Toilet Seat Up Or Down?

Reader:  An update and a question…
The wife has continued to attend Mass and 12-step meetings. We have been seeing a lay couples counselor associated with the diocese. Much less conflict and drama, and she apologizes for her previous behavior. She is now willing for us to move 60 miles to the city where I work, which will give me an additional 2 hours/day that I now spend on the highway.
The past 6 months have been just about the best 6 months of the marriage. It still upsets her when she thinks about how I “walked out” on her 6 months ago; though I am convinced that we’d be stuck in the same rut if I hadn’t done this, I don’t rub her nose in it. Now my focus has to be on maintaining a proper alpha-beta balance in the future, rather than lapsing into beta behavior and needing an alpha “explosion” to get things back on track.
Now the question – might be one for your blog. What is it with women and leaving the toilet seat down? Her justifications are:
1) “If you leave the seat up and I sit on the toilet in the dark if I get out of bed at nite, I could fall in,” but she gets annoyed even if she finds it up during the day; and
2) leaving the seat up communicates “disrespect.”  It feels like a shit test, but it generates a lot more heartfelt feeling than I would expect a shit test to generate. Do you have any insight into this?
Athol:  In nursing school we were taught about the aerosol effect of toilets flushing fecal matter into the air and getting poop all over your toothbrush. So high five everyone for doing some ass-to-mouth twice a day. No more complaints about life not being kinky enough okay?

So seat down and lid down to flush. Ya’ll are nasty.
Also leaving the toilet seat up angered my mother during my childhood and I have been the target of extremely well executed behavioral program to leave the seat down. So even though my mother lives nearly on the opposite side of the planet from me, I remain careful not to offend her. One never knows when she may arrive unannounced for a quick inspection and complaints about the quality of American tea. (Which she rates between “Questionable” and “Nun’s piss.”)
Honestly though, this one is trivial and isn’t worth fighting the battle. Put the toilet seat down without prompting and tell her that it’s the way you signal you’re interested in having sex that day.
Oh and big up on reigning in your wife. Knowing the extended history I would have sworn she would have gone the full Batshit Crazy on you. Getting her into a 12-step program is truly tremendous news.
Jennifer: Eeeeeeeeeeewwwww……

Ignorance Is Bliss (But Facebook Can Fix That)

There’s a double standard because the sexes are very different around the studs vs. sluts issue. In a general sense I advise both the man and the woman to have as limited of a sexual history as possible. I believe that’s been a massive benefit to Jennifer and myself and our happiness. However I also advise very strongly that you need to be assured that you have a good sexual chemistry together before you get married. I can tell you dozens of horror stories of those that have deeply regretted waiting until the wedding to experience sex with their spouse.
In the comments frequent and appreciated commenter Doug1 said:
I think it matters VASTLY more that the prospective wife have a fairly and ideally quite low partner count for lots of reasons. I think it’s actually better for the prospective husband to have a good lot of sexual experience. It’s better for the captain first mate dynamic if he’s teaching her some things sexually, from a starting point of her having lots of hunger and enthusiasm.
To which my reader Technical Virgin emails me both quotes and asks:
I read somewhere that every sexual partner a guy has before he’s married reduces the likelihood of sexual satisfaction in his marriage. Also, you’ve mentioned the insecurity issue of being with someone who’s had a lot of partners. Kind of seems like a big risk for a virgin to take–increased chance of infidelity and serious insecurity in the sack?
What say you Athol? Should virgins hold out (even longer haha) for a guy with a low/no number, or do the virgin and the Mr. Many Experiences have a shot at happiness?
Athol:  It’s basically a case of having a low sexual partner count for both the woman and the man, seems to create longer lasting and happier marriages. It is a bigger effect for women, than for men.  That being said, these are simply influences on outcomes and not destiny. There’s double-virgin horror stories and slut+stud successes.
The old joke is that you can’t make a ho’ a housewife, and neither do I think you can easily make a player a stayer. I can see how some sexual experience under a man’s belt makes him look good to women in a general sense that he can actually attract women, but after a certain point it all becomes a little bit icky doesn’t it? Once a guy is up in the 20+ range you have to start wondering how rancid some of those holes were.
Also in this day and age, there’s actually zero reason to need prior partner experience to know some sexual skills. This is not 1950 where a teenage boy could only imagine what a girls naked breasts looks like unless he managed to convince one to take her top off. There’s books, DVD’s, toys, websites and enough porn freely available on the Internet to crash the computers on the Starship Enterprise. I mean you thought Genghis Khan saw a lot of pussy…
Half the fun is discovering things together and trying stuff out. Bedsides that, not all women are the same and what works for one doesn’t work for another. It’s the practice together that makes things really click. Prior experience might get you through the first dozen times together more easily, I’m not sure it matters at all after that.
And yes I completely get that “banging everyone” really sounds like fun. I’m not immune to wanting to do that either. Trust me on that account, I write a freaking sex blog, I’m horny as a goat eating three square meals a day of horny goat weed. But at the end of the day, when we’re together, it really is special to me that the only woman I’ve really been with is Jennifer. It’s also special to her that it’s true as well. There’s a mutual cycle of appreciation for being each others only, it helps bond us together and create a sense of what we have is special. So when we talk about having sex every day together, I think all that plays a serious part in our success. When the double virgin strategy works out well, it works out really well, it’s just not newsworthy so it seems a lot less visible than it really is.
If I had sexual experiences with more women, I know I would very much enjoy them in the moment as I’m not shy about body parts or technique. But I’m not convinced that I would be as happy as I am now as a whole if I did that. In any case, Jennifer can get me off amazingly well and it would take months to train someone else to replace her. She gets better and better too, her latest trick is after a lot of foreplay getting me off just by squeezing her vagina on me. I think the correct term for that is ninjutsu.
Plus the insecurity issue isn’t exactly limited to “Am I the best she’s had?”, because any serious prior lovers, or even Beta Orbiters never go away anymore. You’re always one Facebook search away from her old boyfriend private messaging her. You’re a pre-paid phone from Wal-Mart away from her sending naked photos of herself back to him. Old flames can burst into an inferno very quickly. Marriages have their ups and their downs and old lovers emailing her during a down can turn into critical incidents.
The stats I heard on the radio one morning driving to work late last year was that Facebook was now credited as a factor in 30% of divorces.
So yeah you can certainly try it with Mr. Many Experiences, it’s just a influence on outcomes, not destiny.  Ultimately the best target for both sexes is someone that clearly has a good sex drive, that can contain it to one other person.

What Do To If She Miscarries

Just a quick add on to my recent pregnancy post – mostly because I didn’t want to drag it down with this stuff.
Sometimes she loses the baby and miscarries.
As soon as you get that news, no matter what you are doing, or where you are, or how important it is… you make an absolute beeline for her and push the limits of social nicety to do so. This really is an emergency situation as she is in a deeply disturbed state of mind and anything trivial can be blown up into major drama over years. You really do NOT want to “finish off your shift” and get to her four hours later when you could have been there in 30 minutes, not unless you want to risk having “he wasn’t there for me when I needed him” burned into her psyche forever.
When you get there, all you need to do is (1) be physically present, (2) hold her and (3) run interference and block anything other than other than people that genuinely care for her too and want to also be doing (1) and (2).
You don’t really need to say anything. There’s no words that can fix it in that moment, and only words that can make it worse. If you tell her anything, tell her the (1) (2) (3) plan.
It’s going to be a little while until she recovers from this. Her needs for comfort are going to be extreme, so dial up the Beta and ride out the wave of grief.
If she asks why you aren’t crying, tell her, “Someone had to be strong for the both if us.”
Jennifer’s first pregnancy was easy as pie. She miscarried her second pregnancy about a month after she knew she was pregnant. I can’t remember how long she cried, but she pretty much broke down and sobbed in my arms every night for a good 5-6 nights in a row. Even after that she was still drifting along unhappy. In all seriousness I just decided the only thing I could really do was get her pregnant again as quickly as possible and that pretty much played out to plan as she fell pregnant again on her next cycle. I am the Baby Sniper after all. (One Cumshot, One Medical Bill.)
If I have any words of advice and comfort for couples that miscarry it’s this…
It’s less traumatic to say you had a miscarriage and leave it at that, than to do the whole naming your baby, building a shrine and treating the expected delivery date like an actual birthday thing. Doing that can make it all far more vividly real and more painful for you and much harder to let go.
Your body has it’s own wisdom and counsel. You will likely never know the reason the miscarriage happened, but you can have some small faith that your body knew what it was doing. Between Jennifer and myself we now have about 37 or 38 years of experience in the developmental disabilities field. Please take our assurances that while there really are quite fun and happy disabled people with rich lives that defy your expectation of what a limit is, there are also disabled people that live quite tragic existences too. Plus to be quite blunt, it is a rare couple that has a seriously developmentally delayed child that does not ultimately divorce.
But like I said earlier, if she miscarries…  it’s probably best to just shut your mouth and hold her.

Sex Is Designed To Be Enjoyable

Athol:  I’ve had a hard time writing today’s post. It all started with this comment left a few days ago…
Dex:  Athol – you might consider also building on the success of MMSL by translating it into Christianese and marketing to churches. I bet you still speak the lingo…
Athol:  I ended up writing a very long post addressing that question, and it’s a great post, but frankly probably only myself is really interested in it. So let me cut out all 1500 words and just get to my Jerry Springer “final thought” on that question…
…once I start cloaking myself in Christianese and “crossing the border” into Christendom, I’m doing so in what many will assume as a covert manner and with evil intentions. Eventually someone is going to be seriously pissed about that, and there will be retaliation. I can cross the border as an Atheist “diplomat” wearing my shiny Atheist uniform with my Science Fair badges pinned to my chest, but I cannot cross the border as a “spy”.
Even more importantly, I simply detest pretending to be something I’m not.
So I let the post rot in the editing folder all day and answered email questions, determined not to write about anything religious in nature.
A few hours ago though, I got an email from a guy in a twenty year marriage. He and his wife are Christians, involved in ministry work for at least some of the time, and he’s basically going batshit crazy because the sex is so awful. Everything apart from lights out, her lying still, quiet sex is right out of the picture. I’m not talking “vanilla sex”, I’m talking bleached and bland instant rice sex. (I just made that up, I don’t even know exactly what “bleached and bland instant rice sex” is, apart from not wanting it.)
It’s not the husband’s fault either. He had pictures in the email, and pretty much has a A+ body. I mean I’d tell him to run the MAP but, great body, 100k+ earnings, house broken, mix of Alpha/Beta, I got nothing much left to tell him. The problem was very clear, she was just highly sexually negative. She could pop out three kids, but it seems kinda like the end justified the means rather than it was something enjoyable for her. By the husbands own statement, he was deeply resentful of “all the Christian teachings on sex”.
But I walked away from the computer just kind of annoyed about it all. If I say something, I’m a religion hating atheist. If I say nothing, I’m not helping anyone. So far not even 2% of my “religious issue” emails hit the blog as a post.
And then I go all Jimmy Neutron and it snaps into focus for me.
When you are born and growing up, your sexuality is a blank slate in terms of your beliefs and socialization, but your physical body is designed to enjoy having sex. So your basic default orientation is going to be that sex is a positive and desirable experience. Unless you have some sort of physical fault that makes sex painful or unpleasant, you’re going to like having sex. If you’re inexperienced at sex, it won’t be crazy wonderful good sex, but you will like it and feel good about it.
So if you don’t like sex, if you think it’s nasty, dirty, disgusting, wrong, bestial, sinful, degrading or frightening, it’s because you have be taught to think that way about sex. And to overcome your own body’s design to find sex the most enjoyable experience possible for a human, that training either needs to be systematic purposeful education to crush sexuality, or as physical sexual abuse as a child. And with deep regret, I have to say that parts of the church specialize in both.
So yes I am angry, and you should be too. And I know and appreciate that vast numbers of Christians are just as angry as I am about these issues.
So whether or not you believe that God created our genitals to vibrate with glorious pleasure during sex, or you think evolution and sexual selection has resulted in extremely pleasurable incentives to propel your genes into the next generation, it doesn’t matter that I am… well… right. Because either way, sex is meant to be just fucking fantastic.
But most of you already know all this, so please bear with me while I try and reach that tiny minority of MMSL readers that don’t.

/clears throat, climbs up on soapbox and strikes a heroic orator pose…

If you find sex with your spouse nasty, dirty, disgusting, wrong, bestial, sinful, degrading or frightening, then you’ve been fed horseshit and told it’s chocolate your whole life. Your right to grow up and experience a normal healthy sex life has been stolen from you. You have been knowingly lied to. It’s also destroying your marriage as your partner dies a little inside every time you flinch from them.

/steps off soapbox to sounds of a recording of thunderous applause

If that makes me an angry religion-hating atheist, then so be it.
There is, however, hope. It’s never too late to learn to enjoy your sex life. Your bodies are designed to experience pleasure, so almost as soon as you stop trying to repress that natural instinct, you can start to discover a whole world of enjoyment. It will take some time to unlearn the old things and enjoy the new, and you will have to experience feeling uncomfortable and weird as some of the boundaries fall away, but it’s possible. I’m not talking about having a threesome on the pitchers mound in Yankee Stadium, I’m talking about married couples getting it on in their bedroom… or on the trampoline in the backyard with an oversupply of blankets hiding them from the passing cars.
Or put another way…
…if you think you’re going to go to hell for giving your husband a blow job, what do you think your husband thinks he’ll be getting when he’s in heaven?

Jennifer: It’s all true.  It’s really okay to like (okay loooove) sex with your husband. What he wants most is you being excited to be naked with him.

Game Doesn’t Work For The Morbidly Obese

This is part of a longer exchange with a reader, so there is no one question I’m answering. The short version is crappy sex life, she’s moody and on anti-depressants. Here’s a few snippets and responses.
Hi there, some of this is going to read as very harsh, I’m just trying to be utterly realistic.
“As far as her attraction to me, what I can say when we were in high school was that I was the friend while she was dating someone else.  I was the listener of the problems and suggestor of actions.  I guess I had some game going then that I didn’t realize and she dumped her very alpha boyfriend for me.”

My immediate reaction is that she was dumped by the other guy, but told you she dumped him. Your role was being her Beta Orbiter and emotional shoulder to cry on. She was turned on by wrestling guy but whatever happened there didn’t work out.

“On the sex front, it never has been something she has seemed super interested in.  In fact in some of our conversations in the last several months she has said it’s just not a big deal for her.  Bummer for me, as that has left me rejected and hurt after many failed attempts to initiate sex throughout our relationship, which has caused a lot of the resentment I spoke of.  I now am starting to see my role in it as well, so it’s not an “all her fault” thing.”

She might very well be interested in sex, just she’s not attracted to you, so she says she “isn’t interested in sex very much.” because she doesn’t feel sexually turned on around you.

 

“As far as sex rank goes, I would have to put her at a 7. She would likely rank herself a 5.  If she were at the top of her game I could see and 8, even possibly a 9.  If I rank myself I would go for a 5.  My guess is she might rank me higher but I really don’t know.  She’s 5’4″ and ~160lbs.  I am 6’1″ and ~290lbs.”

A female 7 just doesn’t want to have sex with a male 5. If she’s a potential 8 or 9, she’s likely depressed because she’s even in a relationship with you. Family factors play a role too, but it’s likely just her default setting to head to if things aren’t the greatest in her life.

In terms of the anti-depressants, they very likely aren’t helping her sex drive at all, but the good news is that having her sex drive nerfed is very likely what is helping her stay in a relationship with you. If she was feeling horny and sexy, she’d dress up nice to an 8 and very likely be going out to bars and/or just straight up cheating on you.

Right now the number one thing you need to do is get control of your physical fitness and health. 290lbs is very heavy and repulsing her sexually from you. She may not be able to consciously think that, or admit it to herself, but it’s true. You can try all manner of Game and whatever at 290 lbs and very little of it will work. Doing the exact same stuff once you are at 200-220lbs will have very different results.

You’re in a deep hole to dig yourself out of if you are 2 points of Sex Rank below her. In all seriousness, give yourself two years to work yourself up to being on par with her. All you have to do the first year is loose weight and get fitter, seriously, that’s your #1 goal and action step right there.

“It is just very difficult to maintain any consistency when she has these severe ups and downs.  Today is a big down day, and she’s just going to be pissed, nothing more about it.  It makes my job much harder, because trying to run the show sends her into a tirade, however standing back and waiting for her to come up with an idea pisses her off too.  And when this happens the poor kids are often stuck right in the middle.  She thinks I treat them too harshly but when she gets like she is today she is way worse.  So, how do you “swat her on the ass” to get her to back off in a way where she doesn’t swing around and kill you with her laser eyes?  I’d like to gain insight on how I can start working those situations in order to avoid the loose-loose.  As Kirk would say, “I don’t believe in a no-win scenario,”  I just haven’t learned how to reprogram the simulation yet.  Yes!  Two Star Trek references in the same sentence!”

You can’t control her behavior. Her good day or bad day isn’t = to you having a good day or a bad day. Define your own good or bad day as to whether or not you got your exercise (or planned rest days) in appropriately.

“Speaking of Alpha and Beta, it is strange enough trying to employ these traits in proper balance when she is stable, but doing it when she’s not stable is something I am having a great deal of difficulty working with.  I have a hard time not just coming off as an asshole all the time.”

Right now your Sex Rank is below hers, so you don’t really get to make many demands in the relationship. The entire Alpha Beta thing is going to be very ineffective with you at 290 lbs, but increasingly effective as you get into shape. As an example, swatting her on the ass now would probably anger her, but when you’re 200-220lbs or so, it might turn her on.

So yeah I’m a broken record… lose the weight, lose the weight, lose the weight.

your motivations to exercise are many…

(1)  Your health.
(2)  Your kids are growing up in a family setting that can be improved.
(3)  Your sex life.
(4)  By focusing on her depression rather than your needs, you are empowering her depressive behaviors and weakening yourself. It’s a lose-lose outcome.
(5)  You have a random time limit to get this done. She may simply decide to reach for the divorce option and be done with it. That could be next month, or five years from now. The standard red flag that this is starting to come close is her getting interested in being physically in shape.
I don’t have any carrots bigger than those. There’s really nothing much to talk about, or think about over much for a while on this one. There are other factors at work here and things you can do to solve them, but trying to will be ineffective now. Just hit the weights and get into action.

Natural Family Planning

I’m getting a ton of questions about Natural Family Planning these days. I must have gotten mentioned on a Catholic website or similar somewhere, because I’ve never written about it before now. So here goes…
All forms of birth control, including Natural Family Planning, are extremely effective when done correctly. The weakness in any method, is the users who are hard wired to try and find ways to get pregnant, or get someone pregnant. It’s the “one time” you forget a condom that just happens to line up with her ovulation. It’s her flushing the birth control pills each morning. Even something like a Depo-Provera shot, you would think it’s pretty much foolproof, but it’s always possible to miss an appointment to get the next shot.
Or as Dr Ian Malcolm says, “Life finds a way.”
So while Natural Family Planning done correctly is extremely effective, it is also one of the most wide open methods of birth control to allow life to find a way. Ovulation does skip around a bit. Right when she’s most horny is when you’re not supposed to do it. You don’t have any other form of birth control available on hand to cover the moment of weakness.
I’d also mention that Natural Family Planning is the most perfectly created system of “birth control” to allow a husband to be cuckolded. It purposely keeps the husband’s semen well clear of the vagina during her fertile period, and a lover would be unimpeded in impregnating her. In this sense it is completely unnatural and major display of weakness for a husband to take part in. If she’s ovulating, you’re totally meant to be filling her vagina up with your semen.
That being said, the wives all crazy for Natural Family Planning are typically highly religiously motivated, and one hopes that they are likely to stay faithful if they stay true to form. They are also highly likely to have traditional values and want to get pregnant anyway. So ahhh… wife will find a way.
So anyway, my hunch is that if you’re in a Natural Family Planning relationship, the wife is pretty much running the show as she has total control over the sexuality of the husband. If you’re a husband, you’re having reduced frequency of sex, and having more children than you probably want. So all in all, a woman all excited for Natural Family Planning, is probably fairly questionable as a wife choice for a highly sexed guy.
Which is not to say you should rule out Catholic women as a whole… from Wikipedia…
Catholics for a Free Choice claimed in 1998 that 96% of U.S. Catholic women had used contraceptives at some point in their lives and that 72% of Catholics believed that one could be a good Catholic without obeying the Church’s teaching on birth control.[53] According to a nationwide poll of 2,242 U.S. adults surveyed online in September 2005 by Harris Interactive, 90% of Catholics supported the use of birth control/contraceptives.[54] Use of natural family planning methods among United States Catholics purportedly is low, although the number cannot be known with certainty. In 2002, 24% of the U.S. population identified as Catholic.[22] But of sexually active Americans avoiding pregnancy, only 1.5% were using NFP.[23]
Or put another way, it’s a religion/Catholic thing that most religious/Catholics think is weird/stupid. Not sure how else to spin that. If you’re a husband in a Natural Family Planning marriage, my advice is to simply assume that you’re going to become a father in short order and repeatedly.
Jennifer: All birth control methods have side effects and negatives, it’s simply a case for shopping for the one that works best for you as a couple.I’ve always done well on birth control pills, so we’re doing that. If I wasn’t, we’d find another option. Likely a Copper IUD would be our next option.

Don’t Model Sexual Dysfunction

Reader comment on Church Lady and Orginial Sin.
Reader: Now, there is one slight technical matter I will address. I feel Athol’s description of semen buildup may be overstated. I am not a doctor, and can only speak from my experience. I have a very high drive, and masturbated near daily from puberty until just a few years ago. I had a desire to quit in my early 20s, as I could tell it interfered with having sex with my girlfriend. However, as I only saw her once a month (different city), it was simply too long in between, and I continued masturbating unabated. So far, this fits with Athol’s description.
However, around the time I joined the Church, I finally managed to quit. Since then, I am not having sex, I am not masturbating, but I have only had wet dreams very sporadically, with 6-8 month gaps. It is not like I am lacking in stimulation, as every weekday I am on a college campus full of attractive women in the 18-25 range, and I also see and touch (just hugs, kisses, and back massage, no sex) my fiance every day who I am very attracted to. So, to make a long story short, while infrequent sex with your husband will definitely increase the probability that he masturbates, it is not a physiological guarantee in the way Athol says.
Athol: I think you’re confusing a good thing, with potentially a quite bad thing. Masturbation is normal sexual behavior and designed to remove aging sperm from the male in order to allow room for fresh new sperm/semen.
What you’re essentially claiming is that your body no longer produces any particular volume of semen. Going 6-8 months between ejaculations is highly sexually dysfunctional, and while you see this is as a good thing, there may be an underlying medical issue at work that makes this feat even possible. Most men only having that level of sexual function, would be going to doctors to try and find a fix to the problem.
Like most things, the old saying of “use it, or lose it” applies to sexual fitness. You are laboring under the assumption that once you marry, your physical ability to have sex will return to a normal level of sexual function. It simply may not happen as you hope, or it may take a few years.
I can very much assure you that women react extremely poorly to male sexual dysfunction in their first few sexual encounters with a man. Wives dealing with a broken cock husband in the opening of the marriage, may simply not care to stick around for too long at worst, or have it set a tone of a negative sexual pattern that continues into the marriage.
I strongly recommend you find out if you are still capable of producing sperm of any volume and find out if you’re now also having a fertility issue as well. Not having night time ejaculations makes me curious as to if you have an orgasmic disorder as well, or simply a total lack of semen production.
My very strong advice to your fiance, would be to not marry you until she could be assured of your ability to return to normal sexual function.
Jennifer: Seriously. OMG.

Wives Denying Sex and The Porn Firewall

Here’s the situation…
After several months or a few years of his wife denying sex, the husband ends up seeking some kind of sexual solace in using porn to masturbate to. Typically he carefully hides this activity from his wife, because he knows the reaction it will get.
Sure enough though, eventually he slips up and she discovers the porn. Whereupon she reacts just the way he knew she would – with a huge explosion of rage. Porn, it will be explained to him, is demeaning to women, disgusting, immoral, wrong, disappointing, revolting and hurtful. It’s also very likely to be explained to him that his use of porn has now put the relationship back several steps, just as she was starting to feel like she could open up to him, but of course now she can’t, and it’s all his fault.
Thus The Porn Firewall is created.
Now I’m not mindlessly for or against porn. I can see benefits and concerns about it, and I do understand that many people have acute moral and religious concerns about it. But lets’ save the debate on the ethics of porn for another day and focus strictly on the direct effect The Porn Firewall has on the sexless relationship.
In a sexless relationship where the wife denies the husband, she’s reneging on the core agreement of the relationship and thus defrauding her husband. The defrauded relationship will only continue for as long as the husband allows himself to tolerate the situation. The primary unmet need of the husband is for sex, and this is typically drip fed to him by the wife with the express minimum to keep him engaged in a relationship with her. In short, he acts like a drug addict, and she acts like his supplier.
The unmet need for sex is a powerful impulse, and to keep a physically healthy male in an intimate relationship, but deny him sex, requires a heavy hand of control. Him actually sleeping with another woman and ending the relationship is a serious concern, but it’s also a big bold step for him to take. When he uses porn though, it’s a smaller less serious event, but it’s easily seen as a stepping stone to ending his sexual reliance on her, so she smacks it down as hard as she can. After all, if she lets him get away with using porn now, maybe in a few months he’ll be bold enough to push the limits a little further and visit a strip club, or meet someone for coffee, or start fantasizing about kissing someone else. After that it’s all a slippery slope to him meeting someone really serious and an affair starting, or him just leaving and filing for divorce.
It’s an old behavioral technique to smack down hard on a person making a minor infraction, to intimidate then into never even considering a major infraction. It’s exactly why when I went to high school most teachers would routinely yell at you to tuck your shirt in and straighten up your uniform. Late to class wasn’t even really an option, let alone talking back to a teacher.
Thus while The Porn Firewall will be framed as a moral issue, but the purpose of the Porn Firewall is to control the partner that wants to have sex through shame and intimidation.
So the question becomes what do you do when faced with with a screaming ball of feminine rage over possession of a small supply of rather vanilla boy-girl porn. I’m thinking something along the lines of “Take your pants off or shut up.” about sums it up the response. That will of course make her go absolutely ballistic, but then that’s what people do when you start breaking free of their control. So mission accomplished.
But importantly, before you push something like this to a showdown, make sure you’ve started the process of making yourself the best version of you possible. Ideally your Sex Rank should be higher than hers to do anything like this. If you’re a 5 and she’s a 7, the lack of sex is directly related to your lack of hotness relative to hers. A 5 husband sparking a porn showdown with a sexually denying 7 wife is going to end up a loser in the debate every time. Work your way up to a 7 or an 8 and it’s a much different set of outcomes you’re looking at.
If you don’t think “Take your pants off or shut up.” is going to work for you, try this one. “No.”  Then just let that hang in the air like a zeppelin of awkward.

Delayed Ejaculation: When He Just Can’t Orgasm With You

I had a long email from a woman who has what she believed was a unique problem. Her boyfriend couldn’t orgasm with her. He could orgasm normally while masturbating, and he was very clearly interested in her sexually, and in fact he was very pleasing to her sexually. The best lover she ever had… just no orgasm for him… nor anyone else in his sexual history. There was an obvious smoking gun in his history though – at age 13, he learned that he was the product of a rape. Which I think has to have been a bit of a mindfuck….
Hi there,
it’s called Delayed Ejaculation and you are not alone. I’ve had another woman write to me with the same issue, so it’s not unheard of to me and I’m sure if you start searching online with “delayed ejaculation” as search terms, you’ll find a ton more information.
I think in your boyfriend’s case the explanation is simple, at age 13  he learned about him being a product of rape and that scarred him psychologically. He’s physically fine if he can masturbate to orgasm several times a week, but he’s made this mental block of something along the lines of “I’ll never get a woman pregnant, and I can do that by not ejaculating with her.”
What he’s essentially done is “toilet trained” himself to “hold it” until he can get to an appropriate place to masturbate. It’s exactly the same thing as people who can’t use public bathrooms to poop, and they just hold it until they get home. They say they “just can’t” and have no real explanation for it beyond that.
So my suggestion is to is to have your boyfriend stop masturbating. The purpose of this is to build up semen inside him and make him increasingly trigger happy when he has sex with you. At some point, his physical need for release will just become too great and he won’t be able to hold it any longer. Male sexuality is a plumbing problem as much as anything; the more pressure built up the harder it wants to blow something out and ruin the carpet.
It’s essentially the same idea of denying someone a bathroom and telling them they have to pee on themselves. The will hold out for a long time, but if they keep taking in fluids, eventually they just have to break their conditioning and pee on themselves.
If this behavior of losing control with you and having an orgasm is repeated enough, it should become the new conditioning he becomes used to. Over time it should get easier and easier for him to orgasm with you.
This approach did prove effective with my other reader. Though I caution you that it did take around nine months before they had success. Mostly because they didn’t both buy into the idea fully at first, and because he repeatedly masturbated without her knowledge and lied to her about it. He was extremely avoidant about dealing with the issue and from the beginning I suggested getting a male chasity device for him, but neither one wanted to try it.
A few weeks back she wrote to me at her wits end and I again painstakingly explained to her he was lying to her about not masturbating. Once I convinced her she was actually heartbroken about it all and I believe she gave him a “short sharp directive” after that email. Eight or nine days after that I received a quite pornographic email in return describing a blowjob that resulted in the mother of all cumshots. Still trying to be avoidant, he actually tried stopping the blowjob twice, but she forced the issue and got covered in goo as she desired.
So anyway, that’s just one idea of the few that are out there for trying to fix Delayed Ejaculation. If it works great, if not, try something else. Do expect a little bit of a bumpy road, but it is possible to change this. Ironically, what we’re actually trying to do is teach him that you’re his cum-dumpster. Though I mean that in the sweetest way.
 

Testosterone Drop With Marriage And Fatherhood

I’ve been sent this link by half a dozen people, so I’m raising the white flag and posting it lol. Fatherhood Leads to Drop in Testosterone
Some selected bits…
Testosterone that most male of hormones, takes a dive after a man becomes a parent. And the more he gets involved in caring for his children — changing diapers, jiggling the boy or girl on his knee, reading “Goodnight Moon” for the umpteenth time — the lower his testosterone drops.
Scientists say this suggests a biological trade-off, with high testosterone helping secure a mate, but reduced testosterone better for sustaining family life.
The lowering of their testosterone did not prevent the men in the study from having more children. “You don’t need a lot of testosterone to have libido,” Dr. Kuzawa said.
“If guys are worried about basically, ‘Am I going to remain a guy?’ ” Dr. Worthman said, “we’re not talking about changes that are going to take testosterone outside the range of having hairy chests, deep voices and big muscles and sperm counts. These are more subtle effects.”
Testosterone does a boat-load of different things for males, so a drop in testosterone doesn’t automatically mean your penis suddenly turns into a vagina. It can simply cut back on a few areas that testosterone was used for.
There’s also a step down in testosterone after getting married as well. So marriage and then fatherhood is two steps down in testosterone.
My hunch is that a lot of the risk-taking and aggression elements in men reduce on getting married and then becoming fathers. Essentially risky behavior is aimed at finding and winning a mate, and then once you have a mate, you body plays a more conservative strategy and calms you down and makes you more responsible. It’s one thing to do some exciting dangerous crap to make the girls squeal and pay attention to you. It’s another thing to do that when you have pussy waiting at home.
However I would tag testosterone as far more associated with the Alpha Traits than the Beta Traits. So a drop in testosterone can indeed lead to an unconscious drop in Alpha behavior. Then once you add kids into the mix, you tend to need to play more of a comfort role and thus you natural attend to the Beta Traits. Along the way that Alpha drop and Beta gain turns into full fledged Betaization.
The solution is to be conscious of what is happening. You don’t need to have an overload of testosterone to consciously pay attention to doing some Alpha stuff. If you find yourself hooked on watching the Knitting Channel, maybe it’s time to break it up a little and find a channel with monster trucks, naked tits and needlessly large explosions with minimal plot development.
By all means do the Beta Traits, you have to if she is going to be comfortable with being in a relationship with you. Just pay conscious attention to having some male interests and not folding up and bowing to her every whim.
However if you do have very low testosterone, read over Hypogonadism and see if that’s you. If so, off to the doctor, you can’t game a medical condition away.