Vasectomy Killed Her Sexual Interest

Vasectomy ghost story just added to the comments on Vasectomy Causing Loss Of Wife’s Sexual Interest?

Julie:  I’m in my forties and I have had about 5 different partners, from my early 20’s until recently that have had a vasectomy. SEX IS MASSIVELY DIFFERENT with a man who has had a vasectomy and I would never be in a long term relationship with anyone with one for that simple reason.

It doesn’t matter how gorgeous he is, how aching the chemistry is between us, or how deeply the feelings of emotional love run between us. Hands down, my vagina feels an absence of spark, of feral-ness, of hit-that-mark urgency from him that is all part of the delicate dance of banging with an undercurrent to get pregnant while not actually wanting to get pregnant. It’s a game of sorts and the more virile the man is – meaning he has sperm and can get you pregnant – the more hot the components are between us for sex. Take away that driving force, that risk even subconsciously and you have little more than an animated dildo attached to a man.

I don’t care how many people will bash me for this, but I honestly thought it was me with my first partner. We had an amazing sex life and he was the love of my life [in my twenties]. We actually chose to go and get a vasectomy together because our sex life was deep and he was afraid of pregnancy. The love was deeper as we went on but the feeling, the intensity of sex greatly diminished. We had other issues so I attributed this to those other areas. my next partner was someone I had dated a few years earlier and we were very hot. In the years since I had seen him, he had gotten a vasectomy. Again, a noticeable lack of the spark that once pulled us together.

It would be years later when I would have another partner who had one, I was in my thirties then and again, assumed I didn’t know what I was talking about. The same thing, the sex just wasn’t the same as it was with someone who didn’t have a vasectomy. I too, was excited at the prospect of limitless sex without worry of pregnancy until it became noticeable that I actually wasn’t drawn to have limitless sex with my partner. It just wasn’t the same.

Now, I’m in my 40’s and in the last 5 years have dated several men who had vasectomies and had not told me. I could tell right away. It’s a shame really and I think that any man should seriously consider this element before diving off the deep end and cutting out the cro-magnon drive we’re all wired with to have sex to begin with. As for me, I personally am not willing to give up my primal love of a man who is intact and with the driving force of sperm and the risk. My body knows the difference between the two and I’ve made my choice.

Athol:  Again, just to be clear, as far as I can tell, there’s been zero research on the effect of vasectomy on marriage outcomes and relationship happiness. All we’ve got is stories such as these to go on. All I’ve got is a hunch that all is not always right with the Big V.

Julie does however touch on a point that I’ve thought as well. Some women, despite saying they don’t want to get pregnant, and really not wanting to get pregnant… need that little bit of added stress to sexually respond to him. I’d imagine it’s the difference between having a loaded gun and an unloaded gun pointed at you, when you know the gun is unloaded. The loaded gun is going to create a far greater response in your body… you’re heart rate will kick up and you’ll move into a flight or fight state. An unloaded gun will only be mildly concerning.

However some people are so stressed out by the mere sight of a gun, that knowing it’s unloaded is the only thing that makes even having it around tolerable. Likewise some women are so freaked out by the idea of one more kid, that their sex drive shuts down rather than risk another. Knowing he’s been snipped would likely be an improvement in overall stress and sexual functioning for her.

What we really need is some sort of study where women rate male dating profiles on attractiveness, where the sole difference is whether they have a vasectomy or not.

Anyway, if you’re going to do it, research the hell out of it. It is for me however something where I’d rather stop having sex than have someone chop bits of my sexual anatomy up. Not for nothing, but I also use my balls and dick for things other than fucking.


What Energizes You Is Alpha

Working on your attractiveness / marriage / weight / business / finances / whatever it is that you’re up to…

…isn’t a sprint.

It’s a marathon.

It’s going to take a long time to get from here to there, and sometimes you have to stop whipping yourself to get there as fast as you can. Yeah a little taste of the whip is great to get you going, but after a while it’s nothing more than pain and blood loss.

Breathe. Take a day off, do something fun. All your crap will still be here tomorrow, or the day after tomorrow. Sometimes you gotta rest and recover.

One of the most attractive things to have is a high energy level. So after a certain point of effort, you actually stop making it better and start making it worse.

Half the reason I suggest exercise is so important is because it increases your energy level.

So what energizes you?


…$5 says that thing that energizes you is part of your Alpha.


Does Wanting To Have Sex With Other People Go Away?

Serenity:  Let me ask you this since we’re being all open and honest and all…I know you’ve said that even though you love your wife, you’re still sometimes attracted to other women. Do you think that can ever change?  I still have to fight that in myself. Is it possible to ever be so much in love with your spouse that you’re no longer attracted to others? It’s tiring sometimes to always have to shut your mind down.

Athol:  Understanding how the three love systems work is helpful here.

(1)  The basic “oh she’s hot” testosterone sex drive will never go away. A nice rack is a nice rack is a nice rack. Velly Nice. This one simply can’t be helped as long as you have testosterone and a pulse. I check out other women all the time. Not in a creepy hands doing something under my raincoat sort of way, more in a sort of a dirty anthropologist way. So if you happen to catch me checking you out, please just relax, the photos are for science.

(2)  The pair bonding oxytocin/vasopressin system between Jennifer and myself is very strong. I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to live with her whatsoever. I really like Jennifer and she’s someone I trust and never want to hurt… non-consensually. Actually back up a little… I can totally appreciate a stunning girl and have no impulse to be her friend or trust her. Some of that is simply being 42 instead of 22 I think, but a lot is just being bonded to Jennifer. After having an orgasm with Jennifer I pretty much have an automatic nap that I have no control over, just the vasopressin pathways with a deep groove in my head.

So I’m horny and happy, and that’s all good. The potential trouble of the (1) system is handled by frequent sex and the (2) system. Being laid like tile really helps. I’ve had a couple of blindingly obvious offers for sex in the last few years (“oh nurse, can I show you something in private, I just want to know if it’s okay… how does THAT look?”) and turning them down was actually pretty easy, especially the guys.

My trouble… and likely your trouble too, comes from the third love system…

(3)  Most couples have a higher desire person and a lower desire person. That’s simply in comparison to each other though, in our relationship, Jennifer is the low desire spouse, really only wanting sex for her own pleasure 5-6 times a week. If she was with a guy that only wanted sex 2-3 times a week, she’d be the high desire spouse.

So anyway, I’m the high desire spouse, and that desire is not just a sexual desire thing, but also an overall need for stimulation and attention. It’s a need for dopamine. Mix in my ADHD and I’m pretty much… pretty much…. okay fuck it I’ll say it, I’m the Crazy Bitch in the relationship.

Jennifer: Lmao, I would like to point out that he said it, I didn’t.

Anyway… I do get bored and understimulated and that’s where I go astray and get into trouble. It’s so easy for me to start chatting and flirting and BAM! I’m starting to emotionally engage with someone and I can feel myself starting to line up a set of crosshairs on them. I’m much, much better at recognizing when I’m doing it and breaking things off nowdays though. Awareness of what is happening on a dopamine level is really helpful in breaking things off. Whoever I’m talking to is simply not my soulmate or a special snowflake, they just emotionally feel that way. In reality she’s just some pleasant, attractive, interested in me woman, and everything in my head is lighting up on cue. Attraction isn’t controllable. But breaking it off early is. I’ve actually done really really well with this the last year.

The other half of the fix is understanding that it’s just a need for stimulation, there’s nothing whatsoever wrong with the relationship, me being bored doesn’t mean Jennifer sucks as a wife. Well she does suck the other way, but you know what I meant. It means I can just ask for stimulation from Jennifer. “Help I’m starting to feel nutty, I need X Y or Z tonight.”  I used to meet that whole dopamine thing via World of Warcraft as a form of self-medication.  Now I write the blog, swoop in to help marital crises yada yada, and ask for particularly intense sex acts.

I’ve given Jennifer near total information on what turns me on emotionally and sexually. Hell you guys can just read the blog and you’ll figure out 90% of what turns me on. It’s really not rocket science or mind reading to push my buttons. There are things that she can do that pull my attention onto her. If you ever hear that we divorce it will totally be Jennifer’s fault for not following the handy 57 page guide to my personal kink. RTFM.

What was the question again?

Oh. No, it doesn’t all vanish. Not if you’re basically high libido and have a pulse. But that doesn’t mean you’re eyeing the exit or standing at the window whimpering to be let out. All it is, is a need for stimulation that you have to pay attention to. I also get that it’s an effort to try and shut your mind down about other people sometimes, but the solution is to ask for help from your partner and clue them into what to do. You just need to have the conversation about “this is asking for help and working on our marriage” as opposed to “I’m threatening to cheat on you”.  It’s completely possible to manage it forever… and have some amazing sexual experiences together “managing it.”

Jennifer:  All true. Athol is fun to live with… tiring lol, but fun.

Wheat is Evil. (Wheat. What?)

So anyway, life had been crazy getting ready for the Army seminar thing and I hardly exercised at all the last month, with the exception of walking twice a day. Deadline crunching just consumes me like you wouldn’t believe. But overall I’ve stuck fairly well to the Paleo diet with the exception of travel. Oh and the odd handful of corn chips… and for some reason I had to have Black Raspberry ice cream and got through a half gallon of that somewhere along the way.

So anyway… about five weeks, mostly just walking as exercise, adhering fairly well to Paleo eating.

Nine pound weight loss. All fat, no muscle loss.


I’ll try not to become a True Believer(TM) on ya’ll, but it really seems to be working for me.

Anyway, short video on the evils of wheat. I believe you get a 30 second ad I can’t remove before the video.

Kids are finally back in school, so I’ll get back to the exercise more properly soon enough. Finally have the house to myself during the day and can figure out a routine.

/sigh of contentment

Jennifer: Yeah, I was not convinced about the Paleo thing at first…but the whole no processed food thing just makes sense.  Just being aware of what I eat (almost said what I put in my mouth…nudge nudge wink wink) makes a difference…more veggies, fruits and meat, less processed junk.  I mean really, if it’s so processed they had to add vitamins and minerals back into the food, that’s a bad sign, right?

The Male Chastity Low Testosterone Workaround

Cut and paste inspiration from the forum…

Serenity: Like many women on the Forum, I’m here because my husband is low T and low sex drive, complicated by the usual ED and PE issues that low T can cause. This issue has complicated our marriage for the last 5-6 years, with increasing severity until back in May, I finally issued an ultimatum. That (finally!) caught my husband’s attention enough that he was willing to try to work on the problem.   Here’s his e-mail to Athol: (I got his permission to post this.)

Like all the other low T guys on the forum I need some advice. My T levels are very low, on thyroid and supplemental T along with DHEA. Still my sex drive is low, my wife has a high sex rank. I need some advice on how to increase my sex drive? Is there some insight that you can help me with, maybe some techniques that can help until my T levels rise? Once we have sex, it takes me about a week to build up to have it again. This is putting a real strain on our marriage and I am so lucky that she has not found someone else to fulfill her needs. She is awesome and has put up with a lot (or in this case little) for quite sometime. We were having sex 3 times a week but then I was unable and it turned into a week before we did again. I am putting her through a roller coaster of not knowing if we will have sex or not.  My wife writes on the forum and we both read it every night. She introduced it to me and I have to say that I was amazed how many other people are having this issue. We are going through the Primer together.

Here’s Athol’s Response:

Athol:  Two ideas.  (1) Lie side by side and have you finger her to orgasm. While you’re doing that, have her holding your penis and gently stroking it, without worrying about trying to get you off or anything. By the time she comes to orgasm, see how you’re doing in the penis department. That combination of sensation for you, her excitement, and the distraction from you “trying to get hard” is often effective.   (2)  You don’t have to orgasm every time you have sex together. That should help your interest build from session to session rather than bottom out after having an orgasm yourself. Any given night could be more about pleasuring her, than trying to get you off. You might still only come to orgasm once a week or whatever, but she’s going to get more sexual attention and pleasure through the week.   Neither is a perfect solution, but workarounds that might help. I hope it works for you both.

Ya’ll, *Life Changing*.  We’ve been trying this for about 2 weeks now and it is an amazing transformation for us. For the first time in years, I’m in love with my husband.  I forgot how good that feels!!  I don’t feel angry with him all the time. He is actually pursuing me, especially by the 3th or 4th night of us fooling around with no orgasm for him. He can’t keep his hands off me, and I walk through my day smiling.    We’re still experimenting with how many nights before he orgasms to see what’s optimal for us. Another interesting side effect is that in trying not to orgasm, he’s learning to control his ejaculation better. (Before, he was so quick, PIV was over almost before I started enjoying it.) Now he can go for a super long time (with pauses when he gets too close).   The best part is that it has taken all the pressure off him. He doesn’t feel like he *has* to be hard, and funnily enough he’s a lot harder. Most of all, I think he’s finally started enjoying his sexuality again, after years of feeling like a loser. It definitely boosts his ego to have me whimpering and at his mercy night after night.  lol If you try this, I’d love to hear your results.  Thinking maybe we can all share different techniques that work. Athol Kay you rock !!

Athol:  I think the work around is simple enough to not need more explanation. It’s actually a variant on the standard male chastity play without all the extra mind games and nasty bits of plastic padlocked to your penis. (Newsflash to people with nasty bits of plastic padlocked to your penis: If your erection hurts inside it, that’s bad. If your erection used to hurt inside it, but doesn’t hurt anymore, that’s really bad. Stop being a dumbass and injuring your penis.)

Anyway… I think it’s potentially going to get him through the psychological re-building confidence stage after having gone to the doctors and actually gotten testosterone supplementation. Best case scenario we hear back in a few months that hubby doesn’t need the workaround… though Serenity seems to be really enjoying it and might not like to stop lol. So attention hubby: If she comes at you with a nasty bit of plastic, don’t let her padlock it to your penis. 

And of course… if you suspect low testosterone in yourself or your husband, the first port of call is labwork with your primary doctor. Also have a peek at Peak Testosterone. It’s a fairly good resource to start with and totally free. I don’t agree with the low-fat / vegetarian stuff though.

All in all though, it’s a big win and basically instantly too. You’re welcome.