There’s Enough Pain For Everyone

There’s enough pain for everyone.

The way to get past the pain and anger is to learn the pain and the anger of the opposite sex.

Then you start to realize that for every total fucking cunt that’s out there…

…there’s more women crying themselves to sleep because their husband doesn’t love them, cheats on them, has a broken dick, or is just totally fucking useless.

Then you start to realize that for every wife beating asshole that’s out there…

….there’s more men lost and confused as to why they held down a job, were nice, didn’t have some crazy addiction or defect but still live a life of endless rejection and grinding sorrow.

There’s enough pain for everyone.

 

Does The End Justify The Means?

I’m often criticized by Christians as being either “too quick” to suggest divorce, or even “pro-divorce”.  Usually it’s not a complete slamming of me/MMSL, more of an element that makes it’s way into my final grade so to speak. MMSL is amazing and wonderful and deserves an A, but the whole willingness to divorce thing drops me to a B.

I get it. I totally understand that point of view. If you have a Christian world view, that makes sense to me that you think that way. The trouble is though, sometimes a completely genuine divorce threat works like nothing else does to unstick a stagnant marriage.

So the difficulty is that it can work, but is wrong to use. Awkward.

So let’s get real about this shall we.

There’s not too much question in my mind that a genuine divorce threat is a non-sanctioned Christian tool. I agree that you’re coming over to the dark side to try this tactic. That being said, I *very* rarely jump to an instant divorce suggestion and those cases where I do are truly horrible. The entire Phases of the MAP is designed to actually slow down the rush to judgment and get everything as good as they can be, before ever getting to a true divorce ultimatum. It’s a true last resort. Even then, it’s a true ultimatum – a choice – with a positive option for the other spouse to choose. All they have to do is act right.

It’s not simply a random nuke tossed out. It’s something that offers a clear and positive resolution if your spouse is willing to take it. So honestly I get a little ticked at being framed as “pro-divorce” or slap happy on recommending it.

So does the end justify the means?

Yes. Yes it does. If that means you’re in a happy marriage as a result, absolutely it does.

It all just needs to be controlled, managed and staged as best it can for minimal risk and maximum possible gain. If it all works out for the best, I think you’ll be able to live with it. But I do get that it’s stressful and stomach churning to think about.

You know what the REAL risk is though? One day something in your marriage is just going to get so bad, you’re going to snap anyway.

I’d rather see you get help before that happens. If you’ve tried everything else and it hasn’t worked, come see me.

MMSL is the Manosphere Root Beer Part Two

Comment on Why Relationship Momentum Matters. As you read, watch everything play out exactly as you would expect… assuming the genders were reversed.

Audrey:  I recently ‘guarded’ my husband from a friend in the midst of going through a divorce. I’ve known her for years because our kids are friends. My husband casually mentioned that he was sending her some research on an item she was buying. I asked why, and he said that she’d emailed to ask him for help making a selection.

Pardon me? She approached HIM and not ME? Me, I’d have nicely told her to research it herself (lots of online info, library has Consumers Report, etc.). My life is busy enough. I don’t do homework for those who should be able to help themselves. I had to point out to him that she was playing the damsel in distress and that he was buying it. He was completely taken aback and pointed out that he was just trying to help as he would anyone. I told him that I knew there was nothing wrong with what HE did, but would he mind her estranged hubby calling me up and asking me to come over and help him with something I’m better at, such as picking paint colours or furniture for his new digs? He paused. And then the lights went on and he saw what I was seeing.

I asked if he thought this woman with a master’s degree was really incapable of reviewing ratings on her own, or did he think it served her purposes better to play the victim and have other men do things for her. After all, other women’s husbands are safe since they can’t even expect a ‘perk’ for doing it. She just touches their arms, flatters them by saying how good they are at these things and how much she appreciates the help. You know, the stuff that many wives forget to do since busy spouses tend to take each other for granted over the years.

He went from thinking I was nuts to being irked about potentially being played. I think it’s safe to assume that she won’t be getting any more help from MY man. Besides, Miss I’m So Lost Since Hubby Left has three strapping sons at home, all well over six feet. If she really needs a man to do things, she needs to tap one of the walking appetites that lives with her.

What amused me the most was how THRILLED my husband was to have me ‘guard’ him. Seriously, he was all puffed up about it. I earned big points there and I wasn’t even trying to. LOL

Athol:  Audrey’s completely correct response reads exactly like we teach a husband to do when someone starts honing in on their wife. There needs to be a word for female cockblocking.

Anyway…

I realize probably a minority of my readers and certainly a decent number of other manosphere types think I’ve lost my mind and/or sold out with the new book. Sure it’s a softer approach, but the truth is I see the exact same issues playing out over and over in both sexes. 90% of the wives on the MMSL forum are the female version of Betaized Nice Guys. Too patient, too submissive, too frightened to stand up for themselves, no inner game, endlessly orbiting and sexually frustrated.

The overwhelming majority of my advice applies just as well to women as it does to men.

Get to the gym, get in shape. Dress well. Don’t allow yourself to be mistreated or taken advantage of. Be kind and affectionate, but only if you’re being treated with basic respect. Get good at something. Ask for the sex you what. Be loyal, but also be prepared to walk if the relationship is a disaster. Play up your sexuality and gender. Instigate, isolate, escalate.

I won’t lie and say the extra money isn’t nice and that the book isn’t more commercial. Of course I wanted to make money and sell more books. Duh.

But we gotta make Red Pill women, or it’s going to get very lonely for all the Red Pill men the manosphere is making.

This isn’t anything new. I wrote Why MMSL Is The Manosphere’s Root Beer nearly two years ago. I’m playing a long game here.

When a Blue Pill Nice Guy with a serious relationship problem comes stumbling into the Manosphere looking for answers, he comes with a pro-female mindset. After coming across variants of “All women are devious whores!” a few dozen times – something possible in the comments of a single post on some blogs – he can easily become repulsed and move on in his search for truth. Then we call him a Mangina for good measure. We do this because insults make other people listen better and consider our viewpoint.

Likewise, sympathetic women reading the same venom quickly become unsympathetic women. At some point we’re going to want some things to go to a vote and there are more women than men that can vote. Therefore we need the support of women to at least some degree.

So I see my role in the Manosphere as a diplomatic outpost. Some people start here and then explore the rest of the Manosphere. Some people start elsewhere in the Manosphere and get directed here after being jilted by what they first discover. Me being happily married, having a great sex life and generally being a quirky Vulcan makes MMSL taste like… root beer.

So watch the video, it’s a classic.

If other bloggers want review copies, let me know where to send them.

Transparent 3Dcover for website ad

Why Relationship Momentum Matters

Okay…. lets assume your relationship is basically good, but you’ve made a misstep with a mate guarding fail. You know it, she knows it. You know she knows it and she knows, you know it. And… well… let’s just say it’s obvious.

And no sex happened, clothes all stayed on, it’s just one of the those things where “nothing happened”, but your stomach feels like you swallowed four lemons and a giant bag of Pop Rocks. That’s your sign that mate guarding should have happened.

So nothing happened, but you still have to address it somehow though. You can’t simply let it just slide.

Here’s the big picture concern.

Right now your relationship is GOOD. Let’s say that you’re at the 90 mark out of 100. A really good relationship.

But relationships also have momentum. What’s happening now is that a small negative event has happened. You failed to mate guard, some dude got isolated face time with her, or you stood around doing nothing while he hit on her in front of you.

As a result your relationship dropped from a 90 to 87. Which is still a GOOD relationship. But the momentum has started DOWN.

If this situation keeps going on unchecked, you’re going to get a slow but stead string of small negative events, -1, -2, -1, -2, -1, -3…. yada yada yada. There’s another isolation event with Mr. Studly, there’s a mildly naughty text, there’s playful looking over, come out to the club…. yada yada yada.

Then one day a few months down the line, your relationship is DOWN to a 47 and Mr.Studly has worked himself UP to a 54. Then things start getting really awkward.

Would your wife cheat on you today? NO. No way in hell. Because your relationship is GOOD. But left unchecked, your relationship will continue it’s downward momentum.

So it sounds like I’m over reacting here, but I take downward relationship momentum *very* seriously. In fact I’d almost be more comfortable learning your relationship was at 20 and heading up to 25, rather than 90 dropping to 87. The relationship momentum will tend to hold in both cases.

If it all gets nipped in the bud *now*, you’ll save each other an amazing degree of pain and grief.

So even in a GOOD relationship, with a GOOD wife, you still have to pay attention and be willing to step in and say something when a line is crossed. Either to her, or him, or both. That’s how your relationship stays GOOD.

And of course the same applies the other way around…

Explaining The “In Her Or On Her” Rule

Forum issue…. spent a long time triaging this case and everything went back to the husband having a porn/Internet addiction. As in we figured out the exact month everything started falling apart being when they first had cable Internet installed. Literally a bright motivated guy one month and starting to flunk out of college the next. Then over a decade of unemployment and underemployment after that. Her carrying about 80% of the income load while he stayed home and jerked off to porn. Long story short, I gave her a full and complete triage experience, she unleashed “Option A or B” on him, he went for Option A.

Which brings us to this post. One of my suggestions that was part of Option A was to adopt the “In her or on her” rule. Meaning where his semen ends up. i.e. no jerking off to porn, if he’s having an orgasm, it’s with her in some way shape or form. Don’t care where he comes, just as long as it’s with her.

Then comes the hamstring questions. What if she’s not available, or doesn’t want to? Or other reason to get around the rule. Squeaky squeak squeakum.

My response…

(1) He’s the addict, so anything he says isn’t reasonable or valid related to the addiction.

(2) He’s allowing himself to have his brain be rewired to experience her as the outlet for his sexuality.

(3) Given long enough (months) doing (2) will make his brain eroticize her to him. Just like he’s conditioned himself to particular porn to be a turn-on, now he’s conditioning himself to be turned-on by her. Yes that’s “artificial”, but it will feel completely real when it’s done.

(4) Like any form of hunger, the longer it goes between feedings, the greater his desire to be fed. So if she is unavailable (work) or unwilling (I expect somewhat rarely), all that does is make him more interested in her and more attracted to her. If he routinely masturbates without her, then he basically messes up the entire program. The orgasming without her is the entire problem.

(5) What he’ll come to learn is that 99% of eroticism lies in the feeling of being turned-on. After he orgasms, it’s over. It seems very counter intuitive I know, but he’ll actually find a more satisfying sexual experience on the other side of this process. It’s really not robbing him of anything.

(6) Without the endless dopamine chasing of the porn/Internet addiction, he’ll find greater personal focus in his life as a whole. He’ll think better. Perform better. This is a real addiction he’s been facing and it’s terribly draining on him.

(7) Monogamy isn’t exactly easy. It’s not for me. I’m a higher desire person than Jennifer, but it’s the experience of being turned-on that’s the most enjoyable thing. By a conscious focus limiting myself to her, it actually is sexually frustrating in a positive sense. Much of Oneitis is simply a biological response to sexual frustration coupled with an emotional focus on a single woman. As long as she is a basically good wife, it’s pretty freaking enjoyable.

Or in other words, the “in you or on you” rule may seem like a gimmick, and to an extent it is. But it’s also going to work to make him find her more sexually attractive and help him fall in love with her again.

And even if the process to make that happen is artificial, the feelings he’ll experience as a result of it will be real.

The caveat to all this being that she’s actually into him. She’s been a total Nice Girl slaving away supporting him and being sexually cut off by him. She wants to lay him like tile.

Jennifer:  This can also be a lot of fun for her. We don’t often skip nights but the positive change in Athol’s attention toward me is noticeable the longer it goes since the last time we had sex. It’s nice to be the focus of that level of desire. Now if a girl was mildly evil…

Fuck You and Fuck Your Elbow

So anyway… about two and a half months ago in the gym, I broke my personal record on the evil Leg Press machine. I had a light jabbing pain inside my head though, up high, toward the back on the right hand side.

No problem.

My next leg day, I added another 10 pounds to my personal record. I also had a medium jabbing pain inside my head, up high, toward the back on the right hand side.

No problem.

The next leg day, I added another 10 pounds to my personal record. I also had a bad jabbing pain inside my head… guess where… yeah…  up high, toward the back on the right hand side.

Okay fuck, that’s not right.

So I stopped. That’s about it. I never passed out, never had headaches, no vision issues, felt completely fine otherwise. I’ve just got zero interest in popping something in my head and spending the rest of my life drooling and only smiling when Jennifer comes to visit me in the nursing home.

So I did a fair bit of cardio for a while, skipped some days and I was pretty sick with an allergies + sinus + almost pneumonia thing there for a couple weeks too.

Anyway, first true leg day for a while. It went okay. I’ve lost a little strength, but not that much. I’ve also started doing this thing where after working out I go home and add up the total weight I’ve lifted, as in 100lbs x 10 reps = 1000lbs. I always knew leg day was heavier than arm day, but the total weight lifted is about 60-70% more for me. Leg day is brutal.

So I guess all I’m saying is take it all the way up to Fuck You and Fuck Your Elbow, then peg it back just a notch or two. You still have to push it, but you don’t have to break yourself to be a man. The goal is to feel good, not feel bad.

Oh and the counting the total weight thing. Just have to beat the last total weight lifted by 1%. That’s it. I figure the goal might as well be something positive than thinking about getting injured as the gold standard of being committed. Just 1% better. That’s it.

Jennifer:

Athol:  And no I wasn’t dying. I just wanted to use the video lol.

Framing the Official Relationship History

The half of the couple who is in charge, is the one who gets to take the official meeting minutes of the relationship. As long as the relationship is going well, this isn’t a concern because the official meeting minutes reflect the happy harmony of the relationship.

But on the rare occasions the relationship has some minor points of interpersonal discussion, requiring greater thought as to the structural situations in which the happy couple periodically finds itself at sub-optimal levels of unification on a temporary issue, the official meeting minutes of the relationship, become an important resource to clarify the memories of prior statements of mutual agreement, to the appropriate course of action for exactly the circumstances in which discussion wishes to take place and as the matter has already been settled before the present point of time, this entire debate amounts to a potentially offensive reopening of a closed matter, as the expectation remains that talks made in good faith will be honored and not discarded on a whim, especially when additional plans have already been made with outside parties and costs borne predicated on the original agreement, thus it remains not only a reasonable expectation that the plans of action unfolds as mutually intended and agreed upon, it is in fact going to be damaging to attempt to not proceed and therefore is doubly justified as the only possible thing to do at present.

Or perhaps put more plainly…

“We’ve already talked about this. You agreed that I could have a weekend away with the girls, you can’t change your mind on me now, I’ve already got plane tickets and booked the hotel.”

“I didn’t think you were going to Vegas though, you said it was the beach house.”

“What? No! You agreed that I could have a weekend away with the girls. The beach house was only one idea of a possible place. We decided on Vegas as a group after that.”

“I don’t think that’s how it happened, you said the beach house.”

“Okay, well now we have this problem again where you can’t remember conversations we’ve had. You don’t pay attention. I have to remember everything, and I clearly remember that you agreed I could have a weekend away with the girls.”

As you can see, if she controls the official meeting minutes of the relationship, she gets to be the one that remembers the relationship correctly. Which means she controls the entire frame of the relationship history. Which means if she’s fallen out of love with you, your entire relationship will be rewritten to frame you as some loser she was putting up with and her as the long suffering spouse. Thus explaining, when driven to the breaking point, the need to seek solace in the arms of another.

This mind control tactic is called Gaslighting.  And yes of course men can do the same thing to women too. I’ve seen victims of both sexes come stumbling onto the forum with having experienced Cardassian levels of mental conditioning.

Anyway…

If there is a patron saint of hamster, it’s Sir Humphrey…

Jennifer:  It’s nice to be Athol’s editor and ensure his postings are officially official.

 

Dragon’s Lair: Princess Daphne Teaches Girl Game

Here’s the thing about White Knighting.

No one tells guys they need to do it, it’s built into their DNA. Pretty girl needs saving? We’ll be right there.

Watch this short video and tell me you don’t have a total craving to hunt for a copy of Dragon’s Lair. Must. Save. Princess. Daphne.

There’s a rather obvious assumed contract at work there. Be the hero, save the girl and you get to pop her out of her chastity bubble.

However in modern society, if a woman is rescued she doesn’t have to pony up like a fairy tale princess. If the fire department rescues a woman from a burning building, there’s minimal expectation she’ll let herself be taken doggy style in the back of the fire truck. As an aside, Engine 7 wishes to apologize.

But for men, the expectation for being a White Knight hero remains intact. If a woman is getting robbed by three men, a male passing stranger is simply meant to rush them unarmed and get shot as a distraction so she can escape with her pocketbook. Your wife will bawl her eyes out on your casket and you’ll be called a hero. Everyone will be proud.

Yeah I know, extreme examples, neither of which is likely to happen to you in your lifetime. Usually the “save me” and “here I come to save the day” is smaller and less dramatic. Here’s rent money. I’ll help you finish your report. I’ll tell them no for you. Take my car. I’ll help you move. No worries, I’ll buy dinner. Here’s something to help get you back on your feet again. I don’t mind staying here all night in case he tries to come back, I’ll just sleep on the couch with a hard-on.

So the rule is, you don’t turn yourself into a chump. You don’t spend unusual time, energy, or money on a woman who isn’t willing to put out for you. You sure as hell don’t put yourself in danger for her. Women killed chivalry by demanding equal treatment and breaking their end of the hero-gives-rescue-princess-gives-poon contract. So men have to stop White Knighting, otherwise you’re just an idiot for doing it.

But…

It’s fucking built into us.

When all is said and done, one of the things I like about being married is I can White Knight Jennifer. To be fair she’s not some dingbat endlessly getting herself in a spot of bother, but it’s really actually kinda fun to provide for her and get to play the all-purpose hero of the family. She also holds up her end of the bargain and puts out rather nicely. I don’t have a magic sword, I have a laptop. I don’t have a dragon, I have MMSL. I don’t have Princess Daphne, I have Jennifer. It’s actually really enjoyable.

When you look closely at most guys, their lives involve finding out whatever their version of the magic sword is, trying to slay their dragon and saving their girl from something. You want to know what the hottest thing about Princess Daphne is? What gives her rock solid girl game? It’s not the sexy voice, it’s not the lingerie outfit, it’s not her long blond hair, it’s not her ass, boobs, lips or legs.

She squeals and claps.

Ladies if you want your husband to act more Alpha, if you happen to notice him doing something good, try an over-the-top Princess Daphne patented Squeal and Clap routine. Watch him puff up with DNA programmed pride. I do Goofy and Groping, so why not see what a couple of seconds of Squeal and Clap gets you. I’m telling you, back in the day guys shoveled quarters into those Dragon’s Lair machines….

 

 

Was It The Booze, Or Was It The MAP?

Valmont:  So, recently started MAPing and sex has been rare (like once or twice a month) and a source of tension for two years. Her enjoyment has been sporadic to say the least (but not totally gone). I just want your views on last night.

We had a party and had parked the kids with grandparents. I’ve been MAPing, imperfectly for about a month. There’ve been signals that she’s been picking up on this but yet to have a real conversion into the bedroom. So, yeah, I was hoping for something out of a decent party with no kids to come home to.

That night, I mapped it like a mofo. I’m not normally into dress up events but, what’s that babe? you want me to grow an awesome mo? Game on. You wear that mini skirt and it’s a deal.

Get to the party and get her a drink but then make a mental note to start chatting to the other ladies there. After about 10 minutes I remembered something; how freaking charming I can be when I want to turn it on. So I turned it on. Never in a threatening way but enough that by the end of the night I had her and her best lady friends laughing, flirting, dancing, and just not leaving my side. Gold.

I also made a point of keeping tabs on what I was drinking. Just enough to get lucid but I paced it with soda to make keep me level.

So we get home at about 3. She’s never one for affection in public but the minute we shut the front door – bang. I’m not going to turn this into some indiscreet penthouse forum clone but I have been wracking my brain to think of anytime, ever, when we have fucked like that, and I simply can’t. It. Was. Awesome. She wanted to be taken, and how; and she was completely vocal about everything, which is so out of character but so welcome. It was like every inhibition that had built up over the years was wiped. To switch to beta, it wasn’t just fucking. It was incredibly close too. We were ecstatic afterwards.

So what’s the problem then? The next day I tried to reward this with a decent breakfast. It was then that I realized that she had hit the sauce quite a bit the night before. She was quite hungover and most embarrassed about it.

I switched to full beta mode to get us all through the day but immediately began to wonder, “ah crap, so was it just the booze?”  I know the MAP plan is send a follow up message the next day about how awesome last night was, but I knew that with a hangover she would not receive it well.  So I waited until later that night, when the fog had cleared to just drop a, “you were awesome” into conversation. I got a slightly embarrassed groan and a “I was pretty drunk.” She clearly did not want to discuss further.

My dilemma is this. My (beta) inclination is to want to sit down and say, “that was awesome, for both of us, what made it possible and how do we do it again?” But one thing I have learned is that she HATES talking about sex. Ever.

I’m really starting to get a picture of someone who intellectually has been raised with all the feminocentric programming but underneath just wants a good strong man to drag her by the hair to the cave. I think this tension causes a lot of anxiety and even shame – which corrupts not only our ability to talk like adults about sex by I also think is the big inhibitor in getting her going in the first place.

But my big question is, was it the MAP or the booze? If it’s the MAP then I just keep mapping and this sort of action should slowly become the norm. But if was just the booze…..

Athol:  Imagine a scale of 0-100 of how interested in fucking you she is. The higher the number, the more she wants it.

Let’s assume you’ve been stuck at about a 30 for ages.

A couple days back you apologized / owned your shit. +10 and you’re at 40.

You dressed up nice +10

You turned on the charm +10

You have her friend laughing and being into you +10

You got a ton of drinks into her +20

Result for that one night 90 out a 100 on her scale. Fireworks.

So was it the MAP or the booze? Well it was a bit of both.

However, over the long-term you’re going to work on the structural attraction issues, that work every single day in the background and slowly get your baseline creeping up and up. So on any given day, you don’t have to jump through a dozen hoops to make it all happen.

I mean it’s fun once in a while to spruce up and paint the town red, but gets exhausting if that’s what you have to do every single time to get laid.

On the plus side though, that one night probably got you a +2 or something to her baselines interest in you. So if before the evening she was stuck around the 40 point mark, today she’s moved up to 42. So she’s starting to thaw a little. So while the whole night was a bit of a planned charm offensive and a bit of a trick, it all went well and gave you a little boost toward your long term goal of getting her overall interest up higher.

So all in all, worth the effort. You just can’t expect tomorrow evening you’re going to get her shrieking and squealing like she’s at 90 sexual interest in you.

Always well worth getting the relationship momentum heading upwards though.

 

 

Common Warning Signs Women Give of a Relationship Decline

Actually that’s a trick post title, there aren’t any common warning signs, there’s only one.

The sex starts to go away.

That’s it. That’s all you have to go on. You can fairly safely ignore all the words coming out of her mouth about the state of the relationship and simply focus on whether or not the sex is crappy/gone, or hot/frequent.

Marriage is always a sexual relationship. It can be a good sexual relationship, or a bad sexual relationship, but it’s always a sexual relationship. So if the sex is bad, your relationship is bad.

Unless you can point to clear reasons as to why sex isn’t happening, like she’s totally exhausted with breastfeeding a newborn, or her exam finals are stressing her out like crazy, or her parents are staying over and the walls are paper-thin, then you have a relationship problem happening. Note in all those things I suggested, they can all resolve and sex can bounce back. The newborn can get bigger. The exams are over. Her parents go back home. The sex comes back.

But if there is no bouncing back and your sex life is just crappy…  you’re in a bad relationship.

Any time someone says *everything* is going great about their relationship, except the sex, it’s a crock of shit. The relationship is a sexual relationship and the sex is bad so it’s a bad sexual relationship. Plus if you’re in a bad sexual relationship, so is your wife, so the clock may be ticking on a lot worse than simply you having to jerk off in the shower.

If this is all news to you and you want a good sexual relationship, you gotta buy the MMSL Primer and get the whole story.