AlphaBelle: Talk to me about this FAP thing. I have been concerned/unhaaaaaaapy lol with the state of things for over a year. Read and talked and read some more. Finally found MMSL about 6 months ago, and had words to express what was wrong with my marriage.
I have no IRL friends to discuss this with.
My H is receptive, but since I found all this and basically threw it plus nmmng at his head during a meltdown, he is reacting to my complaints, not running the MAP on his own. He is a deeply ingrained nice guy, plus introvert and brainiac. So it’s going veeeerrrry slowly.
I am tired.
Of being the motivator. Of seeing all The things he used to do that he doesn’t anymore. Of having to get upset every 2.4 weeks to re motivate him and remind him that I’m serious about this. Of having to do the pull back/reward routine when I just want a really nice happy normal sex life with nightly sex. Of evaluating whether I’m hamstering or really justifiably frustrated, or expecting too much at this point.
Of feeling like I am still running things, by running my FAP and manipulating him into waking up that dang dormant Alpha side again.
I am tired.
Talk to me about my expectations and where I’m going with this. I see and feel progress, but I feel like I am spoon feeding him what I want him to say/do/be and I don’t want to do it anymore.
I want him to read and act and do because he wants to, not because I’m unhappy.
Basically I feel like a witch and like I’m making him feel like he can’t do anything right. But when I ease up, he acts like, “whew. Got that figured out.”
Athol: Then stop trying to change him. Every time you “motivate him” you’re just sending him a message that he’s the most important thing in your world, he has your complete attention and is in total control of the relationship.
Change you. Make yourself as attractive as you can be, start exhibiting very mild disloyalty.
Right now your entire relationship could be summed up as….
You —-e-n-e-r-g-y—-> Him
So why would he do anything to change that situation?
Cutting that energy flow off will get his attention.
There’s no need for him to act at all Alpha, when you’re acting like his orbiter sending out a Mayday call.
If you become as attractive as you can be and start visiting the magical world of “out”, he’s going to start wondering why you’re not paying him attention and dreading that you’re paying attention to someone else. It’s only when you’re acting more Alpha is he going to need to act more Alpha around you.
Not for nothing, but the men that find MMSL on their own are always highly motivated to make change because they are deeply worried about how their relationship is going. Men simply don’t respond to “I’m unhappy”, “I’m unhaaaaaaaappy!” or “You suck! That’s why I’m so unhappy!” They do very much respond to wives dressing up nice and spending time with other men though.
I’m not saying it’s polite to do it, I’m just saying what works.