Sexy Move: Won’t Know Until You Try

From the forum…

Deciduous:  This morning we were involved in husband and wife activities…

At the beginning, she played a little game she has done in the past a few times.

“What if I don’t let you?”

In the past, I usually shrugged that off, but not in a dominant way, usually in a playful manner, and it has never resulted in no happyfuntime.

I would usually say something along the lines of “I have never had an unsatisfied customer” or “I prefer willing participants”.

This time I said, in a rather growly way whilst burying her head in my quite well developed pecs…

“Then I’m just gonna take what I want”

At this point, I almost couldn’t believe that came out of my mouth. I didn’t stop, but my mind was racing…wow, did I just do that?

Her response FLOORED me.

“I think I would like that. A LOT”

Holy crap. This manosphere stuff isn’t 50% bullshit after all.

Maybe only 25%.

The fact that she wants the OLD me, the guy that had her as #2 in a soft harem 13 years ago, rather than the guy I figured made more sense with 2 young kids…

Good lord.

Athol:  As long as you have all the basic structural attraction pieces in place – a job, basic health, reasonable fitness, no critical emotional incidents screwing everything up… sometimes all that’s left to do is make a dominant move.

If you try it and she says “no”, well you weren’t going to get laid anyway.

If you try it and she says “yes”, or at least doesn’t say “no” and makes some kind of vaguely positive response… then you go for it.

Takes a couple minutes to see how it works. If you’ve been doing everything else and getting minimal sexual response from her, you may as well try something new.

You won’t know until you try.

Cooking Game: Thanksgiving Dinner

I was 31-years-old and still eating at the kids table for Thanksgiving. So I staged a rebellion and now we get to host Thanksgiving for Jennifer’s extended family, which is fine. It’s actually my favorite holiday, it’s like Christmas without being shot in the wallet. Anyway, historically I’m the better cook – Jennifer had near zero cooking skills when we first married – but she is great now. Though I’m a little more creative still. That being said, once Thanksgiving was moved to our house, Jennifer has a DNA sequence that kicked in and made her totally responsible for the perfection that shall be Thanksgiving Dinner for everyone. Which is a polite way of saying she became Batshit Crazy on a short term basis related to this one meal.

Normally I advise medication or running when faced with a Batshit Crazy wife, in this case though, I recommend assistance and letting it all wash over you.

Some basic tips about the meal itself:

(1)  Arrange whatever seating pattern to enable both you and her to sit together, closest to the kitchen. This is so either one of you can get up and get something. Also it means you can put one hand on her thigh to direct her not to get up yet again.

(2)  It’s your job to Alpha her into at some point sitting the hell down and actually eating dinner.

(3) If she’s still in motion, serve food onto her plate as well as yours.

(4) You carve the turkey.

(5) If it’s a big gathering, have multiple bottles of the same wine open. Stops people preferring one over the other and “missing out” yada yada yada. Drink your wine and be quiet lol.

(6)  Prep as much as possible ahead of time.

(7)  House cleaning happens the day before Thanksgiving. Direct everyone in the family to help with this.

(8)  Thanksgiving morning, the turkey goes in the oven…. and you both go get some exercise.

(9)  Heat up the plates. Seriously, what is the point of cooking hot food for HOURS and then everyone putting it on COLD PLATES.

(10) Before the meal. Nuts, cheese, crackers, spicy salami and shrimp. Leave it out, watch the hordes come.

Anyway, some brain dead easy, minimal cooking skill required ideas to help out.  Jennifer: Intended for those of you out there who are NOT master chefs.  I’m sure there are many who cook a fabulous gourmet Thanksgiving…this is not for you :-)

Fried Corn – Open as many cans of sweetcorn as you need. Drain off the liquid in the cans and rinse in a colander. Dump all the corn in a fry pan and heat it up with fairly generous helping of butter, a small dollop of minced garlic, and a pinch of salt. There’s a side dish right there. Takes about 6-8 minutes of heating up and people freaking love it.  Jennifer: Somehow magically better than just dumping the corn into a bowl and heating it in the microwave.  Butter and garlic, a nice hot pan, and voila- yummy.

Grilled Vegetables – Choose whatever vegetables you want. Suggest yellow, orange or red peppers. Onions. Squash. Chop into medium sized pieces. Mix all up together in a bowl with just a little olive oil and a seasoning (Mrs Dash Garlic and Herb, we also love a Red Curry mix too). Thread the vegetables onto long metal skewers and head out to the grill. Grill them all up good right before serving.  This works great with any BBQ dinner, and is also doubly great for Thanksgiving in that oven and stovetop space is always at a premium on Thanksgiving. It also gets you outside and away from the relatives with some fresh air.

Mashed Potatoes – Peel the potatoes, chop them up and boil them for 20 minutes. Drain the water off. Pro Tip…. return the pot with no water to the stove for another 20-30 seconds and let the boiled potatoes dehydrate a little more. Water has no flavor. Remove from the heat, sprinkle a ton of seasoning in there of your choice, casually mash the potato with some milk and the secret ingredient to make it creamy and evil… some cream cheese. Shush don’t tell anyone. I do mean casually mash it too. Don’t pound the crap out of it and for all that is holy and good do not whip it in a blender or use a power tool of any kind in there. Damn you savages. Just cover it and it keeps nice and warm for ages.

Cream Cheese and Chutney – Oh this is before the meal and served with crackers. Plate, slab of room temperature cream cheese, surround cream cheese with a moat of chutney right from the bottle. Cream cheese and chutney is amazingly good on a cracker. Total prep time… 30 seconds. Damn straight.  Jennifer: Mango chutney from Harry and David.  To die for.  Sweet and spicy at the same time.

Turkey: I swear by Alton Brown, the God of Turkey, and his brining method.  Alton Brown’s whole spiel is here.  It requires brining the turkey a day ahead of time, but it’s a fabulous way to keep from drying out the meat.  I use a nice clean cooler to brine the turkey in.  The brine requires a lot of ice, and really will stay cold.  If you’re worried, freeze water in plastic bags or bottles to add into the brine- it will keep it cold but not dilute the brine.  The other trick is to not overcook the turkey.  I don’t stuff my turkey, I cook the stuffing/dressing on the side, so what I’m about to say is for an UN-stuffed turkey. (Putting the stuffing inside the turkey makes cooking time longer)  Alton’s recipe starts at a hotter temp for half an hour and gives a cooking time of no more than 3 hours for a 14-16 lb bird.  If you cook a turkey at 325F, you should be cooking it for 15 minutes per pound. Put a double thickness of aluminum foil over the breast after the first half hour to prevent it from drying out.  Once you do that, DO NOT KEEP OPENING THE OVEN!  The more you open and close the oven, the more the temperature fluctuates, and the more of a guessing game the total cooking time becomes.

Stuffing: There are hundreds of recipes for stuffing out there.  For the basics, buy a bag of dried, cubed stuffing bread.  Follow the directions on the back for how much stock to moisten it with.  The stuff that makes it taste good…brown a “roll” of loose sausage (chopped into little yummy bits).  Into that browned sausage and its drippings add: a good sized diced onion, four or five stalks of diced celery, and some fresh sage and rosemary chopped up.  Once the veggies and spices are cooked add them into the bread and stock mixture and pop it into the oven.  My stuffing is cooking for the half hour that the turkey is resting.

Gravy: I suck (really, truly) at making gravy from the pan drippings.  Like disastrously suck.  Like, mommy, what is the black stuff floating in the grease in that gravy boat kind of suck. So I make the gravy while the turkey is cooking and treat it like a separate dish.  Ingredients:  Smoked turkey legs (my store only carries them during the holidays), turkey or chicken stock, big hunks of celery (4ish stalks) and a big onion chopped into big hunks, fresh thyme and a couple of bay leaves.  Put everything but the stock into a nice big skillet and brown them all, then sprinkle 4 tablespoons of flour over everything and stir it up for a few minutes (cooking out the flour taste).  Then add the stock slowly while stirring the whole mess, with the goal being to get the flour mixed in without turning it into big gobs of goo.  I usually end up using about four cups of stock total.  Let the whole thing simmer until it’s half the volume you started with, then pick out the big bits and strain the rest into a gravy boat (or in our house at our first Thanksgiving…oops break out the Pyrex measuring cup because we don’t own a gravy boat!).

Desert… I am legally required to cook my famous Bread Pudding of Ovulation every year. You can make it the day before, and just heat up again 350F for twenty minutes.

Ice cream, coffee, whatever.

Anyway the most important thing about cleaning up… get a set of new plastic containers and just load them up with the leftovers and make sure everyone one on the way out. Otherwise you’ll be eating  turkey leftovers for the next nine days. I know kids are starving in Africa and all that, but damn.

The next morning….

Use the leftover stuffing to make omelettes with. Sounds weird I know… just try it.

Jennifer: Mmmmm stuffing omelettes. So good.

Three Things That Attract Your Partner

Sometimes you start losing the forest for the trees and make your MAP too complicated.

So…

What are the top three things that attract your partner to you? Bearing in mind that I said attract, not make them feel comfortable or loved or happy. What are the top three things that make their head turn in your direction and quicken their pulse a little?

Then do those three things consistently.

If you don’t know what those top three things are, you have to find out, or nothing you do will be on point with running the MAP.

Write your three things in the comments.

Sexy Move: Indian Name Game

From the forum…

Freeboro:  @Sf64 and I were recently talking about a subtle way of negging women, something I’m not terribly good at.  He brought up a solution he has used and claimed that he’s never seen it fail and I should further test his hypothesis.  He went on to explain how he gives the women that he dates “Indian names”, the key to this is that these names are typically based on a persons characteristics.  He said if you come up with a fun, yet negging Indian name for a woman, and repeatedly call her that, she will actively try to change her Indian name.  He gave me some examples, but I’m not going to share them as you probably get the idea.

I’ve got a girl who I want to send me pics, but she says she’s not that kind of girl.  So @Sf64 said “You should call her something like “All Talk No Pics” and see how it works.”  So, I did.  From then on, which was just a couple of days ago, I started calling her that.  Her response was “You can call me whatever you want babe, but I’m not doing that.”  I’d just laugh and carry on, but anytime I could call her that, I would, or I’d send her a text that said “ATNP”.  She’d just laugh it off and respond to me with “INTKOG”.

She’s recently bought some skimpy thong panties for me but being that she lives almost an hour away I haven’t seen her.  Of course anytime she talked about them, and how cute / comfy they were, I’d just say “Send pics”.  Last night I had friends over to watch MNF and she knew it.  She sent me a text that said “Getting naked and wet in the tub.  Black, fuschia, or turquoise thong?”  I said “Black.  Send pics.”  A half an hour later I got a pic from her in just her bra and panties.  ;-)  (Later on Skype they both came off but only because I couldn’t save the video feed.)

As I’m going to bed she sends me a text that says “I guess you’ll have to come up with a new Indian name because that one doesn’t apply anymore.”  So I responded with “You Send’em No Nudes” and got a response back of “LOL Ass!”

So, put this to use with your wife, girlfriend, hell anyone.  I bet it works.

Athol:  Nothing more to add to this one. It’s perfect. What say you Rolls Eyes But Copulates?

Rolls Eyes But Copulates:  Shoot me now.

Athol: Shoot you full of semen?

Rolls Eyes But Copulates:  [rolls eyes]

Athol: :-D

Roll Eyes But Copulates:  Aaarrrgghhh….

Piercings and Tattoos

Nevaeh:  Athol any thoughts on body piercings?

Athol:  Let’s expand that to tattoos as well.

Permanently marking your body is always a strong personal statement. The more intense the markings are, the stronger the statement. So something like vanilla earrings are pretty tame, and genital piercings are very strong.

Heck if you want to toss in cosmetic surgery that can get even stronger still. Half the reason boob jobs end relationships is because the new boobs can sometimes quite dramatically improve her visual appearance, but getting a boob job requires a mindset of commitment to outcome. Once you know someone has fake boobs, you know they are quite prepared to do whatever it takes to get the sexual outcome they want.

So if you want a basic rule of thumb, the more dramatic the body modification, and the more intimate the location it’s in, the stronger the statement of sexual impulsivity is. A little fairy tattoo on a woman’s ankle is one thing, a tattoo of a sexy bunny rabbit with it’s ass up in the air right next to her vagina… well that’s another.

In terms of economics, crappy tattoos brand you forever as lower class. Under no circumstances get anything other than a really top notch professional working on you. A tattoo that costs $100 is NOT cheaper than a $650 one. You’ll pay for the difference forever in disdain and repulsion. Shitty work means you’ll be dating from the lower end of the gene pool. Seriously good work is a conspicuous display of disposable income… and naturally… pain tolerance. Which is fairly Alpha.

The one thing that really sets my hairs on the back of my neck up in terms of getting into a relationship though are tattoos of names. I think whoever that person the name belongs to is, they will always somehow loom larger than you. I mean if your name is Mike, and your girlfriend has the word “Steve” tattooed on her left breast… I’m thinking no matter how bad things were with Steve… he’s getting out of jail eventually. If you’re getting involved with a single mom and she has the names or faces of her kids tattooed on her… that’s a much stronger statement of commitment than anything you’re going to get.

Wives getting a tattoo or piercing as a “surprise” is a classic Fitness Testing routine to throw on their husbands too. It’s always something they know he’s not going to be happy with in the slightest. “But it was meant to be a surprise for you! I thought you would like it! Waaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!”   It’s pretty much the opening salvo in what’s going to be a sustained campaign of testing and boundary pushing. If he fails to Alpha up fairly quickly, she will blow up on him and the marriage will end… badly.

It’s a completely reasonable expectation that permanent body markings are going to be agreed on by both halves of the couple. After all, you’re both going to look at it forever, so you want to be sure that your partner is going to like it. It’s not like a haircut that can grow out again.

If you’re casually dating someone, and she surprises you by showing up with a tattoo of your name on her… she’s Batshit Crazy. You may as well just go to the police station now and ask if you can pre-fill an assault report.

So in the end, if you’re getting something done, think carefully about whatever you’re getting because it’s going to last forever… and make it look like it cost a crap-ton of money. You want it to be something where people say, “I don’t actually like tattoos… but I like yours.”

Miss Communication and Sexy Girl Game Initiation

Oh this one would be hysterically funny if it wasn’t so painful for the two of them. He thinks Initiation = X, she thinks Initation = Y. Read her side of the story and I’ll bold where he thinks he’s actually initating sex…. every single night…

 

Purple: I know this has been discussed before for women – the whole, “what counts as initiation from your wife?” thing. But I’m asking for men.

What counts as actual initiation for a man?

Right now I feel like I’m doing MOST of the initiation. A typical night of sex plays out like this:

– Go to bed.

– Lay in bed. Husband will cuddle up to me and slip hand under shirt and fondle boobs/play with nipples for a couple seconds.

After a couple of minutes of this, he backs off and will either lay on his back and wait for me to start pushing towards sex, or will just roll away from me completely and go to sleep. Every few days, I make sure that I grind my ass into him to make it clear that I’m down for sex, or jump at him and start playing with his dick, or take my pants off, or WHATEVER, to push towards getting sex. If I don’t escalate it quickly and directly, half of the time… all I end up with at night is a boob fondle and then falling to sleep frustrated.

Occasionally he’ll skip fondling my chest and do some ass slapping, or something – but again, if I don’t turn to him and escalate quickly, it doesn’t go anywhere.

Every once in a while, he’ll go straight to fingering me – which DOES count as initiation IMO – but its also not very pleasant, because … um… going directly to the clit when I’m basically dry as a bone and not even remotely turned on … it just hurts.

What do most of the Captains do to initiate? I don’t even really know which way I want to lead my husband in this department, because I’m just not really sure what I’m looking for. Its nice – on the uber rare occasion – that he strokes my sides, rubs my back, boob-grabs, kisses my neck, etc – but I feel like initiation doesn’t have to start right as we’re getting into bed. Is that right? Like last night – about an hour before bed, I was on my hands and knees picking up some toys from the floor. He said, “Ooh… I think you’ll be doing that again later tonight.” THAT works for me, because then I knew when I was getting into bed that we were going for doggie.

Basically – his foreplay sucks. He doesn’t initiate – he drops a hint and then leaves it to me. My plan right now is to stop initiating completely. He can fondle boobs all he wants, but if that’s all he’s gonna do, then that’s all he’s gonna get. How do you teach a guy to initiate? I haven’t talked to him about this because a) I’m embarrassed and b) I don’t know what to tell him to direct him in a useful/not condescending way.

I could use some hot ideas!

 

Athol: So in short, he’s been trying to initate every single night, but the wiring is crossed as to what he thinks is her responding positively to his approach.

She’s only been responding every few days in a way that he clearly understands is a positive response, because she doesn’t see him as actually initating sex.

He’s being a good little Blue Pill guy and politely, respectfully and appropriately in his mind, rolling over and not pressuring her for sex. He’s also heartbroken about having the door slammed shut on him most nights.

So… solutions…

It sounds like you’re both quite horny. So why not have the disscussion where you experiment with every night assuming that the default setting is “yes” to sex. Then if someone doesn’t want it, you have to verbally express “not tonight” and cuddle and nod off together.

If his finger in your vagina feels like you’re being gored by a bull, tell him to stop and either lick it or lube it and then come back to the fingering. “Ow” is a safeword. If something hurts, it’s okay to say something about it and make an adjustment.

If you want him to CLEARLY UNDERSTAND you want sex… Touch Him On The Penis. It’s the only thing men 100% understand. Or perhaps try saying something like, “I want your cock inside me so bad baby.”

I get that sometimes you just want to be taken in the heat of the moment, but he’s probably a few months away from that happening because he feels frightened of you reacting badly to him trying that. So in the meantime, if you want a non verbal way of clearly communicating a desire for him to just start fucking the hell out of you, you can try some of these…

(1)  Be naked. Get on your hands and knees, resting your weight on your forearms. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, then drop your head down and slowly wiggle your ass at him.

(2)  Be naked. Kick all the covers off and lay on your back with your legs spread. Look at him directly and breathe slowly and heavily as you take a loooooong slow blink, as you fondle your breasts with one hand and finger yourself with the other.

(3)  Be naked. Lay on your back wearing a blindfold. Take a hair scrunchy and put your hands through it and figure 8 it around your wrists and lay your arms above your head.

(4)  Be naked. Drink yourself into unconsciousness, leaving a handwritten note that says, “Do what you must.”

(5)  Be naked. You. Laptop. Porn. In progress when he comes to bed.

(6)  Be naked. When he gets in bed, stand up on the bed over him and do the butt wiggle dance for him. Jiggle your boobs and slap your ass a few times.

(7)  Be naked. Naked except for some slutty come fuck me heels. No no no, don’t take them off, leave them on. (song lyric bonus points in the comments)

(8)  Be naked. Ask him for $50 with a very dirty smile and a giggle.

(9)  Be naked. Hand him the Redi-Whip, ask him if he likes pie.

(10) Be naked. Him on his back, just straddle him in the cowgirl postion without his cock inside you. Grind on him and play with his cock.

 

Jennifer:  Well… I guess I have my to do list for the week.

 

 

 

 

Sexy Move: Leftovers for Dinner

I haven’t written about cooking for a long long time… the short version being that women are driven crazy by the question, “What’s for dinner?” and supplying a food source is always a good thing. The basic rules for my recipes are that it has to be brain dead easy to make, come out great and that kids will eat it.

Here are some of my approaches to leftovers… you’ll need a good non-stick fry pan, high heat, and not much else.

Bacon and Onion Salvation

(1) About half a standard size pack of bacon, slice up into one inch lengths (or slightly less) and toss into the pan.

(2) One medium sized onion. Peel it and chop into small pieces. Add to the pan. Cook the bacon and the onion until the point the bacon is starting to crisp and the onion carmelize a little.

(3) Chop and add whatever leftovers you have to the pan. (Jennifer: By “whatever leftovers”, he means some meat and some sort of vegetable, maybe some potatoes, not last night’s pizza) Cook until it’s all hot. No seasoning needed whatsoever. Works amazing with any kind of leftover meat. Using bacon will cover any weaknesses in skill you have.

Serve with red wine.

Kelbasa and Mushroom Blitz

(1)  Chop the Kelbasa into half inch circles. Toss into the pan.

(2) Rinse and pare the mushroom stalks off, but you can probably keep the mushrooms whole.

(3) Chop and add whatever leftover vegetables or starch (potatoes, rice) you have to the pan. Cook until it’s all hot. No seasoning needed as the kelbasa is plenty juicy and will coat everything in flavor. Once you see the mushrooms starting to shrink you’re all set to remove from heat. Works great even when you don’t have any leftover meat. You can have a frozen kelbasa in the fridge for emergency dinners.

Yeah I know the kids won’t eat the mushrooms. That just means more for me!

Serve with red wine.

Chinese Renaissance

(1) Take leftover chinese takeout and add all the rice to the pan and get it started heating up.

(2) Take the remainder of the chinese takeout and chop it up and add to the pan. Pay no heed to the dishes, simply add it all in one great heap. It’s all chinese food so it all will work together, just trust me on that. Seriously, chop a spring roll up. Add noodles. The chicken and cashews. The dumplings. The sesame chicken. The garlic beef. Everything goes in the pan together. No seasoning needed. Heat and eat, BAM and you’re done. It will be different every time you make it.

Serve with plum wine if you have it, othewise a white.

Hibachi Style Stir Fry

(1)  When you have leftover rice of any kind, throw it all in the pan with a little oil.

(2)  Season the rice with some soy sauce and hot sesame oil / mongolian fire oil.

(3)  chop and add vegetables / leftovers.

(4)  When everything is cooked properly, push it all to one side of the fry pan so you have half the fry pan clear.

(5)  Whip two eggs and dump in the open fry pan area, it will cook VERY QUICKLY, so keep the egg moving and scramble it as fast as it cooks. Just rake the egg into tiny pieces and as soon as it cooks, mix it all in with the rest of the food and serve. This is a 30-60 second move at most. Otherwise the egg will over-cook.

Serve with beer.

Things to Think About Adding

Peanuts. Seriously, peanuts turn a dull dish into something that says, “Hey wow, there’s fucking peanuts in here. That’s awesome.”

Peppers. Not the bitter feminist green peppers, I’m talking the yellow, orange or red ones. They are sweeter and you can eat them raw, so undercooking means you just pretend you meant to do it that way. They are bright and festive looking.

Meatloaf. Cut into small cubes. It will do better than you think.

Sweetcorn. Just slice it straight off the cob and it will break up nicely in the pan. Can use canned if you want it.

Minced garlic. Want.

Potatoes…. roast  or baked leftovers. Chop in half inch bits.

Green beans. Nuff said.

Curry. Oh. My. Gawd. We have a red curry that is taking over our life. True story.

Plan B Soup and Pasta

(1) Can of soup in a pot.

(2) Add whatever leftover bits and pieces you have to the pot and heat.

(3) Pour the soup + leftover mix over pasta and serve. I’m just going to hope you know I meant cooked pasta.

Serve with arrogant confidence.

Jennifer: I testify that all of these are amazing dishes. Our eldest daughter once joked that she wanted us to buy chinese food but not eat it, just so Dad could make the Chinese Leftovers Stirfry Of Goodness the next day. 

 

 

 

 

 

Shopping And The Princess Fiona Plan

The Princess Fiona Plan essentially means that I’m prepared to keep doing anything sweetly Beta for Jennifer and actively enjoy doing it for her, as long as I keep getting laid like tile and she holds up her end of the bargin as a functional adult.

So…

…we’re coming closer to the due date of The Charity Event That Shall Not Be Spoken Of. TCETSNBSO. It’s an annual work drama-fest, and last years quick summary was Turning The Beta Up To Eleven. It’s kind of a five months of dread, two weeks of stress, two weeks of panic and a single day of wanting to try meth. We’re in the two weeks of panic window right now.

I’ve always been willing to pitch in and help Jennifer with it… as long as it was something I could actually help with… as opposed to just listen to a wall of verbiage for all SIX MONTHS about it beforehand. Which is a polite way of saying, “Bitch shut the fuck up about it.”

Anyway…

A couple months back we were consignment shop hopping… it’s one of her most loved day trips… fun, saves money on clothes and she just really likes it. We’re leaving one shop and on the back of the front door is this white dress, covered in a polka dot pattern of various shades of blue. So I drag Jennifer back into the store and tell her to try it on. It fits really well and is immediately declared the dress to be worn for TCETSNBSO. I can’t really describe the dress beyond that because I’m just totally visual and can see it on her like a skin on a 3D model, I have no clue about dress names for styles or anything. Dress. It’s a dress. It has polka dots. Blue ones. I have an erection. Buy the dress.

Fast forward to today. TCETSNBSO is in one week, so work on TCETSNBSO is at a fever pitch, plus Jennifer has to work over the weekend doing her usual work schtick. What she really needs though is a jacket of some description to go with the dress. I’m actually needing to be on the main shopping strip in town for my own purposes this morning, so it’s an easy detour for me into the world of the women’s departments. I dig around and around and not finding over much joy.

I text her at work.

“Would a jeans jacket work for the dress for TCETSNBSO?”

“Ohhh maybe. I could still use it for work even if it didn’t.”

Hmmm….

Not impressed with jean options. Try a second store.

Find the perfect top… but in a large. Dig further, nothing in medium, but find it in small, and Jennifer is petite so she falls kinda between a small and a medium.

“Small okay?”

“Yes.”

Purchase made.

On impulse I head back to the orginal store and have instant eye contact with an even better jacket hanging on the end of an aisle. Damnit. Now I have to get this one too.

Purchase made.

“You have two jackets to choose from when you get home.”

“Two? LOL okay.”

Now at this point I have to explain that while I’m texting her, I know she is around other women at work, and I’m counting on a conversation taking place about the fact that I’m shopping for clothes for Jennifer. They are all a bunch of stress bunnies about TCETSNBSO. After Jennifer is home, I do discover that a moderate length conversation did in fact occur, where I built mad preselection points for actually being capable of a self-directed shopping experience that did not result in returning home with a small bag of magic beans that would grow into a giant beanstalk. Mentions of other husbands being incapable of basic self-care like finding three items on a shopping list in a grocery store abounded.

Once home she got to actually see the jackets, I figured one could just be returned if she didn’t like it, but she liked them both. Even better is that she was hoping to wear the same dress to another event where she’s getting an award about a week after TCETSNBSO, except a handful of people will be attending both events and one is more business oriented than the other. Jacket one fits TCETSNBSO, jacket two fits the award night.I totally play it off like I intended to do that for best comedic effect.

“I had no idea when I was going to find the time to go shopping for those.”

Amazing husband is amazing.

Anyway…

While out walking tonight, I actually opened the conversation up about how TCETSNBSO planning was going. That’s right, I spoke of the unspeakable. Jennifer had about ten minutes of verbal diarrhea as we walked about all that was going on before it starts subsiding.

“Just drawing attention to the fact that I asked you how it was all going.”

“Yes, I noticed that.”

“I’m getting points, right?”

She laughs… “Yes, you are.”

At the end of our walks we stop on the steps and hug and make out a bit before going into the house. It’s our little ritual. Tonight however there was some unusually enthusiastic deep kissing and mashing of her body against me. Plus a remarkably forthright public fondling of my genitals.

Your mileage may vary.

 Jennifer:  Okay, yes, the whole finding a jacket (no, TWO!) for me to wear with my dress was the best surprise ever.  Totally not something I asked him to do, which made it even better.  And to top it all off, he spent a grand total of $24!  Yes, that is a plus for me…I’m a bargain shopper and he knows I get a kick out of him finding things on sale.   And just for the record, the public fondling of the genitals was through clothing and at twilight…I’m a proper lady, right??

Athol:  After last night’s photos you’re going with being a proper lady?

Jennifer:  Princess then.

 

Sexy Move: Buying Flowers

Any dufus can give a woman flowers. You buy a bunch, attach some lame card and hand them over. She makes the right little noises, and immediately plops them in a vase and waters them. A week later, the flowers are dead, and whatever points you earned by giving them, are wiped off the slate as well.

One work around for this is to buy high quality silk flowers that will last forever, but for some reason silk flowers seem not quite right for romantic giftage. House warming present yes, I-love-you no. So perhaps a sneaky workaround is to give actual flowers, with one silk flower mixed in there.

Or you can give her a potted plant/flowers of some description. This will nearly always fail in that giving someone a plant means you’re actually handing them something they will eventually kill unless they have a green thumb already. If they have a green thumb, they have more than enough plants anyway and don’t need you to hand them something they recognize as being half dead as a gift.

Anyway….

I’ve got a sneaky good solution that has all the good points of being a real flower, long lasting and easily maintained by someone with zero skill with plants.

Jennifer had her birthday a month ago and I got her a Just Add Ice Orchid. So an actual orchid, comes-in-a-pot plant and to feed it, you add three pieces of ice once a week. That’s it.

I gave it to her and she had this slight “dammit now I’m gonna kill a plant” face happening, but it was fun watching her expression change from “ugh”…  to confusion… three pieces of ice?… to excitement… holy crap I can do this!   to awe… oh it’s so pretty…  to being impressed…  where did you even find that?

Ding ding ding, we have a winner!

Anyway, costs about the same as a moderate sized bouquet of flowers, has lasted for over a month so far as opposed to being hurled in the trash three weeks ago. Still looks like a plant that is alive to my untrained eyes. Jennifer is interested enough to be going online and wanting to learn more about the orchids and caring for them.

Anyway, still as heck worked for me. Gotta find a new wrinkle on the standard giftage if you go that route.

Jennifer:  Yep, that’s me, zero skills with plants.  No, really.  But I love my orchid…somewhat exotic, ooooh pretty flowers, freaking easy to take care of, and reminds me of him every time I look at it.  We have a winner!

When The Ten Second Kiss Fails

Way back in the dawn of time, I wrote a post called Sexy Moves: The Ten Second Kiss. I finished the post with…

What you will find is that somewhere around the 6-8 second mark, her shields come down, and something inside her will trigger and she will become quite passionate about the interaction. Feel free to keep the kiss going on as long as you both want. Also you will find the long deep kiss will not only trigger passionate interest in her, but also in you. It is very difficult to stay emotionally neutral about a member of the opposite sex when you kiss like this.

The beauty of The Ten Second Kiss, is that it works every time. You can do this once a day and it will connect you both again. Importantly, don’t automatically try and turn this into an attempt to close for sex. Kiss her like this, make some small talk, and move on with your day. The goal is to connect you both emotionally. Once emotionally connected to you, your woman is far more interested in sex.

So…

Here’s the deal, it really does work… for a lot of people, but not everyone. I’ve had a ton of email to the effect of “It’s amazing and changed so much for us,” but also some of  “Well I tried it, and it worked once or twice and then nothing. I try it and she avoids doing it, or breaks it early every time.”

I think there are three reasons the Ten Second Kiss fail.

(1)  The most likely one is that it’s simply too soon in the process of getting your Sex Rank back together and her interest level simply isn’t there yet. If so, the solution is keep on running the MAP and getting yourself in shape and upping your Sex Rank. Come back to it once in a while and she if her interest level has started to kick in again. I think it’s far more likely to have a Ten Second Kiss failure in Phase One as opposed to Two or Three.

(2)  It’s a dental issue. There’s bad breath, morning breath and garlic breath… and then there’s have-you-been-eating-rotting-penguin-breath from a tooth that’s going bad. Or just build up on your teeth like barnacles on the bottom of a boat. Get thee to a dentist. Fix your teeth up all shiny and new. Nice teeth are nice teeth anyway, so get to it as part of your MAP.

(3)  You’re pretty much heading to Phase Four or worse and still nothing happening on the kissing front. If so, just take it as a very serious indication that she is checked out of the relationship and that you have quite minimal hope for a return of her interest to you. Really by Phase Three you should be seeing her interest returning, if you have to force things to a head just to get kissed… oy… why bother trying much longer.

Overall though, it’s still a very sound move to use.