Reader Comment: My husband and I are relatively new Catholics, and as a result are not using birth control (I’m following TCOYF). The key word here is “I’m” – my husband has absolutely no idea when I’m fertile or not fertile. This is not much of a change from when I was using birth control; I’d be surprised if he could have told you what method I was using unless it was something I had to stop to insert.
The singular burden this places on me is symbolic of our entire marriage – I take care of nearly everything and he just expects it to get done. My husband can’t/won’t do even simple house repairs, doesn’t know how to even pay his credit cards, and the time he spends keeping house is minimal. And yet again, he’s managed to trash “our” bedroom. The bathroom that’s attached to “our” bedroom is only his, I don’t even have a toothbrush in it, and it’s filthy. I’m relegated to sharing a bathroom with the kids. The bedroom smells like cat food and litter box because he’s moved his kidney-failing cat in there (his kidney-failing cat who he won’t even learn to do the fluid injections on, so I’m stuck doing it), clothes are piled everywhere, and I don’t even think the bed has sheets on it – but I’m not sure, since I’ve been sleeping on the couch for the past two months.
It’s not the first time he’s done this. I’ve explained in great detail exactly what I need from him, from talking to his Catholic male friends about how to get more involved in the family planning to “these are the things I need you to do around the house, since we’re in non-traditional roles as far as what I’m expected to do I need you to pick up some of the other things”, but at this point I don’t know what to do. I’m not withholding sex as punishment, but this feels more like another child than a life partner and so I’ve completely lost interest.
Athol: One of my key thoughts is that the purpose of marriage, is to have a “functional, productive and happy relationship” and not to “save a woman”… or in this case “save a man”. To be completely blunt, you don’t sound like a wife, you sound like you’re a direct care staff in a group home.
However the whole dying cat in the bedroom routine really seems to step things beyond him just being lazy and stupid, into the realm of undiagnosed mental illness. It’s utterly abnormal male behavior to haul a cat into the bedroom and watch a wife move out… without thinking you’ve make a major mistake. Plus it’s a hygiene concern.
I think you have three basic options here. The first is just to say that the situation has gotten too big for you to effectively work for change yourself, and call in for further help. Mobile Crisis is 211 in many locations in America.
Option two is to stop supporting his behavior by your actions and see if that sparks a change. If something isn’t absolutely critical to be done for your children, and he’s supposed to be doing it and doesn’t… then just let it be left undone. If his cat is essentially “the other woman” that is ending your marriage, I think you work against your interest by coddling him by doing the shots that he should be doing. Move the cat litter box and food out of the bedroom to where ever they should be.
No doubt if you refused to give the cat it’s shots (do offer to teach him to do them, but refuse to do them yourself), and move the litter box, he’ll claim you hate the cat and probably be very angry at you. So there is the risk that he does something stupid while angry – which coupled with the question of him being mentally ill, may be quite likely.
The third option is essentially to ask him to move out. The purpose of this is twofold, (1) you get to regain control of the house and deal with the basic hygiene and cleanliness concerns, and (2) wake him up to the seriousness of his behavior and direct him toward getting help. I’m not saying divorce him just yet, just get him into treatment, he may do significantly better on medication.
Also absolutely do not get pregnant to him until this is sorted out. It’s all pretty weird.
Mike has left a new comment on your post “What Does It Mean When She Takes Her Wedding Ring Off?”
For some reason this post resonated with me when I read it a couple of weeks ago. I don’t know if that has anything to do with what happened but basically while at the beach the other day my wife and I were goofing around wrestling in the ocean and the waves. She had fallen down and was getting tossed around so I quickly grabbed her hand. Well, her hand slipped and took my ring with it and was lost for good.
Spent the next two hours combing the beach hoping against logic that it would wash up but..I mean, why would it?
What are the next steps a happily married couple should take? Just go buy a new one and call it fixed? I know it’s just “stuff” but we’re both really bummed that we lost my ring and it almost feels like getting a new one would be a limp gesture.
Athol: Awwww that’s crappy luck, but it’s all in the way you frame the story.
In the utter insanity of looking for a tiny bit of heavy metal in the crashing surf, you both searched for the ring for hours. Together. Side by side. Hearts as one.
Put that way, it doesn’t really seem like you lost anything but a couple hundred bucks. The ring is just a symbol. It’s not the love. There’s no magic in the ring itself. It’s in the wanting to wear it with pride and honor.
Or put another way…
Just go buy a new ring together and tell the story about the day you guys lost the old ring for the next 40-50 years. Have two versions… playfully blame each other in each other’s version. Then kiss each other long and deep as your children and grandchildren roll their eyes and moan disgust, but feel a deep inner peace from hearing the family legend retold nonetheless.
Marriage is a long time. Some days you’ll win, some days you’ll lose. But you’ll win and lose as a team.
Reader Question: I’m not sure I have a specific question for you, so much as a general topic. How do you deal with random other men in your spouses life and what are the appropriate reactions? I don’t mean male friends… we don’t believe in that. Rather, I’m talking about the randomly assigned project partner or the TA in her graduate class; the occasional substitute yoga teacher; basically any man that she cannot avoid, but isn’t going to be a complete stranger either.
I try my best to be aware of it all, without ever tipping my hand and asking too obviously. Should I just not worry about it at all? Is there a specific way to handle it that you’d recommend? What are your thoughts on these types of unavoidable situations?
For background (although I would assume this question can also be answered more generally for everyone), we’re newly married (less than a year). She’s naturally friendly and outgoing, which sometimes bothers/worries me around strangers, but she also comes from a traditional family, is a first generation American, and cooks/cleans/runs errands since I work. I have a good job, and almost certainly have a higher sex rank than her by a point or two, but had almost no success with women before her despite being handsome and smart because of a lack of confidence with girls (I didn’t discover ‘game’ until after we began dating). I was her first sex partner and she might as well have been mine (I had a handful of one night stands that I look back on with shame due to awkwardness and poor performance), and there’s plenty of passion in the bedroom.
Athol: You don’t have anything to worry about with these guys.
Also it’s impossible to police her over incidental interaction with other men and trying to will start to be viewed as controlling and needy. Speaking of The Police, how creepy is this song?
The defense against incidental contact becoming something more, is you maintaining a good Sex Rank and her being sexually moral/conservative – and it sounds like she is.
Reader Reply: That’s what I figured, but the confirmation from you is helpful.
Athol: I didn’t go into the exact reason in my exchange why this is so, but I’ll extend it now. Monogamy is as I’ve said many times before, a sexual strategy. We are all wired for the possibility of opportunistic sex outside of our primary relationship partner. The shorthand for such sex is usually “EPC” for “Extra-Pair Copulation”.
Because we all invest a lot of time and energy into our primary relationship, and we would like our primary partner to remain faithful to us, most people in relationships typically advance the default position of monogamy as being a good thing and their moral viewpoint as well as their personal preference. While this is not exactly a lie, it is a bit of relationship spin control.
However before one breaks away from the actual practice of monogamy and actually has an EPC rather than just idly dreaming about one, there is a serious weighing up of the risks involved before going ahead with it. The people that say “it just happened” are full of it… it never “just happens”, the feelings may just happen, but actual action to do it always is decided on with the deliberation of a chess move. The EPC always risks some form of discovery and potential loss of the primary relationship.
So for our couple in question, let’s take his claim he is two points higher than her at face value and say she is a 6 and he is an 8. For her to benefit from an EPC and do better than an 8, she’s got to pull the interest of a 9 or a 10. That’s going to take a fair bit of work to pull off and very likely she will tip her hand that she’s trying to EPC with someone. That of course would risk her relationship with her 8 husband, who is frankly already a far better primary partner than she deserves or could ever hope to replace. So the risk/benefit decision strongly suggests that she not try and find an EPC.
The majority of men she will have incidental contact with will be in the 4-8 range anyway. So none of them are actually better than her husband. So it is essentially convenient and efficient that she simply have an enjoyable day and come home to her husband for her sexual needs.
The other thing is that she is sexually conservative by nature/upbringing, so when she makes a risk/benefit decision about having an EPC, she weights her decision toward the staying monogamous option. Or in other words, a male 9 asking for a quick fling with a female 6 (who has a male 8 partner) is going to have a reasonable chance at succeeding. But if the female 6 is sexually conservative, she is far less likely to crack for a 9. She might crack for a full male 10, but that’s very likely a moot point as male 10’s have to be having a slow day to take the time out for a female 6.
So a sexually conservative female 6 paired with a male 8, is going to have an extremely high likelihood of staying faithful – even if offered discrete sexual opportunity. The one thing that could screw it all up though, is excessive mate guarding behavior where the male 8 acts like a male 4 or 5 and hovers around her trying to intercept every other male approaching her for sexual reasons or not. Acting like you’re on the verge of losing her will make her start to think that she is the hotter half of the couple… and therefore could do better.
So if you are truly hotter than her, just relax and be yourself. It’s rational for her that she stays faithful to you. For her the monogamy sexual strategy is a winning plan. After all, she’s a female 6 that landed a permanent 8, so that totally rocks for her. Though of course she’ll just call it being in love and being a moral person…
…which is also true. So enjoy it.
So back to our reader asking the question. She’s probably so playfully chatty and “up” with the whole world because she can’t stop thinking about you… cue her theme song.
(Now don’t screw it up with her.)
As as aside, my orginial idea for the post title was “Fuck The Police, Get Her Stoned”. I thought it was a clever teaser and tied into the bands in the videos as a faux defense. Jennifer just kept saying “dude, dude, dude” over and over, both laughing and appalled all in one. Anyway… I thought it was cool but I’ll defer to Jennifer’s judgment on this one and make no mention of it. Oh…
Jennifer and I were at a early Fourth of July party last night. There were five couples present and a couple of single women. Heavy kid presence of the middle school type, so not a wild Paaaaaaaaaarrrr-TAY! by any means, but more of a relaxed family fun party.
Now I know writing about what I write about, I have a reputation of being an insatiable sexual beast with ejaculations rivalling that of a team of horses. That’s obviously an exaggeration, one horse sure, but no man could hope to match an entire team of them. I just want to set the record straight on that.
Anyway, I may come across as fixated on sex, but the reality is 95% of game involves having your clothes on, and not worrying about your clothes coming off. Of the five husbands present, guess which one…
Sat with his wife on and off through the night and chatted.
Put his arm around his wife multiple times in passing.
Kissed his wife on the back of the neck once.
Lightly teased his wife over a trivial matter.
Started drinking the latest in the evening.
Became the clear favorite of the two-month-old in attendance.
Brought his wife the most perfectly toasted marshmallow in existence, such that it splucked inside her mouth in a single gooey orgasm of liquid marshmallowy goodness.
Lightly groped his wife’s ass discretely when no one was particularly paying attention to them.
So didja guess it was me yet? Didja? Really? Wow you are good.
Now I don’t even think any of the other couples are bad relationships by any means. I quite liked them all. Just, I’m the only one that Played Attention to his wife at the party. That’s half of Game right there. Just Play Attention to Her.
And of course being married is key to this sort of soft sell Game. I’m not hunting for a number close. There’s no boyfriend in the way. I don’t have the night winding down without having to worry about getting laid. I don’t need to ditch a friend to try and isolate her from her friends. I’m in board shorts, T-Shirt and bare feet…. peacocking lol.
Jennifer already said yes to me sixteen and a half years ago. Think about that for a moment… she already said yes. Last Minute Resistance was quite some time ago. Wifely pussy should in theory be the easiest possible pussy you will ever get your whole life. She’s pretty heavily committed to riding your cock you would think.
Now I get that for many of my readers, the very reason you are here is because you aren’t getting laid enough in your marriage. So think about this for a moment. At some point she already said a HUGE yes to you. Somewhere along the way, her yes for you turned into a no for you. If you managed to pull off a yes before, you very probably can find your way to a yes again. She’s actually biased toward you finding your way back to the yes.
Women love sex, and given a choice between cheating, divorcing, or finding their husband attractive again, the easy option is finding themselves turned on by their husband again. But attraction isn’t a choice, so that option is only yours to take. So give it a shot. It’s hard going at first, but it does get easier once you get it all up to speed again. You can do this.
Hopefully in not too long you’ll be goofing off too. Just kicking back with your girl, some Arbor Mist and The Summertime.