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Merry Christmas (You’re Out of the Guild)

December 24, 2012 By 7 Comments

Firstly a warning. Many F-Bombs in the video. But if you think Cartman from South Park is funny, you’ll love this video.

Secondly… Francis doesn’t look Alpha, but at least he’s prepared to kick someone who totally deserves it out of the guild.

Third… this is what a victim puke looks like. All that pent up rage built and built and built and BOOM!

Fourth… seriously what the fuck is with people who don’t install Deadly Boss Mods?

So…

Got a “Tom” in your little guild? Always worth keeping an eye on the bank too.

 

And Merry Christmas…

 

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Focus and Flow

December 22, 2012 By 17 Comments

I’ve had one of those nights where I write and rewrite and rewrite and it all still sounds like whining and I toss everything.

Anyway…

The 2011 Primer is great, buy it. No really, it’s fabulous, just buy it. Will change your life.

But I had this idea where I was going to edit and revise the Primer annually. So far I’ve made three attempts at doing that for a 2012 edition. Each time I’ve ground to a halt for one reason or another. In no small part because I have loathed feeling like I was being “held back a year” and repeating a grade. Everything was a little better and more polished as I wrote, but in the end it all felt like I was simply moving stuff around inside the book.

Basically I didn’t really have a compelling reason to write the 2012 edition… which means there would be no compelling reason to buy it.

The whole of 2012 has felt like a energy-less dead zone for me. Which is ironic in that book sales went up, blog readership is up, the forum was started and is huge. Everything looks really good, but I’d not been enjoying much anymore. So I gave up thinking about the Primer revision.

Did the Army thing, played a lot of Warcraft and generally did nothing in particular for months. I’ve also had two potentially big opportunities that I’ve declined recently as well. The first was fairly easy to discard, interesting, but not that appealing. The second I really wanted to work and would have made some potentially quite decent money… but felt not quite right. I mean seriously, on paper, potentially lots of exposure and cash and fame and helping people. Nice people to work with too. Not a scam or anything objectively wrong about it. So I spent a long time thinking about it.

What stopped me was watching this video of Aryton Senna less than an hour before his death. The look on his face was how I felt inside and gave me the heebie-jeebies.

I don’t think I would have died. I just know something really bad was going to happen. So I declined. Since that moment, I’ve felt better and more energized. Probably not co-incidentally it synced with Jennifer and I getting back into really exercising again. We’ve felt more connected too I think.

Anyway, shortly after declining… I had an idea. One of those blinding “how did I not see that?” ideas where you just sit back and go… “ahhhhhhh” and realize you’ve been wrong about something really important even though you’ve had all the pieces the whole time. Right now it’s just a single sheet of paper with a total of eighteen words on it. There’s a grid and some arrows as well.

Anyway, no idea when it’s finished, but it’s done when it’s done. I have to start from scratch in many ways, and then throw a little fire engine red in there.

Jennifer: He stole my pen and scribbled that page out in front of me. It’s really good.

 

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Coffee and Croissant with Miss Communication

December 19, 2012 By 6 Comments

One of my favorite Star Trek scenes.

Picard and Beverley Crusher get captured and have devices attached to their brain stems by their captors. They eventually escape but there’s an interesting side effect in that the devices create a telepathic link between them. Most of the episode is devoted to the interplay between the two of them who already have a deep relationship  together, but are still miscommunicating because they like each other. They still have some strong defensive walls up to save face with others, despite being invested enough to meet for breakfast every morning. The private breakfast being an important part of their routine together and Beverley puts some effort into being creative with the food to please her Captain.

Riker is of course the actual First Officer of the Enterprise, but there’s no question that Beverley Crusher is the wife-like emotionally intimate “First Officer” to Picard.

(EDIT:  I’m fighting the YouTube.  Link to the video is here.)

There’s always the danger of miscommunication in marriage, leading to both of you being unhappy trying to please the other.

Just say what the hell you want. Stop being so damn polite.

Anyway…

What’s your coffee and croissant moment?

 

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer, Humor and Everything Else, Sexy Moves

Your Freedom Ends Where Your Fear Begins

December 16, 2012 By 4 Comments

Your freedom ends, where your fear begins.

We all have a tiny silver of a chance of dying in random violence. We have a much better chance of being killed by someone we’ve really pissed off that we have a long relationship with. Far more of us will die from cars, stairs and a cold that gets out of hand. Yet we get into cars, climb the stairs and go outside with wet hair in defiance of what mom said about it.

In our daily lives though, we do all sorts of things from fear. Fear of being alone. Fear of other people disapproving. Fear of pain. Fear of hunger. Fear of change. Fear of the unknown. Fear of loss. Fear of being fired. Fear of having no money. Fear of never seeing someone again. Fear of success even. Fear of him or her saying no.

Life is too short to live a life of fear. Take reasonable precautions, manage the risks but face your fears and do it anyway. Otherwise, you’re your own jailer.

If you weren’t frightened. What would you do?

 

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else, Nice Guys and Betaization

Jennifer is Still Alive

December 11, 2012 By 2 Comments

Reader:  Athol, I read your post about your wife and the breast cancer scare. Scary stuff huh.

Some years ago I became familiar with a book “Dressed to Kill,” in which the author shared a concern that there might be a link between underwire bras and breast cancer. It wasn’t a scientific book and the author didn’t claim that kind of clout, but she seemed sincere. In the years since then I did meet a woman who mentioned she quit wearing underwires and noticed a decrease in monthly pain and lumps. I don’t know if that means lower chance of breast cancer, but it seems like it at least couldn’t hurt. I don’t know if it’s been proven or not, but if such a simple thing could improve your situation that would be great, and a low-risk private thing to try.

PS- How do you pronounce “Athol”?

Athol:  I believe there is a link between underwire bras, but not sure how strong it is. But yeah… Jennifer can have whatever bra she wants. I actually get a little short-tempered at her about timely replacement. The boobies get nestled in the lap of luxury… assuming it’s on sale of course.

Not so much a breast cancer scare as needing to repeat a mammogram. Jennifer is fine. Just a six month follow up mammogram to keep watch. I get twitchy because the first time around was just an awful clusterfuck of misdiagnosis, shitty patient care and she took nearly three years before one breast was feeling up for sexual playtime fun.

And thank you to everyone that has emailed, messaged and so to us about it. Much appreciated.

It’s pronounced   “ath” with a soft “a”… then “ill”.

 

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

Oh No, Not Again

December 4, 2012 By 22 Comments

Jennifer had a mammogram a week ago. Having been through two false alarm / benign biopsy experiences, I really don’t react with back-flips of joy when she has to have a mammogram. Asked if she wanted me to come, said she’s be fine, nothing I would be able to really do/see anyway. It’s just a mammogram.

So I timed my gym for the day with her mammogram and just pedalled particularly fast. When I was done, she was done. The Tech said it all looked fine but would be seen by a Radiologist for follow up. Great, that’s over, and we went out for lunch.

Except the Radiologist didn’t like the look of something, and she went back today for another mammogram.

This time I went. There was nothing I really got to do or see other than sitting in the waiting room. I read a book for fifteen minutes and she was back out again. Once again the Tech said it all just looks like the same calcification’s they’ve seen before, nothing to worry about. Obviously all gets to be seen by a Radiologist and follow up blah blah blah.

Great, that’s over, and we went out for lunch.

Look I know… second worse case scenario if it’s really bad they will catch something early and I think Jennifer would just say, let’s just be done with it and go the double mastectomy and reconstruction route. Lots of pain and recovery, but 6-12 months later life would be back to normal with a justifiable boob job added to the mix.

Really worst case scenario there’s a horrible slow death from cancer. I’d stay with her to the end and get through it and be strong and all that. I know I would. Being an attention whore I’d write about it and eventually find someone new. I’d be okay.

I think it was ten years ago we had the first breast cancer stare… as in idiots mailed the mammogram report to our house that said MALIGNANT. Jennifer was a bawling wreck for nights on end and I was a mess too, I just was full on coping with her being a wreck that I couldn’t really do anything. I was simply terrified she was going to die and leave me all alone with two little girls.

Anyway, we’ve grown. If it’s malignant, we just move forward and face what comes. I think Jennifer almost thinks of that first wrong diagnosis as a semi-near death experience… after that, in terms of health she’ll cope with whatever. For myself, no matter the outcome I’ll be okay. Either she’ll be totally fine, I’ll end up with a wife with a justifiable boob job, or I’ll find someone new.

So I’ll be fine.

Fine.

Just fine.

Totally fine.

Fuck.

“Oh no, not again” reference… (Geeks only!)

EDIT:  Same benign things they’re seen before. Repeat mammogram in six months.

Filed Under: How To Choose A Wife, Humor and Everything Else

Girl Thinking About Having Coffee With Plate Spinning Ex-Boyfriend

November 29, 2012 By 44 Comments

Plate Spinning = The practice of a single guy keeping multiple women in a soft harem arrangement. Initial effort to get each woman up to speed and spinning on the end of his… er… stick… and then consistent occasional effort split between them all to keep them all up in the air for him.

Anyway…

From the forum… behold the hamster wheel doing this…

Sparrow:  Yesterday was…a trip. This is a bit disjointed; I’m in an emotional tailspin and just bought a bag of cookies. I could use some advice. Even if the advice is: Sparrow, you’re an idiot. And, wait, you acted like that? And, what is your SR again? Just, please, if you do think I’m being that silly, please tell me why I’m being an idiot and not just “yep. Silly birdie.”

Some background: I once dated what is commonly referred to as an asshole alpha. I (unknowingly) shit tested him into beta. I kept breaking up with him and we got back together three times in three years. To this day, I’m not sure if he’s emotionally abusive or has some kind of Cluster B issue. I think it’s a strong possibility, but I also know that, especially towards the end, I was being a bitch. After last breakup, I spent a fair amount of time apologizing because I figured out I was a bitch. Including once, memorably, on my knees. Yes, I did the whole submissive posturing thing. Apology accepted. Then I went abroad for a year (and got more religious over the period of time). Thought I was done with the cycle. During that time, my former best friend carried on an fwb situation with the fellow at the same time he was e-mailing me asking to make up.

I know I handled a lot of it badly. We started dating when I was 19. This was the second guy I ever kissed. Aside from all the emotional stuff that went on, the physical stuff (sort of sex?) was…Really Good. Ok, so I pretty much went from 0 to 500 in this relationship, and have no real basis of comparison, but as far as I can tell, sex type stuff was really good for both of us. Emotionally: good to ok to godawful. Chemistry: through the roof.

Eventually, sort of made up with the friend. She asked me to be a bridesmaid at her June wedding (she’s engaged to a different guy). *sigh* I said yes. Except, she also wants my ex boyfriend in her wedding party. The guy is a starving musician trying to make it big and currently has a harem of six, not counting the ONS. She asked me to play nice. So, Monday, we were all in the same place at the same time. I’m so much on edge that I can barely think straight, but I did my best to be friendly. Boy tries to give me (and assorted other female types) a hug before he goes; I take a step back. Boy asked if he could call me to get a cup of coffee next time he’s in town.  I said: ok.

I called later that night because I wanted to understand what his intentions were. After some phone tag, he said he missed having me as a friend in his life and would call about the coffee next time he were in town. Except…we never did well as friends. That’s one reason why we kept getting back together.

So I’m confused. Is he actually serious about the coffee? I’m a bit skeptical about the friend bit, but he’s also incurably honest. Is he trying to gloat? Be friends? Add me to the harem? Get back together? And how much are regular awesomely good sexytimes worth? I don’t know if you want to label this as, “idiot hamster can’t step away from alpha,” or “ex-stupidity,” or, “bad relationship cycles,” or “what’s the worst that could happen?,” or “men and women can’t be friends” or “Sparrow thinks about sex too much” or “get out and date other guys” or what. I’d just like to know what you guys think is going on. Help?

Athol:  Oh coffee…. why are you so delicious?

It sounds like you have a lot of attraction for him, but it never sounds like it was a good relationship with him. You can’t be his friend, because you’re attracted to him and he isn’t remotely interested in just being your friend, so it’s always going to escalate in the direction of the bedroom. You may have tested him into Beta at the end of your last try with him, but if he’s spinning six plates these days, I doubt he’s going to revert to that for you. So your relationship options are (1) A 4th round of a really bad relationship, or (2) don’t have a relationship with him.

Anyway, I’d write more, but I’ve had this song waiting in the wings for the correct post for THREE YEARS.

Oh and @ your girlfriend… having the prior (?) fuck buddy in the wedding party. Stay classy girlfriend.

Filed Under: Cheating and Infidelity, How To Choose A Wife, Humor and Everything Else

Empathy and Helping Others: Capacitor vs. Conduit

November 27, 2012 By 13 Comments

Comment on yesterday’s post, You Can’t Fix Their Problem.

J:  Very true, Athol.  The Strengthsfinder test shows Empathy as a strength.  To me it feels more like a weakness, because I feel other people’s emotions as if they were my own.  I’m 37 and still trying to figure out how to put my empathy into action without hurting myself.

Athol:  Undeveloped empathy is a pain in the ass and a classic trait of Nice Guys fast tracking the Betaization approach to a sexless marriage. And trust me… I get it. Someone else hurts and you feeeeeeeel it inside you. You just feeeeeel you have to do something and help them. Or you will feeeeeel awful. There is a solution though.

 You have to learn the difference between being a capacitor and a conduit or empathy will drain you into a lifeless, negative, depressed person very quickly. I don’t often talk about personal energy as I think it might be a side tracking concept for many people, though it’s definitely a vital “under the hood” reason of why the MMSL approach works. In this case though it’s the direct issue at hand so gotta talk about it.

In short, everyone has some sort of energy level ranging from high to low. People with higher levels of personal energy are more attractive than people with lower energy. Half the point of advising physical exercise when running the MAP is simply to raise the energy levels of the person. You end up looking and feeling happier and more attractive. Both the looking and the feeling are positive attractors.

We all know some down in the dumps person who never does anything but complain and we all like to route ourselves around dealing with them if possible. Likewise we all know some bright, perky, active and happy person who is active and engaged with the world that we like to seek out. Unless of course we’re the depressed grumpy person… because who can stand happy people when you’re unhappy. People of like energy levels tend to seek each other out. Half the point of the MAP is to raise your energy level so that your spouse raises theirs.

Incidentially, that raised energy level for people running the MAP often pays off in unexpected ways. People running the MAP to fix their marriage often report that things have gotten better at work, with their kids, the house is cleaner, they finally finished some other stalled project and so on. Fixing any problem in your life also helps fix every other problem in your life in a minor way too.

Anyway…

Personal Energy = your time, effort, money and mood.

A capacitor is something that can gain a positive charge and then release it… but once the energy is released, it’s delepeted of energy and needs a new source of charging. A conduit is simply a waypoint for an external energy source to flow from one point to the other.

When you feel emotionally moved by someone else’s problem and seek to solve it, if you act like a capacitor, you are using up your personal energy to create and maintain a solution. Basically energy moves from you to them. It’s a one way trip and while they can be better off for it, you end up being drained. Plus, because you are the source of their solution, they will return to you for yet more of your energy. Helping people can create unintentional dependency as you become part of their energy system.

When you try and solve a problem as a conduit, your job is simply to make yourself available as a tool for them to solve their own problem, using their own energy. You’re providing knowledge, advice, insight… basically providing a connection. You’re there to help remove blockages from their energy system. Sometimes you do use your own energy to jump start another system, but that’s to get it running under its own power again, rather than you continuing to power it.

So if you are particularly empathic, the solution isn’t to withdraw from the feelings of other people’s problems. The solution is actually to widen your scope and find out everything about the person and the problem at hand. Try and see the big picture of what empowers them as individuals and as a couple. What the true deep needs are. Find out the history of the relationship… what things were like when it was good… what was happening when things went wrong. If you can see the relationship/problem as an entire energy system, very often the blockage point is easy to find. Sometimes there’s more than one. This is why I ask for information on the entire relationship history, all the medical issues and medications, the emotional shock points, is there someone outside the relationship siphoning energy off the primary relationship? Then you’re looking to reconnect the relationship over that broken area, rather than you trying to resupply power to the entire thing from the outside.

So widen your scope. Open yourself further to your empathy and experience the total landscape of emotions and actions in others. Once you identify the problem area… let the other person solve the problem. By solving their problem for them, it makes you tired and them dependant on you.

And to be quite blunt, some people are just energy vampires. Just keep demanding they solve their problem… sometimes they will, but mostly they just start leaving you alone. Either way, you win.

Oh and hey…

May the Really Really Weak Force be with you.

 

Filed Under: Alpha and Beta Male Traits, Humor and Everything Else, Nice Guys and Betaization, The Male Action Plan (MAP)

Eighteen Years and Loyalty

November 25, 2012 By 11 Comments

Jennifer and I got married the Saturday after Thanksgiving, so the two events have always been linked in my mind.

Eighteen years is a long time together… plus three and a bit more years of knowing her before getting married. It’s hard to remember what life was like before Jennifer came along wearing a blue and white plaid dress, that smile and those eyes.

Writing about having a better marriage in your real name requires a great deal of faith in your partner. At any point she likes, Jennifer can nuke me and MMSL into the ground.  The fallout, both emotional and financially, from her leaving me or cheating would be truly epic. The honest truth though is that I didn’t really think about that aspect of things over much because I have such faith in her loyalty and desire to do the right thing.

Looking back, I think the last few years have been the most interesting and valuable. I’ve learned more about myself, Jennifer and life in general these last three years than everything that happened before I started writing MMSL. I think we’re far more conscious of each other as a couple and appreciative of each other. We’ve grown a lot. This year we named “The Year of Transition” as I switched roles from nurse to writer. 2011 was “The Year of Survival”, dad passed away, we were broke and we pulled through. We didn’t name 2010, though looking back, “The Year of Starting” would have been good.

This next year is “The Year of Body Building”. We’ve both finally seemed to sync up with interest and motivation with exercise and are loving our gym time. Plus it also means me creating a body of work. I’ve transitioned enough and I really really have to start producing more books and bits and pieces. It’s with a degree of awkward awareness that I’ve realized my MMSL income equals what my nursing income was. Like I can only earn X dollars and no more. There’s some sort of mental barrier there I need to punch through. Plus as anyone who has written a book knows… it’s much nicer to think about writing a book than to actually write one. In fact it’s probably nicer to think about writing a book than to have actually written one.

Anyway… something I wrote a long time ago. I’m not exactly sure when I wrote it, I think 2004-5, but I printed it off nice and framed it. I don’t write much poetry and I know I had zero concept of MMSL in my head at the time.

********

I am thankful for the gift of writing.

The gift is to enrich myself and my family,

by awakening miracles in the lives of others.

The talent is the call.

With acceptance and openness,

the right words cannot help but come.

Not the trumpet of ego,

not the strain of intelligence,

but the documentation of my heart,

connected to the source.

When I perform my proper action,

support and opportunity are created around me.

Like a bird on a thermal.

The flow is peace and freedom.

Neither work or play,

writing is my act of faith,

reaping joy, wealth, love and healing.

*******

Yes I know there’s a paradox. On one hand I have no use for God or magical thinking, on the other hand everything seems to have driven me to this point with a purpose and I use words like “faith” and “source”. Just roll with it, I do. It’s a whole other topic.

So this Thanksgiving / Wedding Anniversary, I am thankful for three things. For Jennifer, for the gift of writing and for having a fanbase. I’m also deeply thankful that I have an audience. That people write to me and ask questions. That people let me know how much of a difference Jennifer and I have made in their lives. Truly.

Anyway… as per MMSL wedding anniversary tradition… Dave Dobbyn sings “Loyal”. This time in the basement with the Finn brothers (a.k.a “Crowded House”)  Usually I frame it as a tribute to Jennifer, which it is, but I’m also more aware this Thanksgiving that I need to be loyal too and not stop doing what got me here.

Filed Under: Humor and Everything Else

The Green Peppers and Sausage Incident

November 20, 2012 By 37 Comments

(TL:DR  Yes Jennifer is a magical unicorn, but unicorn’s have a long horn and occasionally it gets inserted up my ass and I’d like to break the damn horn off and shove it up her ass.)

I’ve tried to write this post about six or seven times now, but it always comes out being too angry and too blaming of Jennifer, so I’ve trashed it every time I’ve tried to write it. Anyway, some important bits of information before I begin.

(1)  My least favorite house related task is raking leaves.

(2)  My least favorite meat is sausages. I believe I have eaten my quota of these growing up, I do not wish to eat any more of them.

(3)  My least favorite vegetable is green peppers. I hate them. They taste bad and give me heartburn.

So… anyway…

In August 2010 we fly to New Zealand because dad has crossed the threshold from “really unwell” fighting his cancer, to “the doctors finally let slip that he’s totally going to die”. So we winged our way to go see him before the end. Our last conversation together was how if he didn’t in fact die after all the travel and expense, that it would be socially awkward next time we saw each other.

About a month or two later mum Skypes us and turns the camera on dad for a bit. He looks at the screen and says “hello” with a tone of expectant but polite confusion. My father is a very bright man… and that’s all gone. I can’t react to that though. I don’t really know how.

The Friday before Thanksgiving in 2010, I’m at work and my cellphone rings. The incoming number being a long line of numbers scrolling across the screen leading off with the 0064 meaning a call from New Zealand. Thus I know dad is dead before I even answer it. It’s mum, dad had a really rapid decline at the end and it’s over and both sad and a relief.

My work day is planned to be over in about five hours, but I know I’m not going to be coming back at the start of next week, and then it’s Thanksgiving. I’m somewhat sole charge of my area and effectively just got handed a nine day vacation. I stay at work for about another seven hours tidying it all up and prepping for me being away. I can’t remember when I called Jennifer, but I do remember holding off on telling everyone around me and my boss until later in the day. Just didn’t want to deal with people trying to “support” me, when I just needed everyone to say out of my way so I could crunch out a whole bunch of work and then not come back for a week and a half.

Now because Jennifer and I are so much in step with each other, having a mild form of telepathy after then 16 years of marriage, when we miscommunicate it’s like a tire blowing out on a NASCAR Sprint Cup car at 200mph. It’s bad. Really really bad. The corner goes left and the car goes right. The wall comes up at you so fast and you hit it so hard. After that you’re just a passenger on a badly maintained rollercoaster.

At some point on the Friday, I told Jennifer that I would be okay by myself. What I meant was, on the Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday before Thanksgiving, I would be okay staying home by myself. We had the weekend together and then Thanksgiving was coming and after that was our wedding anniversary too. So plenty of family time and stuff around me. I would be okay. Not like dad’s passing was a surprise out of the blue, it was just here finally.

Unfortunately what Jennifer understood was that I’d like to be… by myself. So she very dutifully gave me a lot of personal space all weekend, including shepherding the girls to friends places and she had work events on the Sunday she kept as well. This I experienced as being totally abandoned by my family.

I can’t remember much of the Friday night, or the Saturday… but I do remember that by Sunday afternoon… raking fucking leaves all by myself… that I stopped feeling upset about dad and started feeling upset squarely at Jennifer. Plus I seriously hate raking leaves. Hate it , hate it, hate it… and as the sun went down, I raked leaves into the darkness.

I can’t imagine I was pleasant to look upon when Jennifer got home with the kids, because I think she scampered fairly quickly into the kitchen to cook dinner. She knows by this point I am really off balance and is simply trying to recover the situation. Immediately cooking something is a great idea. What’s not so great however is what she cooks…

…sausages.

Whatever.

I bite into one.

There’s actually little pieces of green pepper inside the mother fucking sausage.

I do remember being sorely tempted to simply bat the entire plate across the room, but resisted it in favor of coolly getting my car keys and driving to the nearest McDonalds. I purposely left my phone at home to punish Jennifer. I know she’s going to be freaking out and don’t want to let her off the hook. Anyway I eat and about a hour later I go home and we don’t even have an argument because that would require communication skills on my part.

I’m just mentally cycling through all the times I was there for her… pregnancies, miscarriages, bad mammograms, surgery, another bad mammogram, another biopsy, the death of her grandfather… and now it was finally my turn getting something nasty happening… and Jennifer was a no show. So decided in that moment to divorce her. If you cannot act like my family, you cannot be my family. I couldn’t actually tell her though, because after I decided that I completely, totally and utterly lost it. I met the wall at 200mph.

I remember feeling at the time completely disconnected from my body, just a passenger as my body convulsed in the most appalling crying I could ever imagine. It was more like throwing up than anything else I can describe it as. Just so far beyond anything I thought myself capable of. I don’t remember really anything else of that night. Just an emotional cartwheeling that never seemed to stop.

The Monday morning I’m still hazy on too. I think Jennifer went to work for like 30 minutes to do something vital and then was back home again in full panic mode. Meanwhile the first twinges of intellect started returning to me as I simply didn’t understand why Jennifer was acting as she was acting. It all simply didn’t make any sense. Why would she ignore me all weekend? That’s not like her at all. I’ve never seen Jennifer screw someone over… why would she do that to me of all people?

There were still more leaves to rake and haul to the curb. I forget how, but somehow in that process of trying to figure out why she avoided me, her coming back home from work and immediately helping… and looking like she had accidentally run over a box of kittens… somehow it all started to come out. She had been trying to do the right thing all weekend… it was just the wrong thing. By the time she figured that all out, it was too late as I’d already flipped out on her.

We made up and went out for lunch together. Later that evening Jennifer and the girls gave me/us all a big long group hug. That’s all I really wanted and needed.

I’d love to say everything was peachy right after that, but it wasn’t. This one really hurt. It really hurt both of us too. Jennifer put sausages and green peppers on the banned substances list, then forgot her own rule a month later and burst into tears cooking dinner with green peppers. It took a while to work through and stop smarting, plus dad’s passing was much harder on both of us than either one of us suspected it would be.

This time last year everything kind of bubbled up again. I was kinda mentally off as I was raking leaves but Jennifer was around, so didn’t really get bad bad. I tried writing about all this last year and basically devolved into framing Jennifer as a cunt, so tossed it. This year, I’ve raked up most of the leaves myself and haven’t felt that cycling down into darkness. Had a little sad moment writing about dad during the post, but that’s it. I haven’t had a random tear up about losing him for a long time now.

Anyway…I know I’m meant to have some kind of wondrous point to all this, so here goes. Jennifer and I have a really good marriage, but no one is perfect. Of all the people in the world, I think we can hurt each other the most. Almost always it’s been accidental though, one of us hurt, the other horrified at what happened. It’s also not like I’ve been brooding about this for two years, it’s only when I’ve tried to write about it that I get sucked back into the emotion of the moment. If there’s a bright side to all this, Jennifer and I have such a strong relationship, that it survived this colossal wreck of miscommunication.

Jennifer: And we’ve also been reminded that we cannot, in fact, always read each other’s minds, so it’s important to have that “Did you mean…” or “Did you really want…” conversation just to be sure.

Athol: You just figure out what the problem was and correct it. You slowly build the Relationship of Tomorrow.

Filed Under: Captain and First Officer, How To Choose A Wife, Humor and Everything Else
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