Conditioned Resistance to Sexual Enjoyment in Marriage

Imagine yourself being subjected to sitting in a room and watching several hundred hours of TV programming that eating chocolate ice cream was wrong. Plus you’re given a mild electric shock every time you looked at the chocolate ice cream they put on a table next to you. After being led out of the room and told the experiment is over, how much would you be able to enjoy eating chocolate ice cream? Even if we told you that chocolate ice cream was great and perfectly fine for you to eat now? Even if we handed you a bowl of chocolate ice cream and said go for it.

I’m imagining that you aren’t going to be able to suddenly grab a spoon and chow into the ice cream like nothing happened. I’m imagining you’re going to hold that bowl of ice cream with an inner conflict between desire and anxiety raging inside you. You know it’s fine to eat it… but you just can’t.

So…

Assuming you were raised in religious circles and took their instruction seriously, you’ve very likely heard several thousand, maybe tens of thousands of messages to resist sexual temptation in one form or another. This teaching is well intentioned, and individual pieces of instruction are perfectly fine, but the sheer volume of the messages are overwhelming and have an effect.

There are some positive messages about sexual enjoyment, but the ratio of “NO!” messages to “YES!” messages are in about a 90% / 10% ratio. The overwhelming message is a default “NO!”

Even messages that are intended to be positive, say… “God designed sex for marriage and it’s a wonderful experience together with your spouse and all part of his plan for us…” still is received as a message to resist their sexuality to an unmarried person. So the married people get to have a rocking good time, but you young man… you need to just hold it… no no no, we didn’t mean literally hold it… we meant don’t touch, do or think anything about sex… for about another decade.

See how that positive sexual message to some is a negative sexual message to others?

So, after hearing tens of thousands of messages to resist sexual temptation in one form or another, you tend to become conditioned to resist enjoying sex. So even when sex becomes allowed by actually getting married, it’s hard for some people to let go and enjoy it fully. It’s like your Rationalization Hamster got brainwashed and instead of trying to find you sneaky ways of getting it on, it’s your own personal inner cockblock.

It’s this sort of programming that makes bizarre stuff happen from an evolutionary-psych perspective. Sometimes a man can game a woman over a few weeks and make better and better traction on her. Then when she decides she wants to have sex with him, she sets the scene for seduction and invites him over. There’s a little wine, a change into something more comfortable, privacy, a bed and that unmistakable look that says she’s available to him…

…and he says goodnight and leaves.

It’s not a moral decision that happened here. He’s actually incapable of having sex with her, the same way a little dog can’t run past the end of the driveway because of the invisible electric fence.

It’s the same sort of thing a wife can have with her husband, where he’s asked her over and over for her to give him a blowjob, the first of their three year marriage, but she can’t. She loves him, she’s attracted to him, she knows he’s getting deeply resentful about it, she wants to want to give him a blowjob… she just can’t. It’s dirty, it’s wrong, it’s sinful, it’s anxiety inducing. There’s the invisible fence in her mind stopping her. That’s why she always has a headache these days…

All your sexual pleasure and motivation is based in the Limbic System, aka your Body Agenda. It’s your Body Agenda that wants to get laid and played with. Your Neo-Cortex is your rational critical thinking center and doing it’s darndest to override the Body Agenda. Sexual enjoyment isn’t based on rational thought, it’s based on feelings, pleasure and emotionally letting go. So if you want to overcome your inner blockages to enjoying sex, there’s really only one way of doing so. You have to stop thinking about it and just start exploring your sexuality and defying your invisible fences. You need to break the rules.

Now some important caveats…

All that old time religious instruction isn’t all completely wrong. There are some serious pitfalls out there sexually and once done, it’s a case of what has been seen can’t be unseen. So my basic advice…

(1)  Limit all sexual exploration to you and your partner.

(2)  Small steps rather than trying to make big jumps. You’ve got your whole marriage ahead of you to explore things with each other.

(3)  Understand that only 30% of what you try is going to work for you both. You’ll fail more than you succeed. Just laugh about it.

(4)  Understand that fantasy is different from reality. Things you may never want to happen in reality may turn you on as a fantasy.

(5)  What happens in your bedroom is your business and no one else’s to worry about.

(6)  Don’t go from the ass to the vagina. Just… don’t.

(7)  Small amounts of alcohol are helpful once in a while when you try something new.

(8) Lubrication, lubrication, lubrication.

(9) Be open to doing things your partner wants to try that you have no interest in. Sometimes them really liking something is a turn on for you, and you end up liking it too.

(10) Understand that not everything is going to “work” the very first time you do it. Sometimes you need to try it a couple times to really get a feel for it.

It’s really a case of unlearning the “I’m not allowed because I’m single” conditioning, and learning the “I’m married now and this is what I’m allowed to do” conditioning. And yes, having some invisible fences in your mind isn’t a bad thing for married people to have. In fact you want some in each other. You want your wife to automatically react badly to some guy she vaguely knows sending her a picture of his dick via Facebook. You want your husband to feel uncomfortable when someone slips him a phone number. Fences are great, it’s just a case of where you want those fences erected. Keeps the bad stuff out and you can relax and play inside to your hearts content. You just don’t want to be all cooped up in a tiny area.

Also quite obviously not every religious person is uptight about sex with their partner, but some are, and this post is for them.

Too Much Information About My Orgasms

**** TMI Warning ****

Times change and so can your sexuality.

In my twenties the rule I gave to Jennifer was, “Touch the penis, make the penis happy.” Meaning that if she started playing with my cock, I 100% expected a progression to orgasm. Didn’t matter how that orgasm came about, but it really had to happen or she’d be trying to sleep next to amped up horny man who wasn’t able to sleep. Beware the Cockzilla.

Plus in my twenties my balls were off limits for touching. I got zero enjoyment from any ball fondling, instead just feeling physically uncomfortable like I was experiencing a 1% strength kick in the nuts.  Ass was fairly off limits too, just weird feeling, so no thanks unless you’re a doctor and I’m in your office for something specifically for ass related.

If Jennifer wanted to just use some lube and lay back while I climbed on top and had a quickie, that was a win. Athol tired. Athol sleep now…

In my thirties, the rule of “Touch the penis, make the penis happy”, remained in full effect. However my balls at some point became quite pleasurable during sex, most particularly from a very gentle tugging away from my body. Likewise having my ass played with started getting quite nice and prostate massages got me some amazing orgasms.

And still if Jennifer just wanted to lay back and let me have some fun for a quickie, two thumbs up from me.

In my forties, my balls have become something that simply have to be played with for me to get my best orgasms. They have also become receptive to slightly rougher play… I’m not talking safety concern BDSM porn rough, but Jennifer riding me reverse cowgirl and actually squeezing my balls… I think she does it gently but I don’t really know because holy crap it feels amazing and I get this deep full groin rush from it. I haven’t asked too many questions.

Ass play though for some reason has fallen away. Still do the prostate thing once in a very great while, but that’s about it. No idea why.

The most interesting thing though, is I have become highly aware of my body and emotional reaction to Jennifer based on how many days I am from last orgasming with her. The further it goes, the higher my sexual tension gets and the more romantically inclined I feel toward her. We really only discovered this by playing some edging games designed around a goal of me not cumming for several days to then cover Jennifer in a serious moneyshot. By the time I’d been bought to the brink of orgasm 2-3 times a day… for five days… I was all but deliriously in love with her. I would look at her like a cat keeping an eye on a mouse. I would become instantly, breathlessly hard from just kissing her. A ten second kiss would have me leaking pre-cum. I kid you not.

Suddenly “Touch the penis, make the penis happy” doesn’t work as a rule. Suddenly Jennifer offering to use lube and let me have a quickie isn’t appealing at all. Instead of it being loving and giving to me, it seems more and more like the dreaded Starfish position. Which really isn’t fair to Jennifer because she does cuddle and hold me and obviously likes it for what it is, she’s just not seeking an orgasm that night. It’s a sort of GFE Starfish lol.

So…

…after nearly eighteen years of marriage, we basically have dispensed with some of the old rules for a month long trial. No more touch the penis rule. No more GFE Starfish. Jennifer can edge me as often as she likes and I have enough control to let her dictate when and where the big booma goes off. I get amped up over a few days and the finale is beyond amazing compared to a day 1 romp. The caveat being that my control does have limits and if it goes on too long Cockzilla pays a visit and he’s short on conversation. And no… no stupid ass chastity devices or other bullshit, I do like splurting cum at Jennifer and she likes that too. It’s more of a timing and pacing thing now. It’s actually so wonderful to feel giddy in love again, I get this compulsion to hold her hand when we walk now.

But to myself in my twenties, what I’m doing now would have been utterly confusing to think about. I guess somehow we got… older.

Jennifer:  I remember the “please touch my balls” talk lol.  And I have to sometimes remind myself that the “touch the penis, make the penis happy” rule doesn’t exist anymore…it’s a mindset shift for me!  These are instances that illustrate the fact that things change over time, but if you don’t talk about them you’ll never know!  Don’t be afraid to tell your partner that you’d like to try something you’ve never wanted to try before! Plus I kinda like having the powah to summon Cockzilla…  

Check Check Check It Out

Following on from yesterday’s post

On the “Rule Out Medical” front, my advice to this reader was to really dig into the whole history leading up to and around the wife getting a hysterectomy. I.e., get thee to a doctor.

A few months later…

Reader: Hey Athol!

Took awhile to have enough info for a meaningful reply. The short recap was whether or not women can really have “low libido”. Wife had a hysterectomy in January. The gynecologist had placed her on a hormone patch immediately after surgery. Once we were through the healing period, I can say HORMONES ROCK! We went from sex every 7 – 10 days to sex 2-3 times a week. I had been worried about post-surgical vaginal dryness but the patch kept things wet when expected. If she forgot to replace the patch, she would get a little moody/bitchy. Sex would spread out farther. When the patch was off, she did not want sex and would be a real bitch. She even told me that she felt like this monster was inside her trying to say the most cruel things (when she was not on any hormones). In an effort to save money, my wife wanted to start using a transdermal gel instead of the patch. Sex went to once a week at best. Vaginal dryness became an issue. (Dry enough for her to say “let’s skip the fingering” when it usually “takes her there.”

In summary, I admit, sample size is only one, but my “study ” entailed a pre-hysterectomy, pre-menopausal 46 year old woman with no hormone supplement – low libido, infrequent sex, moody/bitchy/short-templered, adequate vaginal lubrication. Post-surgical with patch hormone replacement – libido significantly improved (closer to what it was 15 years ago), excellent vaginal lubrication, even-tempered (i.e. minimal bitchiness). When removed, she returned to low libido and bitchy. Transdermal gel – results were only marginally better than without gel – mild increase in libido, adequate vaginal lubrication and above normal moodiness/bitchiness.

So from this, I conclude: If your wife is mid-40′s she may, indeed have low libido AND moodiness due to hormonal ebb. GET IT CHECKED OUT. And also, if one type of hormone replacement does not seem to help, try one of the other types.

Thanks VERY much for your help! And by the way – the Forum was a great idea!  I love it!

Athol:  All this is a fabulous win. Ya’ll see how you can’t just “Game” a hysterectomy?

Plus now they both know the tune, his wife doesn’t have many excuses to use to avoid sex anymore lol. You’re welcome dear reader. You are welcome.

Anyway…

That’s right, I got Beastie Boys and post-hysterectomy hormone replacement therapy in the same post. I’m bigger than style bitches. I wore Ugg Boots once and started a craze. A drop of my sweat gets you laid for days. When I get a lap dance the stripper pays. I hit the juke box just right and the music plays. I’m p-p-pushing six k marital lays. But I sort the recycling just like she says.

 

Jennifer: Oy… he’s like that last paragraph in person. A lot. He is painfully slow at learning the recycling procedure lol.

Love, Beer and Chocolate Cake Theory 101

I got told today from a friend that I’ve successfully managed to destroy love. That once all is said and done, by tearing apart love into it’s hormonal and neurotransmitter bits, it’s all just not the same anymore. He wishes he knew his wife loved him for just him, rather than because he’s running the MAP and doing X, Y and Z.  I think there’s an element of truth to all that. It’s a little like I’ve explained how a magic trick works and now you don’t get to enjoy watching the trick anymore. The wonder is gone, the amazement is gone, the delight is gone.

Love is a little bit like eating chocolate cake. Everyone likes to eat chocolate cake and most of you showed up here hoping to get a slice. Instead you find yourself in a research kitchen where we mostly do stuff like tear chocolate cakes apart to see how they’re made. There’s discussion about flour and eggs and milk and how hot the oven has to be. Tips about greasing the pan and how to ice it. Writing about the shelf-life of chocolate cake makes people angry for some reason too. By the time we’re done, you’re all so sick of hearing about how chocolate cake is made, you’re starting to not want to hear or see another chocolate cake in your life.

Just give it a minute. It’s like you’re at the train station complaining it’s not very much like your destination.

Anyway…

…it’s all going to sink in and one day you’re going to just start throwing all the ingredients together. You’ll mix it just right and out it in the oven at the perfect temperature. The timer will ding and out comes this amazingly perfect chocolate cake. When you put it in your mouth, you aren’t going to taste Chocolate Cake Theory 101. All you’re going to taste is the delicious, delicious, chocolate cake. Warm, gooey and sweet. Nom nom nom nom.

The trouble is right now you’re not experiencing the end result of learning all this stuff just yet. You’re not at the end point of running your MAP. Right now it all feels like an abstraction and you’re also not getting all the love and sex and attention you want from her. So when you run your MAP and you find that level of interest you want coming to you, it’s going to feel good. The fact you have to do X, Y and Z to make her pay attention that way, is really no different than you having to turn the oven on to 350, use three eggs and exactly two cups of flour.

What you’re struggling with is moving from an unconscious relationship, to a conscious relationship. In an unconscious relationship “love” is the happy circumstance of two people getting along very well just doing whatever they do naturally when they are in a relationship. However people aren’t static and people change over time, what used to work perfectly well without trying, may not work so well over time. After a while it may even be counter-productive. Your relationship may be failing as “love” flickers out and dies.

That’s why you’re here, to unlearn what you were doing when you were unconsciously doing wrong and to learn what you were unconsciously doing right. It’s a lot of mental effort, but once you learn this stuff, you can consciously do what works in your relationship. There will be a lag between learning it, doing it and finally feeling it. But you will feel it.

It’s an amazing thing to learn all this. As I’ve said before, you are not some disembodied soul that is the “real you” riding around in your body. Your higher-level sapien brain is a late adaptation to work as a tool for your Body Agenda. Your brain and your body are one and the same thing, your body is the real you. Hormones and neurotransmitters carry information back and forth inside your brain like a big meat computer. The information is your thoughts and feelings. Thoughts and feelings are real world physical objects.

I know that’s a lot to mentally grasp, but consider that psychotropic medication comes in little tiny pills, and those little tiny physical objects when swallowed have the express purpose of changing the way people think and feel. If that doesn’t make your head spin I don’t know what will. Likewise, anyone who has taken a drink of alcohol has experienced the same change in mood and expression as well. You throw alcohol into a carbon based meat computer and it gets a little loose and playful. Add more and it gets mean. Add too much and it tries to eject as much alcohol as it can in a big old mess and then shuts down and reboots in safe mode. Beer is a physical object and is essentially a psychotropic medication in liquid form.

When you drink beer, you can’t choose to not be affected by the alcohol. You can choose not to drink the alcohol in the first place, but once you drink it, it’s in your system and will have an effect on you whether you want it to or not. Likewise, when you get to the end point of your MAP, and you’re finally with someone that loves you, has good sex with you and likes you, you’ll be affected by that whether you want it to or not.

Sigh… watch the Frenchman again people…

… and just enjoy the chocolate cake.

Edit:  And apparently chocolate cake was in my head because Helen Fisher said it first. Damnit!

Why Does Struggling To Make A Baby Sex Suck So Much?

Reader:  Just a thought for a potential blog post topic.

Making a baby the old fashioned way, by that I mean getting smashed and going at it like savages, is fun.

Making a baby because your wife is ovulating and the fertility clinic has pumped her full of hormones, not fun.

Been there, done that.  I’m assuming a variety of your readers have been in this situation.  Across the board, all of my male friends refer to “Pro-creation sex” as the most un-stimulating experience out there.  The intimacy and man/woman roles are somehow missing along with the satisfaction.

Maybe you could help explain why and how to attempt to make it hot?

Just throwin’ it out there.

Athol:  The issue is that it isn’t hot because it’s basically shouting that the person you’re having sex with is a poor choice of baby making due to the low fertility. Resulting babies are also more likely to be poorly fertile as well. Thus the entire display is extremely unsexy. Just having the thought in your head going around and around that “it’s hard to get her pregnant” is a mood killer in the extreme. If she was a one night stand you were never going to see again, your Body Agenda doesn’t worry about it. But if she’s your bonded partner and you’re going to spend time, effort and resources on the kid, you start getting as picky as a woman does about the genetic material being supplied from your sex partner.

When you’re doing it the old fashioned way and she’s highly fertile, it’s amazing because she’s such a great vagina to pour your semen into. Her babies are more likely to be good baby makers too. Very sexy indeed. Oh wow making babies sex with Jennifer was amazingly amazing.

Anyway, there’s no easy way to reverse it and make it hot when your Body Agenda hates the idea of it. Though if you ask around there are many stories of “We gave up trying to make it happen and just went on vacation and it happened!”

My suggestion would be plan ahead to plot when her ovulation should be, and plan for a night of sex then in a novel environment. Like a hotel room. Then separate for a few days beforehand. Someone go live somewhere else. Meet in the hotel room. Hopefully the damming up the seed turns into need and it all happens with more excitement. The separation creates a little added sperm competition boosting to the male as well. Also you can get away on a vacation and change the scenery a little.

Mostly though, don’t let her get away with being horribly unsexy as an approach. Her coming to you with a thermometer in hand, wearing sweatpants and demanding to be impregnated now, isn’t a sexual come on. Her bullying you into sex isn’t a turn on either. Tell her to go make herself look nice, wear something sexy, make it appear like she is trying to attract you. Otherwise you may as well be jerking off into a specimen cup and handing it to her.

And not for nothing, when women ovulate they tend to like a far more Alpha approach in the bedroom. Giving  her entire control of the sex that night isn’t going to make for good sex and likely decreases her chances of actually getting pregnant. Pull her hair a little and tap that ass well enough to make her not care if she actually got pregnant or not. Leave her stumbling incoherently out of bed for one ice pack, two Aleve and three pages in her diary.

Girl Game: Breast Implants Good Or Bad?

Reader:  Just a quick question …. Does Jennifer have implants? I have started working out and I know i will be ”perker” because of that. I love my breasts as is but I am 32 and wondering if a couple years down the road if a boob job is something a woman should consider to keep her number up? I know I am sexy my SO loves my body and says he wouldn’t want me to have it done but I also know he is a breast man. I am a nice B cup right now but wouldn’t a nice full C cup or even a nice D cup up my number? He has cheated in the past with a fuller chested woman and since finding your post and making personal changes to up my game he is bending over backwards for me and doing things for me he has never done. I take as much blame as him for his affair because I wasn’t keeping up my end i.e. Depressed, not taking care of myself, not believing in my own worth, not meeting all his needs and not making my needs important … So i feel like he is definitely more into me now but i wanna keep it that way… So are implants a way to up a females game?

Athol:  There’s so many different things happening here…

(1)  Does Jennifer have implants?

Jennifer does not have implants. We’ve had two scary mammogram results and associated biopsies and just no way we’d even consider putting in implants for fear of cancer. The biopsy pain and recovery was bad enough. Benign results both times thankfully.

(2)  …my SO loves my body and says he wouldn’t want me to have it done…

Translation from Manspeak into plain English - he doesn’t want you to get it done.

(3)  He has cheated in the past with a fuller chested woman.

This means nothing. He cheated with an available woman. If a small breasted woman made herself available to him he’d likely have sex with her too. It’s not about you. Being available makes girls far more likely to ride his cock than girls that are not available.

(4)  I take as much blame as him for his affair because I wasn’t keeping up my end i.e. Depressed, not taking care of myself, not believing in my own worth, not meeting all his needs and not making my needs important.

Well done. It’s fairly rare that the cheated on partner can see their part of creating the situation. I have some hope for you. You’re getting a free pass on me calling you Batshit Crazy at the end of this post for this display of honesty and introspection.

(5)  I am a nice B cup right now but wouldn’t a nice full C cup or even a nice D cup up my number?  So are implants a way to up a females game?

 The short answer is unless you can point to a serious defect to be corrected, I’d not advise it. If you have good B’s, keep them.

The longer answer…

Should the terrible happen and Jennifer gets breast cancer and mastectomies, I would think we would both want breast reconstruction to restore as much as possible of Jennifer’s appearance. I don’t think anyone would disagree with that move. The purpose being to correct a serious defect.

I spent some time today looking at breast implant before and after photos on plastic surgery websites. Hey it’s my job to research as many photos of breasts as possible and I’m serious about my work. Anyway… about half the photos were of reasonably nice A’s and B’s turning into C’s and D’s. But the other half of the “before” photos were of breasts that were rated “Owie”, “OMG what is that?” and “Dammmmnnnnnnn.”  So in all fairness, I have to say that for women with badly misshapen breasts, you will definitely get a Sex Rank boost if you have work done. There’s really not much question about that.

However if you have basically fine breasts and pump up the volume, it’s harder to say. Underneath a tight sweater, yeah your Sex Rank will improve. You’ll look hotter. Sorry ladies, just being honest. Once you have the clothes off though, it’s a little more of a question. If you have obvious scars, you’ll just have a damaged rack and lose Sex Rank. If the work was excellent and you didn’t go overboard, you’ll still have an increase in Sex Rank.

Once you’re doing the sexy naked time though it’s a mixed bag at best. You may have a loss of sensation in your breasts, so that’s going to reduce your sexual response and that’s bad for Sex Rank. He may just find them fake and unnatural feeling and that will kill his interest.

But….

The most important reason not to get breast implants is that it flags you as the type of girl that gets breast implants.

“In 2008, the longitudinal study Excess Mortality from Suicide and other External Causes of Death Among Women with Cosmetic Breast Implants (2007), reported that women who sought breast implants are almost 3.0 times as likely to commit suicide as are women who have not sought breast implants. Compared to the standard suicide-rate for women of the general populace, the suicide-rate for women with augmented breasts remained constant until 10-years post-implantation, yet, it increased to 4.5 times greater at the 11-year mark, and so remained until the 19-year mark, when it increased to 6.0 times greater at 20-years post-implantation. Moreover, additional to the suicide-risk, women with breast implants also faced a trebled death-risk from alcoholism and the abuse of prescription and recreational drugs.[23][24] Although seven (7) studies have statistically connected a woman’s breast augmentation to a greater suicide-rate, the research indicates that breast augmentation surgery does not increase the death rate; and that, in the first instance, it is the psychopathologically-inclined woman who is likelier to undergo a breast augmentation procedure.”   Wikipedia.

In short, surgically altering perfectly healthy breasts to try and please a guy that previously cheated on you is Batshit Crazy a little nutty…

…but then you knew that already.

Jennifer: Oh hell no.

Female Orgasm: Who Cares?

So what’s more important in getting your wife to be able to orgasm when you’re having sex together?

Is it…  Longer foreplay, or longer intercourse?

Well according to The Journal of Sexual Medicine Volume 6, Issue 1, pages 135–141, January 2009, the answer is in fact longer intercourse.

Hat tip to Badger for sending me the link, and lulz to Danny who would no doubt answer my question with “Who cares?” and has thus given me a controversial post title that draws female attention and yet does not give away the answer to the question being asked.

ABSTRACT Introduction. It has been asserted that women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm (her orgasm as a result of sexual activities with a partner) is determined by duration of foreplay, but not by duration of penile–vaginal intercourse.

Aims. The objective was to examine the extent to which women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm is associated with duration of foreplay, duration of penile–vaginal intercourse, and age.

Methods. In a representative sample of the Czech population, 2,360 women reported their consistency of orgasm with a partner (from “never” to “almost every time”), and estimates of their typical durations of foreplay and of penile–vaginal intercourse.

Main Outcome Measures. The association of consistency of partnered orgasm with typical durations of both foreplay and penile–vaginal intercourse.

Results. In univariate analyses, consistency of partnered orgasm was more associated with penile–vaginal intercourse duration than with foreplay duration (consistency also correlated negatively with age). In multivariate analysis, foreplay ceased to be a significant correlate of partnered orgasm consistency (the exclusion of respondents reporting a penile–vaginal intercourse duration of 1 minute or less did not alter the results).

Conclusions. When both sexual activity categories are examined in tandem on a population level, women’s likelihood or consistency of partnered orgasm is associated with penile–vaginal intercourse duration, but not with foreplay duration. In contrast to the assumptions of many sex therapists and educators, more attention should be given to improve the quality and duration of penile–vaginal intercourse rather than foreplay. Weiss P, and Brody S. Women’s partnered orgasm consistency is associated with greater duration of penile–vaginal intercourse but not of foreplay.

So what does that all mean? Should you stop all the foreplay and jump right to the P-in-V?

Well not exactly…

Personally I like foreplay just because I like people with boobs and find it pleasant to nuzzle them, put my face in between them and go blub-blub-blub. I don’t think it’s going to shock my readers to learn that I like having my cock sucked and played with before the joyous coitus I so richly deserve. The joke I used to tell Jennifer was that I was going to treat her like a postage stamp… first I’d lick her and then I’d stick her. So yeah, we like the slap and tickle under the duvet so to speak.

But what you need to understand is that your wife’s orgasmic response is related to your ability to be an Alpha in the bedroom. Part of that Alpha response is taking your time and enjoying yourself with the P-in-V. Or coming from the other direction… it doesn’t matter how long the foreplay is, she isn’t going to be very orgasmic with you if you’re a minute man.

Some of this is straight Time Before Writing programming. The village Alpha is going to enjoy as long as he likes with a woman because no one is going to bother to challenge him as he does it. A lesser male might be trying to get it done before another male tries to catch him with his pants down. You can see this same thing in the animal kingdom in many species as the lesser males on fringes try and get in and out as quickly as possible to avoid a confrontation with the real heavy hitter males. The stud males just take as long as they want.

The shape of the human penis is designed to create a small amount of suction inside the vagina as it’s thrust in and out, the purpose being to displace a rival’s semen. So the longer a man can keep up the thrusting, the better his chances are with being the one to father a child with the woman.

The other issue is that men having sex infrequently tend to have more semen stored up inside them, which creates a greater sexual tension and a faster progression to getting to the ejaculation part of their day… week… month… leap year. So they have greater need and less sexual skill, which are both signals to the woman that he’s not a particularly impressive male . There can be a vicious circle of lack of sex begetting yet more lack of sex.

Also there’s just a basic fitness issue at work for some men. I suspect some fat guys ejaculate at the one minute mark, because at the two minute mark they’d have a heart attack.

And song break…

Solutions…

Oldies but goldies. Get physically fit. Get some practice with self-control. If that means you have to practice jerking off and knowing exactly when your orgasm is going to hit and learn how to change the stimulation to make it last longer, then do that. Have more sex with her and/or unload the gun before jumping into bed with her.

If you’re getting close, make the call for a change of position. The 10-15 seconds to get her from one position to another can help you reduce how close to orgasm you are a good deal.

If you’re getting close and you can pull it off, you can tell her to finger herself to orgasm while you hold fairly still / periodically thrust.

You can also just pull out and go down on her again, or finger her to another orgasm, before climbing back on her.

Once you get a proper sense of exactly how much intensity you can handle, you’ll find there’s a certain level of intensity of thrusting that will have you on a “cruise control” where it feels quite good, but doesn’t start up the final ramping up toward orgasm. It may only be 5- 10% difference in vigor that’s the difference between you orgasming in ten minutes, and you orgasming in two minutes.

And as a final caveat… at some point a woman just doesn’t want you being inside her anymore and wants it to be over. After a certain point pleasure turns into pain and it stops being fun. You can always ask her to tell you when she wants you to come. One of the things Jennifer and I do is have her riding me cowgirl… a position I can last forever in if I want to… and when she wants  me to cum, she climbs off me and we do a short, sweet and rough missionary finish.

Jennifer: I feel like Goldilocks. This intercourse was toooo short. This intercourse was tooooo long. But this intercourse was juuuust right. Athol is a cross between a labrador puppy and a groping octopus…and I like it that way.

Sin or Misery: Birth Control

Before anyone says I hate Catholics simply because I’m atheist… no I don’t. Really I don’t. I have some pretty pointed criticisms of “the church” as an institution, but I’ve known and liked plenty of Catholics in my lifetime. Pre-Jennifer I’ve even dated Catholics, fondled their breasts and found it pleasing. I disagree with what you believe in obviously, but I don’t have a pressing need to turn you to the dark side. I don’t team up with atheist buddies and go knocking door to door asking people if they would be interested in visiting the planetarium.

However…

If you write to me and say you’re a Catholic in a sexless marriage, primarily because your wife is terrified of having more children, that’s when I start experiencing a pain in my right temple that travels behind my right eye and makes it twitch a little. Then I’m going to say something like “Ahhh… have you considered birth control?”

When I suggest birth control, please then don’t explain-to-me-more-slowly-that-you-are-Catholic-and-cannot-use-birth-control-and-need-a-different-answer-that-you-can-actually-use. I know that, I was purposely suggesting that you stop being miserable and start sinning a little. I know, I know, that’s clutch-the-pearls-immoral for me to suggest isn’t it. (I’ll let you into a secret, the devil and I do a session together on Sundays to discuss ways of being more evil. I’m not going to say how much I charge him though.)

Look being completely objective about this, if you have a religiously based cockblock stopping your sex life from being happy, then that’s the cause of the problem. Your options are either to do some fancy bible study to find a way to approve what you want to do sexually, dump that particular aspect of religious belief (which is exactly what 98% of Catholics in America do on the birth control issue), or dump the religion completely. But more religious activity, more church attendance, more prayers, more giving, more pleading to God to make the misery end, isn’t going to solve your sexual problem. More of the cause of the problem isn’t going to be a solution.

Look I want to help, really I do, but I can’t fix this sort of problem. I’m also not going to pretend to you should just trust in God to provide and say you’re well overdue for a little bareback doggystyle either. Because from my point of view, suggesting that would be immoral. I just want everyone to have an enjoyable sex life and married people to enjoy being married. When your choices are either sin or misery, and sinning makes you miserable, you’re miserable either way. Is that not a terrible cruelty to have programmed into you?

 

Very Dangerous Over Short Distances

In theory I’m off work today… so I can write productively.

Youngest has a touch of conjunctivitis so there was a call to the doctor to get a script. Racing to the pharmacy to pick up the script and then the patient teaching portion of the medication regime. So all very much like I was still at work being a nurse to teenagers. Bleh.

I did manage to make a detour into Goodwill as I’m a book hoarder and you never know what you find in there. It’s the books I didn’t know I was looking for that I seem to find there. Back home youngest showed little distress at the loss of a school day and was her usual angelic self and immersed in YouTube and the wonders of Avenged Sevenfold. Frankly avenging sevenfold seems a little excessive to me though, I mean a really thorough avenging should pretty much only need to be done once. Or does it sort of start slow and build up from each of the prior avengings? So say if someone murdered your wife, the first avenging is just pointedly parking them in at the grocery store, the second avenging something like prank calling their house at 3am for a whole week and by the time you’re up to the seventh avenging you’re doing stuff like holding them hostage and making them eat their own small intestine? That would be badass because by the time you’re up to the fifth avenging they’ve got to be seriously freaking out about what’s going to be coming after that. I might do six avengings and then just hold on the seventh… thus leaving them forever in the terror of imaging what the seventh horror would be.

So anyway, like I was saying, I went and got my youngest her eyedrops and some peach iced tea. I got some books from Goodwill. Youngest all happy on the computer and the sun was hitting the carpet in the dining room, so I pushed the chairs back out of the way, got a pillow and pretended to be a one of the cats. I read some of the book, but basically passed out asleep on the floor for about an hour and a half. Middle of the day napping somewhat unusual behavior for me.

I’m hungry and want to be petted. The sun moved and no longer hits the dining room floor. Why am I tormented so?

Didn’t write nuffing. Nuffing all day, and that’s okay.

I’m acutely aware that telling someone to improve half a dozen critical areas of their life, many of which may well take a couple years to complete, is a long exhausting mamoth task. MMSL is a marathon, not a sprint. So you can’t bust a nut and get it all done in a few weeks. You have to keep it all long consistently for your best results.

Added to that, a great deal of being sexy is simply having a lot of energy. The life of the party that all the girls want isn’t usually the guy that’s nursing a beer in the corner mumbling “I really cannot take it anymore. I’m so wasted from X Y and Z.”  You’re meant to be cocky and funny, not cranky and… and … dammit look I can’t think of a word that rhymes with funny so I can say “You’re meant to be cocky and funny, not cranky and [brain-failure]“ because I’m so f-ing tired and I can’t think straight.

So here’s the questions of the day. What gives you energy? What drains your energy?

The more you can do that gives you energy and makes you feel happier, the better off you are. The less you can do that drains your energy and makes you feel depressive, the better off you are. I get that there’s no instant magical fix for these things, you just have to try and make progress on righting them as you go.

Serendipitously the book I was reading was called, “Do What You Love, The Money Will Follow.” From the introduction… bolding mine.

“I write of this so that, at the outset, no one thinks I am suggesting that material rewards immediately flow out of the leap of faith which is to do one’s right livelihood. The reason the books title contains the phrase “The Money Will Follow” is precisely because we must do the work first, invest of ourselves first, seed faithfully in the small, stead, incremental ways of our chosen work first, and then – as a harvest of abundant crops naturally follows the seeding, watering and constant caring process, of seeds – the fruits of our efforts result.”

There is no quick fix if you have major structural problems in your ability to attract women. But you really can apply yourself and make things better over the long term. But it’s hard work some days more than others, and some days you just have to call in sick to yourself and take a nap.

Frantic. That’s the word I was looking for. You’re meant to be cocky and funny, not cranky and frantic. FML.

 

Is My Online Flirting Addiction Immoral?

Reader:  Hi Athol, Long time reader and fan. I’m in my mid-30s, married, very happy and very committed. I’m a strong alpha with my wife, and she loves it.

I have a secret addiction: flirting with girls online. I do it all the time. It makes me feel good and strong, and helps me keep up my game, at least verbally. I have many girls online with whom I flirt constantly, and even engage in explicit sex chats with sometimes. None of these girls know my real name, and I’ve never met any in person – and I don’t think I would. To me, it’s something akin to Interactive Porn. So it’s not physical cheating (I’ve never met any) and it’s not emotional cheating (I don’t actually have a real emotional relationship with any of them).

My wife and I don’t have sex too often. But I get seriously turned on by the excitement I get from flirting with these other girls.

I’m not worried about getting “caught” because I’m good with the privacy and technology and boundaries. But I feel like I’m doing something wrong, and I feel like I should stop; but I can’t help myself. The problem is not practical but moral, in my mind. And it’s not obvious to me if I’m doing something severely wrong and I should stop, or if I’m not causing any harm to anyone so it’s okay to continue.

I’m not quite sure what to do. I’d love to hear your suggestion; I value your opinion a lot, Athol. Thank you.

Athol:  Ironically you’re writing to me unworried by the practicalities and worried about the moral issues. I pretty much approach things from the other direction. People get themselves all sorts of tripped up trying to create and maintain a moral framework that often simply isn’t workable in reality. It’s often far easier to find out what works in practical reality as the greater good, and then say it’s the moral thing to do.

Most things that are really fun are potentially addictive or in some way damaging if done to excess. Rather than being the all purpose Fun Police and stamping out all enjoyment except for 1950′s chaperoned formal dances, my general rule of thumb is that “It’s not a problem until it’s a problem.” Flirting itself isn’t a problem, I mean I flirt quite a lot in real life and generally run the “Goofy” part of my “Goofy and Groping” game on everyone. But you’re basically emailing me to tell me there’s a problem with your flirting routines… so whether you want to say it’s a moral issue or not… you know there’s a problem of some sort here.

So rather than getting mired into this activity as a moral issue at the start of the process, let’s look at things from a purely practical point of view and ask the key question…

Is this activity helping you get what you really want from your marriage?

My hunch is that all the excitement (dopamine) you get from this activity means you don’t actually really engage with your wife all that much. Which means she isn’t really responding to you sexually because you’re basically not tripping her wires all that much. Thus not that much sex. Which is probably what you really want and is the need you’re trying to meet by going online and doing this activity in the first place.

Which makes the whole thing a vicious cycle of wasted effort getting you what you don’t want. Bingo! We found the problem.

I suppose you’re going to want a solution now…

My basic solution would be for you to stop this activity that isn’t working to get you what you want, and start trying to engage with your wife, the same way you engage with these women. It’s not going to be an instant fix and will take a solid month of stopping the old behavior and starting the new one to rewrite your way of thinking.

 

It could also be helpful to have a discussion with your wife about you feeling under-stimulated and needing to do something more fun and engaging. I wouldn’t blurt out exactly what you’ve been doing up until now, but it’s certainly not a bad idea to state what you actually need from her.