsh, but it’s about the only way to get there.

As a potential follow up to an Option A where he chooses to work on the marriage: I’m increasingly liking the idea of using Wellbutrin as a band-aid to get through the withdrawal phase of the addiction (and/or affair recovery for the cheating partner). The primary action being to increase dopamine and norepinephrine… thus supplying a controlled dose of what they got from the addictive behavior, without actually having to perform the addictive behavior itself. Wellbutrin also doesn’t cause sexual side effects and can even increase sexual function as well. Plus the norepinephrine can act as a kick in the pants energy boost.

Porn is an increasingly complicated issue. I personally don’t have a moral problem with it, but it does seem that there’s a crap ton of men (and women) that get addicted to internet porn. It’s all a good time until your dick starts failing to stand up straight in the presence of your wife. There is a link between excessive porn use and erectile dysfunction.

Also, come join the forum. I seem to be having a sudden influx of “Porn Widows”. http://marriedmansexlife.vanillaforums.com/

Also http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/ is an important resource.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization, Sexual Health Issues, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Wife Leaves For Other Man, Husband Doesn’t Cry Long…

January 26, 2013 By Athol Kay 60 Comments

I’ve had a *very* busy December. I mean crazy busy because so many of the relationships I was tracking suddenly seemed to intensify in the second half of December. I think the combination of Christmas parties and New Year’s Eve parties is almost like a “resolve the relationship” trigger. If there’s another man in the picture, she’s going to try to get to him on those special events. There’s alcohol and opportunity… and all those Emotional Affairs turn into Physical ones.

I’ve had some super salvaging of relationships in December. The husbands that have won have won big, but not everyone has won.

In January, it seems the December failures have all the shit hit the fan. In those cases wives are all leaving my guys that have been running the MAP faithfully.

But…

…the husbands are all starting to crack up laughing.

Let me explain that.

I’m 5 for 5 with the following pattern of guys who have been running the MAP and have had wives leave them in January.

At some point in 2012 the husband figured out all was not well in the marriage and sought out MMSL. They all started running the MAP and self-improving. They all had varying degrees of positive response from the wives. They started digging into the problems and sorting them out. But for one reason or another, the wife wasn’t interested in staying, and when the ultimatums came down… actually more often than not the ultimatum was triggered by the wife rather than the husband… she left the marriage.

So let’s be clear here – ALL of the husbands were very much trying to save the marriage. I’m talking 5 for 5 husbands have endlessly emailed me or been on the forum, actively trying to save the marriage and fix things with their wife. But despite best efforts, each one have been dumped and left.

But…

I am 5 for 5 for having those husbands get hit on by other women as soon as the wife is out of the picture. As in attractive other women. As in younger attractive women. As in… “Athol, I don’t understand why I was trying to save things with X anymore. I know I’m going to miss her, but being completely honest, I don’t think I want her back anymore.”

I’ve had so many emails and messages in the last month to the effect of, “My SBTX wife is 44, my new gf is 32.” The overall feeling husbands have about their wives is one of amused sorrow. They are more sorry for her that she’s fucked her own life and happiness up than anything else.

Or as a message today read…

“And good luck to her. OM is a total flake. Still living with his wife as they go through divorce. And his job is still on the line. Work wise I’m 2-3 levels above him. Even if they got together I give it 6 months max. Which means she is a forty something divorcee with four kids in the marketplace. And I’m me!”

So all in all, I’m kind of expecting about 4 of 5 of those same wives attempt to make their way “back home” at some point in 2013. Which has got to be a humiliating moment for them to admit they made a mistake. It’s also got to be a stomach churning moment to realize as a 44 year-old woman that to move back home, you’ve somehow got to outclass a 32 year-old that’s sleeping with your husband. Good luck with that.

So like I’ve said from the very beginning, there’s no magic bullet that makes the wife be into you, but if you run the MAP, there’s going to be a woman out there that will be into you. Plus I think the MAP approach of holding the moral high ground really matters in how attractive you are should she decide to bail on the marriage.

Being an attractive man, who did the right thing, and doesn’t turn fetal going…. “Whhhhhhhhhhhyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?!?!?” with snot pouring from your nose = a hot item.

Don’t misunderstand me here. To a man, the desire has been to fix things with the wife, but she didn’t buy in…

A good wife should have nothing to fear from her husband reading MMSL. But if she wants to go spread her legs for a douchebag… well… this is how it all ends for her.

Anyway… still working on the new book… but quite obviously the original one isn’t all that bad lol. Buy it on Amazon.

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer, Cheating and Infidelity, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Divorce and Cheating Comes In Waves

January 14, 2013 By Athol Kay 34 Comments

For some strange reason there’s a distinct lack of cheating whores wanting to be friends with Jennifer….

…let me explain.

I now know of this situation happening with some degree of variance in four different sets of couples…

Anna and Alex are married. Brad and Brenda are married.

Anna tell tells Alex that Brenda is having an affair and cheating on Brad.

Alex is somewhat friends with Brad, but Anna swears him to secrecy. Alex complies and doesn’t tell Brad. Besides, how do you tell someone that they are being cheated on. So awkward.

Anna starts to get snippy with Alex over little stuff.

Anna starts telling Alex how annoyed she is with Brenda and how she’s changing and doesn’t like it.

Anna gets annoyed with Alex over lots of different things.

Anna tells Alex that Brenda is going balls deep with her OM.

Anna invites Brenda and Brad over. Alex extremely uncomfortable making small talk with Brad because he he knows what Brenda is up to. Alex says nothing.

Anna tells Alex how unhappy she is in the marriage and is considering moving out to figure herself out.

Alex begs Anna to stay, asks for counseling et al.

Anna agrees.

Magically the counselor suggests a separation.

Alex helps Anna find an apartment.

Alex waits patiently for Anna to find herself.

Anna finds herself in a variety of sexual positions with different men.

Alex cries alone in the dark and masturbates to the memory of Anna.

And so on and so on and so on…

Maybe it’s just me… but if I ever tell someone to blow the lid open on someone else’s affair, it’s also to protect them as much as anything. When your spouse throws that in front of you, your passive acceptance can be interpreted as weakness. If you’re weak to awkward… you’re weak to a great many things.

So maybe it’s my big mouth that doesn’t give a shit where the chips fall, that creates a whore avoidance field around Jennifer. Though it’s not like she attracts the Girl’s Night Out crowd in the first place.

And yes of course the cheater will be mad when you spill it. Fuck ‘em. They shouldn’t be whores and douchebags if you don’t want that coming around and hitting them in the ass. If they couldn’t shut their mouth or be discreet, they’re stupid, stupid, stupid.

And yes of course the cheated on person may not like you for telling them. Oh well, not like you could continue the friendship as it was, knowing they are being duped and always having to talk around the elephant in the womb.

And yes of course your partner will be mad when you spill it. Good. They won’t have any illusions what you’ll do if they ever cheat. Give them the heads up first of course. Real simple. “I can never let you think I won’t take strong action about cheating. If you didn’t want me to do something, you should never have told me.” They may not like it, but they will respect it.

Divorce and cheating comes in waves, you gotta stop it at the source.

Keep reading. Divorce is contagious, stop it at the sniffles.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization

What It Means When She Tells You She Kissed Another Man

December 29, 2012 By Athol Kay 40 Comments

Most people are basically moral. Meaning faced with a moderate degree of temptation, they will still do the right thing anyway. There are some crappy people in the world that don’t ever experience temptation, because they have no moral compass and just do whatever they want all the time. Most people are moral… but not saints… everyone has their price where they become okay with doing evil.

For example, ask me to kill a kitten… and I’ll say no. I happen to like kittens. Ask me to kill a kitten for $100 and I’ll still say no. It’s just cruel to think about. $1000… ah… no. $1 million bucks to kill a kitten… and… well… how many dead kittens do you need?

So let’s consider how the morality sliding scale works with affairs. Let’s create a fake couple Anne and Alex and the third wheel Brad and watch the slide from White (morally good) to Black (full blown affair)

White – Anne and Brad know each other and nothing questionable is happening between them.

White/Grey – In this transition point, the first crossing of the line happens between Anne and Brad. Usually it’s simply a low key feeler thrown out from the guy to the girl. Something “non-serious” and easily disclaimed as an accident or no attempt to be offensive. Failure to knock the feeler back by the girl is implied acceptance of the advance to Grey.

Grey – This is the zone where Anne and Brad know that something inappropriate is happening between them, they don’t want Alex to find out about it, but it’s also reasoned as being ”just flirting”, “not cheating”, “harmless fun”. Except it’s not really any of those and is being kept secret. At this point it’s an emotional connection and not physical.

Grey/Black – Anne and Brad kiss. This marks the transition into the affair being more physical. It may not turn into sex with the first episode of kissing, but it can escalate very quickly to sex after the first kiss. It’s a major hurdle to cross.

Black - Anne and Brad are now in a full sexual relationship and there’s a huge desire to hide it from Alex.

The idea for Brad is to navigate Anne through the scale of white to black at a steady pace, without stalling in any of the areas for too long, but not so fast that she hits a moral limit she isn’t prepared to break just yet. So he shouldn’t stall out too long for going for the kiss, but also shouldn’t go from introductory flirting to asking her to suck his dick either. (Try not to think of me as just having given advice on how to seduce someone’s wife, and more explaining how they do it.)

Now from Anne’s point of view…

White – Nothing is inappropriate, I love Alex. Brad is okay.

White/Grey Rejects Brad – I love Alex, Brad was rude.

White/Great Accepts Brad – I love Alex, Brad is funny.

Grey – I love Alex, but I’m falling in love with Brad.

Grey/Black Rejects Brad – I love Alex, I want Brad but I just can’t do this.

Grey/Black Accepts Brad – I love Alex, but when I’m with Brad I feel amazing, I can’t not do this.

Black – I love Alex, but it’s fading and I’m not in love with him. I’m in love with Brad and I’m starting to love him.

Importantly, if Anne rejects Brad at the White/Grey or Grey/Black transition points, there’s minimal chance she will tell Alex what happened. Most of the time he will never find out anything was happening. If it’s at the White/Grey line, there’s nothing to see and nothing to tell. If it’s at the Grey/Black line, all he’ll know is that she was a little distant there for a while, but then she stopped being a little distant. He quite possibly never notices anything was going on.

Far more interesting is if Anne tells Alex she’s been doing something inappropriate. This is always an ass backwards ultimatum and Fitness Test from her to him. It looks like a confession, but it’s far more than that…

Fitness Test angle first. Brad already knows about Alex, and has been making headway on Anne by indirect and stealthy means. So he does not want a confrontation with Alex. Alex however doesn’t know Brad is making headway on Anne, so he’s not paying particular attention to mate guarding Anne. So Alex is the sleeping Samurai, while Brad is the sneaking Ninja. So when Anne confesses to Alex something is happening with Brad, it’s like she suddenly flips the lights on and it’s all on…. Yo Samurai… there’s a Ninja…Why don’t you and him fight.

Whoever has the strongest overall male frame/presence will carry the day. If Alex turns into a spineless writhing blubbering weakling in front of Anne and weepingly begs her to come back to him… she’ll find a way to go back to Brad. If Alex suddenly reacts with controlled fury and seeks to defend what’s his, Ninja Brad will drop a smoke bomb and vanish.

Ultimatum angle second: Anne let Brad get as far as he did, because there was something lacking in Alex. Look I know that’s hard to hear, but it’s true. So not only does Alex have to puff up and scare Brad off, he’s also got to figure out what Anne is giving him an ultimatum about. She was prepared to risk the entire relationship by telling him about her thing with Brad. If she didn’t want to put the relationship on the line, she would NEVER have told him, she would have just broken it off with Brad.

The good news is that Anne does at least want to have a relationship with Alex… provided of course he fixes the problem.

The bad news is that when she told him about Brad, it was a fairly sanitized version of what really happened. Alex must always assume that worse things happened and find a way to divine the truth as best he can. If it was a case of she slept with Brad and then “gets away with it” by Alex taking her back without knowing, she’ll not respect him.

So Alex must immediately (1) get the other man out of the picture, (2) scare Anne half to death that he’ll possibly divorce her (she will fail to respect him unless he does that), (3) start fixing whatever structural weakness he has in holding Anne’s attraction.

And just to be clear, I’m not saying get in there and start trading punches… as tempting as that may be. I’m saying gather your information and find a way to get them not wanting to be together.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization

New Year’s Eve and It Just Happened

December 5, 2012 By Athol Kay 33 Comments

Slightly out of context…

Reader: I have also discovered that there’s another guy on the scene she’s been seeing behind my back messages on Facebook meeting up with him when supposed to be visiting friends so things could get interesting. Do I tell her I know about this guy or keep quiet and work on my MAP and win her back?

Athol: Also added into that concern was that Christmas is coming and he doesn’t want to ruin it for the kids. Plus based on Facebook messaging it only seems to have been some “drunken fumbling” so far. No actual sex.

Yes you do work on your MAP and get yourself as attractive as possible, but with another man active on the playing field, you need to actively intervene on that as your first order of business. Skip to Chapter 27 in the Primer and follow that. Once all the drama and dust settles, women typically will gravitate to the male with the most dominant approach to the situation. Gather your information and make a move to stopping it.

If you don’t intervene, you running the MAP isn’t going to work. She’s already getting her Alpha fix from someone else, leaving you only a Beta supply role. You can up your Alpha all you like and she won’t notice she’ll be so busy creating space between you. The sudden threat of ending the relationship and removing her entire Beta support system in your justifiable anger typically snaps a wife’s attention back into proper focus. The boyfriend is typically in no position to really offer her a Beta support structure, meaning the failure of the affair as a relationship. It usually takes the betrayed partner’s unwitting Beta support to sustain the affair.

Also it’s very tempting to drag the chain a little and keep the peace until after Christmas. I must strongly advise against that. The longer you let it go, the greater the likihood that the Emotional Affair, turns into a Physical Affair and that makes it a great deal harder to reign back in and repair. I would also assign a 100% chance that if the affair is still active by New Year’s Eve, that it will be fully sexual. She’ll just stage a big fight about something, storm off and make a beeline for him. You’ll be home alone with the kids and knowing exactly what is going down. New Year’s Eve is just one of those “the rules don’t apply” nights of the year.

She was having a good time, she had a few drinks, they were dancing, the ball dropped, it was meant to just be a little kiss, but then it wasn’t and “I don’t know. It just happened.”

So dig up the dirt and blow it all into the open as soon as possible. I’m told there’s quite a sizable divorce filing spike in early January each year. Tick Tock.

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Girl Thinking About Having Coffee With Plate Spinning Ex-Boyfriend

November 29, 2012 By Athol Kay 44 Comments

Plate Spinning = The practice of a single guy keeping multiple women in a soft harem arrangement. Initial effort to get each woman up to speed and spinning on the end of his… er… stick… and then consistent occasional effort split between them all to keep them all up in the air for him.

Anyway…

From the forum… behold the hamster wheel doing this…

Sparrow: Yesterday was…a trip. This is a bit disjointed; I’m in an emotional tailspin and just bought a bag of cookies. I could use some advice. Even if the advice is: Sparrow, you’re an idiot. And, wait, you acted like that? And, what is your SR again? Just, please, if you do think I’m being that silly, please tell me why I’m being an idiot and not just “yep. Silly birdie.”

Some background: I once dated what is commonly referred to as an asshole alpha. I (unknowingly) shit tested him into beta. I kept breaking up with him and we got back together three times in three years. To this day, I’m not sure if he’s emotionally abusive or has some kind of Cluster B issue. I think it’s a strong possibility, but I also know that, especially towards the end, I was being a bitch. After last breakup, I spent a fair amount of time apologizing because I figured out I was a bitch. Including once, memorably, on my knees. Yes, I did the whole submissive posturing thing. Apology accepted. Then I went abroad for a year (and got more religious over the period of time). Thought I was done with the cycle. During that time, my former best friend carried on an fwb situation with the fellow at the same time he was e-mailing me asking to make up.

I know I handled a lot of it badly. We started dating when I was 19. This was the second guy I ever kissed. Aside from all the emotional stuff that went on, the physical stuff (sort of sex?) was…Really Good. Ok, so I pretty much went from 0 to 500 in this relationship, and have no real basis of comparison, but as far as I can tell, sex type stuff was really good for both of us. Emotionally: good to ok to godawful. Chemistry: through the roof.

Eventually, sort of made up with the friend. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at her June wedding (she’s engaged to a different guy). *sigh* I said yes. Except, she also wants my ex boyfriend in her wedding party. The guy is a starving musician trying to make it big and currently has a harem of six, not counting the ONS. She asked me to play nice. So, Monday, we were all in the same place at the same time. I’m so much on edge that I can barely think straight, but I did my best to be friendly. Boy tries to give me (and assorted other female types) a hug before he goes; I take a step back. Boy asked if he could call me to get a cup of coffee next time he’s in town. I said: ok.

I called later that night because I wanted to understand what his intentions were. After some phone tag, he said he missed having me as a friend in his life and would call about the coffee next time he were in town. Except…we never did well as friends. That’s one reason why we kept getting back together.

So I’m confused. Is he actually serious about the coffee? I’m a bit skeptical about the friend bit, but he’s also incurably honest. Is he trying to gloat? Be friends? Add me to the harem? Get back together? And how much are regular awesomely good sexytimes worth? I don’t know if you want to label this as, “idiot hamster can’t step away from alpha,” or “ex-stupidity,” or, “bad relationship cycles,” or “what’s the worst that could happen?,” or “men and women can’t be friends” or “Sparrow thinks about sex too much” or “get out and date other guys” or what. I’d just like to know what you guys think is going on. Help?

Athol: Oh coffee…. why are you so delicious?

It sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him, but it never sounds like it was a good relationship with him. You can’t be his friend, because you’re attracted to him and he isn’t remotely interested in just being your friend, so it’s always going to escalate in the direction of the bedroom. You may have tested him into Beta at the end of your last try with him, but if he’s spinning six plates these days, I doubt he’s going to revert to that for you. So your relationship options are (1) A 4th round of a really bad relationship, or (2) don’t have a relationship with him.

Anyway, I’d write more, but I’ve had this song waiting in the wings for the correct post for THREE YEARS.

Oh and @ your girlfriend… having the prior (?) fuck buddy in the wedding party. Stay classy girlfriend.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, How To Choose A Wife, Humor and Everything Else

Why She’s Silent About Why She’s Divorcing

November 23, 2012 By Athol Kay 58 Comments

A woman Jennifer knows is divorcing. Being a busybody that likes sticking his nose in, and relationships generally being my pet interest…

Athol: “Why is she divorcing?”

Jennifer: “Don’t know. All I know is that she’s divorcing.”

Athol: “She isn’t blaming him for anything?”

Jennifer: “No, just keeping it all very quiet.”

Athol: “She cheated then.”

Jennifer: “Huh? What makes you say that?”

Athol: “If he was doing anything wrong, she would have told everyone in the world what it was. Which means she did something wrong… and it’s over. So he caught her cheating.”

Jennifer: “Wow that’s a bit of a leap. Just because she isn’t running him down doesn’t mean she cheated.”

Athol: “Can I have lunch with her then?”

Jennifer: “$%^& NO!”

Athol: “Why?”

Jennifer: “Okay so she must have cheated.”

Athol: “Exactly.”

Jennifer: “Yeah yeah.”

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity

Why Wives Avoid Raincheck Sex With Their Husbands

November 7, 2012 By Athol Kay 34 Comments

A basic male complaint is that a wife routinely refusing sex with her husband, will come up with all sorts of nonsense to make sex not happen. This angers the husbands to no end.

The logic is pretty simple…

(1) We are married. (2) The purpose of being married together is to have a sexual relationship. (3) When you refuse me sex, you’re avoiding holding up your end of the bargain while I still have to earn money, fix the house and mow the lawn. Therefore, (4) you are a total bitch.

Makes perfect sense doesn’t it, but it still can’t be a correct understanding of the situation, because if the wife routinely seeks to avoid sex with her husband… it doesn’t explain why she does that.

Even worse is some nights she says she almost wants sex, but not quite, and then she offers him a raincheck of sex the next day. Then when the next day rolls around, she completely avoids sex yet again. This really pisses the husband off and makes her seem even more of a bitch.

So let’s come at it from a different angle….

Imagine you’re a husband and you watch your wife get all dressed up in some fairly revealing clothing and her best makeup job, to go for a Girl’s Night Out at a local bar. A bar noted for being a total sleazy meat market. When she leaves, you experience stomach churning dread that The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM) is going to happen. Some other dude is going to take his penis, put it in her vagina, and she’ll get pregnant to him. Thus making you a total failure in getting your genes spread into the future generations. Do. Not. Want.

Now imagine you’re a wife and your unattractive husband comes up to you and asks for sex. That would mean some repulsive loser is going to try and put his penis inside your vagina and you might get pregnant to him… which would be The Very Worst Thing In The World (TM) to happen to you. In would result in a crappy kid, who would likely fail to get your genes spread into future generations. Do. Not. Want.

That stomach churning dread she feels when her unattractive husband comes on to her, is the exact same reaction husbands have when she wants to disappear on a Girl’s Night Out.

This is why you can’t logically argue your wife into having more sex with her… because it would be from her point of view, completely illogical to have sex with you. In fact it would be pretty stupid of her on a biological level to risk it.

This is why when she offers “I’m too tired today, I’ll have sex with you tomorrow.” She never has any intention of having sex with you tomorrow. It’s just a ploy to get you to not have sex with her tonight.

Thus your solution isn’t to throw a fit, get in her face, or be threatening. Oh that can work, but it’s a very short term response as she’ll attempt to cut you back off as quickly as she can. The long term solution is to become attractive as you can be. The cockblock is you.

Now if you run the MAP and get in great shape, earn more money and generally get your crap together… objectively maxing out your attractiveness… if she then still turns you down, well then you can go back and apply the initial logic that sums out to her being a bitch that just isn’t into you. If your attractiveness is maxed out, there’s nothing more you can do to evoke her sexual interest in you anyway. So that’s the call it quits point. She just doesn’t want to have sex with you.

If you run the MAP and become as attractive as you can be, either she responds to you and sex starts back up, or she doesn’t because she never will… which leaves you at the peak of your attractiveness and far better able to find a new woman to love and want you. Either way you win. It’s just not a quick fix or easy. But it does work.

Buy the book. Get started today.

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Fitness Testing vs Loyalty Testing

October 15, 2012 By Athol Kay 50 Comments

I’ve had a long email exchange over a few days now. At first it’s mildly tedious as I answer – yet again – the basics. But at the end is a moment of zen as the student teaches the teacher and a new term is created…

Reader: I was thinking that there are two types of beta – good and bad. Now, though, after living through this, i wonder if alpha/beta is more alpha/something else, eliminate squirrelly beta behavior. All the behaviors you say to stop should be stopped. Grow a backbone. Don’t ever do something she can do herself. Pick up the kids. That’s not the task. Pick up the kids when her idiot boss keeps her late at work. That’s a no-brainer, and you do it because it needs to be done. It’s not the same thing.

Relationship comfort is not picking up the kids because her boss in an ass. Relationship comfort is based in making sure she knows she’s your Number One. It *is* the loyalty factor. Our wedding rings and engagement tattoos are claddaghs. Love is easy. Friendship means we like each other and respect each other on another level. Loyalty is both sexual and social. Monogamy. Mate guarding. Direct expressions of husband/wife-dom. None of these are beta activities. They are neither alpha nor beta.

You may have a x/y/z rather than an x/y formula, with x and z being desired at high levels, and y at low levels. Just a thought.

Athol: Alpha = attraction = dopamine

Beta = comfort = oxytocin

Physical = horny = testosterone/estrogen

“Bad beta” is basically something that looks like it might be good Beta, but wrapped up in a total failure of Alpha.

Good Beta = me finding two perfect jackets to go with Jennifer’s polka dot dress as a surprise and time saver.

Bad Beta = Jennifer ordering me to go find her a jacket to go with the dress in a shitty tone and me going off and finding something for her.

It’s really more a failure of Alpha than bad Beta though.

Reader: So you don’t agree with the “too much alpha” and loyalty tests, or what I’m talking about isn’t related? I’ll figure this out… it’s just not clicking yet.

Athol: Can a man be too rich and powerful? Too strong?

He can be powerful but then lack enough Beta to make the woman comfortable he isn’t just going to dump her for someone hotter.

Reader: Ok, so it’s still just alpha and beta, but there’s good alpha (wet panties) and bad alpha (asshole), good beta (loyalty) and bad beta (doormat).

Heh. The model holds up. Yup, I’m Virgo rising. Gotta deconstruct everything.

Athol: No…

Good Alpha (strong dominant = wet panties) Weak Alpha (doormat)

Good Beta (looks after you) Weak Beta (doesn’t do anything helpful or nice)

You just see a lot of (Good Alpha + Weak Beta) guys and (Weak Alpha + Good Beta) guys that’s where the confusion comes from.

Reader: And where does asshole come in? Personality disorder? Lol

Athol: An asshole is someone you want to give you Beta attention who doesn’t.

Reader: lmao! Yup!

Reader: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!! I got it!! The loyalty tests really rang true. I never really thought I was shit testing, but I knew I was testing *something*.

So, is it this??

If the Alpha is high but bad or not enough Beta, it’s a loyalty test. If the Beta is high but bad and the Alpha is low, it’s a shit test.

Did I finally get it right? We’re just very open to talking about this in shared terms, and he had been trying to respond to what I now think are loyalty tests with the proper beta shit test response, which threw me further down the pit, thinking he was fixing to leave me. So, they’d backfire until he finally sat me down and said something completely profoundly loyal. And I’d be okay in an instant. So, I was thinking that since he’s heavy Alpha, there had to be something else at play. But, it’s simply that either his Alpha was incorrectly played, and/or his beta wasn’t there.

We’re officially living together now, and all this has gone away. Well, most of it. I still have residual fear, but when he’s right there to look me in the eye, he doesn’t even have to say anything anymore. I get it. He’s not going to leave me. And now I’m pushing him for more Alpha. heh. Go figure. Stupid hamster.

Athol: Actually all this makes a lot of sense. I’ve been arguing for nearly three years that Alpha and Beta are two separate traits of behaviors, yet only have Fitness Testing as a single term for ”acting out” behavior. Which means I’ve been kind of saying saying two things can be a problem, but there’s only one reason women can get upset. When I say it like that, makes me sound like an idiot lol.

I have talked about why wives can start getting withdrawn as their husbands improve their Sex Rank and start pulling ahead of their wives in attractiveness, just didn’t have a term for it. I think Loyalty Testing is a good one. A wife can be plenty attracted to her husband, just terrified of getting cheated on or dumped. There’s Dread Game where you inject a little of that into the mix and get a positive reaction, and then there’s losing hope that she can be anything other than a victim to his whim for how the relationship plays out. When that happens she pulls back, shuts her vagina down and braces for the emotional shotgun blast to the chest.

Which is exactly why when a wife Loyalty Tests her husband, and he bumps back on her and acts aloof and unaffected by her like it’s a Fitness Test, it makes things significantly worse between them. Playing hard to get when someone is desperate to see loyalty is the completely wrong thing to do.

So… new rules and terms…

Fitness Testing and/or ignoring you, act more Alpha

Loyalty Testing and/or clinging to you, act more Beta

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization