Welcome and Orientation

Welcome to MMSL!

MMSL started in January 2010 as nothing more than a simple blog about marriage and sexuality and has since grown to a number of books, a forum and a life coaching practice. Originally aimed at only men, it has slowly widened its scope to a co-ed, dynamic approach to relationships and your life as a whole.

You can read more of the MMSL timeline 2010-2014 here.


Who are Athol and Jennifer Kay?

Athol Kay is the primary author of MMSL, an innovative thinker, humorist and family man with a one track mind.

Jennifer Kay works tirelessly behind the scenes to ensure that Athol doesn’t die of starvation in front of the computer keyboard and generally holds up the home front. Technically, she is not a single mother.

They have been married for 19 years. You can read a little more here.


What does MMSL stand for?

MMSL stands for “Married Man Sex Life”. Originally “Married Man” was a nickname given to Athol by one of his developmentally disabled clients all the way back in 2009. It just kind of stuck. So in that sense the title of the blog is “Athol Kay’s Sex Life”, but Married Man Sex Life seemed to have a better SEO pull, so we went with that.

These days of course, we’re a little beyond just focusing on married men, but after building MMSL into a brand label over four years it’s too late to change it now.


What is MMSL about?

MMSL is a dynamic approach to relationships and your life as a whole. It focuses on understanding the biological underpinnings driving human behavior and then creating a strategy of living based on them.

Some key ideas in MMSL…

(1) Marriage is always a sexual relationship. It may be a good sexual relationship, or a bad sexual relationship, but without understanding the sexual dynamics at work, it’s impossible to fix the marriage.

(2) Talking is a terrible way to get your partner to make the changes you want. You cannot change your partner by simply talking to them. You can however change yourself through your own actions, and your partner can make changes in response to your new actions.

(3) There are three love systems being run by our biology.

Testosterone = The generalized physical sex drive.

Dopamine = Romantic feelings and infatuation. Caused by “Alpha” behaviors.

Oxytocin = Affection and trust feelings. Cause by “Beta” behaviors.

(4) The higher your overall attractiveness, the greater the control you have in your relationship. Becoming more attractive grants you greater leverage to create change in your relationship.

(5) It is extremely common for married couples to stop all the Alpha behaviors and increase Beta ones. This results in a shift from romantic crushes on each other to a more comfortable and sedate, warm friendship.

(6) Understanding what actually attracts your partner (Alpha) means you can relearn how to attract them, and romantic feelings and sexual desire can return, no matter the length of the marriage.


What is the MAP?

The MAP was originally called the Male Action Plan (2010-2012) but reframed as the Mindful Attraction Plan (2013). Essentially Athol refined the concept from his first book (The Married Man Sex Life Primer) and made it the complete focus of the third book (The Mindful Attraction Plan).

The MAP takes all the key points of MMSL and channels them into a coherent plan of action to maximize your attractiveness and sense of self-worth. Then from that stronger personal frame, it allows you to more positively influence people to have better relationships with you.

The Male Action Plan (2010-2012) focused on striking a balance between physicality, Alpha and Beta resulting in the most positive overall attractiveness as a partner.

The Mindful Attraction Plan (2013) widened the scope to six areas of development: Physicality and Health, Money and Materials, Displays of High Value, Relationship Comfort, Personality and Preferences, and then High-Energy Sex.


Running Your MAP

Running your MAP means to start your own personal process of positive and productive self-improvement.

Many people start the process of their MAP with a fixed objective they want to meet, i.e. saving their marriage, restarting a sex life, finding a new job and so on. However the further you get into running your MAP, the more you will find the true power in self-development is becoming Outcome Independent and seeing where the MAP takes you. You will become stronger and more capable than you could have ever imagined and far more often than not you reach your relationship goals when you stop worrying about them.