WordPress Update Pain and Comment Loss

Just a quick one to say that WordPress has been extremely demanding about installing version 4.0.1 to cover a security hole in earlier versions.

Unfortunately it has some sort of database error for me and it’s making page loads 12-15 seconds long. I’ve tried to go back to an earlier restore point on 12/1/14, hoping to be rid of 4.0.1, with the unfortunate side effect of removing all comments and posts since 12/1/14. Which seemed like a good idea at the time, but hasn’t removed 4.0.1 anyway. I couldn’t reinstall the 12/7/14 database back up because it had an error. So crap.

If you’ve commented in the last 5-6 days, I do apologize for their loss.

Why Being Too Beta Damages Relationship Comfort

http://www.dreamstime.com/royalty-free-stock-images-beautiful-young-caucasian-woman-looking-worried-expression-image30556929One of the most important things in being in a long term relationship is creating a sense of relationship comfort. You create Relationship Comfort by being pleasant, helpful, kind, concerned, affectionate, caring and supportive. These are all Beta Trait behaviors.

Now before someone heads to the comments and starts banging the keyboard with one of those squeaky toy plastic hammers about the importance of Alpha… yes I know. Beta is typically only valued to the extent it is backed up by pre-existent impressions of Alpha Traits creating attraction.

But Alpha and Beta, Attraction and Relationship Comfort, are two completely different love systems you can tweak. Your Alpha and Beta can be high or low independent of each other. It’s not either/or.

So lets talk just about Beta stuff this time around.

A nice recap is The Five Beta Love Languages.

Taking that thought process a little further forward, I’ve noticed an interesting dynamic with the Beta stuff. The purpose of the Beta, is to create a sense of Relationship Comfort. But I’ve also seen a number of guys absolutely shot gunning Beta at their wives, and instead of the wives being supremely comfortable in the relationship, they are actually rather anxious and uncomfortable.

Then when I tell them to reduce their Beta and tone it down, their wives actually start to become more comfortable in the relationship.

So what’s happening?

It’s simple.

It’s the Law of Reciprocity kicking in. When one person does nice things for another person, it generally creates an unstated social obligation to return the favor. So when Mr. SuperBetaManDeluxe does an avalanche of nice things for Mrs. SomewhatAttracted, he’s not just doing nice things for her, he’s also creating a social obligation for her to do nice things for him. Preferably sexual nice things. Ideally to completion and swallowing.

Now this sort of thing is jumped on pretty hard as the guy creating this unspoken Covert Contract. It’s toxic and ineffective. Dude you have to stop thinking that if you mow the lawn, do the dishes, fold the laundry etc etc, that you’re automatically entitled to get laid.

What’s being missed is that often when he does all this stuff, she actually has an unspoken agreement to the validity of the Covert Contract, but she refuses to meet it because she just doesn’t want to. Or she meets the requirements of the Covert Contract with the world’s saddest sexual experience possible. All the Beta he did for her, to make her feel better, only created a huge sense of obligation in her. Which she’s started to dread.

It can get into the situation where when he does nice things for her, all she feels is a gnawing sense that she is a terrible person.

This is why with husbands struggling to attract their wives, I often find out exactly what her love language is, as soon as possible. Then when I find out what it is, I recommend cutting back the expressions of the love languages she doesn’t have.

So if her love language is Words of Affirmation, it’s fine to tell her you love her, she looks nice today, thank you for that. But then you don’t also shower her with gifts, try and spend every waking moment with her, run around like her personal service minion and rub her back while dry-humping her leg.

See how that’s all too much? It makes her feel obligated to do all that back to you. And if she’s not wildly attracted to you, she isn’t going to want to.

The potential mistake is to cut off ALL the Beta stuff and focus on upping the Alpha. All that does is switch problems. Typically it looks great for a while, then starts to destabilize.

So the paradox is, while Beta is designed to improve Relationship Comfort, over supplying it actually reduces Relationship Comfort. You still should hit her target of what she actually wants in terms of a love language, just don’t carpet bomb her with cuddles unless she’s into Physical Touch.

Or put more simply: Women are always going to be pleased to be offered their favorite dessert. They don’t want to be force fed five desserts no matter how delicious they are.

Nineteen Years Together

Not that the 16 Years post, or the 17 Years post had much to say, but the 18 Years one was a little longer.

Well…

Let’s see. This is has been the best and worst year of my life I think. I think if I called it ‘The Year of Starting, Survival, Transition and Body Building” I’d have it about right.

I’ve pretty much spent two hours looking at my screen trying to write something profound that explains the year, but it all sounds either too whiny at the hard parts, or too much like bragging at the good ones.

That’s about all I got.

Happy Anniversary baby.

I’ll bring the Jumper Cables, but I need you to go to the store for the butter. We’re all out of that.

 

Women Wear Money as a Display of High Value

@Angela:  What does everyone think about a woman letting her hair go gray at 50? I am toying with the idea. Can this be sexy, or am I completely ruining my Sex Rank? Can’t get any opinion from my husband, I don’t know whether he doesn’t care, or what.

Athol:  Whatever it is you chose, just make it look like money was involved in it’s production.
<insert many pics of doggystyle approved older chicks with gray hair>
@Maria:  One shouldn’t forget though, that grey hair as shown in the pics above, is NOT natural. Only very few women are so lucky to have shiny, all over grey hair; most of the time it’s mottled. So all that glamorous grey hair comes out of a bottle, too. It’s actually the most high-maintenance hair color after platinum blonde.

Athol: There’s obviously things like cut and design et al for hair and clothes, but the Display of High Value for women is to be effectively “wearing money”.

@Angela:  Thanks for all the input. I went to the hair salon this morning, the long, grey roots are gone, my hair is a nice rich auburn and I feel 15 years younger. I didn’t realize how much I was hating the gray experiment till it was over.

@x1134x:  Grey hair is not near the DLV that SHORT HAIR is.  At any age. Whatever you do, don’t cut it short.
Dye as long as you can do it and it still looks natural.  If you have wrinkled face skin from age, and a young, youthful head of hair, it looks off.

@Geekengineer:  Agree x eleventy bazillion.

A couple ladies at my office recently went from “actual upper-40s with long hair” to “actual upper-40s looking like a sad 60 year old grandma with no style” overnight by chopping it off to the poofball look. One had very grey hair that ended up getting colored black (looks terrible), the other had 1/2 grey that she colored dog-poop brown (looks… well, you know).

Athol:  So there you go. Keep your hair long. Keep it looking intentional. Keep it looking like some guy shells out cash in your direction.

That’s your Display of High Value for today.

Often the Hamster is Just Filibustering.

Athol:  I thought this comment on Age Gaps are a Relationship Stress warranted it’s own post. Pay careful attention to the fact that he clearly wants the relationship to work, but there’s this underlying structural effect making it harder going than it might otherwise be. Also she appears to have genuinely helped and invested in him, so that contribution acts as something he counts as a credit in her favor.

ToyBoy:  Well… that’s … ugh…

That’s hit a couple of things on the head for me, and I don’t like it.

I’ve historically been something of a manosphere lurker – but I’ve been away for a long time.  The last few days I’ve had a heavy hankering to come and re-motivate my self improvement side (I’ve gotten a little static recently) by digging through the archives, hence my commenting on such an old post.

I’m the younger man you described in that post: 7 year age gap, though I’m in my late 20s and she in her mid 30s.  We got together a couple of years ago, and at that point I was a bit of a psychological mess: quite depressed, effectively an alcoholic, little motivation, not very good with women (though improving as a result of the red pill)…

And my partner has been incredibly helpful and supportive, and has massively contributed towards me sorting myself out.  I’m much healthier – physically and mentally – and I’ve embarked on some major career moves (starting up my own company, going back into postgrad education etc).  I’m also finally sorting out some long-needed aesthetic improvements (eg, my teeth were ruined as a result of my depressions and drinking – I’m now in the midst of straightening, whitening, capping etc).

And recently the loyalty tests have started.  It’s in a jokey way, but several times in the last month or two she’s commented that she’s excited to see my ‘new smile’, but that she hopes I don’t then use it to leave her for a younger model.

And over this same period I’ve really noticed that my sex rank is higher than I thought it was when we got together.

NOW, here’s the very important thing: I love this woman, and I want us to remain together.  I really really do.  I have no intention of cheating on her.  I’ve recently moved in with her, and I love it.  We have a very healthy and happy relationship, and the sex life is pretty good (the only slight issue is that we’re both very busy, so tend to be a bit knackered at the end of the day, so sometimes we have to wait – *gasp* – a week or so).  I genuinely want to stay with her forever.

However, I worry about my biological imperative and the future.  My sex rank has improved over the last few years, definitely.  And I’m just now getting into the late 20s / early 30s peak that I read so much about.  And I’m improving my fitness.  And my career is taking off.  And I’m noticing more and more that I get positive attention from younger women, and that I like it.

And she is in her mid 30s, and struggles with her figure.  She’s not fat, but she’s not thin either, and once the weight is on it is unlikely to come off.  And I know that that is effecting my attraction to her already.

Example: last night I was at an event without her, where there were several early-to-mid 20s women, and it really struck me how strong their sex appeal was: the beauty of their faces, and the shape of their bodies, and how just by their existing I wanted to talk to them, to impress them, to have them like me…  and later in the evening, I’m sat in up bed with my partner, and I’m looking at a slightly less tight figure, and a slightly older face, and there’s a roll of fat, and the simple truth is that she doesn’t inspire the same automatic desire…

I’m not a fool.  I know that’s going to happen with ANYONE you have an LTR with, and how the male libido seeks variety.  BUT – I don’t like that I’m already feeling this, knowing it’s likely to get more pronounced over the next few years and beyond.

I’m not sure what the point of my comment is – probably just a chance for me to get some of that off my chest.  I find it an odd position to be in: I want this relationship to last – really, it’s bloody fantastic.  And the age gap doesn’t cause any problems that wouldn’t exist in another relationship, but perhaps it magnifies one.

A final thought: like I said, I wasn’t very good with women and probably underestimated my sex rank.  So I’ve not had much experience beyond drunk one night stands and crappy proto-relationships before this.  And there is a part of me – a part I am REALLY not proud of – that sort of resents the possibility of not properly experiencing being with some young women at some point.  Call it my inner PUA: there is a very real part of me that wants to sleep around with a variety of young women, and it’s never done it… that is the dangerous impulse.  That’s the one I have to keep down.  But it seems like more and more it’s waking up.    That worries me.  I don’t want this relationship to go sour.  And if it does I don’t want the reason to be me being horny.  But it’s always going to be there…

Gah.

Athol: So TL:DR…  Body Agenda says leave, his Literate (Higher) Self says stay. The Hamster is filibustering.

I don’t mean that to sound like I’m making fun of him. This is an all too common issue I see. Truly every single time I see a younger man / older woman pairing come to the forum, I groan knowing how hard things will be to fix and hold together.

Awkward.