Age Gaps are a Relationship Stress

There’s a fairly well known average age differential in marriages where the husband is about 2.5 years older than the wife. Humans have a mild Sexual Dimorphism with the males growing bigger and stronger than the females and full mating maturity takes a little longer for the men. The rule of thumb being the bigger the males get than the females in any species, the more important male on male violence is to win female sexual interest. Which is the only reason football exists. The girls may have no interest in watching football, but they are interested to know who is on the team.


Average age difference is about 2.5 years older for the men. In more MMSL related terms, the male Sex Rank takes a little longer to build and the female Sex Rank is weighed towards the younger model.

Most couples are going to clump around the average and have normal age spread between the couple between about zero and five years in favor of the husband being older than the wife. So a married 35 year-old man for example, usually has a wife aged anywhere between 30 and 35. That’s going to be a mildly positive effect on the relationship. He’s a little older and it’s easier to lead someone younger than you, so there’s a nice built in Alpha dynamic there.

I know it sounds trivial, but all the little milestones like turning 40, if the husband hits them first… there’s this tiny sliver of knowledge and experience he has over his wife. It’s just a tad easier being Captain when you’re a little ahead of your wife.

However, once you start spreading the ages apart much further than that, it starts becoming increasingly a negative factor the further you get. Whoever is the older partner, must bring a more focused game to the table to maintain the relationship interest of the younger partner.

Take for example a much older man than woman. Say a couple meets when he is age 40 and she is age 25. She cute and bubbly, he’s in shape and has some cash and game. They marry. The 40-year-old husband though, had to be able to be competitive with age 25-30 men (her normal age cohort of interest) in order to win her attention. So he’s had to bring some serious skill and likely just straight up resources to the table. In fact she probably wasn’t immediately interested in him, but he won her attention. She’s probably said, “I didn’t think I would go for an older guy, but….” and then fill in the blanks about why wonderful Mr. X is the exception to the rule.

However, Mr.X is always going to have to remain competitive with men 10-15 years younger than him, to maintain her interest in him. So when he is 55-years-old and she is 40-years-old, he’s still having to act like his competition is 40 to 45-year-old men. Which as time passes, is somewhat of a risk. If Mr. X at age 55 has a major reversal of fortune in either finances or health, he’s quite likely going to have trouble maintaining his wife’s attraction. He must always be on top of his game.

Likewise in relationships with a woman who is older than the man, similar stresses exist. If he is 30-years-old, and she is 35-years-old, her competition for his attention are 25 to 30-year-old women. Thus she must always keep herself in excellent shape, pay attention to maintaining a youthful appearance and generally be pretty pleasing in the sack.

If you’re eager to tell me a story about a hot, sexually insatiable older woman, that’s just making my point. Men barely even notice women older than themselves unless they ooze sexiness and look great for their age. 35-year-old men don’t swap stories about obese 48-year-old women who wear granny panties. A totally put together 48-year-old who swallows, is down for anal and threesomes… well maybe.

There are particular risks for the older woman though. I’m very often seeing the younger man, older woman situation develop, because the man has some sort of limitation with women at the time the relationship begins. Whether that’s just terrible skills in meeting women, some sort of childhood issue unresolved, a lack of understanding his value in the sexual marketplace, it doesn’t really matter. In short, he has a problem. The risk for the older woman is that at some point… he solves it.

So say a couple meets when he is 23-years old and she’s 30-years-old. He’s not the greatest with women, she’s got some experience and makes it easy for him. He’s kinda broke and she’s established. He’s a little lost and she grounds him. It’s all good, because she’s good for him. But if when he’s 35-years-old, his life finally clicks in place, he’s in shape, his career is going well and he learns a little game…. well he’s solved his problem… he can fairly easily pull the interest of 30 to 35 year old women… and she’s 42-years-old. In that situation, if she has any weaknesses in her game, things can unravel rather quickly.

So… what to do?

Well if you’re already in a relationship and you’re the older one… you’ve absolutely got to bring your A-game. It’s no different than any other relationship, but the margin of error is smaller. You want to be with the young hottie… you gotta keep the young hottie interested in you.

If you’re getting into a relationship with a major age spread, it isn’t an automatic ruling out, but you do need to go into it with eyes wide open. Is this something that can be sustained over the long term?

Also if you’re getting into a relationship with a major age spread, is the relationship only interesting because it’s solving a problem for you now, that you will eventually solve anyway? Thus reducing your need for your partner over time, or possibly even encouraging them to sabotage you fixing it?

Plus for normal age distribution couples…

The way women out live men is always a concern for the endgame years. It’s no fun living alone for the last decade of your life. Mutual good health is always a priority in a marriage.

So yeah… kinda depressing to read and think about it I know, but knowing your Relationship Math can be the difference between an easy marriage and a hard one.

MMSL Causes Erectile Dysfunction… Wait. What?

Reader:  So this is going to sound like more first world sex problems, so if you don’t want to hear about it stop reading now.

Things continue to be amazing. We have had a truly epic ovulation week. We have had sex everyday for at least 8 or 9 days sometimes multiple times per day. Mrs. D has been very affectionate, flirty, horny and up for pretty much anything. I’m not going to go into all the details but suffice to say I am very satisfied.

So what is the problem? Well last night I couldn’t get it up. Actually I was able to get it up with some work, but then the baby started crying and that killed it. I just gave the Mrs. some oral and called it a night.

I’m 33 years old, I’ve experienced alcohol and drug induced ED, but this is the first time I’ve ever just not been able to get it done while being stone cold sober. Possible contributing factors that I can think of are; all that sex from the week leading up to last night including the attendant lack of sleep, a BJ to completion yesterday morning, being tired from Krav Maga class yesterday evening.

Is this just something that happens sometimes when you have this much sex? Or is it something that I should look into? I feel like Im too young to go on ED meds, and I don’t want this getting into my head and causing further problems. Any tips?

Athol:  Maybe the tale of Sooty the Guinea Pig will make you feel better…

A guinea pig called Sooty had a night to remember after escaping from his pen and tunnelling into a cage of 24 females.

He romanced each of them in turn and was yesterday the proud father of 43 offspring. Staff at Little Friend’s Farm in Pontypridd, South Wales, have now secured Sooty’s pen – and begun looking for homes for the guinea pigs. Owner Carol Feehan, 42, said: “I’m sure a lot of men will be looking at Sooty with envy.

“We knew that he had gone missing after wriggling through the bars of his cage. We looked for him everywhere but never thought of checking the pen where we keep 24 females. We did a head count and found 25 guinea pigs – Sooty was fast asleep in the corner. He was absolutely shattered. We put him back in his cage and he slept for two days.”

Anyway… It’s totally normal at that level of sexual activity to hit the wall where enough is enough.

Basically the more cum inside you waiting to come out, the hornier you are and the faster you get aroused. So after 8-9 days of endless sex… you’re basically “pulling so many buckets of water out of the well, the well is starting to run dry.”

Also after you orgasm, your dopamine drops and your prolactin level rises, and that’s a factor in shutting down your interest levels too. Basically as far as your body is concerned, you’ve blown a ton of cum into her, so she’s well and truly full of your cum, so you can take a nap now.

Anyway… relax, nothing to see here. All completely normal. Have a protein shake and keep your fluids up. Let your body recover a little.

That’s about it. You’re fine.



Porn Addict Husband Turns Wife Down For Sex

Reader:  I’ve spent over $3K on counseling (couple and separate)and read every Christian and secular marriage book and kinky sex tips website (not that I needed any) but your site has gave me more insight into what is actually happening in our relationship and how I feel and things I’m doing wrong.

So- my husband was an English teacher when we met, he didn’t graduate until he was 30yo, I had a fairly successful self employed career and was divorced with one kid. We dated for 10 months then accidentally got preg. I did not want or mean to get preg or married. We had 2 kids back to back, he was laid off from job and so I have been the only income for almost 3 years. He agreed to get a job once unemployment ran out- about 10 months ago. He’s not looking.

I know this because I put a tracker on our computer because we don’t have sex. It started out as 1 time a week and has moved to once a month. I figured early on it was because I was preg. Then I lost all the weight and initiated and told him I wanted wild crazy, loving, any kind of sex.  I have heard every excuse in the world to its me, him, kids, job, etc.  He had always looked at porn. That’s one reason I put the tracker on I couldn’t figure out why he didn’t want sex. I was never opposed to porn before, I was like that’s cool and that’s hot. Hell, I have offered 3somes for him. Anyway, he always lies about the porn, I will make it obvious that I’m taking off work and want one on one time and he will look at it before them and not be interested afterwards. This has happened countless times.

Ok- SR I think we are fairly equal. Not sure. He’s says I’m a 10 for my age-36 an an 8 for overall. I get hit on by hot fit 20yo. And women lol. I’ve been holding on for 4 years, last 2 are killing me. I need/ want sex/love with my husband and I want him to want me. He says he doesn’t. He is very beta acting in some ways and only alpha in a passive aggressive way.  I have became alpha in my ways because who’s going to take care of things????

I also can’t trust him with $ because of gambling problem and just very irresponsible things like selling his car that I paid for for gambling debt or getting loans with no intention to pay back! I have realized that I have been extremely focused on my career and am trying to pull back and be a better beta wife in the way I talk and treat him. But I can’t live like this much longer. I haven’t had an affair  but really want to just have that release and closeness with somebody. (To be wanted) All thoughts are appreciated and I appreciate cruel bluntness :)


Athol:  Okay here’s the deal… you’re simply “talking to the addiction” rather than to him. Internet porn is like “rock concert loud” on the dopamine receptors in his brain and essentially deafens him to further stimulation… unless it’s also “rock concert loud”. So you offering him sex just isn’t “loud” enough to get through to him.

It’s very common for wives with porn addicted husbands to jump through all kinds of hoops trying to get his sexual attention – lingerie, toys, more porn, date nights yada yada yada… and getting still near zero response. Usually the wife gives up and then the husband just has zero impulse to break free of the porn further and it all cycles around again deeper and deeper.

The gambling and the porn use are also linked addictions. There’s sort of an addictive bubble where cutting back say on the porn, would suddenly make him want to gamble more… and cutting back on both… would make him want to do something else new and addictive. Both sex/porn and gambling are powered by dopamine and he needs crazy amounts of it to feel just normal. So there’s no easy solution where you just can talk him out of being addicted, you have to really take action and force him to make a decision to work on things.

Or in other words, you have to play things into a position where losing you is a bigger deal than losing the addiction. So you basically need to run the MAP toward an ultimatum where he dumps the addiction or you punt him. Basically right now he sounds fairly dependent on you, so a firm “Option A or B” dicussion with divorce papers on hand to sign for Option B might work very quickly. See Chapter 27 in the Primer for a run down on the approach. Porn addiction and an affair are dopamine powered so neurologically it’s not really all that different of a process you’re trying to break up.

Sounds harsh, but it’s about the only way to get there.

As a potential follow up to an Option A where he chooses to work on the marriage: I’m increasingly liking the idea of using Wellbutrin as a band-aid to get through the withdrawal phase of the addiction (and/or affair recovery for the cheating partner). The primary action being to increase dopamine and norepinephrine… thus supplying a controlled dose of what they got from the addictive behavior, without actually having to perform the addictive behavior itself. Wellbutrin also doesn’t cause sexual side effects and can even increase sexual function as well. Plus the norepinephrine can act as a kick in the pants energy boost.

Porn is an increasingly complicated issue. I personally don’t have a moral problem with it, but it does seem that there’s a crap ton of men (and women) that get addicted to internet porn. It’s all a good time until your dick starts failing to stand up straight in the presence of your wife. There is a link between excessive porn use and erectile dysfunction.

Also, come join the forum. I seem to be having a sudden influx of “Porn Widows”.

Also is an important resource.

The Talk. The Awkward, Awkward Talk.

From the forum…

WastedYouth: No way around it. it’s got to happen today. And it’s a 5 year old girl. Everything we did with or boys doesn’t seem to have any application here. They were 8 or 9. She’s only 5 and she is much more curious and tenacious with having details explained. HELP ME PLEASE! Anyone have the talk with such a little one? She crawled in bed with us this morning to snuggle and said, “How do you do sex?”. Which seems to be a much more complicated question than “What is sex?” Husband jumped up and PANCAKES! And she said, “Daddy I really want to know.”. So we ‘re eating pancakes and told her we’d talk after football. I’ve got about 5 hours to figure this out.

Athol:  Well the trick to really good pancakes, is you just have to accept that the first batch you make isn’t going to be very good. You just make enough batter so you can toss that first batch and then keep cranking them out.


Look I know it’s weird, but if they ask, they asked… so just tell them the truth. You don’t need to go into gory detail, just stick to the basics and don’t act like you want the ground to open you up and swallow you.

The boy bits go into the girl bits. There’s a decent chance that a baby will  happen. Baby grows in the mommy. Nine months later baby comes out. It’s an adult thing. Yes it seems weird now but it’s also enjoyable when you’re older. It’s fun, it’s good, it’s wonderful with the right person.

Anyway… maybe it’s just New Zealand that just rolls with it… we had a cartoon strip in syndication called “Footrot Flats” where on of the lesser characters was a sheep called Cecil. A male sheep. A male sheep with big dangling balls and yet sexual reluctance…

…I guess somehow we all figured it out quickly and easily in a farming nation. And YES I’m completely serious, that cartoon strip was in newspapers nationally.

Oh and make sure they are asking the actual “Where do babies come from?” question.  When they ask “Where did I come from?” sometimes the answer they are looking for is more mundane… like “Nebraska”.


Stopping Cold Turkey and Dead Duck Stupidity

Oy, twice today I’ve had psych medication drama and questioning and turned into a nurse again automatically. It’s like I’m a sleeper agent and the KGB phoned me up and said the control word or something.


Issue One:  If someone suddenly stops their psychiatric medication cold turkey… you should expect them to start feeling completely terrible and having behavior and mood changes. Basically if they really need the medication, it’s because they are to some degree crazy. So all that crazy is probably going to come back, plus coming off the medication so suddenly means you’re going to get… ahhh… “Crazy Blowback”.

Yeah I just made up Crazy Blowback as a term. Shit gets real here lol.

You can’t force them to take medication… well that’s not entirely true, you can force them to take medication, it’s just a “human rights violation” and after a while they wise up to why you’re giving them pieces of cheese wrapped in bacon three times a day.

What you should do is immediately inform the prescriber of the medication being stopped. They may want to see them promptly to evaluate them, or they may want you to dial 911 depending on the situation. Sometimes, depending on the medication and the dose in question, they just say, “Okay, just hold tight and observe them, it shouldn’t be that bad.” Whatever the advice is, that’s the advice and you should feel reasonably confident it’s what you should do.

Like any other situation, if they become violent, aggressive, threaten self-harm or harm of others… then 911 can be called, and/or transport them to the Emergency Room. Also in some areas you can call Mobile Crisis – normally it’s a 211 number – and you have a psych responder sent to the house to evaluate them, which if you have it is often the best option.

Issue Two:  You decided they didn’t need their psychatric medication… and you flushed it all down the toilet.

This is called you being a total dumbass at best, and abusively cruel at worst.

Oh actually that’s not true…

If you happen to destory your spouse’s controlled medication – and plenty of psychaitric medications are controlled substances – that’s you performing a criminal act. When your spouse calls their doctor up to get more of the medication, they aren’t going to be able to get any more of it… at least not without throwing you under the bus… which frankly they have every right to do. After that it’s up to the doctor / pharmacist / police as to how it all plays out. Stressful, huh? Want an Ativan?

So yeah… not expecting to hear back from that guy…

And for the record, I am extremely hesitant to feel comfortable about anyone being on psych meds. I think they are way over prescribed, but some people really do need them and like a rollercoaster, you need to wait until the ride comes to a full and complete stop before popping the seatbelt and trying to get off the ride. Being on the meds is always the lesser of two evils.

Carry on.