Boo the Villians, Cheer the Heroes

Most women have a need to verbally decompress their day. Which is a fancy way of saying they need to talk when they come from work, or you come home from work when they’ve been home all day. Women tend to be more emotionally fluid than men, and it can often seem to the guy like he’s been dropped into a verbal puking of half a dozen emotions and disconnected storylines. This is just her  clearing her daily event cache.

There are two mistakes a guy can make here.

The first potential mistake is to simply tune her out and ignore her. It’s low effort, but the cost is that more and more she simply feels like you don’t care about her. Also there’s the obvious risk of along with tuning out the clearing of the cache, you are missing more important communications. This is why you never should make grunting noises of agreement without being consciously aware of what you’re grunting agreement to. Unless you want to risk being forty-five minutes drive away from “the thing” when the thing starts in ten minutes and she’s holding seats for you both.

“Got great seats! See you soon!”

Shit. Soon for what?

The second potential error is too listen too hard, and start engaging your powers of problem solving when she doesn’t actually want to have a problem solved. She’s just clearing her cache and reconnecting with you. If you start trying to problem solve when she isn’t actually looking for it, it tends to both be interpreted as you “not listening” and as somewhat demeaning in that you’re acting like she can’t solve her own problems. It’s frustrating to her because you’re stopping the problem solving she was doing, which was simply clearing her head and feeling connected to you.

The actual solution is to do what I call “Booing the Villians and Cheering the Heroes”. Which is to say you treat it something like watching a TV show with a bag of popcorn, and simply enjoy the show. When good things happen you say “woo-hoo”, when bad things happen you say “that sucks”. Her friend does something good in her story, say “she’s awesome”, and when some bitch does her bitch thing, say “that bitch”.

That’s it. Seriously, that’s about all you have to do. Boo the villians, cheer the heroes.

Caveats…

You don’t have to sit through endless reruns of the same show. If you start hearing the same sad story of her failing or losing or whatever negative again and again, call attention to it as her making some variety of a Display of Low Value.  Then ask if she needs help troubleshooting the issue. You don’t necessarily have to run out and assist with the application of the solution either. If it’s her workplace drama for example, there’s usually zero you can do to help anyway.

Also a very high risk option is to tell her to “stop bothering me with all this and take it to your girlfriends instead”. They don’t always end up talking to their girlfriends… it’s a situation tailor made for a Beta Orbiter to get a leg up on her attention. As soon as she says you told her to get lost unless she wants cock, it’s almost impossible for another guy to screw up the stock-in-trade husband/boyfriend destroying tactical responses. Unless of course her talking to another guy, with him saying you sounded abusive was your intention. In which case, carry on.

And ladies… same thing applies to listening to talk about sports.

His team was sporting very hard, and they sported sportingly. Go sports team of his preference. Go!

 

Valentine’s Day and the Gift of an Alpha Experience

@Dewy:  Here’s my dilemma: Earlier today, my girlfriend announced by text that since I am not there on Valentine’s Day this year we should celebrate it this early, this weekend. And she’s expecting a present. Apparently her therapist suggested that we need to be more romantic, and as we don’t normally do much for Valentine’s, we should make a big thing of it this year.

At first the exchange started off pretty lighthearted. She dropped hints about silver or chocolate presents. I dropped hints about more intimate “gifts” instead. She fought a bit for the cause of materialism, and I jokingly pointed out how unmaterialistic I am (and made more sex jokes). But she kept on about presents and eventually suggested that I was making her “feel judged for suggesting we try something fun and different”. (I guess I don’t like being told I’m expected to by expensive presents for someone, or else…).

What do I get her? She just texted me to say she is “buying the components of my present now”. I need to do something in response, however minor, but there are two problems. (1) I have virtually no free time in the next 24hrs to get her anything, and (2) I’m annoyed how she is putting me in this situation of demanding something at the last minute.

Is this sort of a fitness test? If so, is it a shit test or a loyalty test?

Athol: Okay, let’s do the Fitness Test vs. Loyalty Test thing first. Fitness Test meaning she’s looking for some sort of Alpha attraction building response, and Loyalty Test meaning she’s looking for some sort of Beta relationship comfort building one.

This one is pretty ugly because it’s actually a Fitness Test AND a Loyalty Test presented in a Double Bind. Meaning you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

If you act like it’s a Fitness Test and somehow bump back on it and don’t get her something, then it will very likely be announced that you’re failing a Loyalty Test and your lack of gift signifies that you don’t care about her. That claim will be backed up by the authority of the therapist having recommended in. No gift = bad.

If you act like it’s a Loyalty Test and just immediately run out to the fancy gift store like a dog chasing a thrown tennis ball… she’ll eat some of the chocolates, then as her blood sugar dips she’ll find a way to express her quiet disappointment you’re so biddable. Probably by complaining all this chocolate is going to make her fat and you’ll sabotaging her. Gift = bad.

So…. what to do…

Well, (I’m armed with a little extra information from another forum thread,) I suspect a part of the reason she’s depressed / in therapy / on SSRI’s is because she’s in the situation where she’s struggling to find ways to hamster herself into staying with a guy that’s currently low Alpha and high Beta.

My suggestion is to give a gift of something that equates to an Alpha / high dopamine / high stimulation experience for the two of you. i.e. Ride rollercoasters somewhere, parachute jumping, date night out somewhere unusually good, ziplining, waterparks, a seriously extreme bouncy castle with no regard for safety.

There is a gift, so it meets the Loyalty Test side of the Double Bind.  But it turns the Fitness Test around on her and turns the acceptance of the gift into a Compliance Test that she has to pass. She has to step up and do the high stimulation experience, otherwise she’s chicken and/or bitchy for not accepting the gift. Double Bind that back at you baby. Which sounds a little manipulative but all you’re really doing is running your MAP in a way that dovetails with Valentine’s Day. Just add an Alpha experience and give her what she actually needs from you, rather than what her therapist thinks she wants.

@Dewy: Has anyone ever told you that you are a genius?! Most of those activities are a bit out of my budget, but I started rock climbing 3 months ago as part of my MAP and she mentioned she would like to try it. Plus it will be a good opportunity to Display High Value with my mean climbing skills…

Athol: So dear reader…

What’s your plan for Valentine’s Day?

 

Quality Time = Shared Tasks

This one is pretty simple, but it’s amazingly effective for working with a spouse that has a Quality Time love language.

99% of the time men assume that their Quality Time loving wife, wants to just sit around together watching TV. Or go on a date and gaze into one another’s eyes. Or something else completely boring as hell to the male psyche.

Her:  “Let’s have a picnic!”

Him:  *fakes having a seizure*

So…

The solution is in fact stunningly simple and easy. Stop trying to spend Quality Time together, and start Sharing Tasks.

There’s plenty of basic everyday tasks that have more than enough space to share the load together. The most obvious one is the whole cooking dinner –> eating dinner –> cleaning up routine. While you’re both in the kitchen together, there’s plenty of time to Suffer Through Vacuous Crap  (1) Talk About Your Day, (2) Help Out Around The House, (3) Spend Quality Time Together, (4) be Cocky and Funny and (5) avoid a charge of sexual harassment through sheer hotness.

Seriously, that’s all it is. Quality Time = Shared Tasks.

Make the kids lunches together in the morning. Split the Saturday morning cleaning together. Go grocery shopping together. Anything works if that’s her love language.

I also guess you have to act like actually sharing the task isn’t some onerous burden of misery that must be suffered through. Act like you like who you’re working with.

I mean think of all the emotional and physical affairs that start off because people were working together.

Jennifer: Yes! Exactly! People are busy…don’t stress about scheduling Quality Time, just find it where the opportunities already exist.  My favorite is the occasional grocery shopping trip together, which sometimes includes a stop at Panera for a bagel and coffee before we shop.  Task completed + hanging out together = Happy Jen.

Athol: Oh yeah. There’s another type of Quality Time error I see. That’s the one where she seeks you out to offer her assistance, but you’re so amazingly awesome at the task you tell her you don’t need her help. Which naturally she internalizes into you not needing… her.

 

 

The Red Yellow Green Sexual Communication Tool

This is going to be an important post for a lot of couples.

There’s a ton of advice about whether you should or shouldn’t be having sex on any given night. There’s the default yes, fake it until you make it, no means no, push through her resistance, always be closing, don’t push against her shields once they are up, pound her hard and if nothing works be outcome independent.

Got all that?

What I’ve realized is that some of that confusion is coming from me, in that Jennifer and I from the get go were lucky enough to have mutually aligned assumptions about sexual communication. I’ve just assumed that everybody else communicated the same way. So what this post is going to do is reverse engineer what Jennifer and I actually do in terms of a decision matrix about what we do on any given night. Not that every night we have sex, but that every night we make a conscious decision about having it or not. We don’t wait to be “in the mood” to communicate about sex. The goal here is to give you some kind of shared language and avoid misunderstandings and lost opportunities for sex.

For the most part, this is aimed at “MMSL couples” looking to build a better sex life. The assumption is that both of them want to work together to have a better sex life and connection. They may not feel ultra turned on by each other, but it’s enough to want to work on things. It also assumes no medical issues et al interfering with baseline desire.

Also Jennifer is the lower desire partner and I’m the higher desire partner. So most of the time Jennifer is the one making a color choice and I’m more typically the one making an initiation attempt.

Green = This means Jennifer is very sexually interested tonight. Basically anything is up for grabs and I can push for an “above average” night of sex. This is the night of something more rough and dominant from me. Basically the harder I push / desire / want her, the better her response. Green = Just fuck me. Go Alpha.

Yellow = This means Jennifer is neither particularly turned on, nor resistant to sex tonight. This can go one of two ways usually, (1) a longer foreplay toward warming her up and ultimately her coming to orgasm and enjoying it for herself, or (2) her not wanting that but being willing to give me something like a handjob, blowjob, or the quickee intercourse option. This is from me a softer initiation push than a Green night. On a Green night I’m pushing her toward her maximum sexual response. On a Yellow night, I’m initiating for the purpose to get sex and have a mutually pleasant sexual experience together. Yellow = Warm Jennifer Up / Something for Athol. Go Alpha/Beta.

Red = Jennifer does not want anything sexual tonight. I don’t push her at all about this. Not a damn thing. I usually offer some sort of care bear routine for her as well, usually her Red nights she’s sick or genuinely tired. Red = No means no. Go Beta.

Whether it’s a Red, Yellow or Green night, I don’t get upset and complain about it to her. I remain outcome independent about it.

For the most part, my initiation attempts are simply to discover whether or not it’s a Red, Yellow or Green night. Once I know what kind of night it is, I tailor my approach to that.

But until I make a move, I might not know it’s a Green night, because she might not tell me.

Relationship Momentum

In terms of the overall relationship momentum, imagine a 1-100 scale with 100 being the best possible and 1 being the worst possible.

In the 71-100 range, you’ll probably get a mix of Greens and Yellows and a  handful of Reds.

In the 31-70 range, you’ll mostly get Yellow, but also a variety of Greens and Reds.

In the 1-30 range, you’ll mostly get Red, with some Yellow thrown in. Maybe a Green if you’re getting ovulation sex.

Gaining Points

Every night you make the correct call, i.e. she wants Green and you act Green, you get a +1 to your relationship. Same thing on Yellow nights, she wasn’t wildly into it, but you still had a good experience together, you get a +1. On Red nights, you don’t force the issue at all, you get a +1.

Losing Points

Every night you make the wrong call, you get a -1 to your relationship. She wanted “Just fuck me” Green, and you were too soft on approach (Yellow) or ignored her (Red). She wanted something sedate or just for you Yellow and you tried to get her to have pornstar sex (Green) or didn’t make any move on her (Red). She didn’t want anything at all on a Red night and you tried to get a Green or Yellow response.

Adaptive Strategy

What happens with a lot of struggling couples, is that they get advice to “Always Green!”, or “Always Yellow!” or “Ignore Red, just push yourself through it and act Green.” The result of that is some nights get a +1 and some nights get a -1 and they all balance each other out. Thus over the long term, the relationship doesn’t get any better. If your relationship momentum score is a 30 and you go +1 -1 +1 -1 +1 -1 +1 -1 +1 -1…. you’re still going to be stuck at 30 even though you’re both working hard on your relationship.

You have to have an adaptive strategy to heal a fragile relationship.

You cannot force a sexual response from someone who doesn’t want to give one, without risking seriously negative effects to your relationship. So when the relationship is down in the dumps below 30, that may well mean a whole lot of not having sex at first.

If she’s not interested in sex with you (Red), you must stop orbiting her and being angry about not getting porn star sex (“Why aren’t you Green?”), or not even bothering to give you a handjob (“I just want a Yellow, why can’t you Yellow?”). When she’s feeling Red about sex and you demand / pout / threaten / tantrum and she lets your fuck her, you get Red Sex and you complain about that…. (“She just lays there like a Starfish!”)

So my advice from here is to actually start using the words Red Yellow Green until you get a handle on it. Over time, you won’t need to say the words because you’ll internalize them.

This has all been largely focused at the guys/higher desire partner, so a final thought for the women/lower desire partner…

If you force yourself to have sex you don’t want and hate every minute of it. In what bizarro world does that fix your relationship and make you love your partner more?

Side Effects of Carrying Cash May Include Sudden Whoretex

Whoretex: A portmanteau of “Whore” and “Vortex”. A whoretex forms when a woman becomes suddenly sexually motivated in the presence of a man with money.

FuzzyBunny:  I work OT and pay off a large bill early.  No reaction.  I work OT again, when offered, and buy new comfy bed she likes.  Still no reaction.  Change out an outlet that was not working, get a BJ while watching TV.  2 months of no OT, griping about money.  I don’t understand.

I make enough to pay our bills and then some.  WTF?

Athol:  Firstly, you gotta get a new member name on the forum. FuzzyBunny isn’t very metal.

Anyway…

Usually the women have to actually see the money to have a positive emotional reaction to it. Money that is in bank accounts is often invisible to women, unless it’s not enough to cover the bills and they have a negative emotional reaction to it. So working some over-time, taking the money out of the bank and buying a new comfy bed with cash = win.  It’s kind of the same with the changing an outlet cover. It’s an objective observable task you did. It nets more points than something she can’t readily see.

Something else to consider is that women do adapt to a certain level of income and you don’t get points for it after a while. So if you make $25,000 a year and get a bump to $35,000, you’re going to get a happy wife reaction. Making $400,000 and dropping to $350,000, is in her mind likely a concerning fuck-up on your part. Objectively speaking $350,000 is more than $35,000, but the $35,000 wife is likely happier about things than the $350,000 one.

I don’t make the rules, I just report them with a wide brush. And just to repeat one more time, women aren’t all gold-diggers, but they are at least copper and silver-diggers. The bills have to be paid, nice things once in a while are nice. But there is unquestionably an adaptation thing where women hate going backwards in standard of living the same way men hate blowjobs vanishing off the menu for no clear reason.

Always have some cash if you can.

Anyway…

In terms of Jennifer and myself, all the book money just funnels into the joint checking account. She pays the bills and I trust her implicitly with handling that. But I do have a affiliate thing that pays into PayPal and now the coaching money gets funneled that way too. There’s been a couple times where “my money” has paid for something and she had truly a palpable look of relief. The big one being the month Amazon paid out several days later in the month than usual… now on the “wrong side” of the forum bill and scary close to the mortgage payment. It’s a nice feeling saying “no problem” and having “magically appearing” money in your hand.

I’ve also lightly teased her that giving her cash entitles me to additional services lol… and she’s been flexible meeting my demands. Bearing in mind all this is a game between us. Half the money is hers anyway. Even if I was technically paying her for sex, I’m paying her with half her money. So it’s really like a 50% off sale… which gets me to second base with Jennifer.

It’s actually kinda fun. Scratch a good girl, wave $300 and see how fast a whoretex forms to suck you dry.

Sexy Move: The Improved Starfish Position

The traditional position to hate your husband with your vagina is The Starfish. That’s the one where you lie on your back like a starfish and pretend you are in a coma while with every thrust he strips a little off his soul until it’s finally over.

Not that any of our MMSL ladies *ever* do that… but the Missionary Position is so freaking close to defaulting to The Starfish, that it takes very little to make him wonder if you’re Starfishing under him. That slight moment of inattention from sleepiness and he’s pretty sure you’re really thinking about delaying the grocery shopping until Sunday, because the new coupons in the paper aren’t valid until then and you need toilet bowl cleaner.

So lets dick it up a notch and fix The Starfish. Here’s a few Sexy Moves to make it better.

(1)  Arms by your side = Boring. Arms over your head and gripping the headboard = Hot. There’s also a submissive element to this too, you could easily be tied up as well. Also your arms over your head pops your boobs up great too.

(2)  Your hands resting on his side = Boring. Your hands pulling him down on you hard = Hot. Wrap your arms around him and pull him down toward you. He’ll very likely resist and stay in his current position, but it will require more muscle tension his body and that will translate to greater intensity. He’s got the upper body strength to stay stable as you pull on him.

(3)  Discovering your boobs as if for the first time = Hot. Seriously, squeeze them, fondle them, tweak your nipples and moan. You’re so into what’s happening, you just have to self-stimulate and get even hotter.

(4) Wrap your legs around him = Hot. You’re not going to let him go.

(5)  Smack his ass. It’s the international signal for “harder”.

(6)  Say something. “Fuck me” is always appreciated. If you have no idea what else to say, simply say what he’s doing and say you like it. “Yeah put your cock in me. I love it when you put your cock in me.”

(7)  Got submissive? Say some kind of pet name for him. “Fuck me sir.” Or whatever launches his cumshot.

(8)  Stick your finger in his ass. (lol maybe talk this one through first)  It’s pretty much a dirty girl thing and you’ll know near instantly whether or not he likes it or not. You don’t have to jam it in to the second knuckle or anything, light external pressure is usually pretty good.

(9)  Blindfold. Now he can’t see you rolling your eyes and mentally hating him for the gutters he hasn’t gotten around to fixing because he “isn’t in the mood”. Much better. Actually in all seriousness, it’s very centering for you and clues your other senses in better. While for him, he’s banging a chick with a blindfold, so she’s got to be into it right? Right!

(10) Fingernails. Rake them down his back. Do the death talon grip thing on his upper back. Roll your eyes back into your head. Bite your lip.

Now get to it.

Female Proximal Placement Means She’s Waiting For You to Make a Move

Husbands constantly miss the signs of their wives wanting sex. Sometimes all they do is put themselves in a proximal position to you and wait for you to make a move.

Let me say that again. Proximal placement means she’s waiting for you to make a move. Let’s start with outside the bedroom first though.

If it was say in a bar / club / social gathering / church / picking your kids up from school… and a woman intentionally positions herself near to you (especially if she does it on multiple occasions) and then looks like she’s waiting for a bus… the bus she’s waiting for is you. Make a move, say hi, she’s already interested. If she thought you were creepy, she wouldn’t position herself right next to you.

Submissive women do this all the time. They simply place themselves in a position where you have the opportunity to make something happen. If you don’t make a move, you miss out. That’s about all there is to it.

My first serious girlfriend did exactly that routine for about two weeks before I understood what was going on. She just started sitting near me in the library at college. After about two weeks of “hey that pretty girl is around a lot”, I finally asked her out. Of course back in the day that was a stomach churning moment, but looking back it was a total slam dunk. In fact she’d pretty much run a stakeout until I made a move. Duh.

Okay bedroom…

The kids are all out of the house all day at Connecticon, which is the big geek convention in Hartford each year. Crazy good costuming, sci-fi, comic books and aging Star Trek actors whoring themselves for rent money. Every year Jennifer and I say we’re going to do something fun without the children, but every time we just slump into exhaustion and nap. We’re like middle aged or something.

Anyway the living room is in “Sleepover Disarray” (TM) and rather than try and clean up the living room three days straight, we just let them make a mess and clean up once. The important point is that the living room floor is covered in mattresses. I trust you see where this is going.

So I’m halfway napping on one of the mattresses and Jennifer is on the sofa adjacent to me. At some point, her leg slides off the sofa and she places her foot lightly against the side of my leg and nudges it ever so slightly.

That’s it.

That’s all there is to it. That’s Jennifer initiating sex.

Placing herself proximal and waiting.

It’s easy to miss.

After that I massaged her calf a little. I’m not sure the exact order of events from here, but somehow Jennifer managed to slither off the sofa and get down on the mattress with me. Whereupon she ended up with her eyes closed, lying on her side, faux sleeping while I rubbed her back while she softly purred.  Back rub turns into ass rub, results in snuggling into me and smiling. So I said the three magic words every woman wants to hear.

“I’m gonna pee.”

After I peed, I came back ready for action, we threw the official “fucking in the living room blanket” down on one of the mattresses, and I took her to Poundtown; population two.

So there you go. If she’s hanging around and not making any obvious “no” signals, just assume it’s a yes and make a move. Women don’t isolate themselves with you unless they are into you.

Why Relationship Momentum Matters

Okay…. lets assume your relationship is basically good, but you’ve made a misstep with a mate guarding fail. You know it, she knows it. You know she knows it and she knows, you know it. And… well… let’s just say it’s obvious.

And no sex happened, clothes all stayed on, it’s just one of the those things where “nothing happened”, but your stomach feels like you swallowed four lemons and a giant bag of Pop Rocks. That’s your sign that mate guarding should have happened.

So nothing happened, but you still have to address it somehow though. You can’t simply let it just slide.

Here’s the big picture concern.

Right now your relationship is GOOD. Let’s say that you’re at the 90 mark out of 100. A really good relationship.

But relationships also have momentum. What’s happening now is that a small negative event has happened. You failed to mate guard, some dude got isolated face time with her, or you stood around doing nothing while he hit on her in front of you.

As a result your relationship dropped from a 90 to 87. Which is still a GOOD relationship. But the momentum has started DOWN.

If this situation keeps going on unchecked, you’re going to get a slow but stead string of small negative events, -1, -2, -1, -2, -1, -3…. yada yada yada. There’s another isolation event with Mr. Studly, there’s a mildly naughty text, there’s playful looking over, come out to the club…. yada yada yada.

Then one day a few months down the line, your relationship is DOWN to a 47 and Mr.Studly has worked himself UP to a 54. Then things start getting really awkward.

Would your wife cheat on you today? NO. No way in hell. Because your relationship is GOOD. But left unchecked, your relationship will continue it’s downward momentum.

So it sounds like I’m over reacting here, but I take downward relationship momentum *very* seriously. In fact I’d almost be more comfortable learning your relationship was at 20 and heading up to 25, rather than 90 dropping to 87. The relationship momentum will tend to hold in both cases.

If it all gets nipped in the bud *now*, you’ll save each other an amazing degree of pain and grief.

So even in a GOOD relationship, with a GOOD wife, you still have to pay attention and be willing to step in and say something when a line is crossed. Either to her, or him, or both. That’s how your relationship stays GOOD.

And of course the same applies the other way around…

Dragon’s Lair: Princess Daphne Teaches Girl Game

Here’s the thing about White Knighting.

No one tells guys they need to do it, it’s built into their DNA. Pretty girl needs saving? We’ll be right there.

Watch this short video and tell me you don’t have a total craving to hunt for a copy of Dragon’s Lair. Must. Save. Princess. Daphne.

There’s a rather obvious assumed contract at work there. Be the hero, save the girl and you get to pop her out of her chastity bubble.

However in modern society, if a woman is rescued she doesn’t have to pony up like a fairy tale princess. If the fire department rescues a woman from a burning building, there’s minimal expectation she’ll let herself be taken doggy style in the back of the fire truck. As an aside, Engine 7 wishes to apologize.

But for men, the expectation for being a White Knight hero remains intact. If a woman is getting robbed by three men, a male passing stranger is simply meant to rush them unarmed and get shot as a distraction so she can escape with her pocketbook. Your wife will bawl her eyes out on your casket and you’ll be called a hero. Everyone will be proud.

Yeah I know, extreme examples, neither of which is likely to happen to you in your lifetime. Usually the “save me” and “here I come to save the day” is smaller and less dramatic. Here’s rent money. I’ll help you finish your report. I’ll tell them no for you. Take my car. I’ll help you move. No worries, I’ll buy dinner. Here’s something to help get you back on your feet again. I don’t mind staying here all night in case he tries to come back, I’ll just sleep on the couch with a hard-on.

So the rule is, you don’t turn yourself into a chump. You don’t spend unusual time, energy, or money on a woman who isn’t willing to put out for you. You sure as hell don’t put yourself in danger for her. Women killed chivalry by demanding equal treatment and breaking their end of the hero-gives-rescue-princess-gives-poon contract. So men have to stop White Knighting, otherwise you’re just an idiot for doing it.

But…

It’s fucking built into us.

When all is said and done, one of the things I like about being married is I can White Knight Jennifer. To be fair she’s not some dingbat endlessly getting herself in a spot of bother, but it’s really actually kinda fun to provide for her and get to play the all-purpose hero of the family. She also holds up her end of the bargain and puts out rather nicely. I don’t have a magic sword, I have a laptop. I don’t have a dragon, I have MMSL. I don’t have Princess Daphne, I have Jennifer. It’s actually really enjoyable.

When you look closely at most guys, their lives involve finding out whatever their version of the magic sword is, trying to slay their dragon and saving their girl from something. You want to know what the hottest thing about Princess Daphne is? What gives her rock solid girl game? It’s not the sexy voice, it’s not the lingerie outfit, it’s not her long blond hair, it’s not her ass, boobs, lips or legs.

She squeals and claps.

Ladies if you want your husband to act more Alpha, if you happen to notice him doing something good, try an over-the-top Princess Daphne patented Squeal and Clap routine. Watch him puff up with DNA programmed pride. I do Goofy and Groping, so why not see what a couple of seconds of Squeal and Clap gets you. I’m telling you, back in the day guys shoveled quarters into those Dragon’s Lair machines….

 

 

Was It The Booze, Or Was It The MAP?

Valmont:  So, recently started MAPing and sex has been rare (like once or twice a month) and a source of tension for two years. Her enjoyment has been sporadic to say the least (but not totally gone). I just want your views on last night.

We had a party and had parked the kids with grandparents. I’ve been MAPing, imperfectly for about a month. There’ve been signals that she’s been picking up on this but yet to have a real conversion into the bedroom. So, yeah, I was hoping for something out of a decent party with no kids to come home to.

That night, I mapped it like a mofo. I’m not normally into dress up events but, what’s that babe? you want me to grow an awesome mo? Game on. You wear that mini skirt and it’s a deal.

Get to the party and get her a drink but then make a mental note to start chatting to the other ladies there. After about 10 minutes I remembered something; how freaking charming I can be when I want to turn it on. So I turned it on. Never in a threatening way but enough that by the end of the night I had her and her best lady friends laughing, flirting, dancing, and just not leaving my side. Gold.

I also made a point of keeping tabs on what I was drinking. Just enough to get lucid but I paced it with soda to make keep me level.

So we get home at about 3. She’s never one for affection in public but the minute we shut the front door – bang. I’m not going to turn this into some indiscreet penthouse forum clone but I have been wracking my brain to think of anytime, ever, when we have fucked like that, and I simply can’t. It. Was. Awesome. She wanted to be taken, and how; and she was completely vocal about everything, which is so out of character but so welcome. It was like every inhibition that had built up over the years was wiped. To switch to beta, it wasn’t just fucking. It was incredibly close too. We were ecstatic afterwards.

So what’s the problem then? The next day I tried to reward this with a decent breakfast. It was then that I realized that she had hit the sauce quite a bit the night before. She was quite hungover and most embarrassed about it.

I switched to full beta mode to get us all through the day but immediately began to wonder, “ah crap, so was it just the booze?”  I know the MAP plan is send a follow up message the next day about how awesome last night was, but I knew that with a hangover she would not receive it well.  So I waited until later that night, when the fog had cleared to just drop a, “you were awesome” into conversation. I got a slightly embarrassed groan and a “I was pretty drunk.” She clearly did not want to discuss further.

My dilemma is this. My (beta) inclination is to want to sit down and say, “that was awesome, for both of us, what made it possible and how do we do it again?” But one thing I have learned is that she HATES talking about sex. Ever.

I’m really starting to get a picture of someone who intellectually has been raised with all the feminocentric programming but underneath just wants a good strong man to drag her by the hair to the cave. I think this tension causes a lot of anxiety and even shame – which corrupts not only our ability to talk like adults about sex by I also think is the big inhibitor in getting her going in the first place.

But my big question is, was it the MAP or the booze? If it’s the MAP then I just keep mapping and this sort of action should slowly become the norm. But if was just the booze…..

Athol:  Imagine a scale of 0-100 of how interested in fucking you she is. The higher the number, the more she wants it.

Let’s assume you’ve been stuck at about a 30 for ages.

A couple days back you apologized / owned your shit. +10 and you’re at 40.

You dressed up nice +10

You turned on the charm +10

You have her friend laughing and being into you +10

You got a ton of drinks into her +20

Result for that one night 90 out a 100 on her scale. Fireworks.

So was it the MAP or the booze? Well it was a bit of both.

However, over the long-term you’re going to work on the structural attraction issues, that work every single day in the background and slowly get your baseline creeping up and up. So on any given day, you don’t have to jump through a dozen hoops to make it all happen.

I mean it’s fun once in a while to spruce up and paint the town red, but gets exhausting if that’s what you have to do every single time to get laid.

On the plus side though, that one night probably got you a +2 or something to her baselines interest in you. So if before the evening she was stuck around the 40 point mark, today she’s moved up to 42. So she’s starting to thaw a little. So while the whole night was a bit of a planned charm offensive and a bit of a trick, it all went well and gave you a little boost toward your long term goal of getting her overall interest up higher.

So all in all, worth the effort. You just can’t expect tomorrow evening you’re going to get her shrieking and squealing like she’s at 90 sexual interest in you.

Always well worth getting the relationship momentum heading upwards though.