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When She Makes Sudden Positive Changes… For Bullshit Reasons

July 18, 2012 By 42 Comments

When you start running the MAP and making real and positive changes to your life, eventually your spouse will notice. Whether they like those changes or not is a separate issue, but they do notice that you’re changing. What usually happens though is they tend to be aware of you changing for a while but ignore it figuring that it will simply go away. It’s not until it’s really reaching a serious tipping point that they suddenly start asking questions and acting like you’re really up to something. Or it can even be that they are pretending to ignore you changing, and quietly behind the scenes they are checking your credit card, phone and Internet browsing history trying to figure you out.

The point is, when you change because of running the MAP, you really do change because you’re up to something and your spouse really should pay acute attention to that. To be sure you are up to “good” rather than up to “no good”, but how is your spouse to know that until they check into it.

What you also have to be aware of though, is your partner running some variant of the MAP on you.

So when your wife suddenly loses thirty pounds, sure you say “great job honey”, but you also have to wonder why that is happening after all the prior diets failed. When your wife suddenly stops nagging you about everything and actually encourages you to go on that fishing trip all weekend, that’s great, but you also have to wonder why she’s being so nice. When your wife decides to get a job, that’s great because you’ve been asking her to do that for the last year-and-a-half, but you also have to wonder why she stopped resisting suddenly. When your wife suddenly seems interested in buying lingerie, that’s great, but you have to wonder why she’s acting differently. When your wife suddenly wants a lot more sex, out-of-the-ordinary sex, or wakes you up to have sex, you have to wonder why she’s suddenly so damn horny. Which is admittedly, kinda great.

All of those things are good things. I mean who wouldn’t love your wife to drop 30 pounds, stop nagging, send you fishing, add more money to the family income, buy lingerie and be all over you wet, willing and wild. She sounds like the full Jennifer does she not. Now all of those good things could be happening for “up to good” reasons, but they could also be happening for “up to no good” reasons. So you have to find out what the song she’s dancing to is.

What you’re looking for is some clear explanation for her behavior. If you get a good clear answer, that’s probably the real answer, if you get some kind of half-ass non-committal answer, you’re getting bullshit. She needs an explanation that explains her high motivation because her behavior required commitment. Examples.

She loses 30 pounds.

Good: I want to look good for the wedding. I was in a changing room and I overheard the sales girls laughing about my weight and I was so ashamed of what I’ve become. Because the heart attack scared the crap out of me. I have flesh eating bacteria.

Bad:  I don’t know, I just wanted to.  I don’t know, it’s just so easy and really working this time. Why are you asking, aren’t you happy I’ve lost the weight? I’m doing this for you.

Stops Nagging and Fishing Trip

Good:  Because I’ve discovered that when I nag you, you just dig in and it never gets done. I read about it in these books and it seems to be working because the things I was nagging you about, you’re actually doing now anyway. It took so much patience to do at first though. Because when I drag you to my stuff you hate it and ruin it for me, and I have no interest in fishing. This way we both win.

Bad:  I think we both just need our space. I’ve given up asking you to do anything.

Gets a Job

Good:  Because now our daughter has started Middle School and gets the bus, I don’t have to do the pick up and drop off routine twice a day. Because we’re starting to go backward on the credit cards, we’re fine for now, but we need more income.

Bad:  I just want to earn my own money. You’re not making enough money, so I have to go back to work. Because you wouldn’t buy me a boobjob.

Buys Lingerie

Good:  Because my sister told me if she could have changed one thing about her marriage, it was that she should have worn lingerie to bed once in a while. Apparently he asked her to a lot and she never did. Then I remembered how you used to ask too and I always said I feel too fat to wear it… and then you stopped asking. I’m just so scared of what happened to them happening to us. I look ridiculous though and this thong is making my asshole itch.

Bad:  I don’t know, I just like it now. I have to be really in the mood for it though. It was on sale.

Me So Horny

Good:  I’m reading 50 Shades of Grey and it’s getting to me lol. Since you got me that vibrator I’ve had more and more orgasms and I think I’m just on a roll with doing more and wanting more. The hormone patches are working. Because you just look so much better since you got in shape. I just discovered how much free porn there is on the Internet.

Bad:  Why do you have to ruin everything by asking a question like that?

So… if you see major or unusual changes in your spouse, and you get bullshit answers as the explanation for why that’s happening… dig deeper.  And likewise if you’re making positive changes running the MAP and are giving your wife bullshit reasons, don’t be surprised if she starts going all CSI on your ass behind the scenes. I mean that’s what I would tell her to do.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

How To Figure Out What Is Wrong In Your Sex Life

July 12, 2012 By 33 Comments

I got asked today what I do to determine the problem area in the basic problem of a wife not wanting sex. It’s an excellent question because it will determine the way you go about solving that issue too. It’s a five step process akin to Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs where you need the bottom layers to be fulfilled in order to have the upper layer’s needs sought to be met. This is also why some guys get this near instant sexual explosion of interest from their wife as soon as they find MMSL, and some guys have a couple years of grinding out the MAP to make it go together.

Step One – Rule Out Medical

This is where I ask the questions about any medications, medical issues, birth control history and her all purpose general physical health. There are plenty of medical things that can nerf sex drive and ability to function sexually. You have to address this stuff first because there’s minimal benefit from running Game on a wife that just has zero sex drive and when she masturbates can no longer physically orgasm. You’re going to run your Alpha stuff and all the serotonin overload from her anti-depressants is going to flood out her ability to respond to it. Most anti-psychotics for example work by shutting down dopamine receptors in the brain, (which is also why most people on anti-psychotics have so little motivation to do anything) and you looking crazy hot is simply not going to trigger a dopamine response in her. It’s like she’s taking 200mg of I-Don’t-Give-A-Fuck.

If the problem is a medical issue, the solution is to seek medical attention and have it addressed. You simply can’t Game your way to a great sex life if the Mirena IUD inside her has completely stopped her sex drive. That being said, the health care system is increasingly an assembly line of care through too much asked of too few doctors. So you must educate yourself as fully as possible on your critical medical needs affecting your sex life. You can’t simply book a med appointment and hope for the best. You read up and ask questions. The entire goal of running the MAP may simply be to get her to seek medical attention for her issue.

Step Two – Rule Out Structural Attraction Issues

The structural attraction stuff is something you are lacking that 90%+ of all women would find a serious stumbling block to being interested in you. I’m talking about stuff like whether or not you have/can hold a job. Whether you have a mountain of debt. Whether you are badly obese. Whether you own your own car (outside of a city like New York of course). Whether your home is in a basically safe neighborhood. Whether you have a serious illness. Basically anything that is currently a big problem in your life now, that would have be a deal breaker when she first got involved with you.

Again… these are all things that you can’t Game your way out of. If she’s laying awake at night thinking about how you don’t have a job and the debt is piling up, and you’re 150 pounds overweight, she’s simply not going to respond to your cocky and funny routines as well as she could if you were in shape and there was $5,000 in the checking account. Just not happening.

So the solution is to fix those long term structural attraction issues. This may well take a long time and require huge effort, but it’s the only way to advance into the future with any degree of success.

Step Three – Rule Out Critical Moments and Neglect

Sometimes you just really screw up and it creates a moment of such negative emotion in her that she is wounded by it. Stuff like you didn’t come to the birth of your kid. Her best friend died and you went fishing. You hit her for whatever reason. Also if you ever cheated on her and she discovers it. You humiliated her in public for something. Anything that you were to an outside observer completely out of line. Likewise extreme long term ignoring of her – whether that’s by video game addiction, long hours at work, or endless travel, doesn’t matter. You’ve ignored her emotional needs for so long that she’s shut off from you.

In this case she’s emotionally withdrawn from you and holding herself back from you. She’s got her shields set to maximum and doesn’t want you to be happy either. She is deeply emotionally uncomfortable with you.

The solution is to apologize and be genuine about it. Often the initial problem stems from a lack of Beta attention, so whatever that lack was, you have to now supply. Note I said lack. If you’re already heavy Beta, you don’t just add yet more Beta.

Step Four – Rule Out Another Man

If she’s physically healthy, everything is basically running smoothly and there’s no big soul crushing moment dampening things, but the sex is minimal, she’s mentally absent and acting strangely… odds are there is another man involved. This will always be hidden from you as best she can, so you will need to play detective and scurry out the phone records, credit card statements, phone and text logs, Internet history and even have her followed to actively rule out another man being in play.

I know that’s horrible to think about, but I have learned to always ask the question about ruling out someone else. I am unfortunately right about this a regrettably high amount of the time. And yet again, this is not something that being cocky and funny will effectively work on. She’s not going to respond to you with high interest over some sexy moves, when the other man has her all jacked up on dopamine from illicit text messages and swapping nude photos. You must intervene firmly, swiftly and decisively.

The basic rule of thumb is that a woman torn between two men, will typically respond in the short term to the one making the strongest, most dominant and sexually aggressive play for her. This is why Nice Guy husbands who earn good money, have a nice home and generally provide her with the lap of luxury, lose out to “douchebag losers with nothing”. The Nice Guy husband begging for his wife to come home and generally being emotional about it, will loose out to a confident douchebag who just demands she cater to him. (Six months later when the glow wears off, douchebag is seen more clearly for what he is of course… then she can have serious regrets)  Douchebag has a better Alpha profile and that’s what draws women in for affairs.  This effect of most dominant male wins is also why cheated on husbands become physically enraged and experience an enormous desire for physical violence against the other man. Back in the Time Before Writing, that’s how Alpha dominance was figured out back then. The simple act of moving in on another man’s wife and risking violence is a sleeazy but powerful Alpha move.

Step Five – Game On

If everything else checks out, she’s likely just a bit bored and as soon as you start being goofy and groping, she’s going to light up and lap it up. Play some Sexy Moves out of the bag and you’re good to go. Alpha Beta Balance for the win.

If you have multiple areas of trouble, then you need to work on all of those areas as quickly as you can. Priority should be given to the earlier steps as much as possible and you shouldn’t expect a major sexual response until Steps One through Four are fairly well under control.

If Nothing Works

If everything checks out fine in Steps One through Four, and you’ve added Step Five and still nothing… it’s likely that you have a woman that will never experience a strong sexual interest in you. She might pop some interest in you when she ovulates, but once a month sex still means the criteria of a sexless marriage. So it’s pretty much game over. She’s just not interested in you that way. Classic signs of this is her offering an open marriage or saying you could get a girlfriend.

 

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization, Sexy Moves, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

When Do You Tell Someone Bad Stuff About Their Marriage?

July 3, 2012 By 19 Comments

Reader:  Hi Athol, I recently found out that a female relative of mine had done a handful of porn movies many years ago. I don’t know the why, how or wherefore. She’s now in her late thirties, married, with two kids and seems to be doing well for herself. I’m not going to tell anyone about this, least of all. her husband.

I know intuitively that this is not one of those situations where it would be appropriate to tell––she has kids, it’s behind her, I don’t really know her that well and it’s probably none of my business anyway. For all I know, he knows about her past and is cool with it. If he isn’t, nobody gains anything from the revelation and a possibly broken family.

However, this got me thinking. When is this kind of potentially-marriage-destroying information appropriate to divulge to the spouse (or spouse-to-be)? Are there any general guidelines to follow?

My horse sense is that, if you’re related to the “offending” party, and it happened years ago, you should keep your mouth shut. Ditto if the marriage has already happened, or if they’ve been together some years. However, I can think of other situations where things be a little weird. Notional examples:

-Your brother’s about to be married to a wonderful girl. He (your brother) was diagnosed with schizophrenia in his early twenties, a condition which he keeps in check with medication. As far as you know, he takes his medication regularly, but he tells his girlfriend it’s “for insomnia and headaches” and she believes him. The marriage is in a couple of months. Should you tell your brother’s wife-to-be?

-Your cousin has mooched thousands, maybe even millions of dollars off family and friends. Now she’s getting married to a wealthy guy who she’s told lies to (e.g. that her family “hates her for no reason”). Do you tell her beau what he’s going to be in for?

-Your niece is getting into massive debt with her shopping addiction. She told her husband that it was from an inheritance but she spent that years ago. He thinks everything’s fine. It isn’t. Should you speak up?

In essence, when is ignorance bliss, and when is it a curse? When should you tell, and when should you avoid it?

Athol:  These are good questions and there is not always a perfect answer to these “landmine” issues. I call them landmines because they lie under the surface, are hard to detect and as long as you have the area the landmine is placed in fenced off pretty well… they don’t actually do much damage. Plenty of people in the world live “next door” to uncleared mined fields from past conflicts and apart from having to buy a new soccer ball every time you kick it out of bounds, it’s not like they are catching the full brunt of exploding mines.

The difference between physical mines and these emotional ones, is that the emotional ones explode as soon as knowledge of the mine is brought to light. Thus the secret has to be kept, or it explodes. I know of people who have unbidden fessed up to things ages after the fact and vastly more regretted the telling, rather than the actual thing they did.

The core questions I would ask myself is, (1) whether or not the situation is going to be made better and/or further disaster averted by the revelation of the potentially relationship breaking issue, (2) whether or not innocent bystanders are going to be damaged by the revelation. i.e. are the children going to be screwed over by it, and finally (3) whether or not the inappropriate behavior is ongoing and/or likely going to continue into the future and screw over an innocent bystander who will get taken advantage of.

So lets try the cases…

Short term porn lady from ages ago. The best possible hope from revealing the information is that nothing much changes other than a month or two of drama that gets sorted out in porn lady’s marriage. The worst case is that the husband is unable or unwilling to continue on in the marriage and it ends rather quickly. In the worst case scenario, the kids have their family shattered and it’s going to blow up their world like a bolt of lightning on a clear sunny day. So telling is potentially going to screw up four lives and offers no clear benefit. Plus she’s no longer engaging in this behavior and doesn’t appear to be currently trying to be anything other than a good wife. Thus don’t reveal.

(As a clarification, if Porn Lady was shooting porn on the side now, or cheating now, or anything really bad now…that I would reveal. In that case what she’s currently doing can turn into something that’s going to blow everything up and end the marriage. Or she can catch a disease, or get pregnant, or get a crazy obsessive guy or whatever else can go wrong in cheating and affairs. What she did in the past and stopped doing, didn’t result in disease / pregnancy / relationship failure / et al, so it’s a in a sense like she ran a red light… but didn’t hit anyone. In a sense, she indeed got away with it, but you also don’t T-Bone red runners purposely to “punish” them.)

Schizophrenic Brother. My hunch is that eventually once she’s a wife, she’ll discover the truth about his schizophrenia. She’ll Google the medications he’s taking and wonder why he’s seeing a psychiatrist instead of a neurologist for his “headaches” and it will all start to unravel. The truth will always come out with this one, so you may as well reveal now, as opposed to letting the issue blow up even bigger in the future. Telling now does of course risk the ending of the relationship, but if ends now, it would have extremely likely ended when it was revealed in the future anyway. Schizophrenia is a definite need to know information, and the fiance is an innocent bystander here as well. So reveal.

 Mooching Cousin. Well if her pattern is to siphon cash off the unwitting, you can bet that she’s planning to continue it with her new husband. When it blows up a few years into the marriage, that might be the end of things. Revealing now might mean that the situation doesn’t spiral out of control, yet the wedding could potentially proceed. The new husband for example may want to restructure things financially before he marries, but still marry. Revealing potentially makes things better and protects an innocent bystander in the potential new husband. Reveal.

Shopzilla. This is almost exactly the same issue as the Mooching Cousin one, except things have already progressed in the direction of bad. Blowing the lid off it when she’s $10,000 in debt is better than the husband finding out about it when it’s $25,000 debt. Revealing now might turn a marriage ending crisis into a rough patch in the marriage. So reveal.

How To Reveal…

This is a fairly simple process. You offer them the option to save as much face as possible and tell their partner the truth, or if they don’t, you’ll tell them. Plus you also offer to be present for the telling if they decide to do it. Having a third person present will typically reduce the chances of moments of unfortunately poor judgment by both parties. Look, sometimes people just snap and five seconds of seeing red gets them landed in jail despite a lifetime minus five seconds of being a pretty decent guy. People tend not to snap with an extra witness in the room. Oh they may well get mad as hell, but it can stay verbal rather than physical. Your frame is that you are a friend of the marriage, rather that taking sides.

And yes indeed you’re going to be unpopular as a fart in an elevator when all this goes down. Over the long term though, things should get better and even if they don’t like you much, they will at least respect you. Which if you take the moral high ground is considered a win.

However… if the person doing the bad things is bona fide Batshit Crazy and all that Batshit Crazy is going to now focus on you like the Eye of Sauron… suddenly an anonymous tip off looks really good. If you could reason with crazy people about the moral high ground, they wouldn’t actually be crazy. That’s what crazy means.

 

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Humor and Everything Else

What Happens In Vegas Eats Away At Your Marriage Like A Cancer

June 23, 2012 By 86 Comments

Reader:  Athol, I have a question about separate vacations. From what I have googled up they seem like a bad idea unless totally for a guys/girls only trip that is going to some place or doing something that is of no interest to the spouse; even in those cases views seem mixed.

My wife’s queen bee friend talked a bunch of single and married friends into a five day trip flying to a major city. I expressed my extreme displeasure with this since they are doing tons of stuff I would love to do there with her.

I have decided to treat this as a shit test and am agreeing and amplifying now that I have failed to talk her out of it (they scheduled it pretty quickly without much more than a couple of mentions).  I told her I am great now with separate vacations (very enthusiastic). I have also talked with the other husbands and we are planning a similar trip like a Caribbean trip.  Her first hearing of this left her scrambling for reasons for me not to go. She even backed off of doing other girls birthday trips where earlier she had alluded.

PS love your site, your advice has helped my marriage a ton. Other than this incident my marriage has vastly improved and we are both happy.

Athol: Ah the dreaded girls gone wild vacation plan. It’s a double bind in that if you passively sit by and say “Have fun honey!” you’re utterly defenseless to her cheating on you. But if you complain about it and ask her not to go, you’re a controlling jerk. So it’s lose-lose.

Look let’s be serious, the catch phrase these days is no longer “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun”, it’s “What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas.” If you’re a good girl who just wants to have fun, I’m sorry but the army of whores have taken over and established that trips to the Big Smoke are not to be good girls. That’s why they eviscerate their husbands about being controlling jerks and shame them into sitting quietly at home. If you want to be a very bad girl, it helps to keep the cockblock three states away and to forget to have your phone on.

So yes indeed, it is a major Fitness Test because it creates the perfect situation to cheat on you. This is why your male Body Agenda kicks in and you feel that all purpose skin-crawling-sinking-stomach sensation of utter dread. It’s like your spidey-sense gets tripped on and never ever shuts off again until there is no chance of this frakking trip happening.

So what to do.

I would tell her that it crosses the boundary of what is acceptable in your relationship. Just like kissing someone else crosses the line, or spending a couple thousand dollars without discussing it crosses the line, or being out all night and not answering your phone crosses the line. Or you getting a lap dance at a strip club is crossing the line. Being married comes with boundaries that define the relationship.

See we all have lines where on one side of the line we’re okay with what is happening, and on the other side of the line, we are very much not okay with what is happening. Where those lines lay is different for each couple, but monogamous married couples tend not to ever discuss them. Couples that are swingers, are into BDSM or are polyamorous talk a great deal about this sort of thing. They have conversations like…

“I was totally okay watching you get double penetrated by Mike and Toby, but then you went into a private room with Mike and I dunno, I just felt like I was starting to freak out about not knowing what was happening.”

“Well okay then, I guess if we’re going to keep doing this, we need to stay in the same room.”

“Okay, thanks. I just need to see you when we do this.”

Or like…

“No I liked being spanked like that, but then you called me a ‘little bitch’ and it just kills it for me and I shut down on you.”

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt you, this is new.”

“I know, I didn’t mean to cry and be all dramatic. You can call me ‘slut’ or ‘whore’ or something like that, I have no idea why, but ‘bitch’ just sets me off.”

“Well okay then slut.”

Or like…

“I didn’t mind that you had a date with Melanie tonight, I just felt so ignored when you came home.”

“Ignored? What did I do?”

“You barely said hello to me when you came in.”

“But I kissed you and we talked in the kitchen for like ten minutes.”

“I know. Just hold me or something when you come home. Like a few minutes.”

“Oh. Why didn’t you say?”

“Because I feel all crazy sometimes about this, but when you hold me it all goes away after a minute and it feels peaceful and right.”

“Well okay then.”

Or like…

“Hey there’s just something about watching the most important person in my life, leave me at home for five days, while she goes and gets randomly drunk with her single and divorced friends, in a far away city where I have no ability to intervene if something is going wrong, will never get a sense of peace or closure about what really went on and have read dozens of stories on the Internet about other guys getting cheated on in the exact same situation, that just really puts me on edge. I’m trying not to throw up right now.”

“You’re a controlling jerk. Go fuck yourself if you think I’m staying home.”

See?

Anyway, the whole girls gone wild vacation is typically predicated on disrespect and disinterest in the husband. Essentially she’s demanding that you passively watch her construct an entire scenario with a perfect cover for cheating. So even if she does nothing inappropriate, I can’t see how she’s going to respect you as a man after that.

But the more critical issue is that if she goes, she should be under no illusion that things will be the same between you when she comes back. Because like it or not, this is just something you’re going to react very badly about and things will be different. Your Body Agenda is all ramped up that the very worst thing in the world is happening five days in a row, you feel powerless to stop it and your internal relationship boundaries have been utterly disdained by your partner. That isn’t meant to be heard as a threat, just the simple reality that you’re not going to feel the same about her.

What drives you crazy is the implied threat to your oxytocin/vasopressin induced pair bond. There’s only two ways to stop it, either (1) she doesn’t go and the threat to the pair bond is removed, or (2) have the Body Agenda of the husband break off or diminish the strength of the pair bond itself… by which I mean stop loving her so much.

In short, don’t get into an argument about it. Don’t try and rationalize about it, because this isn’t something you have rational control over. I’d just say… “For me that’s crossing a serious line, I’m not going to be okay with that.” Which can’t really be argued against because it’s how you actually feel and will respond.

If she goes anyway after that, I think that’s a fairly clear signal she’s sending you.

 

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Nice Guys and Betaization

Why The Church Wants Men To Be Betaized Care Bears

June 8, 2012 By 58 Comments

***Just to be 100% clear for any new readers. I am an Atheist / ex-Christian. I don’t hate Christians. In this post I am not advocating for a return to marriage or sexual laws that involve large rocks being smashed against skulls. Nor do I think most Christians do either, except perhaps for a few unusually enthusiastic ones who can’t get dates despite the sexual imbalance in the pews in favor of men. Also there’s a world of difference between consensually agreeing to a Captain and First Officer styled relationship and returning to husbands owning wives in a legal sense, yada yada yada. Also don’t do drugs, because drugs are bad, mmmkay.***

Let explain how the Church feminizes husbands. I’m going to paint with a wide brush and speak in very general tones. That way I can offend everyone with my ignorance and wiggle out of being held to a position by saying I couldn’t cover everything in a single blog post.

Back around the time of Jesus, marriage was a very one-sided arrangement in favor of men. Marriage was essentially a theological construct that framed the husband as the one in direct control of the wife to the point of de facto ownership of her. Frequently the “wives obey your husbands” and “slaves obey your masters” instructions run immediately after each other, which should send up a red flag in your head that there’s a whole lot of assumption of the status quo being just peachy happening in the minds of the writers.

Jesus’ command to “not divorce” is only directed at husbands for example, because wives couldn’t divorce their husband, both as a legal and practical matter. Oh they could probably make a dash for it and leave him, but it’s basically going to be out of the frying pan and into the fire. Not many lifestyle opportunities existed for such women other than prostitution and being very very hungry. The men owned the property and the children from the marriage.

There’s also something about having your head very publicly smashed open, slowly and clumsily, by an angry mob that puts a damper on women cheating on their husbands. Plus hubby could easily get away with an occasional beating on a disobedient or unproductive wife. Marital rape is also not a crime in this time period in that she was the husband’s property, thus you couldn’t rape your wife for the same reason you couldn’t steal your own horse.

All in all, the entire marital structure of the time is one that utterly frames the husband as dominant and the wife as submissive by default and without concern for the wishes of either party of the marriage. Though one assumes the men didn’t complain overly much. If you think of marriage in New Testament times as being similar to something the Taliban thinks is a good idea about marriage minus the burkas, you’ve about got it right.

In Game parlance, the marriage of those times creates a huge structural Alpha boost for the husband, to the point that Married Game is totally redundant. Cook me dinner, raise my children, clean my house, come over here and take your clothes off. Being Beta isn’t really a concern save bringing in an income.

Thus it is in this context that all the New Testament demands to be a lovey-dovey Care Bear toward your wife need to be taken. Reading between the lines, commands to husbands boil down to “Holy crap you guys are being assholes, would you please try and be a little nicer to your wives.” Or in other words… “Be More Beta!”  It’s trying to balance out the Alpha.

Or like I say…. “If the problem is you’re too Beta, add Alpha. If the problem is you’re too Alpha, add Beta.”

So fast forward to now…

Husbands don’t own wives. It’s illegal to assault your wife. Marital rape laws are on the books. Women have the ability to own property and support themselves financially. Wives can also initiate divorce. There’s a notable lack of public stoning for adultery. Or in Game parlance, all the legal and economic structurally created Alpha that husbands used to have, has been stripped away. Zero structural Alpha…

… and all that’s left are the Sunday morning sermons to be more Beta. It’s right there in the bible. Be more Beta. Be totally Beta… and that’s where for a whole lot of Christian men, it all goes terribly wrong. They fold up like wet napkins, their wife takes over and while the marriage is likely stable, it’s not readily confused with being erotic.

All that structural Alpha is gone, gone for good and rightly so. And to be fair, the majority of evangelical Christians who do believe in the husband leading the relationship, don’t have any expectation or desire for things like husbands actually owning the wives either.

What the modern husband has to understand, is that he has to bring his own Alpha to the marriage. There’s no one else that can create the desire for your wife to willingly submit to you… but you. There’s no one else who can make her hot to drop her pants for you… but you. There’s no one else who can make her think you’re the best option she has… but you.

I’m here to help, but I can’t do it for you either.

Welcome to Hardcore gentlemen. You only get one life.

 

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Captain and First Officer, Cheating and Infidelity, Monogamy and Marriage 2.0, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

When Your Wife Hugs Everyone And It Drives You Crazy

June 5, 2012 By 24 Comments

Reader:  My wife is a “hugger”, sort of. She doesn’t hug everyone, but she does hug friends, including male friends.

*** edited out five paragraphs of ranting descriptions of hugging occurrences ***

Ok, so you can tell this is a REAL issue for me.

The hugs aren’t full body hugs, but they ARE two armed hugs. They only last for perhaps two seconds. I’m SURE her boobs touch the other person. Hell, I occasionally get a hug from a woman and generally her boobs touch ME, so I really shouldn’t be bitching. So rationally I know the hugs are no big deal, I don’t think there’s any impropriety occurring, but that doesn’t stop the caveman me from wanting to grab a club and cave in a skull. I’m talking about the “other guy” of course.

So I have two questions for you:

1. Do you let Jennifer hug other men?

2. Could my wife be putting me through a fitness test? If so, I’m not sure how to handle this because we’ve fought a few times in the last 20 years (Shit!) about this.

I’ve suggested my wife could give one armed hugs and hold her other arm in front of her, but she thought that was a ridiculous idea despite my assurances that I’ve had MANY women do that to me. (It sends a subtle, non-insulting message, while still allowing a hug to happen.)

So, am I being an idiotic prick? Should I just learn to deal with, perhaps by starting to hug other women more often? I’m not a real “huggy” person (except with wifey), but maybe I should learn how?

Help me Obiwan Athol, you are my only hope.

Obiwan:  The short answer is… two second hugs aren’t a big deal. Relax.

The longer answer is…

It’s not really a fitness test because I think she genuinely is a social hugger.

You have an impasse. Her threshold of what is appropriate touch is a lot higher than yours. But you complaining about it will cross her threshold of what is appropriate influence. Or put more plainly, she hugs people and it sets you off, but when you complain about it, it sets her off because you’re “controlling and paranoid”. So you get nowhere complaining about it.

So much of what is appropriate is determined by a host of social cues I’m not there to see or be a part of. Which is why I edited out the descriptions of the alleged inappropriate two second hugs, because I know someone in the comments is just going to skip ahead and tell you your wife is pregnant with another man’s child.

However, any place it is socially appropriate for your wife to hug another man, it’s also socially appropriate for him to shake your hand. So she hugs him, you stroll over and offer your hand / introduce yourself. He’s pretty much obligated to shake your hand, or otherwise he’s massively disrespecting you, whereupon, it’s all fair game to make a bit of a scene. If he doesn’t shake your hand and touches your wife, call him on it in public right there. “Is there a reason you feel you can put your hands on my wife and not shake my hand?”

Or… seeing your right hand is unshaken and free, playfully and just a little too hard sock him in the shoulder, or slap him on the back. Say “great to see ya” and smile. (Important tip: Only do this if you can whip his ass in a fight)

When he shakes your hand, if it’s the choir director he’s probably an okay guy, so set your handshake to medium and be friendly. If the other guy is a douchebag, basically crush his hand and stare at him unblinking while smiling. Hand strength being a pretty good indicator of your total physical ability. It’s kind of a variant on the iron hand in the velvet glove.

It’s overly Beta to get all twisted up about her two second hugging someone, it’s Alpha to confidently shake someone’s hand.

***

If Jennifer wants to hug someone she can. Doesn’t happen overly much though and her affection for people is quite genuine rather than sexually motivated. We actually had a long talk about this together tonight and debated the issue a little. I’m actually more of a hugger than she is I think, so the higher threshold one of the two of us is probably me. I think for the two of us, public hugs with the opposite sex are okay. Anything beyond a vanilla hug is crossing the line for both of us.

Jennifer:  It really does depend on so many things.  A two second “nice to see you, I really like you” hug is totally different than a 15 second, half-groping, rubbing your back and not letting go hug.  Also, if you are hugging every man you work with, that’s crossing a boundary.  If you are hugging a friend, or someone from church, that’s a more social situation and understandable.  It’s funny…hugging is apparently much less sexual to me than to other people…if I’m hugging a friend it’s not sexual to me since I’m not sexually interested in them…and hugging is different in intent and expression than groping.  If I’m hugging Athol, of course it’s different (nudge nudge wink wink). 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Cheating and Infidelity, How To Choose A Wife, Instigate Isolate and Escalate, Nice Guys and Betaization, Uncategorized

Positive and Productive

May 7, 2012 By 17 Comments

Following up on my last post, What To Do When You’re Torn Between Wife and Girlfriend, I noted some all purpose rage in the comments directed at both the man in the middle and the other woman. The short summary being “Dude that’s immoral that you’re cheating on your wife!” and “Home-wrecking bitch!”

Okay… breathe people… let me explain my approach, and why I take a typically underwhelming moral viewpoint on people who ask me for help. So let’s play a game and assume that you, yes you my dear reader, have a very sticky personal problem that you need help with. So you write to me asking for help…  you also write to Ingrid Von Banhammer over at Bridezilla of Christ Blog for help as well.

Over at Bridezilla, Ingrid makes short work of your sinful bastard / whorish ways and expresses utter shock at your disgusting perversion of morality. She clutches her pearls and wrings her hands at you, because you’re so upsetting. Won’t you think of the children?!

Now the purpose of other people expressing moral outrage, is to get you to change your behavior by evoking shame or guilt. When this happens, typically you experience one of two reactions. (1)  You fold up like a wet napkin and admit to your badness, or (2) you engage your Rationalization Hamster and deny you did anything wrong. If your reaction is (2), then you change nothing about your situation and never return to Ingrid Von Banhammer’s blog because obviously she’s a heartless bitch.

Except it would be incredibly rare that you would write to Ingrid seeking a smack down. It’s far more likely that you write to Ingrid admitting to your evil behavior as part of your question. “Hi Ingrid, I know now that I’ve been a totally sinful asshole and made a real mess of things in my marriage. How do I fix it from here though?”  After that point, Ingrid can offer her advice and it’s probably not going to be all that bad and sound a lot like something I would say minus the physical fitness and with a side order of prayer.

However when you write to me, I take a different approach.

My assumption is that when you write to me about a problem, you’re already unhappy about the situation and motivated to change it. Thus I don’t need to jump up on a soapbox and try and shame you into changing your behavior… because you’re already motivated to change your behavior. All shaming you does is make you defensive and thus less likely to change what you’re doing. The question is simply what do you need to do to to solve your problem and be happy?

Your problem dear reader, always stems from you doing something to try and make yourself happy, but it somehow makes you unhappy. You thought that doing X was a great idea and at first it was amazing, but now X seems to have these unexpected side effects and it’s not quite as fun anyone. Also while you were doing X, Y went to hell and now that’s all messed up too. So X and Y are now both problems and you’re even unhappier now than before you started doing X.

After that, I try and find a way to get you what will actually make you happy. Mostly that’s some combination of “Stop doing X, start paying attention to Y again. Once you have that fixed, suggest doing some Z.”  Then because it’s in your self-interest to do all that, there’s reasonable chance that you’ll go do it. I WON’T EVEN NEED TO PUT CAPS LOCK ON TO BE CONVINCING. Seriously, every time someone gives you advice using caps, it’s going to be more about them being angry than wanting to helping you. I’m an italics kind of guy. I use them to let you know that I’m explaining something is in your self-interest to fix.

It’s the same reason I don’t write posts about “The Beta Male Dumbass Of The Month”… it just drives the guys that need help away.  I’m trying to actually help the people that write to me. They open up their lives and share some of the nastiest most personal crap with me. Nowhere near all of it makes the blog and those that do are allowing it to be shared with you.

So dearly beloved commenters…

When someone asks for help on MMSL, you’re for lack of a better term, on their side. That doesn’t mean you need to agree with what they have done, just that you’re willing to entertain ways of improving their lot in life. Nor does it mean we all have to agree with each other, or even with me. Just that we all work from an intention to be positive and productive in assisting our reader.

I get that if you’re used to arguments for sexual ethics based on a pre-existing moral position, that my approach seems extremely counter-intuitive at best and sinfully depraved at worst. Just bear with me, with a little patience you might be surprised at how often I can explain that doing “the right thing” is the answer to the problems caused by doing “the wrong thing.” But if the comments drive the readers asking the questions away, they will likely continue doing “the wrong thing.”

Or put another way… if MMSL was a credit counseling blog, it would be really unhelpful if some comments just said the reader was just fucking stupid with their money.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, Humor and Everything Else

How To Get Over Resentment Toward Women

May 1, 2012 By 38 Comments

Chatting on teh Facebooks…

Alpha Dude:  I need some advice. I had a guy email me, been going through a divorce for two years (he says she’s managed to drag it out that long) and now he just feels resentment towards women and doesn’t know how to get over it (long and short of it).

Athol:  What was the cause of the divorce?

Alpha Dude:  Wife cheated and left and they have a kid.

Athol:  Why did she cheat?

Alpha Dude:  He doesn’t say. I’m guessing he AFC’d it up and made her vagina as dry as the mojave.   (AFC: Average Frustrated Chump)

Athol:  So the way forward is to stop shifting all the blame for the relationship failure onto her, accept that he made mistakes, and self-improve so he doesn’t repeat the same mistake with future women. Sometimes it’s just easier to hate women than accept you made any mistakes.

Alpha Dude:  Thank you.

Athol:  It’s a very common pattern that this happens btw. I’ve seen so many guys admit they ignored her fair warnings in the aftermath of affairs and divorce.

Alpha Dude: Yeah, I understand where he’s coming from with the bitterness and resentment.  Though I’ve never been divorced, I have been cheated on and left when I thought we had a good thing going.

Athol:  But in the aftermath could you see anything you could have done better?

Alpha Dude:  Oh yeah for sure well but like not in the aftermath afterwards.

Athol:  Oh yeah I mean not in the middle of it.

Alpha Dude:  As things were failing, as I was trying to put it all together – I was angry.  But after, looking back, yes.

Athol:  After it’s basically over and you’re moving on.

Alpha Dude:  Pre-game aftermath, no.  Post game, yes.

Athol:  It’s basically the final step to moving on.

Alpha Dude:  Right.

Athol:  The basic issue is inablity to forgive her, and understanding is the road to forgiveness. Once you can say “Oh I see why she did that now.”  You’re there. Most women aren’t random lunatics doing things for no reason. They just have different motivations than men. But they do rationally seek to meet those motivations.

Alpha Dude:  Imagine if game had never been stumbled on.

Athol:   Yeah Game is important. So many relationships could have been saved or happier for it.

Athol:  Which is not to say some women aren’t batshit crazy or evil.

Alpha Dude:  ^lol

Athol:  But then you shouldn’t have gotten involved in the first place.

…

Athol:  I can’t think of a post for today lol. I think this is it.

The only thing I’d add to that exchange is that it is completely normal to be deeply hurt and angry by getting screwed over in your relationship. Being cheated on sucks. Having your partner dump you sucks. I’m not making light of any of that. But at the end of the day, you still being twisted all out of shape over your ex doesn’t affect them… it affects you. And forgiving them doesn’t really affect them… but it does affect you. So ultimately forgiveness is something you do for you.

I’m not talking about you taking on all the blame for the relationship failure either. She could have always not cheated or not left you. I’m saying it’s finding your fair share of the failure and finding a way to move forward as best you can. If you want to be able to have a loving intimate sexual relationship with a woman at some point in the future, holding onto resentment and anger ensures that can’t happen.

Jennifer:  Even good marriages have bad moments where you really hurt each other. You have to move past those moments or it stops being fun to be together.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, How To Choose A Wife, Nice Guys and Betaization

Undesired Outcomes Happen When You Are Undesired

April 21, 2012 By 11 Comments

Susan Walsh apparently loved “Are Women Like Exotic Pets” and I have a reader complaint in the comments to a particular line I wrote…

“…I’ve told her quite firmly that she will do X Y and Z to attract me or she will face undesired outcomes.”

Reader: That sounds horrible.

Translation: You’re an asshole!

Athol:  Ahhh… yeah… guilty as charged.

Look I do get other women interested in me you know. If Jennifer consistently failed to attract me, there would eventually be undesired outcomes for her. I’ve been explicitly clear about what does and doesn’t attract me and it’s absolutely not a mystery to her what works to pull my attention. I’m so conscious of what attracts me and sexually pleases me I gave her a one page cheat sheet to use lol. Plus it’s not all that hard to do, she can pretty much make me respond to her like she’s an Orion Slave Girl if she wants to.

Anyway… this is no different than for my male readers who come here because they are faced with the undesired outcomes of wives that have no interest in having sex with them, are about to divorce them, or are in affairs. If you fail to attract your partner, you will always experience undesired outcomes.

If you’re undesired by your partner, you’re going to have some undesired outcomes whether you want it or not. That’s what undesired means.

As an aside, I tell her “firmly” because she responds positively to my dominance over her. I’m not yelling, just communicating like an Alpha when I’m explaining my sexual needs. I tried gently luring out her sexual desires for the first decade or our marriage and found it vastly more effective to simply give her firm direction over what to do because she’s so submissive. She likes it, so I do it.

Jennifer: I have my own X Y and Z that Athol needs to do to attract me, or he’ll have undesired outcomes too.  (For example, be a good and attentive father, be productive with whatever work he’s doing, take care of himself physically, communicate with me, don’t have an affair, etc.)  And when he says he’s told me “firmly”…I’d say it’s more “clearly”…I appreciate not having to guess what he wants and what he’s thinking.  No matter how long we’ve been married I can’t read his mind.  (Oh and by the way, the Orion Slave Girls were actually the ones in charge.)

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, Girl Game and Sexy Wives, Humor and Everything Else

Changing Direction Doesn’t Mean You’ve Arrived At Your Destination

April 11, 2012 By 21 Comments

Reader:  First let me preface by saying I bought your book, have read it twice, and have since felt a sort of liberation from the tyranny of going against basic instincts.  Congratulations on your success!

I’m hoping you might be able to help me toward my success, as well!  I have been married nearly two years (together for 5) to a wonderful woman.  She’s beautiful, smart, and generally quite nice to be around; however, our marriage in general is not quite where we both want it to be.

We went into a sort of crisis mode where she developed a crush on a guy at work (quite a bit older than she) and started to doubt her feelings for me.  I recognized it as a phase, at first, and then recognized it as a problem with me, in particular (despite her insistence to the contrary).  I found your blog, read your book, and initiated as much of the MAP as I could (going on 3-4 weeks now).  I was skinny and not overweight, but I pushed to become a more strapping version of myself.  By the way, if you don’t have space or cash, sandbags rock.

I also went through a phase where I would come home and do all the housework before she would get home from work every day, with very little response.  I see the lack of response and her so-called “phase” as me being too beta.  Once I took a more proactive approach to our marriage (changing style of dress, offering to go out instead of being asked, etc), we stabilized and started making efforts to ENJOY our time together, sexy or not.  She no longer has a crush on this older gentleman and no longer feels suffocated by our relationship.

In the meantime, I’m feeling ignored, like I put a lot of effort toward this and saw relatively little response.  For example, since I started working out I have been on some decent muscle.  I’m skinny but don’t appear to be a hard-gainer there.  She seems to notice some, but it’s not led to her melting in my hands so far as I can tell.  Game in general also seems to have no effect on her, since things like texting naughty messages like “I just realized the bottom of my tongue is much smoother than the top [thanks], and I’m going to try that on you later.”  It gets a “rofl” reply, which I read as a good sign, so I would just kind of act cocky.

When we get home?  Nothing.  If I try to initiate, she’s usually too tired, which I could buy as either an excuse for no sex or as a genuine concern.  She’s overweight and does not exercise much except at her job which is rather physically-demanding.  She does not seem to respond to game.  In fact, she is in general a rather dominant personality.  How do you suggest one goes about teasing out her inner submissive girl?  I know she enjoys sex, enjoys orgasms, and enjoys us.  I just wish I knew how to engender more attraction.

I think I also have a touch of lingering oneitis.  She gets backrubs and dinners and homemade popcorn while I get to sit there tortured with a hardon.  She’ll ask what I want to do, and I might say “I want to have sex.”  She responds with a groan unless it was already what she wanted.  We are quite touchy-feely with the hugs and short kisses (she shies away from ten-second kisses since saliva to her is somewhat repulsive) and the sitting together and holding, which makes me wonder if I am giving too much of myself for not enough toward my needs.  Do you think it would be a good strategy to withdraw somewhat from those things for a little while in order to tone down the beta somewhat?

I guess in the end she just seems like a slightly different girl than those described in the primer.  I can never quite put my finger on it how that is so, either.  Thanks for reading the ramble!  I hope to hear back from you soon!

Athol: Hiya, if she started fixating on another guy, there’s a pretty good chance her Sex Rank is higher than yours and the other guy is certainly higher than yours. You did a good thing by addressing her attraction quickly though. Many guys in the same situation go limp and just watch the relationship intensify rather than slap it down. Good job.

So anyway, if her Sex Rank is higher than yours, you’re still in Phase One of the MAP, maybe heading into Phase Two. As a rough guide, increasing your Sex Rank if you’re a male takes about a year per point. So right now it’s kind of like you just planted an acorn and a month later are wondering where the big oak tree is.

The good news is you’ve seen positive results. She lost interest in the other guy and is getting on better with you. So things are improving and you are on track for a full turn around. It’s just a slow process is all.

Some fine-tuning…

Oneitis – you still have this because she’s hotter than you. It tends to fade away in Phase Three as other women start presenting themselves to you more frequently.

Asking For Sex – Don’t just ask for sex, say you want to do a particular sex act. “Do you want to have sex?” or “I want sex.” is weaker than, “I want to lick your pussy and fuck you doggystyle.”

Backrubs – “Sure, just go in the bedroom, take all your clothes off and lay face down. I’ll be in in a minute to give you a backrub.” [grin]  Don’t give her one unless she complies lol.

She’s Overweight – She’s very likely to suddenly want to address that once you hit Phase Three. You won’t likely need to say anything about it.

Touchy-Feely – Don’t initiate more than than half of these little cuddle moments. She’ll come to you eventually.

 Muscles – this is just a time and effort thing. Keep at it. It’s not where you are in a month that matters, it’s where you are in a year that does.

Keep it up! You’re on the right path.

If you’re new, the intro to the MAP is here.

 

 

Filed Under: Body Agenda and Sex Rank, Cheating and Infidelity, The Male Action Plan (MAP)
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